The Digital Pulse 06.07.06: A Plea To The 'Maggots'

Posted by Joshua Richey on 06.07.2006

Slipknot fans...please stop being Slipknot fans.



Just like the Jeffersons baby, we're movin' on up. Oh, and don't act like your not impressed by my MS Paint skills.

Anyways, welcome everyone to The Digital Pulse. As always I am your host Joshua Richey.

In this week's edition of TDP, I would like to talk about something that to this day confuses's the hell out of me. That being Slipknot fans. Slipknot's fanbase consists of mainly young teenagers who either get beaten up at school, and stuffed in lockers, or have only half of a functional brain. These kids tend to like to believe that they're unique, and hardcore for liking bands like Slipknot, but they are oh so wrong.

First thing that people need to realize is that Slipknot is nothing more than a gimmick. They offer a dishonest representation of themselves in order to keep control of a particular demographic. I can't blame them for that. It's obviously working because it's impossible to go out in public, and not see some pale white kid with colored hair and wearing a ‘People = Shit' t-shirt.

These kids however don't realize this. They can't see the forest because of the tree's. They sit back, wear their Officially Licensed Slipknot clothing, and listen to their cd's. CD's published by the same company that produces Nickelback oddly enough. These kids think they know more about music than the rest of us. They consider themselves anti-mainstream, and anti-gimmicks. To them Slipknot represents everything that is honest, and surreal in their worlds, and for that they are hardcore. You dumb kids. Listening to Slipknot doesn't make you hardcore. Wearing Right Guard Extreme deodorant, and drinking Mountain Dew is what makes people hardcore, everyone knows that.

Lets do a little experiment shall we? I'm going to list off some traits of a certain band, and you try and guess who I am referring to. Ready? Okay...

- Excess amount of band members.

- Unique look that seperates themselves from others.

- Untalented.

- A monstrous appearence.

- Get more attention for the way they present themselves, rather than their music.

Who was I talking about? Slipknot? Nope. Mudvayne? Good guess...but no. Mushroomhead? Nu-uh. Actually I was referring to The Pussycat Dolls.



I also don't see how these fans can say that they relate to Slipknot. How so? When was the last time your pranced down to the local grocery store wearing overalls, and a dildo-supporting gimp mask? Do you have a jar that contains your collection of regurgitated tater tots? Have previous experience of slitting people's throats, and fucking the wound? Didn't think so.

While Slipknot fans are sitting at home listening to songs about death, and self-mutilation. The members of Slipknot are sitting at their mansions taking turns on who can write a more depressing song. My plea to Slipknot fans...please, please stop being Slipknot fans.

We must take action soon. Because every day a good kid is being exposed to this ‘idiocy', and turning them from this...



to this...



The (O.T)

In a desperate attempt to make my column longer; I introduce a new format to The Digital Pulse. I have got to get out of the habit of writing these columns the day that they're due. Hopefully this new format will do just that.

Movie Of The Week 06.07.06: Grandma's Boy

Honestly had no intention of ever seeing this movie. The trailer for it looked weak, and upon it's release I heard absolutely no feedback whatsoever. Then about 2 weeks ago, a guy I work with Kyle(your shout-out) approached me - he asked if I had seen it, and then he demanded that I do so at once. Here's how much I loved this movie... I rented it on Friday, and bought it on Sunday. I've already watched it 4 times! Hell, I even watched all the special features, and listened to the commentaries. It's that good.

The film doesn't really have a plot, but shit who needs a plot when you have video games, cyborg's, bongs, a monkey, and Doris Roberts getting stoned? To top that all off, you have the always sexellent Linda Cardellini, another future ex-wife of mine. See this movie, pronto!

Game Of The Week 06.07.06: Hitman: Blood Money


Chances are that if you liked Hitman, Hitman 2, or Hitman: Contracts, you're going to like the 4th game too. Why? Well basically because it's the same exact thing. Not to say that it's a bad thing. The Hitman series has always been pretty solid. It's features some pretty damn cool level designs, and a nice variety of weapons to kill bitches with.

My only gripes are that the enemies A.I make them about as dangerous as Terri Schiavo. That, and the game has zero replay ability. Good game. Defiantly worth a rental.



Future Ex-Wife Of The Week 06.07.06: Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba will be hosting the MTV movie awards this Thursday. Between her, and Christina Aguilera; it might actually be worth watching.




FILLER. FILLER. FILLER!!!1!

> 107.1 FM, the main ‘pop' station here in the Greater Cincinnati area played a Panic At The Disco song today. Since hearing it I've been contemplating ways to ignite revenge. You see, Panic is far to good of a band to be Green Day'd like that. Clear Channel(the station's owner) can single handily over expose an artist, and their work so badly that you'll begin to hate them. Kanye West for example. Kanye West is a musical genius. I once thought that I could listen to him all day. That was up until Clear Channel made that thought a reality. They proceeded to play ‘Gold-Digger' 24 times a day, everyday. Which resulted in me going into a Kanye West isolation mode. Fuck you Clear Channel! You leave Panic At The Disco alone!

> Dear Comedy Central,
If it's not to much to ask for - could you please stop showing Mad TV 6 times a day? It's really not that funny. I'd actually prefer to watch that channel with that one eyed nun, trying to sell me shit instead.

> At long last a show has finally combined homosexuality, and robots. Ladies, and gentlemen...Gay Robot!!

> Which fan base should I run down next? Options being Linkin Park, Nickelback, and the Insane Clown Posse.

> Not a good time for the sports team that I root for. My Detroit Pistons are not in the NBA finals. My Cincinnati Reds are coming back down to earth, and my Cincinnati Bengals' locker room is starting to resemble the HBO series OZ.

> I am sort of looking foward to the NBA Finals. Talk all you want about Lebron James, but if I were building a franchise - I'd build it around Dwayne Wade. I like the Heat to take it in 6 games.

> How in the sam hell can my spell check recognize the term ‘homosexuality', yet feel the need to underline ‘bengals'? Our freaking President doesn't even acknowledge the term ‘homosexuality'.

That wraps up another edition of The Digital Pulse. I'm not sure what I'll be writing about next week, so I cannot send you off with any sort teaser, or anything of that nature. Just know that I'll likely try to be funny..again. I'll also proceed to crash, and burn...again. See for yourself next Wednesday.