Sex, News, & Violins 01.31.07
Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 01.31.2007
The Arcade Fire burn the house down in Europe, Modest Mouse finally tells us something about their upcoming album, more ass beatage from Yo La Tengo, Joanna Newsom likes koalas, and Mastodon stock up on freshly chilled goat's blood in their coolers. All this and Paris Hilton gone wild right here in the report!
Never trust a vacuum salesman.
That is all.
Headlines!
Thump That Bible, Thump It I Say!
What's this? Arcade Fire news? In my column? Well this is surely unexpected. The band has announced a bunch of new shows on their tour across the world where they will surely enchant and delight fans of all ages.
Of course posting these dates seems almost pointless considering how a majority of them are no doubt sold out, or at least close to it. But hey, maybe you'll luck out if you happen to be in Utrecht or Copenhagen. The band will also of course be at Coachella, which I will not be attending because life is unkind sometimes. They also may be playing at the Glastonbury festival in June, but that hasn't been confirmed for sure yet. But they probably will. Neon Bible is out on March 6, continue counting down the days.
Time to rock Belgium!:
01-29 London, England - St. John's Church, Smith Square
01-30 London, England - St. John's Church, Smith Square
01-31 London, England - St. John's Church, Smith Square
02-01 London, England - Porchester Hall
02-02 London, England - Porchester Hall
02-06 Montreal, Quebec - Ukrainian National Federation
02-07 Montreal, Quebec - Ukrainian National Federation
02-08 Montreal, Quebec - Ukrainian National Federation
02-09 Montreal, Quebec - Ukrainian National Federation
02-10 Montreal, Quebec - Ukrainian National Federation
02-13 New York, NY - Judson Memorial Church
02-14 New York, NY - Judson Memorial Church
02-15 New York, NY - Judson Memorial Church
02-16 New York, NY - Judson Memorial Church
02-17 New York, NY - Judson Memorial Church
03-05 Dublin, Ireland - Olympia
03-06 Dublin, Ireland - Olympia
03-08 Manchester, England - Apollo
03-09 Manchester, England - Apollo
03-11 Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowlands
03-12 Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowlands
03-14 London, England - Brixton Academy
03-15 London, England - Brixton Academy
03-16 London, England - Brixton Academy
03-17 London, England - Brixton Academy
03-19 Paris, France - Olympia
03-20 Paris, France - Olympia
03-23 Stockholm, Sweden - Circus
03-24 Oslo, Norway - Centrum Scene
03-25 Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega
03-27 Berlin, Germany - Postbahnhof
03-28 Munich, Germany - Elserhalle
03-31 Lyon, France - Transbordeur
04-01 Cologne, Germany - E-Live Music Hall
04-02 Utrecht, Netherlands - Vredenburg
04-04 Brussels, Belgium - Halles de Schaerbeek
04-05 Lille, France - L'Aeronef
04-28 Indio, CA - Empire Polo Field (Coachella)
06-22-24 Pilton, England - Glastonbury
I Certainly Hope It Wasn't The Good Ship Lollipop. Seeing The Sea Bloated Corpse Of Shirley Temple Would Make America Sad
After what seems like freakin' forever, the tracklist for Modest Mouse's upcoming Johnny Marr assisted album We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank has been released. The album hits stores on March 20. Here be the songs:
Tracklist:
01 March Into the Sea
02 Dashboard
03 Fire It Up
04 Florida
05 Parting of the Sensory
06 Missed the Boat
07 We've Got Everything
08 Fly Trapped in a Jar
09 Education
10 Little Motel
11 Steam Engenius
12 Spitting Venom
13 People As Places As People
14 Invisible
If like to buy your albums off of iTunes (then you're feeding the beast that is Steve Jobs. YOUR MONEY FEEDS HIS HUNGER!!), you can preorder the album anytime on or after January 30 (and since today is January 31, that means you can preorder now if you must). Doing so gets you a free download of their current single "Dashboard" and some behind the scenes footage of the album being made. Or you can go here and listen to "Dashboard" for free. It's a pretty good song, only you'd think with the combined efforts of Isaac Brock and Johnny Marr the music would be insane or depressing, yet this is rather tame and almost happy. It's still good, just a little weird.
The band also only have two dates set up for performances so far, but you can probably expect a full blown tour to be announced sometime in the upcoming weeks. Here's the current dates for Modest Mouse:
05-18-20 Minehead, England - ATP vs. the Fans
05-31 Barcelona, Spain - Primavera Sound
Ass Beatage Redux
Yes it's a Yo La Tengo story. Could you tell from the headline involving the words "ass" and "beat" used in conjunction with each other in some way? Because I am going to beat all the humour out of that title as long as I can.
Another they're going on yet another to support their album with the best title ever. So of course, here be the dates.
Beat Beat Beat, Ass Ass Ass, Etc. And So On:
01-31 Miami, FL - Studio A @
02-01 Tampa, FL - State Theater @
02-02 Jacksonville, FL - Florida Theater $
02-03 Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
02-05 Chapel Hill, NC - Cat's Cradle +
02-06 Chapel Hill, NC - Cat's Cradle |
02-08 Charlottesville, VA - Starr Hill Music Hall |
02-09 Baltimore, MD - Sonar |
02-10 Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero |
02-19 Tokyo, Japan - Shibuya O-East
02-20 Tokyo, Japan - Shibuya O-East
02-22 Nagoya, Japan - Nagoya Club Quattro
02-23 Osaka, Japan - Big Cat
02-24 Fukuoka, Japan - Drum Be-1
02-27 Perth, Australia - Amplifier Bar !
03-01 Sydney, Australia - Metro =
03-03 Brisbane, Australia - Laneway Festival
03-04 Sydney, Australia - Laneway Festival
03-06 Melbourne, Australia - Corner Hotel =
03-08 Adelaide, Australia - Fowlers Live -
03-10 Meredith, Australia - Golden Plains Festival
03-12 Singapore, Singapore - Concert Hall at Esplanade Theatres on the Bay (Mosaic Music Festival)
* with Antietam
# with Inconvenient Music
^ with Lambchop
% with Langtry
& with Sam Rivers
@ with Todd Barry
$ with Sun Ra Arkestra
+ with Portastatic
| with the Rosebuds
! with New Rules for Boats
= with David Kilgour
- with Clue to Kalo
Hey Jan!
Shout out to my homeboy in Australia Janos! Keeping it real amongst the sheep, the sheilas and the people who sleep with the sheilas and the sheep. Sometimes at the same time.
What this has to do with anything is that harpist extraordinaire Joanna Newsom is heading down under on her winter tour. Although it's summer in Australia right now. And I think it's fall in Japan, and dayslight savings in South Africa and I think France just got seven more weeks of winter after Bastille Day which actually comes a day earlier in Italy but a day later in Taiwan.
I never understood time zones.
Anyhow, here are the dates. So if you're not making eating kangaroo burgers or trying to hang out with Paul Hogan, you know where to go:
01-31 Bangalow, Australia - A&I Hall *
02-01 Brisbane, Australia - Tivoli
02-10 Christchurch, New Zealand - Harbourlights *
02-11 Wellington, New Zealand - Indigo *
02-12 Auckland, New Zealand - Houptoun Alpha *
02-16 Nagoya, Japan - Tokuzo
02-17 Osaka, Japan - Bridge
02-19 Kyoto, Japan - Arbanguild
02-21 Tokyo, Japan - Oumi-Gakudo
02-25 Tokyo, Japan - O-West
04-27-29 Somerset, England - Butlins Minehead (All Tomorrow's Parties)
* with Bill Callahan
I Want A Cysquatch As A Pet!
Mastodon have announced dates for their winter tour that goes right into March. So if you have a face that you're looking to have rocked off, this would be the perfect venue. They are touring with bands Priestess and Converge, who judging by their names I'm going to guess are a Lacuna Coil knock off and an Anthrax wannabe. Am I close? Probably not. I'm sure someone will let me know.
They also announced a summer festival date in Norway at Hovefestival. Who else will playing at that festival? Why none other than metal gods Slayer themselves. God bless Europe, where metal still thrives in the countries with the silly accents.
Flesh is indeed a tasty treat:
01-26 Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room *#
01-27 Lake Buena Vista, FL - House of Blues *#
01-28 St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing *#
01-30 Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar *#
01-31 Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club *#
02-01 Knoxville, TN - Blue Cat's *#
02-02 Nashville, TN - Rocketown *#
02-03 Sauget, IL - Pop's *#
02-05 Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue *#
02-07 Grand Rapids, MI - The Orbit Room *#
02-08 Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall *#
02-09 Pittsburgh, PA - Rex Theater *#
02-10 Sayreville, NJ - Starland Ballroom *#
02-13 Allentown, PA - Crocodile Rock *#
02-14 Rochester, NY - Water Street Music Hall *#
02-15 Clifton Park, NY - Northern Lights *#
02-16 New Haven, CT - Toad's Place *#
02-17 Washington, DC - 9:30 Club *#
02-18 Norfolk, VA - NorVa Theatre *#
02-20 Asheville, NC - Orange Peel *
02-21 Louisville, KY - Headliners *
02-22 Charlotte, NC - Amos' Southend *
02-23 Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle *
02-24 Atlanta, GA - Center Stage *
03-02 Belfast, Northern Ireland - Mandela Hall
03-03 Dublin, Ireland - Ambassador Theatre
03-05 Wolverhampton, England - Wulfrun Hall
03-06 Manchester, England - Academy 2
03-07 Glasgow, Scotland - ABC
03-09 Dubai, United Arab Emirates - Desert Rock Festival
03-11 Peterborough, England - The Solstice
03-12 Sheffield, England - Sheffield Corporation
03-13 Nottingham, England - Rock City
03-14 Portsmouth, England - Pyramid Centre
03-15 London, England - Mean Fiddler
06-29 Arendal, Norway - Hovefestival
* with Priestess
# with Converge
"So Fuckin' Party You Will Die"
Now that's the kind of description that gets a man excited. Hey, anyone remember a band called The Avalanches? They released an amazingly super awesome album in called Since I Left You back in 2001 and then disappeared off the face of the Earth? Ring a bell? Huh? No? Because they're back baby!
On the message board for the Avalanches, the band posted a message under the name "theavalanchesdotcom" and made the announcement that despite the complete lack of activity these past few years a new album is indeed being made. Although their way of saying so was a little weird. Here's the full message board post:
"abracadabra!
"happy new year yall. we've made a heap of mixes and stuff available while we finish the record. they wont give you a hint of the new albums magical sound unfortunately, but they will keep you pilgrims well nourished until the next harvest.
"its a really thrilling time for us right now as this record comes together, its so fuckin party you will die, much more hip hop than you might expect, and while there is still no accurate estimated time of arrival, were sure you're gonna love it when it arrives.
"much of last year was spent cutting up the spoken word/instructional records we need to tell the albums musical story, and we have some 40 odd songs we're narrowing down and finishing. so its real, it exists, and you know we wouldn't be serving anything up unless it was gonna give you that same special feeling that since has. funnily enough its ended up sounding like the next logical step to since, we just had to go around in a big circle to get back to where we belong.
"and one day when you least expect it you'll wake up and the sample fairy will have left it under your pillow.
"so big up to clint for all his work in making the downloads available for everyone to enjoy, and have a great oh seven."
So there you go, the best….Electronica sampling DJ thingie band ever are working on a new album. Unfortunately considering how the message ends with "have a great oh seven", it's probably safe to say that we shouldn't expect this to come out anytime this year. Hurry your ass up sample fairy!
Pretty Girls Make Graves Make Their Own Grave
The enjoyable little punk band Pretty Girls Make Graves are calling it quits. Drummer Nick Dewitt quit the band and after that things just kind of fell apart and that was the end of the band basically. Damn drummers, always ruining things for everyone.
The group posted this message on their website: ""We are sorry to announce that our upcoming tour in May will be our last. Nick quit the band and the rest of us feel like it wouldn't be right to continue on without him. The 5 of us feel very lucky to have met and worked with some truly amazing people over the years. Thank you all so much..."
The band hasn't listed all the dates for their last tour, the only known upcoming performances are May 13 at the Grog Shop in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, May 17 at Boston's Middle East, May 20 at the Black Cat in Washington, DC, and May 22 at the Earl in Atlanta, Georgia. Then they're all go their own ways and go start up other bands or go manage a record store somewhere. C'est la vie.
RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY
I typically try to start this section with the news bit that I either like the best or find the most hilarious. This week, we have a gem of a doosie of a big one. And it's about Paris Hilton.
Oh and it's good.
A while back it was reported that belongings of Paris Hilton were stolen. Turns out, that's not true. In fact, Paris didn't pay the monthly bills on a storage unit and thus her assets were seized. They were sold for $2775 to a porn broker (like a stock broker only with more dildos) named David Hans Schmidt who plans to auction off the goods for 20 million dollars. For an idea of how that auction will go, here's a preview.
But that's not all. Since Paris Hilton lost all rights to her goods the people who now own them are free to use them as they please. So how did they decide to use them?
By opening up a BIG OL' PARIS HILTON PORNO SITE!! YEE HAW!! That's right, for what is probably going to end up being a limited time, you can sign up to a website and see the queen of queefs in all her naked naughty glory. Didn't get enough from her sex tape? Too nightvision goggly for ya? Well we got videos of her out in the open spaces, fucking and sucking in broad daylight. Including one video where she and her billionaire friends snort a kilo of cocaine off of the chest of some guy! But that's not all, we got pictures, naked pictures! Pictures of her in the bathtub, pictures of her out of the shower, pictures of her flashing on a boat, all the dirty horrible pictures you can think of to undoubtedly scar your retinal tissue.
Of course that's not my favourite part. My favourite part is the diary entries. For instance, in a Paris Hilton diary, what would you expect to find? Writings about philosophy and the mysteries of life? Perhaps deep political discussions regarding the justification or execution of the war in Iraq? Or maybe a passage of her admitting she gave a guy herpes? Yes, that's right, Paris Hilton has herpes. That sound you hear is the sound of millions across the world gasping in shock.
Also included are pathetically sad love notes from Nick Carter, phone calls she recorded with Rick Solomon, the private phone numbers of celebrities like Donald Trump, Christina Aguilera, Pink, Madonna, Chelsea Clinton, Michael Jackson (pretend to be the Elephant Man coming back from the grave to reclaim his bones! He'll have nightmares for a week!), and even Governator Schwartzenegger and much MUCH more! That's Paris Exposed! Take the tour, sign up today!
Caution: Not liable for any potential blindness that may or may not occur upon viewing the material on this site. Diseases from Paris Hilton may be powerful enough to transport themselves through your computer and infect you. When viewing this site wear a condom or if possible an entire hazmat suit. Brain damage may occur after exposure to this website for longer than 3 minutes. Use responsibly.
Sigh, such a treasure trove of humiliation. Although, considering all the goodies that are here, I have a sneaking suspicion that Paris is somehow behind all of this in order to get even more famous. I mean one sex tape made her a household name, maybe in her head a whole website filled to the brim with her darkest secrets may make her the next Marilyn Monroe.
Still, I have to congratulate you Paris, you have officially sunk lower than Britney Spears. At least until Britney does something else stupid. But until then, way to go kiddo. You deserve it.
And now, the other news:
It's officially official people, The Police are for super sure reuniting. Apparently 2007 is the year of reunions of super awesome bands. Their first performance together in nearly 20 years will be on February 11, at the 2007 Grammy Awards Show. So yes, this means we actually have a reason to watch the Grammys this year.
Brian Eno will be producing the next Coldplay album. Apparently Eno says they're trying not to sound like the Talking Heads. Brian, Coldplay couldn't possibly try any harder to not sound like the Talking Heads. What they need to do is to stop sounding like a pussified U2.
The Smashing Pumpkins have announced their first reunion shows. And by Smashing Pumpkins I mean Billy Corgan and some other guys. They should have just reunited Zwan.
Tom Waits settled a lawsuit against Adam Opel AG and ad agency McCann Erickson Germany for using a Tom Waits sound-a-like in a car commercial. What is this like the ninth lawsuit that Tom Waits have won? Seriously he's good at this suing thing, he could quit making music and just sue people full time.
Of course Tom Waits has enough money as it is, so he shall donate the proceeds of the settlement to an undisclosed charity. Another reason why Tom Waits is cooler than any of us.
Katharine McPhee has shot footage for her first video, and she says the ending of the video will voted on and chosen by her, ugh, "McPhans". Doesn't even come close to comparing to "Soul Patrol". And she wonders why a gray haired mentally ill man beat her, she can't even come with cool fan names. No wonder your parents hate you! Call me.
An superbowl ad when Kevin Federline plays a burger flipper is actually offending people who are burger flippers. Wow, we've almost reached a point where I pity K-Fed. We're not there yet but it's certainly approaching that level. Sad.
Fallout Boy to promote their heinous crime against humanity…I mean new album, will play three shows in three different cities in one day. Pussies, Jay-Z played like 10 tens in 10 different in one day. This is why he's the head of a major hip hop and nailing Beyonce, and you're touring with Panic! At The Disco. You guys almost ruined vampires for me! And I love vampires! I CURSE YOU ALL!!
Young Buck was arrested this past Friday, most likely because he's a rapper. I think they just took out the middle man and made that an actual crime now.
Jared Leto has explained to reporters his reasons for avoiding Lindsay Lohan on the set of the movie Chapter 27. Strangely, the reason of "I was afraid of catching whatever Paris Hilton gave her" was not among them.
OMD or Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark are coming out with a new album. Thus even further proving my theory that this decade is just the 80's all over again, only with better cell phones.
Kelly Osbourne was turned down by Playboy. I doubt the validity of this item as news, seems more like common sense.
R. Kelly is recording a new album. Damn, time to put shower caps on the children again.
Brandy may be charged with manslaughter for her involvement in a fatal car crash. Poor Brandy, she probably wakes up every morning wishing this was just a bad Moesha episode. Of course every episode of Moesha was bad. Brandy can't win.
And finally and of course, Pete Doherty has checked back into rehab. And he brought Kate Moss along with him! Awww, the couple that relapses together, stays together.
Billboard Top 20
1. Daughtry, Daughtry – HAH!! See that Jannine?!! That's what Daughtry's done! Fantasia ain't never had a number one record! I told you time would tell who would be more successful and time has told in my favour! WHOO!!! So called it! Ah, good times, good times.
2. Various Artists, Dreamgirls Soundtrack – Jennifer Hudson, Oscar winner…Man, that is going to take some getting used to.
3. Various Artists, Jump In! Soundtrack – No, I do not want to jump in.
4. Corinne Bailey Rae, Corinne Bailey Rae – Uninteresting enough for me to not care about it, but decent enough for me to not mind it when I hear it. So it's a wash.
5. Akon, Konvicted – IT'S SPELLED WITH A C YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
6. Justin Timberlake, Futuresex/Lovesounds – Considering how worn down Cameron Diaz has been looking lately I'm sure he's glad to be making the futuresex and lovesounds elsewhere.
7. Various Artists, NOW 23 – You basically lose an IQ point for each song you listen to on here. People wonder why kids are so stupid these days.
8. Nickelback, All The Right Reasons – See what I said for NOW 23.
9. Carrie Underwood, Some Hearts – Dammit, go make Faith Hill cry! Go! Now!
10. Beyonce, B'Day – No Beyonce, two Grammys and a People's Choice Award isn't the same as one Oscar no matter how much you try to tell yourself that.
11. Various Artists, Hanna Montana Soundtrack - ….It is so wrong that I find Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter kind of hot….Unclean….
12. Nelly Furtado, Loose – And she's the host of this year's Juno awards! What are the Juno Awards? Why they're the retarded Canadian cousin of the Grammys!...So yay!
13. Rascall Flatts, Me And Gang – See what I said about Nickelback.
14. Young Jeezy, The Inspiration – I want to see more rappers with names like Old Jeezy or Old Buck. Hell if you have to gangsta it up you spell it Ol' Buck. See? That's perfectly acceptable gangsta.
15. The Beatles, Love – I hope Ringo is getting some of the profits from this. The rent on his studio apartment is due soon.
16. Robin Thicke, The Evolution Of Robin Thicke – Robin is a girl's name nancy boy.
17. Fergie, The Dutchess – See what I said about Rascal Flatts. Seriously, albums like these are basically musical brain damage. And I use the term "musical" loosely.
18. Ciara, Ciara: The Evolution – So what, can you stop time or fly or anything? If not your evolution is lame.
19. Mary J. Blige, Reflections (A Retrospective) – I choose not to be a retrospectator.
20. Carly Simon, Into The White – And it ends not with a bang, but with a very long yawn.
Important New Releases Of The Week….According To Me
Is it better than Chutes Too Narrow or Oh Inverted World? No. Is it still a good album full of wistful and charming indie pop? Yes siree. So while it may not change your life forever, it's still a pretty great album which is all that counts. Also, I just discovered these guys are from New Mexico. All this time I had assumed they were British. That was a shocker.
Surprisingly, this album came out of nowhere to become the current best album of 2007. Of course, considering we're only now heading into February that's not really saying much at all. It's basically crazy glam pop performed by a crazy glam pop group. It's also a breakup album, which is really strange because it's so happy and danceable. So if you're feeling bad about how things ended with your ex, buy this album and dance the blues away. It's weird, it's crazy and it's hella fun. Do people still say hella? Eh, I'll leave it in here.
Seriously whoever is the art or history teacher that put together this school play is a freakin' genius. I mean, if this was real it would be the coolest school play in the world. What's more fun than seeing little children fight with swords or pretend to be dying, cannibalistic pioneers or being burned at the stake?
Just a fantastic video all around. And big props to those child actors, those kids got the "staring up at the sky emotionally" look down pat. Awesome.
Support The Municipality
Yet another edition of 411music's Top Five is up. And I helped! This week is the top five cover songs. Some of the ones I wished I hadn't forgotten are Talking Heads' "Take Me To The River", Cradle Of Filth's "Hallowed Be Thy Name", Echo & The Bunnymen's "People Are Strange", pretty much every 80's cover by Marilyn Manson, that whole covers album by Rage Against The Machine, and of course the Spiderman theme by The Ramones. Good stuff.
Ian Wright really likes The Hold Steady's latest album. Me too! Although I think I liked The Shins' newest a bit more than he did. Seriously, how can those guys not be British?
Also new to the zone is Fact Or Fiction, this week features 411music headmasters Mitch Michaels and the Berryman himself Brian Berry. I have to say though, on the issue of the iPhone becoming as popular as the iPod being fiction? I don't know, you put a lower case "i" in front of almost anything these days and it usually sells like hotcakes. The next logical step? iCars. You heard it here first people.
You got questions,Mitch Michaels got answers! Unfortunately he is not a ninja….That I know of. I liked Tenacious D's new album, although I downloaded it. The songs are good, but a CD that barely makes it over half an hour for a movie soundtrack just isn't worth the money. Hopefully they're someday record an actual new album. Don't leave us hanging Jables, don't leave us hanging.
IT'S OVER!!
Ah, nothing like finishing up a nice meaty column. Phil Watts our resident loop digger should be in tomorrow. Until next week, this Jamie Buttineau saying that while the idea of seeing Paris Hilton's snatch may seem like a good one in theory, just remember not to stare directly at it. I hear, when you stare directly at Paris Hilton's vagina, all your worst horrors manifest themselves into existence and piece by piece slowly dissemble your reality until your very soul and you as a living creature cease to be….So keep that in mind when you're looking at her fun factory. See ya!
