The Southern Fried Chronicle 01.06.06
Posted by Rhett Walker on 01.06.2006
My New Year’s resolution is to be an angrier columnist
Welcome back to the Southern Fried Chronicle, the news column that promises to give new meaning to the word angry in 2006. I'm the guy that writes this thing, Rhett Walker. So, how the fuck are you all? Things are just dandy here in the deep south. I hope everyone's holidays were good. Other than a small kink here and there, things were good for the most part on my end. Christmas kicked ass, my wife and I hosted our first actual party in our home for New Year's and everyone had a good time and got home safely.
Now I'm sure (or at least, I'm hoping) one or two of you have been wondering where I have been over the past three weeks. Well, it goes like this. One, this was my first Christmas season being married and in my own home, so there were additional obligations that I had never had before. Two, I spent about a week being pretty damn sick. Three, and this is most important, my younger brother was in town on leave. He is a proud member of the Armed Forces, and he is leaving to go over to the sandbox this week. It's going to be at least six months before I see him again, and possibly longer. Needless to say, there have been things of great importance on my plate lately. But no matter; I'm back and I'm not going anywhere.
Football
Dark times have fallen upon us all. The College football season has officially come to an end. The bowl season was one of the best in recent memory. Alabama won against Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl (ROLL TIDE!), LSU destroyed Miami in the Peach Bowl, and to make my SEC picture a little brighter, Auburn got their asses kicked by Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. The battle between college football's elder statesmen in the Orange Bowl was everything it was expected to be. And last, but certainly not least, the Rose Bowl was fucking incredible. That game was great from start to finish. Even if you are not a fan of either team (which I'm not), this game was one that football fans will not soon forget. Congrats to Texas for dethroning USC (thank God). I look forward to seeing Matt Lienart in a New Orleans Saints uniform next year (so long Aaron Brooks).
I'm fun to read, but I'm not the only one here
We'll be back with our regularly scheduled pimps next week. Read everyone, dammit!
This really is news!
Former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth stated in a recent interview that a Van Halen reunion is inevitable. Can somebody tell me what alternate universe he is living in so I can go there and slap him back into reality. There has already been a Van Halen reunion. In fact, there has already been TWO Van Halen reunions. The first one was with Roth a decade ago and lasted for about 2 seconds. The second one was with Sammy Hagar almost two years ago. Both of them ended because of the same thing: Eddie Van Halen. As long as he continues to have his head up his ass, a reunion is impossible, not inevitable. Sorry Dave, you're going to have to continue to suck.
Audioslave is about to enter the studio to record their third album, only eight months after releasing Out of Exile. Frontman Chris Cornell has assured everyone that they don't plan on being off the road for very long. He said the band is wanting to break the cycle of a year and a half in the studio, followed by a year and a half on the road, followed by a year and a half in the studio, etc. I must say I like this move. Whereas most bands want to milk each album for all it's worth (and their record companies too), these guys are ready to get back to recording. This move has worked well for a few bands. The first five albums from Iron Maiden were released from 1980-1984. From 1973-1977, KISS released six studio albums and two live albums (all of which kick ass). AC/DC released an album each year from 1976-1980 (not a bad one in the bunch). Of course, there is the flip side to this. A year after releasing Follow The Leader, Korn put out Issues in late 1999. They have yet to fully recover. Fortunately for the guys in Audioslave, they have been around for awhile, so it should be good.
Motley Crue's Carnival of Sins tour continues on its accident-prone course. At the band's New Year's Eve concert, guitarist Mick Mars was reportedly pulled off stage by a couple of female fans while trying to give them a guitar pick toward the end of the show and fell to the floor. Speaking on the band's website, Mars says that he is fine and undamaged. For a man who had hip surgery not too long ago to take a fall like that, undamaged is a good thing. On the other side of the coin, the girls involved in the accident say that they didn't pull Mars offstage, but that he was trying to pull them onstage and fell in the process. What the fuck ever. One, Mick Mars is the oldest and most frail member of the band (but he is the coolest, hands down). Two, there are these really big guys that stand in the area between the barricade and the stage, called bouncers. All Mick would have to do is point and they would gladly get the ladies onstage. Mick=smart, groupies=dumb sluts. Thank you for playing.
The release date for the latest from Lacuna Coil has been announced. Karmacode, the follow-up to their 2002 release Comalies, will drop on April 4. I must join in the chorus of some of my fellow 411 writers and lots of fans and shout out "IT'S ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME!" For those of you that don't know about this band, I'll sum them up for you; Lacuna Coil is everything Evanescence wishes they could be. The music is better, the vocals are better, and, while not related to the music, Cristina Scabbia is hotter than Amy Lee will ever be (here's a photo of Cristina for your viewing pleasure). I saw them three years ago opening for Opeth and they blew me away. I got the chance to talk to the male vocalist (Andrea Ferro) of the band after the show, and he was one of the nicest and most gracious people I have ever come across in the music business. I will be buying Karmacode the day it comes out. Do yourselves a favor and follow my lead.
Somebody thinks this is news?
In a recent interview, former Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash stated that the repeatedly-promised new release from G N' R, Chinese Democracy, is due out in March. While having no real evidence, he said that this time it sounds like it's really coming out. I have not heard the interview, so until I get the chance to, I have come to two conclusions: either Slash was having a laugh, or he was hitting the bottle pretty damn heavy during the interview. I really could care less whether this album ever comes out or not. There was a time when I would have, but that was ten years ago. It's sad to say, but the music world has long passed W. Axl Rose by.
While this has nothing to do with music I listen to, I felt the need to include it. Over across the pond, performer Tom Jones was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. The man who is most famous for the number of panties thrown at him (along with providing the fuel for the Carlton Banks dance), now has Sir at the front of his name. Hopefully, Queen Liz didn't throw a pair at him as well.
Something to vent about
I am a music fan. Above all other forms, I am a rock music fan, focusing on the area of heavy metal. I've been that way for a long time. Not only do I like music, I like to know about the people that make the music I love. Now I'm not talking about stupid gossip bullshit, I'm talking about the actual people. When it comes to bands that I love, the connection is a little deeper. When something not so good happens to them, I am genuinely sad for them. I cried when Layne Staley died. I miss the hell out of him, Eric Carr, Freddie Mercury, and a whole lot of other musicians that have made my life that much better with their music.
Then there's the part of me that gets extremely pissed off when artists go out and do stupid shit that hurts them, or worse, someone else. People that get to write and perform music as a job lead a very charmed life in my opinion. Regardless of the level of success, if what they do pays the bills, puts food on the table, and helps them set them up for later in life, then they are doing pretty damn good.
That having been said, I want to talk about a certain genre of metal that is popping up on the radar screen for stupid fuck-ups more and more often. Since my return to reading and writing about metal news at 411, I have noticed that black metal has been living up to its name. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, black metal is a branch of death metal. The music sounds about the same, but the delivery is more extreme. From the music itself, to the appearance of the band members, to the over the top stage show, black metal takes death metal a step or two further. Coming mostly out of Europe, black metal is satanic, both lyrically and in appearance. Do I care that black metal is blatantly satanic? No. I could care less about whether music is religious in any way, shape, or form as long as I like what I hear. My problem is that some people, whether it be band members or fans, take it too far.
Present day in a Norwegian court, Gorgoroth guitarist Infernus is on trial for raping a woman. The frontman for the band, Gaahl, is serving a 14 month sentence for assaulting a man and threatening to drink his blood. Earlier this year, a black metal fan murdered a priest in Chile by slitting his throat and then stabbed himself several times while hundreds of churchgoers watched in horror. Stupid shit like this has prompted some countries to begin cracking down on black metal. Some acts have been denied the ability to perform in certain places, while black metal concerts have been raided. All because some performers have felt the need to get a little too extreme.
So why in the hell does this happen? Do these idiots feel that because they sing about and/or worship Satan that they have to go around acting like jackasses? I would think that just like every other religion on this planet, Satan would want his word spread to as many as possible. How is this going to happen if people keep dying or getting thrown in jail? All jokes aside, how do these artists expect to perform if they're stuck behind bars? If I was an actual fan of any of Gorgoroth, I would be pretty fucking pissed. It's a guarantee that it will be awhile before a new album or tour. The frontman is in jail, and one of the guitarists may be well on his way. Thanks a lot, fuckers.
The dumbass that murdered the priest is even worse. I just don't get it. If you like black metal, good for you. If you decide to worship Satan because of it, to each his own. If it warps your brain to the point that you want to kill someone, then you weren't in the right frame of mind to begin with. If you are one of these people, do the rest of us a favor and exit the gene pool immediately.
The parting shot
That's it for this week. A little on the short side, but when there's not a lot of news, what's there to talk about? See you next Friday.
