The Digital Pulse 07.07.06: The Last Dance

Posted by Joshua Richey on 07.07.2006

411's Joshua Richey is leaving 411Music, but not without making a few more people angry.

Like all good things in life, my time here is coming to an end. This will be my last contribution to 411mania's Music section, as I begin to make the transition to the 411's Gaming section. Fear not; this will not be the last edition of the Digital Pulse. Nope, instead it too is heading over to 411Gaming; but this time as a weekly News Report. It's kind of a big deal for me because News Reports are the bread and butter of 411. They're the most popular and most read articles on the entire website. It's a way for me to reach out to a bigger audience, and draw more attention to myself--being the attention whore that I am, and all.

I'll be contributing to 411Gaming in a number of different ways besides the Digital Pulse. I'll also be an influence in the reviews, previews, and the special features. There is no doubt that it will be a much tougher assignment, but I can honestly say that I'm stoked about it.

But enough about all of that. For now I'm still a Music writer, and this is still a Music column.

My mindset for the past two weeks has been: gaming, gaming, and gaming. So as much as I would like for this to be some sort of big 'send off', or as an attempt to 'ride off into the sunset'; it'll probably be nothing more than a clusterfuck of ideas, and opinions.

Let's begin, shall we?

Mail Time!

During my time here at 411, I've received plenty of feedback from my readers. Some e-mails are filled with praise and offers of sexual pleasure; while others appear to serve no other purpose than to remind me how much that I 'suck at life'. But no e-mail over the course of the past few months has given me the joy, nor bolstered my confidence more than this one.

This e-mail comes from Charlie. Apparently Charlie took exception to my stereotyping of Slipknot fans in a previous edition of TDP. Not only did he take exception to it, but by-god-almighty...it pissed Charlie off. You can tell this, because Charlie's e-mail is in all caps. This is what 14 year old douche bags like Charlie do when they want you to realize that they mean business.

FUK U!! SLIPKNOT IZ DA FUK'N BEST BAND N THE WORLD. IF U DONT LIKE 'KNOT THEN UR A FAGG. FAG! Y DONT U CUM 2 A 'KNOT SHOW FAG? CAUSE UR A FAGGOT! U PROLLY LISTEN 2 LIL BOW WOW OR WHATEVER IT IZ U FAGGOTS LISTEN 2!! PRAY U DONT EVER MEET ME CAUSE ILL KIK YO AZZ! FAGGOT!

I was remotely impressed. It's almost as if Charlie went out of his way to misspell words. Charlie, did nothing more than prove that all of my criticisms about Slipknot fans were in fact true. Relax Charlie, go drink a Huggie or something.

Best. Video. Ever.

I'd like to thank Kyle for informing me of such a wonderful video. It appears that I'm not alone in my constant agitation with Canadian Super Suck Group: Nickelback. These concert goers in Portugal give new meaning to the term ‘let's rock'.



Sellouts?

The term ‘sellout' is thrown around way to often these days. What exactly classifies a musician as a sellout? Just because an artist has their songs played in a commercial, on the radio, and have their shirts sold in Hot Topic's across the county--doesn't make them sellouts.

Nine times out of ten, it isn't that the band has sold out; it's that fans temporarily forget how stupid they are. Your telling me that if a 'suit' were to offer you a large sum of money to use one of your songs to sell a product, that you would reject it? Bullshit. Want to use my likeness to sell recycled tampons? Hell, I'll do it for the right price.

Richey's Favorite Bands
Since I've managed to piss off a lot of people by making fun of their favorite bands; thought I would take the time to share mine. This way you can all e-mail me and criticize my taste in music. Note: Doing this will accomplish nothing, other than proving that you're a dickless loser who doesn't have a life.

I tend to be very hesitant in accepting new music these days. For the most part, I like the same bands today, that I liked back when I was in high school. I compare this list to Clay Aiken's perfect gang bang-diverse and full of men.

1. Deftones
2. Lostprophets
3. Brand New
4. Dr. Dre
5. Bloodhound Gang
6. Kanye West
7. Rammstein
8. Our Lady Peace
9. The Get-Up Kids
10. Smashing Pumpkins

In Conclusion

Now that I think about it; this will likely be my last opportunity to give my takes on the Music scene. More importantly, it will also be the last chance for me to make fun of people who listen to bad music. There were entire fans bases that I just never got around to making fun. Bands like Linkin Park, Kottonmouth Kings, the Insane Clown Posse, and the entire genre of Country Music. Fans of these may have avoided me for now, but they shouldn't need a guy like me to tell just how worthless their lives are.


Album of the Week: Lostprophets - Liberation Transmission
Aside from the Deftones; the Lostprophets are my favorite band. It's their amazing mixture of melodies, and impacting lyrics, that gets me. They made me a fan with their first release of Fake Sound of Progress, and while the follow-up release Start Something was a bit of a letdown, it was still a good album.

Now, comes their third major release, Liberation Transmission, which is so good, that one has to wonder if this band can do any wrong. This album is sort of like sex for your ears, minus the painful brain penetration. Easily the best album released so far this year.

Movie (not to see) of the Week: Superman Returns
Not a good week for me in the movie category. Still hadn't had the time to sit down and watch much, but this past week, I was able to catch a couple of movies; both of which - were equally as ‘sucktacular'. For some reason I watched Underclassmen over the weekend. Oh wait, I know why I watched it, it's got Roselyn Sanchez in it, that's why. Any movie with Roselyn Sanchez in it should at least be tolerable. But this film featured too much Nick Cannon, and not enough Sanchez.

I also had the unfortunate opportunity to see the new Superman movie, Superman Returns. Being that it's a bigger, and more recent release; I'll pass the honor of Movie (not to see) of the Week, to Supe's.

It's sort of funny how Brian Singer left the X-men franchise, so that he could takeover the reigns of Superman. Funny, because that move sort of blew up in the faces, of all parties involved. X-men, under new direction, was a bit underwhelming, and Superman, well Superman is just…bad.

I've never been a fan of the Superman character, mainly because I'm not apart of the generation that grew up with him. My parents, co-workers, and older friends, are all fans of the Man of Steel, but they grew up with the franchise. I'm 22 years old, and have had only a WB Animated Series, a sitcom starring Dean Cain, and Smallville, to judge from. I know Christopher Reeve as a guy that has difficulty riding horses; not as Superman. Watching the old Donner films, to me, is like watching Amputee porn; not able to peak my interest. Superman was always too corny when compared to the superheros that I grew up watching. In no way could the last son of Krypton, ever hold a candle to the likes of the X-men, the Ninja Turtles, or Ash, from the Evil Dead series; characters that were far more common growing up.

My other dilemma with Superman was that he was just too ‘Super'. Superheroes need their limitations, and Superman far exceeded those limitations. I can familiarize myself better with a guy like Batman, because Batman has no powers. Batman is simply a guy, with lots of cool gadgets. There are certain situations in which Batman finds himself vulnerable. Not the case for Superman. He had a lavish repertoire or powers at his disposal. I don't want to see that. I want to see a guy like Ash, whose only power, is his ability to capture the perfect one-liner, right before sawing into the undead, with a chainsaw.

Getting back on track, Brian Singer was supposed to do for the character of Superman, what he did for the X-men franchise. Give it life, give it resurgence, and convert non-fans, into fans. Brian, you're job was to make me belief that a man could fly; which you did. But, you failed in making me care. None of the characters in this movie are likeable in the way that Hugh Jackman's Wolverine was. Instead, the only way that you could keep me from going to the bathroom, was the fear that something worth watching might actually occur while I was gone.

This was Superman. This was supposed to be bigger than X-men, bigger than Spiderman, bigger than King Kong. Hell, it's not even as big as Daredevil was, and that is pretty bad. The only ‘big' related things that go with this movie are its budget, its plot holes, and its boredom factor.

Basically, don't see this movie.

Game (not to play) of the Week: NFL Head Coach
Don't even get me started. I would rather get finger banged in the ass, by Edward Scissorhands, than to ever waste my time on this game again.








Future Ex-Wife of the Week: Jessica Simpson
If my hands were bound in sandpaper, not even that would be enough to prevent me from ‘cranking one out' to the thoughts Jessica Simpson, and her lovely mamms.




Filler. Filler. Filler!!1!

> Am I the only one that finds it completely ridiculous for ESPN to interview NBA Draftees, upon being drafted? Assuming that you can even understand the guy, you're just going to get the same exact pre-thought up response, over and over again. Stuart ‘I fit every black stereotype' Scott will usually ask something to the effect of: "Hey Sheldon, how does it feel to be a New Jersey Net?" Nine times out of ten, the response is: "Good."

> The new season of Entourage is finally beginning to pick up. I've been pretty vocal in my lack of excitement, thus far. But based of the past 2 episodes, it appears that they're finally settling back into their groove. This pleases me.

> If you're looking for something good to read; than I'm more than happy to pass along some suggestions. About a week ago, I went to Borders and purchased the following: Tucker Max – ‘I hope they serve Beer in Hell', Maddox – ‘The Alphabet of Manliness', and Max Brooks' – ‘The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead'. To simply say that all three of these books are amazing, and future cult classics – would be an understatement of epic proportions.

> Rammstein's music video for the song ‘Mann Gegen Mann', is perhaps the most disturbing music video that I have ever seen. Even by Rammstein standards, this is one fucked up work of art. The song's title translates to ‘Man against Man', and the video consists of well… a bunch of butt naked men rubbing up against one another. And as if they hadn't met their man ass quota; the band members themselves are also bare naked, and uncensored. It's quite repulsive, even by Rammstein standards. Bad ass song; it's just a disturbing video. Check it out here.

> Curb Your Enthusiasm = My new anti-drug.

Well I suppose that this is it. This is where I sign off, and tell you to come back next week. But there will be no next week. There is no exact date set for when the Gaming Zone will launch, but it will be mid, to late July. My ass has been busy writing reviews, and trying to lay the foundation of what the new Digital Pulse will look like. I'd like to thank everyone who has read one of my columns. I'd also like to thank Ashish, and Brandon for giving me an opportunity. Also would like to give a shout out to Mitch Michaels for all that he does. Without him, the Music Zone would be a complete failure.

I think that about wraps it up for me here. If you have any questions, or comments – you can mail me at [e-mail], or contact me via Myspace.

See ya on the other side!