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 411mania » Music » Columns

The 411 Music Top Five 08.20.13: The Top 5 Worst Songs of the Summer
Posted by Jeremy Thomas on 08.20.2013


Criteria: Summertime is almost done, and there has been a lot of music released during it. Some definite highs but some pretty soul-shattering lows as well. We're going with the lows this week, and thus we present to you the worst songs that came to infect the airwaves during the summer time of 2013!

Honorable Mention:
Robin Thicke - "Blurred Lines": After listening to this song again, I don't hate the song as much as I hate it getting in my head.

5. T.I. (ft. Lil Wayne) - "Wit Me"

Not quite sure if this came out too early to count as a summer song, it might, but the awfulness of this song can't be missed, I absolutely despise it. Here's my buy or sell blurb, I don't think I can say it better than I said it.

"I wont lie, almost everything I have heard from this man makes me plead for a barbed wire colonoscopy, this was no difrferent, really. T.I.'s verses were better, I liked them a bit more than Waynes' versus, but I though his were pretty awful and a bad way to start the song. This was another of those songs that I wasn't going to like, I already knew that, but it was worse than I thought, with the whole WIT ME thing in the chorus really just annoying me to death."

4. Selena Gomez - "Come and Get It"

I wonder how many times the phrase, "When you ready come and get it", can be uttered? Seriously, that feels like half of the song, then again, it's the chorus, so maybe that's why it's said so many damn times, but I'm convinced that it's just there so many times because there isn't much to this song in terms of concept, nor is it taken very far out of the concept of the song, which is, I have love, come get it. Though I will admit that the NAH NA NAH NAH is catchy, if not insufferable after a while.

3. Flo Rida (ft.Pitbull) - "Can't Believe It"

This song got worse the second time I listened to it, didn't think that was possible.

"Damnit, why does nobody recognize that Sir Mix-A-Lot is the only man that can pull of a great ass song, I really wish Mr.Rida here would figure it out. I mean, the guy isn't exactly David Bowie in terms of creativity, or Bob Dylan in terms of lyrics, but I really hope that he can pull something out of his ass that is better than this. It's a generic club banger, with Flo Rida psuedo singing badly, then Pitbull shows up to give me more of a reason to turn this song off. It's just a really mediocre song, and I'll die happy if I never heard it again."

2. Miley Cyrus - "We Can't Stop"

If I wouldn't have went through the Buy or Sell column's I've participated in this summer, this would have been the undisputed numero uno, I despise this song, absolutely despise it. The basic premise of this song is everything that I find wrong in a lot of my fellow youth nowadays, people thinking that just because it's fun, there shouldn't be any consequences", the whole #YOLO sort of thing, and it pisses me off to no end. The song is so lifeless and lacks anything that would make anyone think that it's anything more than Miley Cyrus trying to prove that she's grown up by making drug references and shaking her lack of an ass like there is no tomorrow. The concept, I have addressed as bad, but I think I also should highlight just how bad the execution of this concept is. The lyrics are just shit, total shit, the personification of shit, and I wont accept anything to the contrary. Miley sounds pretty soulless in this, fits the tone of the song, I guess, but that's little excuse. This is one of those songs that I REALLY hope gets buried in the vault of shit music over the next couple of years, this is just awful, soulless, and highlighting everything that I hated about the bros in high school who showed up hungover at grduation. Before I close, I also want to say that I hate the video, but it wont stick with me like this song did, it scarred my soul. But it's still not the worst of the year, because that one hits close to my home genre.

1. The Issues - "Hooligans"

I have a giant blurb from Buy or Sell to give you, but before I do, I do want to apologize for how angry I come across, because this song really tripped wires in my brain that make me see red. This song is worse than Miley, though, no joke, you have been warned.

"I got to this song, and it started kind of odd, I expected some generic scream and riff (because I had wikipedia'd this band as the song started), and I did not get that. No, I got something that sounded like it came off of the local hip-hop station, so you can understand my confusion, because I was expecting metalcore. Then came my expectations, and they were met faster than I expected. This is the shit that I hate, and when I say hate, I mean that five seconds of music like gets my blood boiling, it really does. I know that it shouldn't, because this isn't metal, even if it has elements of metal, but I see this as an inferior piece of shit attempt at trying to meld the genre of metalcore (which I don't like that much) with pop (like metalcore needed to be poppier), and it just makes me so angry. The starting riff is pretty mediocre, just like the rest of the song, just listen to the individual instruments for a second. Notice that the riff is the most technical thing there, after that, it is just your generic "core" beats that start and stop, and rinse, wash, and repeat, and that is unacceptable. I especially am annoyed at the turntable being used, but at least they decided to go all out with the pop influences. Speaking of pop influences, let me talk about the vocalists. The unclean vocalist, Douchey McBrootalstein (I looked up his name, it's Michael Bohn, not that it matters), and he is pretty much your typical metalcore screamer, he has zero range, just does his thing, and lets the clean vocalist, named Tyler Carter, sing. His voice is not that bad, but it pisses me off that he is there, because his chorus really doesn't fit with the breakdown verses that are manned by Bohn. I'll be done in a second, because I know I'm overreacting to this song, but it just really makes me angry. Bands and music like this is the reason that I have to explain to people that death metal bands are "screamo", because this is what people think of when they say "screamo", I hate that term by the way, it is my number one pet peeve. In summation, this band is something that my 15 year old sister would eat up, a bunch of pretty assholes in polos, flannels, and sleeve tattoos and hipster glasses. Bands like this are the lowest common denominator in terms of music, and are the reason metal is looked down upon in a lot of societies. Bands like this are immature, lacking in anything resembling a technical skill, and living off of the fact that they have 17 year olds that will eat this up because they don't have the fucking sense that God gave a fucking lemming, and I remember being 17 and thinking that stuff that was not nearly as bad as this was the be all,end all of music, and I would punch 17 year old me in the fact right now, because 17 year old me is the reason that this band exists."


Honorable Mention: Robin Thicke (T.I. + Pharrell) - "Blurred Lines," Florida Georgia Line (ft. Nelly) - "Cruise," Rocko (ft. Future and Rick Ross) - "U.O.E.N.O."

5. Ke$ha (ft. will.i.am) - "Crazy Kids"

Oh, Ke$ha. Ke$ha, Ke$ha, Ke$ha. The pop star preceded the summer by drinking her own urine on her MTV documentary (which, for the record, has been renewed for a second season) and then released this, her latest travesty of a pop single. Listen, I won't say that I like Ke$ha but she's enjoyable when she does her kitschy tongue-in-cheek stuff. But this song is just abysmal and will.i.am, fresh off his own depressingly bad solo album release, doesn't add anything even remotely worth listening to. The entire thing is completely forgettable and for Ke$ha, who gets off on bad attention as much as good, that's the worst possible result.

4. Miley Cyrus - "We Can't Stop"

Miley Cyrus needs to stop trying to be a pop star and stick to acting. I'm not saying she's good at that, but she's been an embarassment as a pop star in a while. Remember "Can't Be Tamed" where Miley Bird longs to be free and wild? Yeah, that's Adele compared to this wierd-ass over-produced mess. The lyrics are incredibly banal and generic, right down to the shoehorned-in controversy over "dancing with molly/Miley." I'm not even going to begin to get into the music video. Yes Miley...is your mouth and you can say what you want to. But I sure as hell don't have to listen.

3. Icona Pop (ft. Charli XCX) - "I Love It"

If this list was built purely on personal dislike, this would probably be #1. I loathe this song, but if I'm being objective it isn't the worst thing. But it sure as hell isn't anything even remotely approaching 'good' and I can't see why anyone would have any love for it. It's basically half-assed word salad set to a generic beat that sounds like it was composed using Super Generic EDM BeatMaker 1.5. The thing was very clearly made not out of any artistic value but because they felt they could ape a thousand other songs, throw in a little peppy girl power and call it a hit. Sadly, they were right and our ears have all paid the price.

2. One Direction - "Best Song Ever"

You know why I hate this one? Besides the fact that it's One Direction, the only boy band more soulless than The Wanted, delivering bland and generic pop shit with all the heart and emotion of a midi keyboard. And don't get me wrong; all of that is bad. But let's not kid ourselves; I don't care if Pete Townshend is okay with it, I am not okay with the fact that they ripped off "Baba O'Riley" for this. There are certain musical crimes that are absolutely, 100% unforgivable. Ladies and gentlemen, with that I present the song with a name so ironic, it's hilarious: "Best Song Ever."

1. Major Lazer (ft. 2 Chainz, Bruno Mars, Tyga & Mystic) - "Bubble Butt"

No. There is no debate here. This is the worst song of the summer. End of story. The song is only three and a half minutes and the first twenty seconds is just repeating the phrase "Bubble Butt." And once the lyrics start, you wish they would just loop that twenty seconds on repeat. It's brutally bad. 2 Chainz, Bruno Mars, Tyga, Mystic...not one of them add even a single moment of music-worthiness here. It's the aural equivalent of having an ice pick jammed underneath your fingernails. If I never, ever, EVER hear this again it will be too soon.

The Final Word

As always, the last thoughts come from you, the reader. We're merely unpaid monkeys with typewriters and Wikipedia. Here's what you need to do: List your Top Five for this week's topic on the comment section using the following format:

5. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
4. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
3. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
2. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it
1. Artist - "Song": Why you chose it


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