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Music’s 3Rs 03.11.13: If Loving You Is Ridiculous, I Don’t Want To Be Right
Posted by Sean Comer on 03.11.2013


Vandelay Industries and 411mania.com present this week's Music's 3 Rs with limited suckitude, brought to you by the Southern & Longmore Starbucks in scenic Mesa, AZ, as well as Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, because…Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

David Gray, "Babylon"

Wilco, "One True Vine"

Jamie Lidell, "Compass"

Duncan Sheik, "For You"

Iamamiwhoami, "Play"

The Civil Wars, "I Want You Back"

Welcome back, one and all. I'm Sean. You're not. Remember, fellow Babies: I didn't break the news. It was that way when I got here.

"Maybe I'm wrong, but just maybe, maybe you're Right…"

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Gwar: The Hot Sauce
Bad news, fellow babies: as I'll explain below, this little weekly head-trip of mine has bid Gwar a respectful "Farewell."

Good news: so, Gwar made a hot sauce.

As the stunningly adept off-kilter icons of spectacle-metal told Kansas City's The Pitch recently, their newly minted Gwar-B-Q sauce will make its world debut April 8 at the band's Meat and Meet gathering in KC's Crossroads district.

"[Gwar-B-Q] is mostly made out of the blood of really hot chicks," explained guitarist Balsac, deeming the face-meltingly tantalizing (well, I've got to assume…) sauce a "terrible waste of fine ass, but ultimately worth it because this sauce is absolutely delicious."

Balsac partnered with local bottlers Original Juan's to formulate and package the condiment sharing a name with the band's four-years-running annual festival of music and comedy. The slayer of six-strings known as "the Jaws of Death" guaranteed that he and his bandmates will "drink and eat themselves into a bloated coma with their legion of slavering fans" when the sauce debuts next month.

If you're still sitting there wondering what could possibly be "Right" about Gwar and barbeque, then go to the corner and place the seat in a locked, upright, punishingly uncomfortable position.

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I suddenly want to meet Noel Gallagher's cat
When you step into former Oasis icon Noel Gallagher's house, wipe your feet, remove your shoes, and snort your rails only off the prostitutes, thank you very little.

That's the prostitute, not the pussy. Apparently, Gallagher has a pussy with which one does not f***.

After petulant accidental Zack Morris spawn Justin Bieber held up an O2 Arena show in London a reported two hours on Monday, Gallagher told MTV that the mutated dollop of hair gel might throw a barbeque, but that doesn't mean he knows how to cook.

"Is it rock 'n' roll to be two hours late? Depends what he was doing in those two hours. Was he snorting coke off prostitutes? Or was he playing bridge?" Gallagher mused aloud at Russell Brand's Give It Up for Comic Relief event. Gallagher took the leash off his derision when someone informed that cantankerous Brit that Bieber-Pie was playing video games, adding to his taunt, "Well that's not very rock 'n' roll is it? My cat sounds more rock 'n' roll than that. I don't know anything about him, I just know his name. I don't know anything about him. I know people really f**king hate him. I mean, kids love him. I don't even know who he is. No idea. And his name's Justin… whatever!"

I know, I know. A few weeks back, I rolled my eyes at The Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney going far out of his way to light a fire under Twitter Beliebers mostly because … well, it's Justin Bieber. There's just no sport.

Still, this is so Right because I must party with Noel Gallagher's cat.

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Kendrick Lamar: MTV rankings screwed over Kanye West
For f***'s sake, Kendrick, don't get this miasma of bug-f*** egotism and stacked inferiority complexes started…

I really wish Kendrick Lamar had demonstrated some thoughtful restraint because, really, why start pointing out to Kanye Pouty-Pants when he's been jilted? This never goes anywhere good.

Nevertheless, that doesn't mean the MC that MTV reportedly drastically over-ranked to top the former music network's most recent "hottest MCs" list is wrong. Oh, it's not that there's fault to find in Nas at #4 or Drake at #5 outranking #7-ranked West, as MTV revealed Monday while revealing the new rankings one MC at a time. For as persistently stellar as West remains despite a conspicuous drop-off in his first two albums' refreshing introspection, the most recent output of Nas and Drake arguably brings to the table much that it could be said West has seemingly forsaken.

Someone just please tell me how in every ethereal f*** Big Sean came in ahead at #6.

In music, you are often judged by your most notorious hit, and often fairly so.

THIS GUY outranks Kanye West?

MTV, I'm sure by now that you don't need anyone leading you to The Corner.

Despite reportedly far outranking West, Lamar conceded recently to Rap-Up, "Definitely. I mean, it's Kanye. It's Kanye. He's been puttin' in work for years." More to the point, Lamar added, "It's very important for hip-hop. We need that. It's competitive…It is rap after all, and everyone should want to be the best. A lot of people forget out there that even though we're doing these collaborations and stuff, you know, that's we're cool. At the same time, this is still rap. It's still competitive and I'm tryin' to compete with everybody to be the best and that's how I feel everybody else should feel about it…You're supposed to feel like you're the best. 'Cos if you don't – you gonna get stepped on. It's a jungle out there."

I mean no disrespect toward Lamar, mind you. While he's a superb MC that packs a total package of intelligence, dynamic flow, confidence and snare-drum-tight production, it's simply my personal taste that I rate the most recent output by Lupe Fiasco, Big Boi and The Game just a little bit higher. That being said, his remarks are just barely right in that placing Big Sean just a cut ahead borders on blasphemy. While West's latter-day output leaves something to be desired in lyricism to one such as myself who reveres the perfectly inspired composition of The College Dropout, he's a far, far sight from a flash-in-the-pan dimwit such as Big Sean who is arguably standing upon West's shoulders exceeding a man who gave hip-hop back its brain in 2004.

"I don't wanna fight, Jack, but you ain't ever right, you know you wRong…"

Kanye West: Lil Wayne an all-time great
And quicker than you can "Emmett Till is sexy," Kanye wastes every letter of the last several hundred words.

"Yeah, I just think... [Lil Wayne] and [Jay-Z] and [Eminem] and certain people are just the greatest rappers of all time," Kanye told Hot 97 recently when asked about MTV's aforementioned ridiculous rankings, adding that he feels Big Sean should actually be in the top 5.

Jay-Z? Yes. The man is the Duke University of hip-hop; he always remains among the elite because he's just that distinctly talented. Eminem? Absolutely, even taking into account his less-compelling work of the last several years.

Will we never finally acknowledge that there are but a handful of MCs more overrated than Lil Wayne, though? He's just barely less of a hip-hop-cliché collage than Lil Jon packaged with lazy flow, forced rhymes, and vapid lyrical variety that I like to imagine makes smarter true all-time greats like KRS-ONE, Slick Rick and Ice-T cringe that anyone in their right mind would seed him near Mr. Carter's or Mr. Mathers' enduring, evolving styles that have remained razor-sharp while comfortably evolving with age.

Wait…"right mind"…

Ponders every known evaluation of Kanye West…

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Chris Vrenna, Carly Rae Jepson, and Two Wrongs in One
While I side with former Nine Inch Nails drummer Chris Vrenna that "Call Me a Hole" edges into grotesque sacrilege where the early Nine Inch Nails radio hit meets Carly Rae Jepson's mystifyingly beloved "Call Me Maybe", I feel compelled to ask: really, man, how surprised could you possibly be?

It's a classic pratfall of "I can, therefore I should." The remix lines up Trent Reznor's gnashing contempt at being beneath a greater power's thumb to Jepson's earworm, synth-laden instrumental. It does so with admirable precision. In a strictly technical sense, they do … "pair" well.

On the other hand, Reznor is nothing if not artistically driven by the flood that courses from his most bare, open wounds. His band composes backing that complements his lyrics. To cut and paste his words over any other template is to almost defile a part of Reznor himself.

"Honestly I find the whole thing silly and partly offensive...I find it kind of insulting. It has trivialized something we've done," said Vrenna, who played with the band from 1989 to 1997. "I am proud of what we've done and to take art -- just to be a joke -- I don't have any respect for it."

We live in a time when precious little could still be called sacred. Still, Vrenna might do well to consider whose opinion should really matter to him. I must believe that even he knows that the appreciation of die-hard NIN followers who make a personal connection with Reznor's works ultimately won't really care. Their kindred passion for the tumult Reznor has shared will ultimately burn brighter (or, as the case may be, "darker") longer than anyone remembers even Jepson's original blind squirrel that found a nut beneath the Irony Tree.

"Now, how could I possibly be inconspicuous when my flow is f***in' Ridiculous?"
 photo RIDICULOUS_zps450711f3.jpg

 photo TaylorSwift.jpg

Tina, Taylor, Amy, and box seats in Hell…
"Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women'," Taylor Swift quipped to The Hollywood Reporter in reaction to Amy Poehler and Tina Fey giving her both barrels at the Golden Globe Awards over her notorious ex-blasting, catty caterwauling.

Remember this, anyone?

If I may quoth the harpy…

"She's an actress
But she's better known
for the things that she does on the mattress…"
-from "Better Than Revenge"

"I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause…"
-From "Teardrops on My Guitar"

"But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time…"
-From "You Belong With Me"

"I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family all dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid
Somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry
She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me…"
-From "Speak Now"

"She's not a saint
And she's not what you think
She's an actress, whoa
She's better known
For the things that she does
On the mattress, whoa
Soon she's gonna find
Stealing other people's toys
On the playground won't
Make you many friends
She should keep in mind
She should keep in mind
There is nothing I do better than revenge
She looks at life like it's a party and she's on the list
She looks at me like I'm a trend and she's so over it
I think her ever-present frown is a little troubling
And she thinks I'm psycho 'cause I like to rhyme her name with things…"
-From "Better Than Revenge"

At January's Golden Globes, Fey and Poehler took their shots at Swift by warning her, ""You know what Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J Fox's son."

Yes, that's right, Taylor. They're going to Hell. See, here's the thing though, Honey Cake…

As Poehler put it, she's Hell-bound mostly for "boring tax stuff." Though you just kept digging your hole halfway to Beijing by blathering further to THR, "For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that's taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist."

Oh, sweetie. You have a thick skull that rivals Mark Hunt's. You interestingly also have a skin thinner than Stefan Struve's jawbone. You're the one that so boldly proclaimed that you were more than fair game if any ex you've publicly spit-roasted wanted to shirk class and decorum to set his sights upon you. So let's just gather that it's one thing for a man to one day eventually argue, "The problems began and ended with you," but it appalls you that another woman would dare be openly ashamed of your misguided, grotesque vision of feminism and dignity.

So let's make this distinction all the clearer, OK?

Adele can get away with a song like "Rolling in the Deep" or "Rumour Has It" because they were parts of a whole album that reminisced upon a bygone relationship from several facets. It was a projection through a prism. Even Lily Allen merits somewhat of a pass on penning a song mocking a poor former lover's penis because, first of all, it was a good, witty song, but also because Lily Allen is a fairly accomplished songwriter who can shift in and out of that vindictive persona.

You? You're a fixed-gear bicycle: no matter who's riding, you don't have a single other gear into which you can dial yourself.

The sun's comin' up…I'm ridin' with Lady Luck
I'm the bearer of bad news, Babies: I'm afraid The Moment of Gwar has run its course. I've unfortunately started running low on inspiration to keep it up, and I've burned through the best clips that I could find. I promise you all, I'll try to find something else that makes for a satisfying weekly end to the column, hopefully by next week.

Meantime, here's an infectiously sexy number by Lovage that's been burning itself comfortably into my brain this week. It's "Stroker Ace" to close out Music's 3 Rs.

One of the single greatest YouTube comments I have ever read: "If I can't get laid to this song, I'll die a virgin."

Keep your stick on the ice. I'm Sean. You're not. Never dull your colors for someone else's canvas.

Oh, one more thing…


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