The Savage Animal 01.01.14 Time Capsule: 2013
Posted by Mikey MiGo on 01.01.2014
Remember 2013? It was so long ago, but today we look at a few time capsule items for the year that was. It’s the 377th edition of The Savage Animal, Mike digs deep into the annals of time to the year 2013. This, a way to incorporate super powers into the WWE, a review of This Is The End, and more! Make it your resolution to click the link!
"New Year's Resolution Challenge": It's 2014. Yay. Let's not all jump for joy at once. I look forward to the New Year for many reasons, but it's all just a number. The symbolism behind the idea of a "fresh start" is flat out stupid. There are rarely ever any REAL "fresh starts". It's all progress and drive. If you're broke today, no fresh start is going to change that. If you want to lose weight, quit smoking, be nicer, read more books, etc etc etc… there is no fresh start. There is now and then there are excuses.
If you REALLY want to do something then you won't need an arbitrary day set aside to do it. Just get off your ass, make the decision, and go at it. Otherwise, you're just wasting time talking about it. No one wants to hear you spend the entire month of January babbling about what you're New Year's resolution is. Stop it! Just do you.
It's a day known specifically for people to "break their resolution". You never hear about the people who stick to their guns as a resolution and find themselves better on the otherside. You hear about people who made the steps forward and took control of what they wanted. Day, time, and phony milestone withstanding.
The measurement of a time does not need some kind of big milestone for me to decide to do anything. It's just silly. It's like ONLY being nice to a loved on Valentine's Day because it's the day we're "supposed to".
Why follow along with everyone else? If you really want to show how serious you are, step up to the plate on your own time. Make your own milestone. Why rely on the Mayans and their silly calendar. If anything we should all realize after surviving 2012 that it's all bullshit. Besides, Dick Clark passed on, and to be fair, each year is less enthusiastic than the last. It's just an excuse to party, which in itself in dumb. Why do you need a stupid calendar to tell you when to have a good time? Own your breaths because that's the only time that matters. There's no calendar and clock on that so stop being a little douche and just go for it.
Time Capsule: 2013
Remember 2013?! 2013 is Gone. Another rotation around the big rock has been completed so we can all put in paper hats with tight rubber bands and drunkenly cheer on the occasion. Balls have been dropped, resolutions have been made, and kisses have been exchanged.
Everyone is looking forward. At least everyone should be. We have a lot to look forward to in 2014 and especially in the next few months. There is plenty to be optimistic about and plenty to work on.
Real quick, before we get too ahead of ourselves, let's take a glance back at the year that was. I could easily go week by week and talk about all the random news items. That's an easy write for any columnist or blogger. I wanted to put my own stank on the tired idea.
Today I am going to put together a digital time capsule for the year 2013. The idea of making a time capsule is always fun. It gives the future you or even a future generation a look back at what people were doing and what was going on in a certain time. 2013 is no different. There are some historical things going on underneath our noses just as much as there are some ridiculously embarrassing things going on that we'll be cringing about in the not too distant future.
Let's poke around 2013 and see what happens…
WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY
So it's a kid song… but it's ironic so it's for adults? Okay. It's a Norwegian comedy duo who put out a video to promote the new season of their show. It "went viral" and became the big craze of the moment.
"In The Future…"Is this the 2013 "Friday" or "Gangnam Style"? This song is a novelty. It's pretty damn popular at the moment, but it has to carry on for way too long for it to be on the same level as a "Gangnam Style" or even a "Who Let The Dogs Out?" It's a joke song. The artists have their own thing going outside of music so I doubt they'll have much issue with this being the obvious one hit wonder it'll go down as. THAT LORDE SONG
This pretty white girl sounds like Rihanna, rambles her lyrics, and is one of the biggest new stars of the year. The song is catchy as hell. I won't even lie and say I haven't enjoyed it on more than a few occasions. It's just to the point where it's gotten annoying. It's being overplayed and is oversaturating pretty much every radio market I listen to in the Chicagoland area.
"In The Future…"This song will be remembered. It's too popular to go away forever. It's going to be one of those songs that people bring up when forced to talk to about 2013. It's not a bad song, but it reminds me of something like a "99 Luft Balloons" or something else pop-of-the-moment. MOLLY
What is it? A scheduled 1 controlled substance, that's what. I'm no party pooper, but this drug seems a little iffy. It's basically pure MDMA, which is ecstasy. I have no problem with someone dropping the occasional roll, but the whole inane use of party kids calling it "molly" is worthy of literally pissing in someone's face.
"In The Future…"Remember bath salts? Yeah, me too. Drugs come and go. For a while people were really into "candy flipping" and then kids got into "whip its". It doesn't matter. It'll be a topic in the future, but relevant? I doubt it. Something cooler will come out. Hopefully no one calls it something stupid like "Molly". Screw whoever named it that. Drugs are supposed to be cool and risky. When I hear some plaid pants wearing douche say "I was on Molly last night bro!" I think it's fair game to assume they have no genitalia. ARCADE FIRE: KEEPING ROCK ALIVE!
Reflektor is one the best rock albums in a while. In a time when rock is watered down and monotone pop rules the airwaves, it's refreshing to see an accessible art rock band release inspired rock and roll music.
"In The Future…"I'm fairly certain we're all going to continue to love the Arcade Fire. They might not blow up to a U2 level or anything, but people are going to continue to love them and follow them the same way bands like The White Stripes are always going to be appreciated. They're just cemented into the era as a leader of rock. They COULD fade off or fizzle out, but their immediate impact and awesome work will not be forgotten. Then again, a fan boy of any band would say the same stuff I just said. Let's hope I'm right. JUSTIN BIEBER'S OWL TATTOO
Justin Bieber got a tattoo of an owl. It sorta looks like the owl hidden on the US dollar bill. Uh… There is nothing more to say.
"In The Future…" Did I miss something? Why the hell did owls become the fashionable animal for 2013? Go to any "contemporary" store and you're going to see random shit with owls on it. If you've ever seen the awesome sketch on "Portlandia" that boasts "put a bird on it!" then you'll understand how obscenely ridiculous this fad is. People are literally making money off dumb people by "putting an owl on it". Suckers! AFTER SHOCKS OF THE HARLEM SHAKE
Random dancing done by random nerds.
"In The Future…"This is pretty much done with. I know there was some residual shakes popping up, but in general we're done! I'm sure that if we added up every minute of every "Harlem Shake" and made those who participated in said dance hold their breath for the duration then the world would be a better place. Remember how a few years ago it was "cool" for people to have elaborate and over the top dances down the aisle of weddings and how these "cool" videos would show up on Youtube? Of course, we've ALL seen that episode of The Office. Well, the Harlem Shake is the same thing… minus the wedding cake. Disgusting! THE INNOCENCE OF ONE DIRECTION
One Direction is currently the boy band of the moment. In 2013 it's hard to think of any other teenage group that's as loved and followed as these kids.
"In The Future…"These guys are going to break up. Back in the day, every boy band has the "bad boy" who gets in trouble. These days it's every band member. I think it's safe to say the popularity of One Direction will eventually fade as their fan base starts growing underarm hair. Just like any young pop star, these guys will start rebelling and partying. Enjoy the innocence while you can because this will definitely get messy. SHOE-LESS HIPSTER BANDS
Hipsters got all folky on us. I heard them referred to as "ho-hey" bands. It's the bands who have banjos, not enough shoes, unkempt beards, and overpriced vintage clothing. It's a pussified Woodstock where instead of bad acid being passed around it's expired almond milk and kale shakes.
"In The Future…" The hipster fad had evolved rather nicely. The popular thing was emo for a while. The skinny jeans would stay, but the sad make-up and Hitler hair was left behind as the hipster movement would take over. At that point, they added plaid shirts and too many handkerchiefs. Now it's this. Before we know it, it'll be something else. Not soon enough. MILEY CYRUS'S TONGUE AND TWERKS
Miley Cyrus has grown up before our eyes. She started off as a child on "Hannah Montana". The show was HUGE and she started to really take off with her music career. Kids loved her and she was pretty much America's sweetheart for a while. Then her girl-balls dropped and she became the pot-smoking, tweaking, party girl she is today.
"In The Future…" She's a young chick with a lot of money, no limits, and who surely has attention/ego issues. No matter how kind her heart may be, her mentality has to be screwed up from growing up in the spotlight. When everyone else has their "you can't tell me what to do!" tantrums as teenager and rebellious young adult it goes by unnoticed by the media. When Miley smokes some weed it becomes a TMZ headline. It's weed. It's legal in like 57 of the 50 states. She "twerked" on Jason Seaver's legitimate son at an award show. 10 years before that Madonna and Britney kissed. Before that was Madonna dancing seductively. Then we have past instances from gaga, Marilyn Manson, and even Eminem. There is always "controversy". This shit is tame. Miley is coming out of her shell and her marketing team is capitalizing on it. In a few years she'll calm down and settle down or at least someone else will come along and "out-offend" the soccer moms of suburbia.
This was a movie that I took too long to watch. When it came out I wanted to see it, but just never got my ass to the theatre. I'm a big fan of most of the people involved and I down right cherish the chance to see potentially well written R rated comedy. I finally got to see this movie and like you probably already know, it's pretty damn good. It's easily one of the best comedies of the year, but it's going to be one of those timeless comedies that show up on whatever the equivalent of basic cable will be in twenty years. It's just a damn good movie. It's a bunch of famous actors that we've all come to love and appreciate over the years hanging out as crazy hybrid versions of themselves. The world ends and they're pretty much on their last legs during the apocalypse. Hilarity ensues. The storyline is CRAZY and they go into certain directions you would never expect. By the end of the movie shit has gotten so screwed up that they could literally have done ANYTHING for the end and it would have made just as much a sense as anything else. That's not an insult. We're going from the perspective of the characters and they sure as hell don't know what's going on so why should we? That's part of the fun. You get to experience it with them. There is no side shot or cut-away or anything like that. It's just you with Seth Rogan, James Franco, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Jay Baruchel, and a slew of others keeping up the awesome comedic timing all the way until the last of the last. The jokes are hilarious, the slant of their personalities was a lot of fun, the imagination put into the movie is overflowing, and it's just a good time. It's a bit "meta" and "self-referential" so it's hard to pull the reality and the narrative apart, as weird as that sounds. It's hard to compare it to a "Knocked Up" or a "Pineapple Express", but it's very easy to appreciate and want to watch again. A-
"Worst Case Scenario" is a new take on the concept of "fantasy booking". For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. "Worst Case Scenario" flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let's take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I'm not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…
"Wrestling With Super Powers!"
The WWE is trying new things to be more appealing to children. It's their big demographic. They have made millions of dollars catering to the PG era of children. As they grow older the product has to mature. It's just a natural progression.
The problem is that things aren't how they used to be. The Attitude era would NEVER fly with the moral police out there shutting down anything considered "taboo" or "offensive". The WWE would have to mature in a different way. They'd have to go after that teenager demographic to really capitalize on the fan base they've been grooming for the past ten years.
So yeah… the WWE gets super powers.
They would have to tape RAW two weeks ahead of time, but the WWE would start to institute SPECIAL EFFECTS. The Undertaker can shoot lightening from his hands, Daniel Bryan grows goat horns when he gets fired up, Randy Orton grows scales when stalking down a RKO, John Cena makes people explode with a single punch, Ryback EATS people, and Stephanie McMahon shoots fire from her eyes.
It goes on and on. The Champion gets special powers. Each wrestler would have their own "signature powers", but certain gimmick matches would allow for special "upgrades".
To make it safe for the fans, they'd have a force field surrounding the ring… obviously.
It would be like a bad B-movie, but you know, even worse.
At first you'd think a movie named "Labor Day" would be one of those ensemble romantic comedies directed by Gary Marshall. It's not! It's not at all! This movie has a great cast of Kate Winslet, Josh Brolin, Gattlin Griffith, Tom Lipinski, Clark Gregg, Alexie Gilmore, Lucas Hudges, James Van Der Beek, Tobey Maquire, and a slew of others. The movie follows a 13 year old boy who has to figure out life seemingly on his own. The kid has a rough home life where his mother is reclusive and school isn't much better. The boy ends up befriending a strange man, brings him home, and then we find out he's an escaped convict. The plot seems a little tired, but the action and the performances are definitely going to be strong. This is a movie that Jason Reitman wrote and directed. His track record thus far speaks for itself. This will be "pretty good" at best, with a huge potential upswing.
That's all for now! There is A LOT on deck right now, but I'm looking forward to where things may go. I have a lot of goals and ambitions for the upcoming months and I expect to push myself farther than ever. Not because it's a "new year", but because it's just time to take the natural progressive steps in my own evolution. That was my fancy way of saying "I'm gunna do some stuff!". 2013 had its ups and downs. I can honestly say it was a MUCH better year than 2012. Like MUCH better. If 2014 is a drastically better as 2013 was to 2012 then I'm in for some awesome times. Next week I listen to the studio albums of Kid Cudi and then some other fun stuff. Should be fun. Until next time… Have a Great Week!