The Savage Animal 01.10.07: Songs about Masturbation.

Posted by Mikey MiGo on 01.10.2007

In this edition of The Savage Animal Mikey MiGo explores his favorite songs about masturbation. This intriguing topic and much much more. Maybe that was one "much" too many, but still... Click Here!



A few years ago, I was trying to persuade a friend to ditch his classes as I wanted to ditch work. Granted it was the second day of the semester for him and I had to deal with some big shot clients, I was determined to get out of it. We argued back and forth about it until I had the best answer possible, "C'mon! It's JANUARY 10th!" January 10th had no special meaning at the time, but with my firm pushing of it is now an OFFICIAL HOLIDAY. Over the past few years January 10th had alcohol, drugs, and gambling. We're classy like that.

So I wasn't sure if I'd actually get this column out this week until I realized I have the power of the internet on my side. I'm not a news columnist so I really could start this a few days early and have it ready in time for the scheduled release date of JANUARY 10th! However, that just wasn't going to happen. Lots of randomness and lots of other projects raped my time from me. It doesn't matter though, I love you guys so I'm going to put out the best damn column in cyberspace this week.

With all going on, I actually missed all of RAW but the last ten or so minutes of it. What a difference a week makes. From the results and the little bit I saw it was as if RAW took three steps back as they've been taking small steps forward lately. To be fair I've not seen the entire show for myself to really complain about it and odds are I'd like the bizarre Rosie/Trump match. It just seems like the shit hit the fan when Paul Michael Levesque went down. See, I said his REAL name because I'm soooo "inside" with the business. Why the hell do result writers use real names for wrestling personalities when most of the readers only know them by their gimmick? And it's only the newer people too it seems. It's always "Eugene" Nick Dinsmore, Melina "Perez," Carlito "Colon," etc., etc., etc. It's never "Michael Shawn Hickenbottom" or "Mark Calaway." It's friggen lame.

My Chicago Bears has Seattle at home this weekend. We beat them once this season so it's a bit more assuring, but I'm not going to hold my breath. If we'd get past Seattle, I'm really worried about the Saints. They've been the bomb this year and could easily march their way into the Super Bowl. Still, I'm saying the Super Bowl will be The Bears vs. The Colts just because they're my local teams. Will that happen? Probably not, but you can't blame me for being optimistic.

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Mikey MiGo's
TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT MASTURBATION

You've done it, your parents have done it, your grandparents have done it, and your 3rd grade teacher definitely did it. Everyone does it. If they claim they don't they're liars. That's right, I'm getting taboo here and talking about masturbation. When I'm stumped for a good column topic I'll often tap into my excessive hard drive of music and listen for themes. Oddly enough the one that stood out this week was masturbation. You may not party like a rockstar, have rockstar money, or rockstar women, but apparently rockstars masturbate. That's one thing you can relate to them with.

Sure it's an odd topic to talk about and might make you feel a bit uncomfortable, but isn't that what you expect now when you read "The Savage Animal"? I hope so, because if not, you're not really reading these. So after a lot of consideration, I have put together my TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT MASTURBATION.


10.) "Masturbates" by Mindless Self Indulgence
411: This is one of those songs that only a Mindless fan would really appreciate. The vocals are very odd, but the lyrics are really what sets it off. For a track under three minutes long Jimmy Urine sure says "masturbates" a lot. For a list about masturbation, this is a swell way to kick it off.


9.) "AA XXX" by Peaches
411: All of Peaches' songs are sexual, vulgar, and full of insane goodness. The 80's techno feel only makes it a song you'd want to play over and over again, but the vocals and lyrics make you feel just a tad bit uncomfortable. See, "Double A" batteries go into "something" as she thinks of "XXX." If you hear the song, you'll left feeling a bit odd. Imagine hearing it and seeing it live. Yikes.


8.) "Go with the Flow" by Queens Of The Stone Age
411: I almost titled my second screenplay "Go with the Flow" so I listened to this track a lot in 2006. The music to this track is perfect and the vocals are what one comes to expect with the ever so talented Queens of The Stone Age. I guess if you think about the title of "Go with the Flow" enough you'll get what they were going for. Kick ass song. Nothing else to be said.


7.) "Thinking of You" by A Perfect Circle
411: A Perfect Circle was the first band I had ever seen live. It was right before the first album came out and I knew nothing about the music. This song specifically was the one that stood out to me that night even more so than Judith, Three Libras, and the slew of other tracks from that great LP.


6.) "Coin-Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls
411: I gotta go with the "A is for Accident" version because it's more vulgar. When dealing with songs about masturbation, I would think "more vulgar" is definitely the way to go. In this song Amanda Palmer sings about her perfect male, a coin operated one. I wasn't sure about this being that much on topic, but I've been told firmly that it is. So just on song quality alone, I put this at #6.


5.) "TwisT" by Nine Inch Nails
411: Unless you're a huge NIN mark, you probably haven't heard this one. It's a from the demo that later mostly turned into "Pretty Hate Machine." Most of the verses was used in Ringfinger and this demo track is just as good as the final version in my humble opinion. This makes the list because at the end of the song Trent Reznor reads what seems to be a letter talking about how "when I do it, I only think of you." If that's not a creepy letter, I dunno what is.


4.) "Capitol P" by Mindless Self Indulgence
411: Sure this track is under two minutes long, but most of MSI songs are. If a chorus is "You know I'm really horny. really horny. won't stop." is not the most forward part of the song then you're on to something. This gets such a high place on the list because the song is just awesome.


3.) "A.D.I.D.A.S." by Korn
411: When I was telling someone about this list before I put it together they questioned that if this song was just "dreaming about sex" or about masturbation. My response was that if you're thinking about sex that much you're bound to go through a few Kleenex. This strip club staple is a must have for this list. For a while there, when someone brought up the brand name "Adidas" one couldn't help but sing the song and giggle like a wee lad.


2.) "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
411: While it's sorta racist in terms of masturbation, it's still a very memorable song. The whole scenario of squinting your eyes while masturbation is uncomfortable to talk about, yet very entertaining.


1.) "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls
411: This song has a lot of history with me. When I was a teenager and new to indy wrestling there was one local wrester that used this for his entrance music. Awesome guy, but even better gimmick. The same guy was the first match for my first world champion as well. The opening build up to this song is awesome and the lyrics are very crude and very blunt. I can't think of any other Divinyls tracks, but this one is something I will never forget. I've heard a dark and gothy cover of it recently that was cool, but lacked the "oomph" of the original. Of all the songs on this list, you can question if the lyrics are metaphorical but not this one. That makes this my favorite song about this specific topic.



I know what you're thinking. "Oh no, he didn't!".

Yep. I did.

What are some of YOUR favorite songs about masturbation?

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READER FEEDBACK: Against The Grain.

Last week I played the Devils Advocate and got a lot off my chest about the current trends of music. Apparently, I'm not alone...

Hey Mikey

I just want to comment on your Metal Scene is Horrible. I agree with you. I'm a proud Metal fan and support it completly (I was blessed with Metal: A Headbanger's Journey for Christmas, Kick ASS!). But bands today like Atreyu, Lamb of God, Bury Your Dead...no. I don't want to hear you screaming growls about how daddy didn't hug you and how your life sucks. That's not to say I don't like all of them, Shadow's Fall is unique and awesome with there mixture clear good vocals and growls, they're actully better live then on the CD. And Mastodon was cleaver in doing an albume about the classic book Moby Dick, I love the line "White Whale, Holy Grail!"

Still though, it seems like this generation hasn't cought on. I mean Slipknot's famous for a reason, you can say what you want, them being a 9 peice band with unique outfits, masks, and music have made them stand out more then anyone. Honestly, I'd rather do a more of a Gimmick band, like Lordi, Gwar, or Battlelore (Lord of the Rings Metal, look into it, they rule). If you look and see a bunch of guys preaching usual stuff looking normal, you get bored, if you see someone in costumes doing Halloween or something kind of music, you can't help but look.

I think for that, it's also a reason why European metal is on the rise. Kamelot/Epica tour was a major success, and now Within Temptation is sighned and will be coming over soon, American's are seeing something new across the Atlantic and it's growing. I support that a %100, with luck we can get a rising of that here in the states as well.

Thanks man, Drew.

Thanks Drew. You and I are on the same exact page when it comes to metal. These new bands do not do anything to make themselves different from the others. It's sorta like emo. You hear it and may be able to pick out one part of the song to figure out who's ruining your ears, but it all sounds the same. Shadows Fall is one of those bands that actually has melody and Mastodon isn't my cup of tea, but I respect their creativity. Isn't that what music is supposed to be about creative expression?

*****

Hey man;
Read you new column, if you are looking for Metal bands that rise above the dread growl/harmonizing combo, just look at Into Eternity, I saw them at one of our local shows along with Matriarch out of Puerto Rico, and both bands clearly deserve more attention than they are getting. The metal scene hasn't died...it just went generic, if you look hard enough there still is some originality hiding in the underground.

Eric

Matriarch is awesome. Thanks for the heads up. I think I appreciate Myspace now because of this because I can be told about a band and easily find their music and page with one quick search. Matriarch surprised the hell out of me. I suggest others check them out as well.
Matriarch

Into Eternity is pretty damn cool too. Musically awesome, and vocals I can understand. They seem to blend classic metal with the newer style very well. They are the standard "T-shirt and Jeans" metal, but their music makes up for it. Another good heads up my friend. Check them out, folks.
Into Eternity

The metal scene has went generic. That's the best possible way to put it. But you are correct, if you look around you can find some creative and original bands out there. Lets just hope these bands make the rise so we can have a scene we can be proud of in the near future. Thanks man.

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MY SIRIUS RADIO REVIEW: IN 69 WORDS OR LESS
A friend of mine has Sirius in his car. If you're a fan of music it's seriously the way to go. All genres of music is covered and there's a lot more to enjoy like their "Raw Dog" Comedy station. I'm not on their payroll, but I really suggest giving it a shot if you have the extra $12.95 a month. I'm planning on it soon.



That's this week's column. Possible future topics could be sex, fisting, and children songs! I must now step away from the computer for a while and celebrate JANUARY 10th! Until then... Have a Great Week!