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The 411 Music Top Five 07.10.13: The Top 5 Musical Trainwrecks
Posted by Jeremy Thomas on 07.10.2013


Criteria: Have you ever been by a car accident and been unable to look away from it? Yeah, you know you have. This week, that's the kind of thing we're looking at with the Top 5. Music has a way to fascinate us even when what we're listening to is the equivalent of sonic torture. The criteria this week was songs that are absolutely messes to the point you just can't tear yourself away from listening. They could be "so bad they're good" or just "so bad they're impossible to turn away from."

Honorable Mention: James Brown - "Living In America," Elton John - "Philadelphia Freedom," Billy Ray Cyrus - "Some Gave All"

5. Hatebreed - "Own Your World"

This song is here because of the intro to the song, it's laughably cheesy in its' positivity. When your song starts with a call and response yell of, "Whose got more heart than you?", "No one", I can't help but start laughing, it' so damn ham fisted that I can't help but laugh. the song itself isn't all that awful, it's a bit generic, pretty much paint by the numbers for Hatebreed, but it is a positive song, which you don't often hear in metal. But all in all, the intro to this is so bad, that you want to keep listening, it's like a fly trap of cheese.

4. Sisqo - "Thong Song"

Back in 2000, I was the ripe old age of 9, and when it came to my obsession with music, I'd say it was almost on par with how I am now. Except, now, I listen to metal of all shapes and sizes all week every week to give you a good Hammer of Doom. Back then, I listened to the only thing that was readily available, pop music, and I listened to it for hours a day. I remember the summer of 2000, I was at daycare, because my mom couldn't trust me alone at the house, because you know, I was nine, and this song was all the kids at the daycare would listen to, besides boy bands. This song is bad, like just plain stupid, it's about thongs....yep, that's the premise, he wants you to show that thong, th, thong, thong, thong. Now, granted, this song is better than the club shit of now, but that might be my rose colored glasses of awful nostalgia talking, but I feel like it is. This song doesn't really get bad at first, but once you hit the hook of the song that just repeats over and over, you can't seem to turn away. It gets in your head and you want to listen to it again to get it out, and you never do. Though I will give this guy credit for one thing, I laughed out loud listening to this because I had forgotten that the last minute of so has his singing about thongs with a symphony behind him, and I just find that mash-up of things to be hilarious, to say the least. This song is not good, but it is catchy, and you will not be able to turn away, so click on the video at your own risk.

3. Metallica - "St. Anger"

Here we are, the album that I piped in with when the question of what this topic was was asked. My hatred of this album is well chronicled in mycolumn, I mention my hatred of it quite often. So when I went through this album just to see if I could find any track on this album has a so bad that it's infectious, and what do you know, the title track actually fits this quite well. The song opens kind of muted, and then it actually gets aggressive about 45 seconds in, and I'm on board with the song, and then it gets all mellow and James Hetfield is crooning on about St.Anger, and it's really funny. This doesn't stop, either, it just keeps going on and on and on, annd oddly enough, after listening to the song twice in a row while writing this, I'm not sick of it, but that might be because I've tuned it out a bit. But I think that this song really represents the trainwreck that is this whole album, lyrics that mean nothing special, weird shifts from heavy to soft that don't make musical sense. Not to mention to trash can drums and Kirk Hammett not even mattering in the sceme of things. I hate this song and album so much, but I can't seem to turn it off, I think perhaps there is something addictive to this errant turd of an album, maybe it's because it repeats riffs enough to where it's in your head like a parasite, but no matter, it lands on this list regardless.

2. 4 Non Blondes - "What's Up?"

If it weren't for the internet, this song would just be a very meh song from the 90s that I would have heard once and just forgot about. But no, it got remixed by the internet, with He-Man, and that's why it is here today. I mean the song is better than half of the crap on the radio today, at least it feels like there was general effort, though I will say that the song itself is kind of boring and really reeks of 90s radio alternative (like I know what that truly is). It's a very meh song, even without He-Man, I listen to the song, because that HEYEHEYEYEY section of the chorus is very catchy. But because I find entertainment in silliness, here is the He-Man version.

1. Megadeth - "Crush 'Em"

This song is just awful, I would know, because I know Megadeth's discography like the palm of my hand, and this song starts bad and just keeps heading south as it goes on. It starts with a slow bass line, and that is the pace for the entire song. It is plodding, and it is very hard to survive, but I know as a fan of the band, I was curious how bad the song got, then it reached the apex of old man Mustaine trying to be cool. DAVE STARTS A RAP! That is right, Dave Mustaine rapped in the middle of his song, and it is hilarious, absolutely hilarious. They almost top themselves in terms of how awful the song can get, the lyrics are absolutely dreadful, to boot. But I'm sure Goldberg enjoyed this being his theme for a few weeks in WCW. I think if I were to rate all of the Megadeth songs on a scale of good to bad, this one would be the worst, but oddly enough, I still can't help but listen to it, perhaps because it's so bad it's funny, much like a lot of the songs on this list.

Honorable Mention: Lindsay Lohan - "Bossy," Kreayshawn - "Breakfast Syrup," Soulja Boy - "Crank Dat"

5. Black Eyed Peas - "My Humps"

Now don't get me wrong, folks...I actually like the Black Eyed Peas. Yes, I realize I lost most of you right there but it's true. They are by no means makers of great music for the last several but it is at least entertaining. This was meant to be funny I think...at least, I hope to Christ it was. No one should make a serious song about "lady lumps." But in fact, the Black Eyed Peas did. And the result was so atrocious...that of course it had to be a major hit. Alanis Morisette's cover was actually hilarious...this was just bad.

4. Paris Hilton - "Stars Are Blind"

Paris Hilton has no business making music. Okay, now that the blatently obvious is out of the way, I will say one semi-positive thing about this; it is not the worst song in the world. It's not even the worst song in pop music. But it's still really God-damned bad. This was the song that actually inspired the topic this week; it's a musical trainwreck BY a musical trainwreck. Is that meta? I think so. Either way, this is horrendous and deserves its spot.

3. Billy Ray Cyrus - "Achey Breaky Heart"

One thing Miley Cyrus can say with confidence is that no matter how bad she gets, she will probably not have the worst song in her family's history? Do you hate "We Can't Stop" or "Can't Be Tamed?" So do I, but they don't hold a candle to daddy's megahit. This was bad in funny way the first time you heard it. By the third time, you were screaming for it to end. At least, I was anyway. This is the most mind-numbingly irritating song of all time.

2. Rebecca Black - "Friday"

Do I really need to explain this one? It is popularly considered the worst musical hit of all time. I think there is one worse, but it's a close second place at least. I have sympathy for Miss Black, who is a teenage girl who wanted to be famous and made herself a worldwide joke in the process. She now has a spot next to Star Wars kid, Numa-Numa Guy and the rest of the horrible memes. Poor kid.

1. Nicki Minaj - "Stupid Hoe"

Come on, try to make it all the way through this absolute torture porn of a musical experience. Bet you can't. Nicki Minaj showed promise once upon a time, but that promise has long since been wasted and she's lost all respectability as an artist. Roman Reloaded was a piece of musical trash and this song in particular is one of the worst things that has ever graced my ears. It's a complete and utter mess, hitting your ears like a dissonant strobe light of sound. I don't have a single nice thing to say about it and so much bad that it all blocks up in my brain and turns into a festering ball of rage. So...enjoy!

The Final Word

As always, the last thoughts come from you, the reader. We're merely unpaid monkeys with typewriters and Wikipedia. Here's what you need to do: List your Top Five for this week's topic on the comment section using the following format:

5. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
4. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
3. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
2. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
1. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it


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