The Southern Fried Chronicle 01.13.06
Posted by Rhett Walker on 01.13.2006
It’s Friday, so after reading my column, my advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Welcome back for another heaping helping of hospitality known as The Southern Fried Chronicle. I'm Rhett Walker, the man who serves it up for you and hopes you enjoy it enough to tell others to take a taste. So what's happening everyone? It's another week of non-wintry weather here in the Deep South. Don't get me wrong, I like temperatures in the mid 60's-mid 70's, but this is January for crying out loud. It's a constant battle over the thermostat in my house between my wife and me and this is not helping things. If it's hot, we both want the AC on; if it's cold, we both want the heat on (but she wants it on higher). Right now, it's in the grey area, and it's a royal pain in the ass. But I know you didn't come here to read about weather in Southern Alabama, so I'll shut up about it now.
Like the row of beer taps at your favorite bar, we've got a lot of choices on the menu
Ben has thrown down the gauntlet and wants to dethrone me as the angriest columnist of the music zone.
Jared vents about remixes. I agree with everything he says.
Wanna know something about indie music? Read our resident gurus, Ian and Brian.
And don't forget to go over to the movie zone and check out my counterpart, Cris Murphy.
This really is news!
Aerosmith has been hinting that their touring days may soon be over. In a recent interview, Joe Perry stated that the band has come to the realization that they are closer to the end than the beginning, and that it is tough to sustain the hectic band's touring schedule. As the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. In concert, these guys haven't lost a step. Unfortunately their studio work has left much to be desired over the past several years. Once the band does decide to call it a day, I wish them all the best. They have given a lot more to this business than they have taken, and deserve to be placed on a pedestal for their 30 plus years of music.
My all-time favorite band, KISS, was interviewed for CNN as part of the promotion of their Rock the Nation DVD recently, and the footage was aired last week. The founding members, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, were completely full of themselves, and I loved every minute of it. I have been a fan of this band through thick and thin. I'll tell you how much I love them, but I'll also tell you when they have done or said something utterly stupid. In this interview, everything they said was 100% true. Cocky as hell, but true. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, these guys have been doing this for over 30 years, and have maintained their success since they became successful. They must be doing something right.
In other KISS news, Gene Simmons is the latest in a long line of musicians to pull a "Me Too." A&E has announced that it will record and air an Osbournes-style show called "Gene Simmons' Family Jewels." The show will center around Simmons, his longtime girlfriend Shannon Tweed, and their two children. The show is set to premiere this year. The show will probably be total crap, but since it's Gene, I'll probably watch an episode or two anyway.
After giving several guitarists a false sense of hope, Ozzy Osbourne has announced that Zakk Wylde will be recording and touring with him in 2006 and beyond. Originally, Zakk's schedule with BLS wasn't going to allow this, but Zakk changed things so that he could be with his mentor. I would like to give everyone who auditioned with Ozzy a dumbass award. Seriously, did any of these nimrods think that they were going to get this spot? Zakk has gone on record saying that he and Ozzy would be making music together until they died. Zakk is one of only two people that Ozzy is really close to, and the other one died over 20 years ago! Over the years, Zakk has been fiercely loyal to Ozzy and has been one of the big reasons that Ozzy has continued to be the draw he has been. Ozzy knows this, in spite of what his cunt of a wife tells him.
For those of you that are wanting a taste of things to come on the new release from Lacuna Coil, you can check out their new single, Our Truth, on AOL Music. Choose the Underworld Evolution soundtrack and scroll through it until you come to Lacuna Coil. I am listening as I type this, and it kicks ass. The new disc is due out April 4. Hopefully the fans of the more popular but nowhere near as good Evanescence will decide to give this a listen and give Amy Lee the finger.
In a posting on the band's website, Anthrax announced that the title track to their most well-known album, Among the Living, is the soundtrack to the trailer for the upcoming Clerks II movie. I checked this out before reading this newsbit, and it's true. What I find interesting is that the original recording of the track was not used in the trailer, but rather the version released on last year's "The Greater of Two Evils," which features John Bush and the pre-reunion lineup performing pre-Bush Anthrax songs. While there are no vocals in the teaser, it still made me laugh. The good lord willing, Scott and Charlie will do what's best for the band and get back with Bush.
It has been announced that DevilDriver will tour in support of Opeth on their current tour during the month of March. Also playing on the bill is Dark Tranquility. So far, only one date has been announced. If this lineup comes anywhere near you, GO, DAMMIT! This will be one hell of a show to see. I don't know much about Dark Tranquility, but if they're on the road with Opeth, they can't be bad. As for DevilDriver, I would think they would be a hard act to follow, but Opeth is up to the task. The energy level for a show like this will be insane. Man, I hope this show comes near me.
Somebody thinks this is news?
Nothing really ridiculous to put in this section this week.
Chinese Democracy will not be coming out in March, in spite of what Slash says (I'll take Duh for $200, Alex).
Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustaine are arguing over which one of their bands now sucks the most.
Golf is really boring, whether it's played in Hawaii or not (I just had to throw that in).
Something to vent about
As I'm sure you all have noticed, I have taken a few shots at Amy Lee and Evanescence in my most recent columns (including this one). And I'm sure some of you may have asked yourselves "Why does he keep doing that? What has Amy Lee done to him?" The truth is, she hasn't done a damn thing to me. Here's a little more truth for you. I think Fallen is a pretty good album. Grossly overplayed, but good. I'm hoping that when Evanescence finally does put out another album, it's as good (hopefully better) than their debut.
So why have I been taking shots at her? It's real simple. I am sick and tired of musicians that think so much more of themselves than they deserve to. Most notably, these one album success stories that create arrogant, self-centered band members (usually singers) that ultimately fuck up what could have been something really great. Rather than give a more vivid description, let's get right down to business and present a few cases.
We'll start off with the aforementioned Amy Lee. There's no denying her singing ability or the role that it has played in the overall success of the band. Once Evanescence became successful, however, problems started to surface. They had a member of the band leave in the middle of the tour. If that's not a sign that something is wrong, then what is? We're now three years removed from the release of their debut album, and not much has been said about when their sophomore album will drop. What have we heard about instead? Let's see, Amy Lee being involved in a lawsuit, Amy Lee thinking that people are going to pay to see The Chronicles of Narnia just because music from her band is on the soundtrack (which it ended up not being), and Amy Lee complaining about the film company not using her music because it's too dark (what the fuck ever).
Next we have Mr. "I think I'm the second coming of Christ but I'm really a drunken buffoon who likes to sing about spirituality but has no clue about how to practice what I preach," Scott Stapp. From the second Creed got big, Stapp has been nothing more than a complete asshole. He's a B-list rock star that acts like an A-list celebrity, suffering from the "Do you know who I am?" syndrome worse than the majority of Hollywood. When the rest of Creed parted ways with him, I rejoiced. Fortunately, neither Stapp or the others have truly moved on. Alter Bridge could just as easily be called Stappless Creed, and it sounds like Stapp has pulled and Axl Rose and done nothing more than gotten a backup band that sounds the same as his last band. Scott Stapp is hypocrisy in action 24/7. One of these days, it's going to catch up with him, and I hope someone is there with a video camera.
Next we come to one of my least favorite people on the planet, Fred Durst. What can I possibly say about this imbecile that hasn't been said already? Probably nothing, but let's do it anyway. He is the lamest frontman of a band with one of the lamest names in the history of music. When their debut album came out, a lot of people (myself included) thought it was pretty good. Instead of continuing in that direction, Limp Bizkit's village idiot decided to plat a new course. This course led to greater popularity, and for a few years Durst made overexposed an understatement. Fortunately, the ridiculously fickle public grew up and grew tired of him. Today, Fred is off the radar screen and the band is spoken of as a joke.
Now that we have three examples to look at, let's do a quick review of what they have been up to lately. Amy Lee has been busy being delusional and self-centered. Scott Stapp was most recently in the news for getting in a fight (and getting his ass kicked) with one of the members of 311. Fred Durst? Limp Bizkit released a new album this year. The only time I heard anything about it was when Brandon emailed a bunch of us one of the tracks off of it that he got in advance (it sucked).
What will the end results be? Here are my predictions.
Once Amy Lee gets her head out of her boyfriend's ass (and Seether really isn't all that good, either, btw), Evanescence will finish their next album. It will probably debut at #1 and probably be crap compared to Fallen. It will then plummet down the charts. Amy Lee will continue to live in her fantasyland, which will piss off the rest of the band to the point where they will leave her, and Evanescence will be no more.
Scott Stapp will finish his first solo tour early because he thinks he's too good to play anything smaller than arenas (which aren't even reaching half capacity). He will record another solo album, which will suck even worse than this one. He will go back on tour playing dive bars that he can't fill. He will then end up trying to start his own religion by convincing anyone who will listen that he is the second coming of Christ. We will eventually find him in a cardboard box in Florida, and the only thing he will be able to say is "Do you know who I am?"
As for Fred Durst, he's done already. He's just going to get old and fat be in denial that it's not 1999 anymore.
So there you have it. Three musicians that I once liked who now are not worthy of cleaning my toilet. Thanks Amy, Scott, and Fred for fucking up your bands with your over-inflated egos. You all could have been great, but you thought you were bigger than those that helped get you there.
The parting shot
The beginning parts of working on a dissertation really suck. Se you next week.
