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 411mania » Music » Columns

The Savage Animal 12.18.13 Illuminati by Nature: The Top Seven
Posted by Mikey MiGo on 12.18.2013

"WWE TLC PPV 2013 Review": I wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted to tune into this show and have my mind blown and everything I thought was true would end up being a misdirected lie to present something so awesome that the past few months of utter shit would be worth it.

Welp… that didn't happen.

This show was not just bad, but it was one of the worst pay per views I've seen in a LONG time. There were matches here that would have been better off on the syndicated Main Event program. The structure sucked and the build up was seriously retarded. Yeah, I know that's a mean and hateful word but I'm describing a whole process and not an individual.

For some reason everyone is being "buried" right now. The midcard is a cluttered mess with no one really getting a chance to shine or rise from the ranks. Guys like Dolph Ziggler, Damien Sandow, and others are just kind of kept there as B-listers while we get the same four or five guys in the same four or five matches.

Why in the hell was there two handicap matches on this show? What purpose did it serve? CM Punk won his and now The Shield has their baby steps towards their break up. I'd much rather them just bring in a replacement for Reigns when he is surely pushed too soon and too far. The Wyatt's defeated Daniel Bryan too. It was a fine match, but a handicap match like that is not something ANYONE wants featured on a PPV.

The sad part is that these were the two best matches. The rest was pretty bad. The Tag Title match was great until the end. Big Show helping Goldust out and then helping him up during the match was just stupid and broke all believably for the match. Then Rey was practically treated like a sad sleepy child by Big Show and Goldust at the end. It was ridiculous. The match was solid until then.

A lot of filler too. It's filler if it's not announced or awesome. That's just the way it is. They could have EASILY announced Kofi vs. The Miz a week or two ago and had a promo or two to build it up. Why couldn't the R-Truth vs. Brodus match have been the free kick off match? More importantly why wasn't it announced on RAW last week? It's a logical match, but logic without result is not going to get my attention.

The main event was bad. Cena and Orton made TLC lame. It's some of the coolest ingredients in gimmick match history together in a sure fire spot fest. Instead we saw Randy Orton take a few sloppy table bumps and John Cena do things REALLY slowly. It was just sloppy and bad. I wanted to watch it, enjoy it, and get something positive out of it. I didn't. I appreciate the handcuffs being used and the creativity behind the approach, but there was nothing really memorable about this match except the sight of Orton flexing with the belts as Cena gives his "awe shucks, I'm still superman" shitty smirk on the outside.

I miss Edge.

Illuminati by Nature: The Top Seven
Alleged Members of an Alleged Group
Secret societies have been around for a long time. How long? Well, that depends on how well people have been at keeping secrets. over time there has been many clubs and groups to become public knowledge at least on some level. One of the most recent secret societies to be tossed out to the conspiracy wolves has been the illuminati.

I don't know much and I'm not too concerned with educating myself on the topic. I just know that the rumor gamut that runs regarding it reminds me of the Scientology stalkers. Who cares what anyone else thinks except for yourself? Why does it matter to you?

I know, but what's the fun in being levelheaded and respectful of everyone? Stupid.

Basically, from what I've gathered, is that it's a group of big name a-list celebrities, mainly rappers for some reason, who "run things" and has ties to the government. I'm sure there is some symbolism and maybe even some evil doings according to the psycho freak people.

The crazy thing is the list of rumored celebrities that are attached to the group. Many of them are involved with the music industry.

Now, I'm going to educate myself on the "alleged" musicians of the illuminati.

Why, you ask? Why not, I say!


I think Rihanna is the illuminati. No, she's not a member of this crazy secret society of rich and powerful socialite. She IS the whole damn gang. I heard from a unreliable source that "Rihanna" actually translates to "illuminati queen" in a language that doesn't exist. The conspiracy nuts are avid and mad about this one. Ri-Ri doesn't make it any easier for anyone though. She's constantly using symbolism that's "associated with illuminati". She plays a long with it. In her "S&M" video she dropped TONS of "hints". She is said to be a promoter of satanic ways and is constantly sneaking in her hidden heathen messages. Damn her! She displays pyramids, photos of her with one eye, and tons of the little quirks that go with being part of the upper crest of humanity. She's also connected to Jay Z, which is apparently the easiest sign of "You might be illuminati if…" It's JUST like the old Jeff Foxworthy jokes about being a redneck except… not. They are exactly the same. Replace and it's the same.. "If you go to a family reunion to pick up women… you might be illuminati" OR "if you sound like a Jamaican robot with mediocre talent and appealing looks… you might be Rihanna… and illuminati!"


If you play "Baby" backwards, you'll hear a backmasking masterpiece that gives us evil guidance, declares a war, and professes to general evil. He's got an evil owl tattoo… that's something too! It all adds up, right? When I think of powerful figures that scare me Justin Bieber is right at the bottom of that list. Justin Bieber is a dumb kid that even dumber kids are fans of. He's a harmless pop star. He is going through what ALL pop stars seem to be going through these days. He was a wholesome kids star and then as he got older he'd rebel more and more to the point where the same parents who was buying the CDs are now citing him as an example of how NOT to act. He's just a dumb kid with a lot privilege right now. He's not part of some secret society. I don't think he can spell "secret society". That's still a few spelling tests away.


He's Kanye West. He's already evil. There is no way in hell a secret society would want one of pop culture's biggest mouths attached to it. I know he's rich, successful, and a talented artist… but he's also married into the Kardashian family. This takes any and all serious credibility and tosses it out the door. I'll continue to appreciate his art, but that doesn't mean I need to support his life style or choices. I'm sure he wouldn't want a fan without a real opinion and view of the world so I don't lose sleep over it. I wouldn't anyway. Apparently I'm alone in that though. West gets under people's skin with the best of them. He has spouted off stuff about the illuminati and keeps dropping symbolism connections, but it's really hard to believe he'd be in a group of dignified folks. He's too much of a loose cannon and a free thinker to be grouped with suits and ties. The dude loves his publicity though. I see no reason for him to admit or deny anything. As long as we're talking, we're going to be listening…


So is he STILL a member or not? That's the debate. When people waste their time to talk about the illuminati and Eminem they don't even debate IF he's a member. The story goes that Eminem was in the illuminati but quit or "got out". There are theories and "examples" to back this story out. It's even said that the song "Not afraid" is about going against the illuminati family he was once part of. He has plenty of "one eye" images out there and the typical symbolism that's easily associated with evil. Eminem gets to have this little extra thing to reference and add to his mystique. It's like having his cake and eating it and yours too. Eminem gets to be the hero of this story while still getting the mystique of being an actual member… or is he?! Oh man… the suspense! Here comes mom's spaghetti…


Madonna is evil! Remember her Super Bowl Half Time Show? Yeah… sorry, you've been brainwashed. That whole performance and production was actually a ritual that was performed in front of millions of unknowing people. Why? There was some fire, beams of light, a pyramid, and some other far-fetched stuff. Madonna runs with it, for better or for worse. On her recent tour she used it as part of her "forced controversy" stuff she does when she needs to promote something. You know how it works. We don't hear anything from her for a while then she says something or does something very calculatingly "shocking" to get some attention around the same time she has something she wants money for; be it album, tickets, or merch. Madonna is an artist, the American David Bowie. Think about it.


Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but illuminati? I'm not buying it. She's too weird and artsy to be part of some kind of conformist cult of leaders. Her personality thrives on the need for attention and affection. A real "monster" would not give a shit about people's thoughts or affection, just the bottom line and their P.O.V. of the "greater good". Yet the conspiracy psychos bite the bait and get lead along by this marketing genius. She plays up and uses the one eye thing in many photo shoots. It looks cool, but it's also connected to the illuminati's "all seeing eye" symbol. There is tons of weird symbolism that people take from her stuff, but her stuff is so weird and full of her own symbolism that I don't think there's room for any other pretention. I'm not even a big Gaga fan or anything, but I think she'd be too good for this club. Her whole deal is to be all inclusive and welcoming of everyone.

1.) JAY Z

There is tons of conspiracy talk about Jay Z being in the illuminati. It goes back to the 90s. Even Rolling Stone magazine had a piece on this topic back in like 98. More people than one would imagine are caught up in the Jay Z theory. There was one recent discussion I had with an old friend who brought up Jay Z's "diamond" shaped hand signal. They said it was illuminati related, but in reality it's just a hand sign. In fact, he was sued and settled with "Diamond" Dallas Page, the professional wrestler who was CLEARLY doing it longer for audiences of millions. He has brought up the illuminati conspiracies in his lyrics, which probably did more harm to clearing it up than anything. Even if it's not true, he's still out there using it to his advantage by using some easy symbolism and little hints to freak people out. It's working too. He wears the pyramid symbols in a lot of his jewelry and there is even a creepy report from the International Business Times that Jay Z had a doppelganger in 1939 thanks to an unsettling picture. The craziest was someone putting out there that his daughter's name is an ode to the cult. Apparently Ivy Blue just isn't a really nice name, it's "I.V.Y. = Illuminati's Very Youngest B.L.U.E. = Born Living Under Evil." People just seem to be hunting for reasons to poke holes in Jay Z's credibility or to make him seem "evil". The weird thing is how he denies it. He's constantly bringing up his faith in God, which is all good and fine. If he's not in the illuminati, the free masons can still sign him up. If the Illuminati are real and its members consist of powerful hip hop moguls then Jay Z should probably be on top of the list. Does it take on members who are famous for songs like "99 Problems (But a Bitch Ain't One)", "Hardknock Life", and "Niggas In Paris"? If so, then praise Hova. In all seriousness, Jay Z IS one the most successful performers and pop culture entrepreneurs out there. He has businesses on top of businesses and ventures on top of ventures. He's constantly evolving and taking on new business goals. In a few short years he went from a NBA team owner who was married to Beyonce to a celebrity sports agent who is married to Beyonce. How does he manage to get these opportunities? Is it the power of the illuminati or the fact that he's pretty much a billionaire doing whatever he wants? Who is going to stop the guy?

So is this real? If so, WHO is in it?!

"Mike Goodpaster's Unpaid Programming"

"Clear History"

Larry David didn't give us another season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" yet because he was working on this movie. It's about a guy who quits his corporate job right before they take off to a McDonalds/Apple level of "big". Thus he moves away and lives a normal guy life without anyone knowing his true backstory of almost having it all. His former boss then moves to town and ruins everything for the guy. The boss is played by Jon Hamm, who does a decent enough job in the role. There's not much to the character so he didn't get a whole lot to run with. He's just charming and misunderstood. Poor him. The rest of the cast is pretty awesome too. Danny McBride is the "best friend" plus there's Bill Hader, Kate Hudson, Michael Keaton, Eva Mendes, Amy Ryan, JB Smoove, and Philip Baker Hall. It's a great cast and they all play their roles nicely. Everything adds up for it to be a great comedy and it almost is. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty… pretty… pretty good, but it's not nearly as great as the comedy of Larry David we've been groomed to love. This movie was basically a crazy surreal episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". The difference is that instead of Jeff Garlin we got Danny McBride. It would be as if the Larry David from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" got hit in the head and had a crazy dream. The result of said dream would be this wonderful episode of hilarity. Greg Mottola directs this and by all accounts, it's great and made me laugh consistently through-out. It was just way too similar to "Curb" to feel "special". I enjoyed the movie, but I guess it really didn't feel like a movie. I want to watch it again, but I'm not in any big rush. I'd rather watch reruns of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and laugh harder. B+

"Worst Case Scenario" is a new take on the concept of "fantasy booking". For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. "Worst Case Scenario" flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let's take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I'm not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…

"The 4 Horsemen Return!"

The Four Horsemen is one of the best and most respected wrestling stables of all time. We can't deny this. The lineage is as impressive as any group of all time. People will often cite the nWo, DX, or even the Hart Foundation as their favorite stable of all time. You can have your favorites all day, but when we talk about the BEST there is no other.

We had Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, Tully, Lex, Mongo, Pillman, and pretty much an all-star lineup. Flair was one constant in the group and Arn was always around too. This crew would run shop on NWA and WCW for years. They were dominate, they were classy, and they were the cream of the crop coming together to join in beat downs, ladies, partying, and of course holding up those four magic fingers.
When you saw those four fingers raised in the air, you knew shit was about to get real. That bad ass horse grunt into one of the coolest theme songs ever… then bam! There they were.

Others have tried to recapture this kind of glory, but failed. The Evolution, The Millionaires Club, the Legacy, and others have tried to put together their own dominate classy heel group. They've all had their own successes, but no one came close to the impact of the Horsemen. Outside of DX and nWo, I'd have a hard time thinking of anyone who was even at their level.

The WWE owns everything. Even you! This means they most likely own the name and branding that goes a long with being a Horseman. They're out of ideas and have a roster of people not being used. This is where it all comes back… but of course it'd suck.

The WWE seems to have issues with Ric Flair. So off the bat, we're going to use this whole situation to kind of stick it to the ol' Nature Boy and company. Hell, despite the fact Arn Anderson is in the back he too will not be involved. Instead, it goes like this.

On a random RAW, a man shows up in the front row. We don't focus on him, but he's obviously a presence. The camera scrolls by him and he raises the four fingers. Instantly the smarks realize it's JJ Dillon, the Horsemen's manager of old. He is pointed out and for some reason keeps showing up. It's obvious here's there for something. He has run-ins with talent where he holds up the four fingers and then turns them down and leaves.

Finally someone like CM Punk is beating a Health Slater in a squash match. Punk confronts Dillon. Dillon holds up the four, Punk smirks and holds it up too. The crowd goes nuts. Dillon turns it down and then out of nowhere Heath Slater hits Punk from behind with a kendo stick!

From there JJ Dillon manages Heath Slater, who starts to dress more glam rock. Noticeably, he wears a rock star robe of some sorts. He leaves the 3 Man Band. He talks about how he went from being a One Man Band to a 3 Man Band to the leader of the NEW 4 Horsemen. He's the best counter in the business!

He would eventually be joined by his own enforcer… BO DALLAS! Bo Dallas would take on the role of Arn Anderson in this crew. To fill it out, Tons of Funk get repackaged as evil heels. I imagine what it would be like to see Cedric the Entertainer as a heel, colorful suits and all…

So The NEW 4 Horsemen is "Nature Boy" Heath Slater, "The Enforcer" Bo Dallas, "King Reptar" Brodus Clay, and "Sweet T" Albert Tensi… managed by JJ Dillon.

Print the money!

"Jack Ryan: Shadow One"

Jack Ryan is back! How do we know this? Because the movie is called "JACK RYAN: SHADOW ONE"! How lame and cheesy is that? It sounds like a fake movie you'd hear Bart Simpson not want to go to. It sounds like a parody movie. I like that! It sounds so over the top and hokey that it's going to have to be good. The Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and Ben Afflecks of the past are now joined by Chris Pine. Pine is pretty awesome as Kirk so this seems right up his alley. He could make a career out of taking silly premises and making them credible and watchable. The rest of the cast includes Kenneth Branagh, Keira Knightley, Kevin Costner, and David Paymer. It should be hilariously action packed!

That's all for now! That was more fun than it probably should be. I wish there were an illuminati group. Why not? There are plenty of wrestling-like gangs and stables in life. Be it politics, sport teams, families, boardrooms, etc. Group mentality is nothing new. If the illuminati were real, I'd wish they'd be more open about things. The lame groups like the Klan and organized religion teams get to run their mouths all the time, but the interesting secret societies are all hush hush. Ah well. Anyway… the times are a changin'. I've seen my life change A LOT in the past year and it's all been for the positive. I'm currently turning the corner on some things that I've been working on for a long time. I've had a few delays, a few roadblocks, and a few distractions but the patience and persistence is going to pay off. This is a bandwagon you should just get on now. Things are going to be awesome in the twenty-one four. Until next time… Have a Great Week!


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