Sex, News, & Violins 07.07.06

Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 07.07.2006

The Mars Volta have a complicated vocabulary, Gnarls Barkley need more costumes, Broken Social Scene, The New Pornographers, Metric, Final Fantasy and Wolf Parade could win a big cash prize and The Pixies will never record again. Ever. Plus Kate Bush going crazy!

Man, this week is dead for news. I mean I got nothing, it's like a graveyard out there for news. Although I guess that's to be expected. I mean, we did just celebrate national holidays dedicated to blowing fingers off with fireworks. Makes it harder to type. I'll just have to scrape up whatever I can find for this column. That's right peeps it's the scrapings edition of Sex, News, & Violins. Brought to you by Scrabby's Scrapers, they're scraptacular!

Last week's column got a little mangled near the end. For some reason the whole video section is screwing up stuff at the bottom, so if you notice anything particular I'm still trying to work the kinks out with the new section. I blame it on my lack of expertise with HTML. Stupid computer language!

Strangely enough though, the picture of Rick James managed to go off without a hitch. So I got the hang of pictures at least. Let's celebrate with a picture of Steve Buscemi.



Ah that's the stuff. The creepy fedora wearing Steve Buscemi stuff.


Headlines

The Copasetic Menagerie Of Dexterous Virtuosos Embark Upon An Untrodden Recording

I'm telling you this must be how The Mars Volta speak to each other. I've seen words that I didn't even know existed in their song titles. "Take The Veil Cerpin Taxt"? What the fuck does that mean?!!

Yes the good half of the remains of At The Drive-In (I tried but I'm sorry I can't fucking stand Sparta. Awful just awful) is releasing a new album. I like these guys, they're prog-tacular, and their albums usually sound unique and there's some really good musicianship on them. My problem though with them is that they do that spacey stuff WAAAAAY too much. I mean Frances The Mute was like 76 minutes long and at least 25-30 of those minutes is spent on static and random space sound effects. It's like great music and then all of a sudden "POW-PSSSSHHH-BOOP-BOOP-BOOP-PEW-PEW-PEW-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA". Seriously, cut that shit out. I get it's for ambience and all, but I don't need 30 minutes of ambience guys.

Their new album will be released on August 22nd and will called Amputechture (how do they come up with this stuff?! They must be amazing at word jumbles). The album like most of their albums will hover around the 76 minute mark with songs like "Tetragammaton" clocking in at 17 minutes long and other songs hitting the 11 minute mark at least. So if you're gonna listen to it, clear out a space in your day to do so.

Here's the tracklisting, see if you can make any sense of any of it:

"Vicarious Atonement"
"Tetragrammaton"
"Vermicide"
"Meccamputechture"
"Asilos Magdalena"
"Viscera Eyes"
"Day of the Baphomets"
"El Ciervo Vulnerado"

Yeah I got nothing too.

Cee-Lo Green Is The Soul Machine

The Danger Mouse produced juggernaut keeps on going. The insane duo have added more dates to their tour, which begs the question, how the hell do they afford all those costumes anyhow? And if they keep doing the dress up thing they're gonna run out of movies to dress up like. They're gonna have to start going as characters from Gosford Park or something. Here's the tour dates:

Have they done Batman and Robin yet? With the Joker on guitar, The Penguin on bass, Catwoman, Two-Face, and Scarecrow on backup vocals, and The Riddler on drums? I could see that:

07-05 London, England - Carling Hammersmith Apollo
07-08 Brugge, Belgium - Cactus Festival
07-18 San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore
07-19 San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore
07-20 Costa Mesa, CA - Pacific Amphitheatre
07-23 Los Angeles, CA - The Avalon
07-24 Los Angeles, CA - The Avalon
07-28 Yuzawa-machi, Japan - Naeba Ski Resort (Fuji Rock Festival)
08-02 Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
08-03 Chicago, IL - House of Blues (Private Q101 show)
08-05 Chicago, IL - Grant Park (Lollapalooza)
08-07 Detroit, MI - State Theater
08-11 Boston, MA - Avalon
08-12 Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory
08-17 New York, NY - Central Park Summerstage
08-26 Liverpool, England - Creamfields Festival
09-03 Stradbally, Ireland - Stradbally Hall (Electric Picnic Festival)
09-09 Toronto, Ontario - Toronto Islands Park
09-15 Austin, TX - Austin City Limits Festival
09-17 San Francisco, CA - Golden Gate Park Amphitheater
09-23 Baltimore, MD - Pimlico Race Course

Hey there's one in Toronto. But I'll probably be back in university by then. And I'm already strapped for cash. Shite.

First Prize, A Six Pack, A Carton Of Smokes And A $20 Gift Certificate At The Tim Horton's Of Your Choice

The nominees for Canada's Polaris Music Prize have been announced. The Polaris is kinda like the Mercury Music Prize in Britain or the Shortlist Award in the U.S. Although I guess that's the New Pantheon Award now. I don't know the whole deal behind that.

120 judges chose the albums they believed were the best ones released between July 1, 2005 and May 31, 2006. First prize is apparently $20,000. So at least one of these bands will be making some money for once (I kid I kid….I think at least).

The nominees are:

Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene (YAY!)
Cadence Weapon - Breaking Kayfabe
The Deadly Snakes – Porcella
Final Fantasy - He Poos Clouds (YAY!)
Sarah Harmer - I'm a Mountain
K'naan - The Dusty Foot Philosopher
Malajube - Trompe L'Oeil
Metric - Live It Out (YAY!)
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema (YAY!)
Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary (YAY!)

So I only care about 5 of these nominees. I liked Metric's new album but it got some bad reviews so I doubt it'll win. Wolf Parade was good but a lot of people are always talking about how it was mixed or edited badly or something and doesn't capture the energy their music usually has. Which, I'm not sure of, because I have no idea what they sounded like prior to this, but I'll say that's probably a strike against them.

So it's really a race between Final Fantasy, BSS, and The New Pornographers. I don't see Final Fantasy taking it though, it's probably the dark horse to win it. So I think it's either going to be BSS or The New Pornos. Place your bets now!

Where Is Your Mind?

Although I think I said it in the RAPIDFIRE!! a week or two ago, Frank Black has basically said that The Pixies will never record any new material ever again. Which is very, very sad since I love The Pixies. They were one of the first bands I discovered when I was in high school. When I heard they were getting back together for a tour I was hoping for new material, but alas, not to be. It's not like Kim Deal is doing anything lately with the Breeders, and all Frank Black does nowadays are those crappy little acoustic albums that no one likes. Oh well.

The band however will keep touring together. They're enjoying themselves out on the road and I guess it's nice to relive old glory. That's cool. At least there's a good chance I might get to see them in the future if they ever come to Canada.

And the relationship between Kim Deal and Frank Black is apparently much better now. They're even talking to each other. Awwww.


RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY!!

DMX was arrested and put in jail after failing to show up for a hearing regarding several traffic violations. Ok, that's it Earl. We get it, you're a big gangsta, you like drive fast with a gun and you don't need no motherfucking seatbelt. But you know what? I also get that you have an album coming out soonish. Oh yeah Earl, I'm onto you, you publicity machine you. "Oh, look at the criminal, that guy is street, and he has a new album? Well shit I gotta get that, his music must be hardcore." Well played Mr. Simmons, well played you magnificent fucktard.

Dallas Austin (STAMPEDE!) was sentenced to four years in a Dubai prison for possession of cocaine, and then miraculously pardoned a few hours later. Wonder how that came about? Bribery? That's my guess.

Speaking of hip hop stars being released from prison sentences, Lil' Kim was let out of prison after ten months in the hoosegow on good behaviour. Which basically means she finally got around to fucking everyone in the prison system. I think that was the sentence actually, either a year and a day or until she fucked everyone in the prison system. She could do that standing on her head. In fact most of the time she possibly did.

Will.I.Am is wanted for questioning for being involved in a nightclub fight that involved broken glass. I have so much hate for this man. Most of that stems from the awfulness that is the Black Eyed Peas but the rest stems from the incredibly stupid way he spells his name. Will.I.Am? God I hate that!

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are officially divorced. So yes teenage girls, it's ok for you put your posters of him on the wall. Of course you're going to end up taking them back down after he's washed up and irrelevant in a few months but whatever.

Man, poor RVD. Dude goes from double champion to losing both belts over the span of two days. I mean seriously, the guy was on the friggin' cover of High Times. We all knew he was gonna get busted eventually but right during his biggest push ever while holding two world titles for two promotions? Christ that's just bad timing.

Interpol is hard at work on their third album. Why is Carlos D so famous amongst the indie crowd? It's Carlos D this, and Carlos D that. He just looks like an emo'ed up cross between Joaquin Phoenix and Alan Cummings.

There's a band called Harry & The Potters and apparently they're touring libraries across the country. Yeah, that's definitely one band that's not gonna get laid.

Justin Timberlake told MTV that his new single sounds like David Bowie and David Byrne covering James Brown's "Sex Machine"…I'm in awe of how much hate I feel towards him for saying that. So, much, hate.

Jennifer Hudson, former American Idol finalist and upcoming star of the movie Dreamgirls has pushed back her solo album to 2007 so that she can film another movie. Apparently she wants to do a movie with Tyler Perry and Quentin Tarantino. Girl's got diverse tastes gotta give her that. Man, I've never seen an American Idol loser get this far in the business. The best I've seen so far is when that guy with the three names did that Nestea commercial. Jon Peter something? Ah who cares.

Metallica will appear on The Simpsons, which is appropriate because fans of each are still hoping for both to one day put out something as good as their older stuff.

The vocoder used on Kraftwerk's album Autobahn is up for sale on eBay. That may be one of the strangest pieces of memorabilia I've ever heard of.

I love CCR and all, but "Run Through The Jungle" and "Born On The Bayou" are the same song! Listen people!

And I kid, I still love The Simpsons. And so should you.


Billboard Top 20

What album did you buy to celebrate your independence?:

1. India.Arie, Testimony: Vol. 1 Life & Relationship – What the hell? This was popular enough to make number one? I didn't even know who this was until like last week. Wow, surprising.

2. Dashboard Confessional, Dusk & Summer – Especially surprising since I thought these guys had it in the bag since they were the biggest mainstream release this week. You guys got beat by India.Arie, you guys suck.

3. Nelly Furtado, Loose – Yes Nelly, whore yourself for your children's future! Whore away!

4. Dixie Chicks, Taking The Long Way – Something tells me that during a holiday season where a bunch of yeehaws and yahoos celebrate how much they love their country, a bunch of women who insult the president routinely probably didn't go over too well.

5. Rihanna, A Girl Like Me – I do not understand your appeal at all.

6. Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere – Damn, this thing is actually really starting to climb. It even outsold High School Musical! Come on Cee-Lo, get that number one album you deserve!

7. Rascal Flatts, Me And My Gang – Aww, and you were just out of the top ten last week. Just go away, for the love of God go away.

8. Busta Rhymes, The Big Bang – You were cooler when you had the dreadlocks.

9. Various Artists, High School Musical – God I hope everyone involved with this has a terrible time with puberty.

10. Various Artists, Cars Soundtrack – Probably my least favourite Pixar movie, but that means it's still better than 3/4 of everything else out there.

11. Yung Joc, New Joc City – I'm still not completely sure who this is. But I still hate him.

12. AFI, Decemberunderground – Not bunnies, anything but bunnies!

13. Shawnna, Block Music – Completely oblivious and apathetic to what this is.

14. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium – I still like it so nah.

15. Various Artists, NOW 21 – Will soon be obsolete.

16. Hank Williams Jr., That's How They Do It In Dixie: The Essential Collection – Not essential for me.

17. Panic! At The Disco, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out – Brandon Flowers is coming for ya boys! Put on your bulletproof mascara and get your circus freaks there's gonna be a rumble!

18. Corinne Railey Rae, Corinne Railey Rae – I'm not 100% sure how to pronounce any of those names.

19. The Pussycat Dolls, PCD – Beware the fembots.

20. Keane, Under The Iron Sea – Damn, from number 4 all the way down to number 20 after only 2 weeks? I guess that's what happens when everyone realizes how badly you guys suck all at the same time.


Important New Releases Of The Week

I haven't gotten around to listening to the new TV On The Radio and Muse discs yet, so this is all I listened to this week:


Also I should be doing an instalment of Now That's What 411 Calls Music soon so keep an eye out for that. Actually come to think of it I probably should get to work on that. Hmmm yeah. See ya next week folks.