411 Music Fact Or Fiction: Week 7

Posted by Mitch Michaels on 03.27.2007

Stephen Mogan and Deniz Kuypers talk about the next R.E.M. album, Stevie Wonder’s legal woes, OzzFest and more!

Welcome all to the seventh edition of the 411 Music Zone's Fact Or Fiction. Each week, two writers will be given statements regarding hot, up-to-the-minute music news and make a case as to whether that statement is fact or complete and utter bullshit (ie, fiction). And, just for the fuck of it, I'll be here to tally up how many times the writers agree. Got it?

This week, it's another epic battle, as 411 newcomer and wreckage sifter Deniz "Boots Of Spanish Leather Up Your Ass" Kuypers takes on returning columnist and ticket-taker at the Indie Theater, Stephen "So Hardcore I Don't Need An R" Mogan.

Here we go…

1. With their Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame induction press and the help of producer Jacknife Lee, the next R.E.M. album will at the very least sell better than Around The Sun.

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. How could it not?? Around the Sun was a god-awful Trail of Tears of a record. Don't get me wrong: I love R.E.M. I happen to be of the opinion that the departure of drummer Bill Berry did not permanently damage the R.E.M. line-up. Drummers aren't what make a band. If they were, there'd be Air Drumming Championships and we'd all be wearing t-shirts not of Jimmy Page or Jimi Hendrix but of Will Champion. (What, you don't know who that is? 'nough said.) Keith Moon is famous because he died and John Bonham is famous because, well, he died. Up, R.E.M.'s first without Berry, is a great record. But to get back to the question whether the follow-up to Around the Sun will sell better—they say, when you're at the bottom there's only one way to go and that is up.

Stephen Mogan: FACT. I'll agree with Deniz here since I don't have a fucking clue about R.E.M.'s album sales, nor do I give a shit. (Ed. Note: R.E.M.'s last album barely sold over 260,000 copies, in case you do give a shit.) Jacknife Lee, however, I am familiar with and I'm frankly gutted that he's continuing his descent from exciting house DJ to boring rock producer with this lot. If it sounds anything like U2's last effort then it will probably sell a gazillion copies, R.E.M. can front a trendy ad campaign despite having the combined age of a medieval castle and everyone will rejoice. Then Mick Jones can produce Fergie's next album and the world will spin off its axis, thus ending the madness.

Score: This one (for 1) goes out to the one I love

2. Signing Paul McCartney could make the new Starbucks label, Hear Music, a major player.

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. This has "trick question" written all over it. For although McCartney is a big name, how many records does he really sell? Most of his post-Beatles stuff clogs up sales and clearance bins across the nation. I admit his latest disc had some nice tunes on it, but most of his output over the last three decades can be summed up - in terms of awfulness - by his duet with Michael Jackson: it just doesn't work. It's all too sweetsie, too hokey. Try to name to name one post-Beatles McCartney song in five seconds, excluding the aforementioned racially aware psuedo-Band Aid (minus the Band, or the Aid) duet and his one or two hits with Wings. See - didn't think you could do it. But we all know of his break-up from wife Heather Mills (funnily enough, her missing leg is more prominent in articles about McCartney than the man's music) and that he's been losing his mind in the media for the last three years or so. And since gossip-makes-famous (that, and his recent tours have been raking in a lot of money), my guess is McCartney can still sell quite a few records. Will it make Hear Music a major player? Who knows? Starbucks' appeal and influence are stronger than one would think. Like Oprah's 1980s, the coffee chain's relatively short rise to the top was only foreplay. Next is world domination. And who better to have on your side than the always-surprised-looking Sir Paul?

Stephen Mogan: FACT. Anyone who can rake in almost $100 million in a single year from album sales and touring isn't exactly struggling to shift units. Starbucks is the overarching, Orwellian sentinel of modern society anyway, so it only makes sense that they're selling CDs. Pretty soon we'll be buying everything we need from them, and taking it all home in giant, over-sized cups with handles. Look at it this way: they're making this a success one way or another. They simply have too much money and too many resources at their disposal. With or without Paul, this is happening. With him, however, you can look forward to lots of old people clogging up the queue next time you stop off for a cup of Joe. Oh and don't forget "The Frog Song", unless that counts a duet with a cartoon bear.

Score: McCartney II (for 2)

3. It's kind of sad to see that Ben Folds has been reduced to opening for John Mayer.

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. Why is it sad? I'm not that up-to-date when it comes to teenage heartthrobs but my guess is John Mayer sells more records than Ben Folds. Maybe I'm just not hip enough, but I actually don't know a single Ben Folds song whereas I can hum along to quite a few John Mayer tunes. Plus, who's got the hotter girlfriend? Does Ben Folds even have a girlfriend? I've always thought of him as a slightly more annoying version of Dave Matthews who plays piano instead of guitar. Maybe I'm completely wrong. And I'm not saying that if I don't know a singer it means that most people in this country wouldn't know him, but hey, 411 is asking me for my opinion. So why exactly would it be sad that Ben Folds is opening for John Mayer? Like Sundance Head did with Sanjaya: sometimes you just have to bow to the person who gets more votes.

Stephen Mogan: FACT. You had to bring up that weird-looking, no-talent creep didn't you, Deniz? (No, not Dave Matthews; Sanjaya). Sundance, we'll never forget you bro. I could give a shit who opens up for who out of these two to be perfectly honest. If David Bowie can support Nirvana, then anything's possible I suppose. If I was a Ben Folds fan, I'd be pretty hacked off that he was reduced to this, so I'm going with fact. On the bright side, he could probably make the entire audience shit their pants and have to go home before Mayer gets on stage as some form of perverse revenge (I love Wikipedia).

Score: One angry dwarf and two (for 3) hundred solemn faces are you.

INXS says SWITCH!

4. Having already announced he'll be dipping into the Soundgarden catalogue, it'd be good to hear Chris Cornell also singing some Audioslave tracks on his upcoming summer tour.

Stephen Mogan: FICTION. On the one hand, I wanted to say fact because Cornell was a major part of what made Audioslave's best work great and it's probably what the fans going to these gigs will be expecting. On the other, doing both Audioslave and Soundgarden material might make it look as though he was short on ideas. Rage sure as hell aren't going to be doing any new material at their gigs this summer, but they can get away with this due to the nostalgia factor. Unless he manages to pull of a Soundgarden reunion, Cornell won't be able to. If he's is seriously going to launch himself as a solo artist, he needs to stay away from the Audioslave material until he's established a solo reputation, or risk looking as though he's trying to trade on former glories. In a couple of years the Audioslave stuff will be something new he can throw in to keep things interesting, plus isn't getting to hear some Soundgarden enough for this tour?

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. In order to not come across as a spin-off of himself, Cornell should stick with his solo material. It's always kind of sad to see an artist go solo and end up playing watered-down versions of his better-known work just with different musicians. Can a band's oeuvre really survive the break-up of said band? Is it really the song that matters rather than the person(s) playing it? I think not. Imagine Dolly Parton singing "Stairway to Heaven." Oh wait, she did sing that recently. Well, imagine Robert Plant singing "Jolene." In Cornell's case it makes sense to throw in some Soundgarden songs. That band's been broken up for almost a decade now. Playing some oldies-but-goodies will be a nice teaser for people to check out the new material. And it will satisfy that one jerk in the audience who came for the one Cornell song he knows, "Black Hole Sun"! Duuuuude!"

Score: We were three (for 4)/Kevin's mom made four

5. Bands like Hatebreed and Lordi being announced as two of the "major" acts for this year's OzzFest is a bad sign for the free event.

Stephen Mogan: FACT. The mere fact that Lordi won a pop event like the "Eurovision Song Contest" shows that they shouldn't be anywhere near OzzfFest. In front of a hardcore audience, they're likely to go down like a lead balloon. The question is what sort of audience will the free OzzFest attract this year? (A cheap one, probably).

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. Hold up. I first need to get into the mindset of OzzFest being a good thing in the first place. Angry, overweight musicians and angry, overweight kids getting drunk and revelling in their ungodly unhappiness. Yeah, it isn't easy, but I can see how that might draw a crowd. I have to confess, however, that I am unfamiliar with the music of both Hatebreed and Lordi. Here's why. Lordi is Finnish, they wear monster costumes on stage, and they won the 2006 Eurovision Song Festival. Oh, and there's the name of course. Perhaps Lordi means something awesome in Finland. If so, the band should have stayed in Finland. If not, well, oh lordy. And Hatebreed - let's put it like this. Search for them on Wikipedia, and you will find that "Hatebreed currently plays in C tuning." If Wikipedia couldn't even find anything remotely interesting to report about this band, then how could I? So is it a bad sign that these two bands will be playing at this year's OzzFest? Hell yeah, but probably for completely different reasons than the question supposes. (Ed. Note: By denying Hatebreed's awesomeness, you just made former editor Brandon Ratliff cry)

Score: Ooh whoa hey spasmodic eighty four (for 5) electric dinosaur desperado vampire

6. The guy who is suing Stevie Wonder for firing him from his radio station and has further alleged that Wonder calling a woman at night on her cell phone was "sexual harassment" is a big fucking baby.

Stephen Mogan: FICTION. Hmmmm... I dunno, $3.5 million sounds awful high. Plus, if these allegations are true, then you'd think some of the "victims" of this sexual harassment would have come forward by now, unless Stevie paid them off (in which case, this guy would have been paid off too instead of fired, right?). I can't say for sure since neither the station nor the man himself has commented on exactly WHY he was let go, but this whole thing certainly is fishy. A baby? Maybe not. A money-grabber? Most probably.

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. So here's the breakdown: man feels his colleagues are engaging in illegal activities, goes to his boss to rat on them, then stirs things up a little more by accusing the Big Boss of sexual harassment, and eventually finds himself fired. Sounds like a Martin Scorsese movie waiting to be made. Of course he's a big baby. How can he be a sales manager and get paid $175K per year and not know that the people below him might be finding creative ways to also earn a buck? When I worked at Pottery Barn and my manager made five times as much (which still would only have been some $50 per day, I kid you not) for doing about a quarter of the work I did, I would've loved to charge customers for fabric samples and for making me feel that the essence of life really boiled down to whether a denim sofa was too risqué nowadays. (It never was risqué, of course; it was always just kinda dumb.) Tell me, since when is calling a woman at night necessarily sexual harassment? What decade do we live in? Are women supposed to turn off their phones at seven o'clock, just when the cheap calling rates go into effect? Who'd man the sex lines ("man" being the key word here)? I'd like to see that law be put into effect. See how well it goes over. Come on, Stevie has written some fine tunes. Plus he's blind. Give him a break.

Final Score: Stevie Wonder had thirty-four (for 6) singles reach the Top 10 in the US and UK. None of them had lyrics containing the word "four".

It was a tough one this week, it really was. Both guys really brought their A game. Unfortunately, Deniz lost a LOT of points for the use of the ultra-gay term "sweetsie". Mogan, in turn, was disqualified for his shout-out to Sundance Head. Sundance sucked, dude. "Jeremy's donut/Is past tense".

And for that AWESOME play on the "Jeremy" lyrics combined with Sundance Head's weight issues, that make the winner this week the one and only Mitch Michaels!

Thanks to Deniz, Stephen and YOU, John Q. IWon'tPayForOzzFest for dropping by this week. Be on the lookout for more Music Fact Or Fiction!