Sex, News, & Violins 01.24.07
Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 01.24.2007
Coachella, Coachella, COACHELLA! All the big news is about Coachella. Like for instance the reunion of two huge bands and a line up that's bound to fill even the most jaded of music fans' hearts with joy. If you buy me a ticket, I'll give you my dog! Deal?
Don't answer the door, because you ordered take out and Jack Bauer delivers. 30 minutes or less or else your beating is free. Man, you think your brother is bad, imagine being siblings with Jack Bauer. Makes a titty twister seem like a walk in the park in comparison doesn't it?
Headlines!!
I Would Kill For Tickets To This Show. Seriously, Get Me A Knife And I'll Get To Stabbing For Tickets
It's that time again, time for the best damn music festival ever: Coachella! And this year the lineup may be one of the best ever. There is some pretty big news coming out of Coachella at the moment. The first big announcement? RAGE AGAINST THE MUTHERFUCKIN' MACHINE LIVES!!! Yes, the majority of what is currently Audioslave will reunite with lead singer Zack de la Rocha to rock the shit out of Los Angeles and headline the event on April 29, the last day of Coachella.
But that's not the only band reuniting for Coachella. Noise rockers and former kings of the shoegaze scene The Jesus and Mary Chain will also be heading to California to reform and perform for the masses. These guys are so old school they don't even have a website. And I like to think I had something to do with this reunion, seeing as how I just picked up their album Psychocandy the other day. I believe it was my sudden interest in their music that convinced to get the band back together for the 21st century….Or it could just be a coincidence.
And that is of course not all. Also headlining the show are Bjork on April 27 and Red Hot Chili Peppers on April 28. Now is that not enough for you to freak out over yet? Well also playing are the following mostly awesome bands (the awesome being in bold):
The Arcade Fire, Interpol, Willie Nelson, the Roots, Manu Chao, the Decemberists, Arctic Monkeys, Sonic Youth, Air, a reunited Crowded House, Tiësto, Kings Of Leon, Jarvis Cocker, the Good, the Bad and the Queen, Lily Allen, Happy Mondays, Placebo, Hot Chip, Kaiser Chiefs (yes I like the Kaiser Chiefs. Guilty pleasure!), Travis, Klaxons, the Fratellis, the Kooks, Amy Winehouse, the Feeling, the New Pornographers, Ghostface Killah, Peter Bjorn & John, Junior Boys, Grizzly Bear, Girl Talk, Sparklehorse, Tapes 'n Tapes, the Rapture, DJ Shadow, Konono No. 1, LCD Soundsystem, Black Keys, Blonde Redhead, Peeping Tom, Rufus Wainwright, Explosions in the Sky, !!!, Lupe Fiasco, Stephen Marley feat Damien "Jr. Gong" Marley, Peaches, José González, Regina Spektor, CocoRosie, Cornelius, Pharoahe Monch, Roky Erickson, Soulwax, Tilly and the Wall, Andrew Bird, Gogol Bordello, Justice, MSTRKRFT, the Coup, CSS, Digitalism, Erol Alkan, Spank Rock, Tokyo Police Club, Felix Da Housecat, Richie Hawtin, Busdriver, Brother Ali and about a hundred dozen more to come even!
Phew, I need….To catch my breath after that. Basically people, if you're in a band right now and you're not playing at Coachella…You suck. Sorry.
Man this line up was tailor made for me! Arcade Fire AND The New Pornographers in the same place?! Even the bands I don't care for are at least interesting or worth a song or two! Seriously, I will do anything for a ticket to this show. I will cut off my left foot and mail it to you if that's what it takes. Or if not my foot then I will at least mail you someone else's left foot. I know a guy who buys and sells feet, shouldn't be a problem. God I need tickets to this.
We Need More Crazy Bands Headed By Strange Asian Women
Deerhoof's latest album Friend Opportunity has just come out this week, and is getting pretty good reviews. But will I be favourable towards it? We shall soon find out! To support the new album, the band will touring across North America and will do a few shows in the land of kangaroos.
Dates:
01-24 Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theatre #^
01-26 New York, NY - Irving Plaza ^
01-27 Chicago, IL - Metro ^
01-30 San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall ^&
02-01 Seattle, WA - Neumo's Crystal Ball Reading Room &@
02-02 Vancouver, British Columbia - Richard's On Richards &
02-03 Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom &@
02-04 Eugene, OR - W.O.W. Hall &
02-11 Washington, DC - Black Cat $
02-12 Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle $
02-13 Asheville NC - Grey Eagle $
02-14 Charleston, SC - Cumberland's $
02-15 Columbia, SC - Headliners $
02-16 Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbits ^$
02-17 Miami, FL - Poplife ^$
02-18 Tampa, FL - Crowbar ^$
02-19 Orlando, FL - The Social ^$
02-20 Gainesville, FL - Common Grounds ^$
02-21 Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club ^$
02-22 Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge ^$
02-23 Winston-Salem, NC - The Warehouse ^$
02-24 Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom $+
02-25 Baltimore, MD - Ottobar $+
03-02 San Diego, CA - The Epicentre %
03-03 Tucson, AZ - Club Congress %
03-04 Phoenix, AZ - Rhythm Room %
03-07 Oklahoma City, OK - Conservatory %
03-08 Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room %
03-09 Austin, TX - Emo's %!
03-10 Houston, TX - Numbers !
04-01 Perth, Australia - The Rosemount
04-03 Sydney, Australia - The Annandale
04-04 Brisbane, Australia - The Zoo
04-06 Sydney, Australia - Great Escape Festival
04-07 Melbourne, Australia - Corner Hotel
* with OOIOO
# with Hella
^ with Busdriver
& with Blackblack
@ with Leti Angel
$ with Harlem Shakes
+ with Flying
% with Macromantics
! with Star Death
RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY!!
Kanye West will apparently be releasing a single that he collaborated on with Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin. Normally I would make some sarcastic remark about how it will probably suck, but he managed to get a good song out of Adam Levine. So if he can get gold out of the guy from Maroon 5 then the guy from Coldplay should be a piece of cake.
Of course he's also remixing a song by Fallout Boy. Now THAT will suck.
Two tracks on Bjork's new album will be produced by Timbaland. Hmm, I'm not sure I can accept the idea of Bjork shaking her ass in a club. I don't even like the idea of Bjork having an ass. She should remain this asexual being, not go all Furtado on us. The concept is too bizarre!
Antony of Antony & The Johnsons will also appear on the new Bjork album….Antony scares the hell out of me.
Radiohead are back to work on their new album. So, continue drooling over that.
Lady Sovereign will open for Gwen Stefani. Remember when Lady Sovereign was cool? What happened to that?
Beyonce is in no way responsible for the success of Dreamgirls. And you just know it's driving her bat shit crazy.
LCD Soundsystem's frontman James Murphy is hoping that his next album will score number one on the billboard charts. Awww, and I bet he wants to be a astronaut too! Isn't that just precious?
Sean Paul is hoping to curb youth violence with his next album. His plan is to have teens around the world try to guess what the lyrics are in his songs. He figures by the time they finally figure out what the hell he's saying, they'll probably be adults. Thus ending youth violence, although contributing greatly to adult violence. So there's a downside.
JC Chasez says his next single is "about your girlfriend being knocked up by another man." Well JC, that's what you get for letting your woman hang around with Justin Timberlake. The guy can impregnate women with his eyes for god's sake! One stare, BOOM you're knocked up! No medical science can explain it.
Evanescence have posted new dates for their tour. Meanwhile, Lacuna Coil recently performed at a bar mitzvah. Life isn't fair sometimes.
+44 drummer Travis Barker had to leave their tour after reinjuring his broken arm….Hmm, maybe life is fair after all.
Paris Hilton plead no contest to her DUI charges. She will have to pay around $1000 in fines and attend an alcohol education class but aside from that she got off scot free. The best part is she didn't even show up to hear the news in court. At this point I don't see why she shouldn't just buy the legal system. Then she could put half the country in jail for not being hot or rich. Then only us, the elite members of society, shall remain! ALL HAIL THE NEW BREED OF CIVILIZATION UNDER THE WILL OF PARIS!!! APPLE-TINIS AND WINE COOLERS FOR EVERYONE!!!
Billboard Top 20
Ah, the old top 20. Haven't used this in a while. Let's see what albums you all bought last week shall we?
1. Various Artists, Dreamgirls Soundtrack – We're only a few months away from a former American Idol contestant being an Academy Award winner. Boggles the mind. Although it could get even weirder if the words "and the Oscar goes to…Eddie Murphy!" are uttered. I think that's the point where the world says "that's it! I'm done!" and implodes in on itself.
2. Akon, Konvicted – Improper spelling is gangsta.
3. Justin Timberlake, Futuresex/Lovesounds – Top selling album and he got to nail Cameron Diaz for the better part of the last two years. Not too shabby really.
4. Daughtry, Daughtry – This is seriously still here? Seriously? Huh, the power of Daughtry is stronger than I thought. Take that Jannine!!
5. Various Artists, Jump In! Soundtrack - …What the hell is Jump In!? This, cannot be good.
6. Beyonce, B'Day – Hey, you can still win an Oscar Beyonce. Just find a movie where you play a character who's a historical figure, a dead singer, a victim of abuse or someone who's sick or retarded. Then you can call that statue as good as yours. God bless the academy.
7. Various Artists, NOW 23 – Wow, now this is a real collection of crap. Any album that starts with a Fergie song and ends with a Kenny Chesney song can only be described as ear poison.
8. The Beatles, LOVE – Eh, critics like it. I still say it's a bunch of French dudes raping the corpses of John, George and Ringo (career wise).
9. Young Jeezy, The Inspiration – Inspiring driveby shootings across the globe. Bullets from Jesus!
10. Nickelback, All The Right Reasons – Out of all the Canadian musicians, THESE are the ones that you latch onto?!
11. Various Artists, Hanna Montana Soundtrack – Behold the beginnings of the mighty media empire of Billy Ray Cyrus!
12. Rascal Flatts, Me And My Gang – Man the top 20 sucks more than usual this week.
13. Carly Simon, Into The White – Boring but inoffensive.
14. Nas, Hip Hop Is Dead – Hmmm, might be good actually, haven't heard it.
15. Carrie Underwood, Some Hearts – Your goodwill from me is fading. Unless you embarrass another celebrity on television soon I don't see it lasting much longer.
16. Robin Thicke, The Evolution Of Robin Thicke – Um, did it have something to do with a monkey?
17. Nelly Furtado, Loose – Now imagine Bjork in this position….Freaky, no?
18. The Fray, How To Save A Life – Doubles as a defibrillator.
19. Il Divo, Sempre – One of the few non-American Idol successes of Simon Cowell.
20. Ciara, Ciara: The Evolution – Man, musicians these days are really excited about evolving…Doesn't show in their music though. ZING!
Important New Releases Of The Week…According To Me
I only checked out this album because the band's name reminded me of this ol' gem from The Muppet Show. Luckily there was a good album behind the funny name. So that was convenient. This is indie pop, and is arguably the first great album of 2007. It's also my first recommendation of 2007, so that's two honours it scores! Congratulations Menomena, you went from obscure to…slightly less obscure! Way to go!
To help whet your appetite for the new Bloc Party album I give you the first video from the album. Kele Okereke hangs out with friends on trains and gets into fights with ticket takers and changes shirts a whole bunch of times. He also goes a little emo on our asses in this video, with the longing stares and melodrama. Seems a little much for a video about trains. Still, it's a pretty good song and video and I'm definitely anticipating March. Arcade Fire and Bloc Party in the same month. That's gonna be sweet.
Support The Municipality!!
The 411music Top 5 is up this week, with the top 5 music documentaries. I would have contributed this week, but I haven't seen a single music documentary. Unless you count This Is Spinal Tap, which is stretching it a bit.
Shane Viers, who's been with the site for a while apparently, has a new column called The Greatest Bands You've Never Heard. This week is actually one of my favourite punk bands Tsunami Bomb. Actually I only found out through Shane's column that the band had broken up. That made me sad. Way to bum me out Shane!
Ian Wright talks about Radiohead. Because apparently he must like a song or two by them or something. I dunno.
IT'S OVER!!
Seriously people, GET ME TICKETS TO COACHELLA!! For God's sakes, I will give me my kidney. I will give you both kidneys! Do you need a kidney? Hell, do you already have two working kidneys? Because I'll give you one of mine and then you'd have three! Think how healthy you'd be with three kidneys! For only one measly ticket to Coachella, your three kidney dream can come true! Think about it, and I'll be here next week.
