411 Music Fact Or Fiction: Week 18

Posted by Mitch Michaels on 06.28.2007

Deniz Kuypers and Jamie Buttineau talk summer festivals, the hatred of James Blunt, Amy Winehouse’s success and more!

Welcome all to the barely legal eighteenth edition of the 411 Music Zone's Fact Or Fiction. Each week, two writers will be given statements regarding hot, up-to-the-minute music news and make a case as to whether that statement is fact or complete and utter bullshit (ie, fiction). And, just for the fuck of it, I'll be here to tally up how many times the writers agree. Got it?

It's a main event quality match-up this week, as Sexy Newsy Violinist, Jamie "The Corgan Crusher" Buttineau takes on music reviewer and your tour guide through really good bad albums, Deniz "The Z" Kuypers.

Here we go…

1. Kelly Clarkson will bounce back from her recent tour cancellation.

Jamie Buttineau: FACT. This one is hard to predict. Clarkson right now is one of the bigger names in pop music, probably up there with your Aguileras, your Simpsons, or even (sadly) your Pussycat Dolls and Fergies. She's also the first American Idol and her songs are actually not too bad for pop songs. Nothing I listen to on purpose, but, if it comes on the radio, I'm not too bored or disgusted. However, a tour cancellation doesn't really look good on a pop star's resume. Tour cancellations say that you couldn't get enough people to go see your concert and, if they won't come see you live, why would they buy your albums? But again, her last albums have sold pretty well and she seems to be well liked since she's not your stereotypical pop star. And no matter how much Clive Davis wants her head as a trophy above his fireplace, I think due to Clarkson's playtime on MTV, her reality show winner status, and the fact that she's one of the less annoying, less slutty, and more wholesome pop stars out there means she'll in all likelihood bounce back from this bump in the road. Either that or her new album will sell worse than Taylor Hicks' album did, she'll gain 50 pounds, get addicted to heroin and murder a mailman. Who knows really?

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. Sure she will. There are artists out there who've had worse things happen to them. Some people marry one-legged models, lose arms, overdose on stage and they still keep going. Hell, Elvis died and yet he's still touring the world with a live band. Clarkson is one of the leading pop stars of the moment and, contrary to many ProTools-reliant artists out there, she can actually carry a melody. Her songs are decent. I hear she got a lot of credit for standing up to Clive Davis recently. And she's healthy-looking—and I mean that in the best, literal sense; in other words, she's not unnaturally skinny. So I wonder what the reason is behind the cancellation. Is it really true she didn't sell enough tickets? Are people holding out for Britney's proper comeback tour? (I am - sorry Kelly.) Whatever the reason, Kelly is as good a pop star as they come and I'm sure her career will survive this little setback.

Score: One (for 1) Minute

2. Bonnaroo has become the premier festival of the summer.

Jamie Buttineau: FICTION. Bonnaroo is ONE of the premier festivals of the summer. But THE premier festival? That's questionable. There are several festivals every summer that could be considered to be in the running for the title of the premier summer festival. For example, The Virgin Festival has a lineup of The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, Beastie Boys, Modest Mouse, Interpol, LCD Soundsystem, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, TV On The Radio, Spoon and Regina Spektor among many others, which is a pretty badass selection of artists. Pretty much any festival that has the reunited lineup of The Police can be considered a big deal, and it also has the reunited Smashing Pumpkins, even if that's only just really the Billy Corgan & The Drummer Show. So Bonnaroo is one of the more important summer festivals, but the most important summer festival? I say nope.

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. I have to agree it's probably not the premier festival. Are we talking about the US alone? ‘Cause in Europe they have the awesome Roskilde and Glastonbury festivals. That being said, Bonnaroo's lineup does look pretty orgasmic: Wilco, The Flaming Lips, The White Stripes, Spoon. But Lollapalooza has the uber live band of the moment, My Morning Jacket (in my very humble, but nevertheless correct opinion, that is), plus Modest Mouse, Iggy and the Stooges, Sparklehorse, Yo La Tengo, Apostle of Hustle (one of my favorite little-known bands - check them out!), and - well, the list goes on. Jamie already listed some bands that are playing at the Virgin Festival. So really, there's a ton of cool festivals out there. Every year it's the same: the lineups are mostly identical, so what it comes down to is how close you live to which festival, how many miles you're willing to travel, and how many hippies you're willing to spend your weekend with.

Score: Planning everything for two (for 2)/Doing everything with you/And now that we're through/I just don't know what to do

3. After all the delays, Chamillionaire's new album will bomb if and when it ever comes out.

Jamie Buttineau: FICTION. A delayed album - for certain artists that's a bad thing. For Chamillionaire, however, I think that may be a good thing. It brings up the anticipation level for his fans. I mean look at Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury - that was delayed over and over again for years. By the time it came out, even I had to check it out. Luckily that turned out to be a great album, something I'm not sure Chamillionaire can pull off. But quality doesn't have much to do with record sales. After all, he is the guy who practically ruled the hip hop world with that damned "Ridin'" song. I heard that being played in my dorm room over and over for an entire year. Plus, "Weird Al" parodied it and that's the ultimate sign of popularity as far as I'm concerned. According to Wikipedia, his album has sold more than 4.4 million albums worldwide. If his next album does even a quarter of that it'd probably be a success. Either way though, "Weird Al"'s "White & Nerdy" is still ten times better than the original song. Don't deny it, you know this to be true.

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. And why is this statement false? Because people can do the strangest thing and their crap will still sell. I'm somehow reminded of these people who list sandwiches with the image of Christ or cups of water Elvis supposedly drank from forty years ago on eBay. Some of the MTV's "Real World" people actually got a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. Stephen King once said that he could publish his grocery list and people would still buy it. See, you don't need to be a Robert Mitchum or Humphrey Bogart any longer to be loved and adored. So I don't think Chamillionaire's new album will bomb. Jamie's right: postponing the release of Chamillionaire's record will raise expectations, which might work in his favor. Of course, it could be a bad thing, too. Anyone hear those new Guns N' Roses tracks? They suck, don't they? If you ask me, I don't really chamilliocare. Maybe selling as much records as he did is a tiresome affair. Or maybe he got tired of begging his agent to get him on MTV "Cribs" and he wanted to chachillionaire for a chamilliowhile. Who knows? As for me, I'm not holding my breath for this one.

Score: Air-condition on my wrist, I stay with Freon sleeves/Ya stay on D, like defenders durin' three (for 3)-on-three's/My momma moved out the hood to a 5 bedroom home/Rasaq moved off to solo and got a lil' crib of his own

INXS says SWITCH!

4. The second James Blunt album will prove he's not a one-hit wonder.

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. It's strangely mysterious to me that this arrogant Brit with a voice that's the high-pitched equivalent of the Crash Test Dummies' Brad Roberts and is equally as annoying is popular to begin with. Chalk it up to the Money Makes ‘Em Hot principle. I remember first seeing his "You're Beautiful" video being played over and over again on VH1 and thinking, "There is absolutely nothing interesting about yet another ugly Brit singing yet another cringe-inducingly sincere love song." My dislike for James Blunt (or Blount, how is name is originally spelled) knows no boundaries. First off, he's signed to Custard Records, which is run by Linda Perry who, with her band the 4 Non Blondes, wrote one of the most nails-on-blackboard type hippie-lesbian anthems of the 90's. Blunt apparently recorded his first record in L.A. while staying at Carrie Fisher's place - how random is that? And his name was entered into the Dictionary of Cockney rhyming slang as a reference to his favorite part of the female body (his words, not mine). Alright, so those last two facts are actually kind of cool in a very uncool way. And so is the fact that he used to be in the army and not in an "I-was-shot-nine-times-and-lived" sort of way - he reportedly served in Kosovo when all hell broke loose there several years ago. (Ed. Note: What are you, his fucking A&E Biographer?) (But who knows? Maybe he was merely in charge of cleaning the latrines, meanwhile trying to come up with some deep lyrics like "But it's time to face the truth / I will never be with you.") So the real reason for my dislike is the fact that his songs are so utterly annoying and mediocre. Does Blunt actually qualify as a one hit wonder in the first place? Didn't he have a minor hit with some other crappy song recently? Where have the days of the real one-hit wonder gone? It seems that nowadays everyone who has a hit single is immediately rich and famous and all the subsequent crap they release becomes a hit as well. The guy is so arrogant without any real musical skills to show for it. Why are we even talking about him?

Jamie Buttineau: FICTION. Ah, James Blunt. The man who thinks deep lyrics amount to "you're beautiful" being said about a hundred times. The man is indeed a one hit wonder, although not in the sense of him having one hit. It's in the sense that people will always connect him to "You're Beautiful", and nothing he will do will ever shake off the stigma of being the writer of that song. That's a one-hit wonder to me, someone who will never be able to top their best song. In all likelihood his next album will be released, probably wind up in the top ten album sales and then quickly plummet off the list once people realize that the album is quite bad. At least I hope that's what happens. God I hate that song.

Score: Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for (for 4) me.

5. Prince's live show won't translate well into his upcoming seven-date stretch at the 200-person capacity Hollywood Roosevelt.

Deniz Kuypers: FICTION. The reason being… Oh, there are many reasons. I've never been an admirer of his music, and that's a painfully big understatement considering the fact that hearing his music actually gives me the willies (to compare, James Blunt's music is just plain annoying. I can't point that out often enough). Prince has always struck me as dirty. Not sensual or sexual but just plain dirty in a very unpleasant, uncomfortable way. It's something about how he looks: he has that skinny, vaguely exotic 15-year-old kid look, one who proudly shows off the slightly darkened peachy fuzz on his upper lip while desperately trying to hang with the big boys. Now, I know that in a musical sense, Prince is one of the big boys himself, but his freaky little yelps and his all-round sleaziness have always been too much for me to bear. Back to the matter at hand. I don't know how well his live shows will translate into a small club setting. Such challenge can be disastrous for some artists, but it can also bring out a newfound inspiration in others. The focus will have to be on the songs rather than the show. If Dylan one day decides to tone things down and play a 200-person venue, I'll be first in line. In Prince's case, I'll pass.

Jamie Buttineau: FICTION. He's Prince! He can do anything! Whether it's a 200 person venue, or the Superbowl, he's Prince and he will rock your face off. I have no doubt that Prince will be perfectly fine playing in a small venue. The question is, will the audience there ever be able to recover from being hit with such a tremendous amount of awesomeness in such a small space? I don't think they will, I don't think they ever will.

Score: Prince has a million hits with numbers in the titles, but nothing I could find used five (for 5)

6. Amy Winehouse is this year's biggest breakout star.

Deniz Kuypers: FACT. If only my opinion were this nation's standard, albeit for just one day. Who comes up with a statement like "Amy Winehouse is this year's biggest breakout star"? (Ed. Note: Me, fucker.) Winehouse definitely strikes me as an overbearing, somewhat intimidating sort of lady, but I'm guessing that's not how this statement wants to be interpreted. Winehouse is largely a stranger to me. But she does make very unusual, old-timey, Shirley Bassey-style music and I applaud anyone who steers away from radio-ready pop or mindless dance remixes of said radio-ready pop songs and manages to be successful. So sure, why not? Amy Winehouse is this year's biggest breakout star. Though Jordin Sparks is pretty big too, but in a different sense.

Jamie Buttineau: FACT. Hmmm, I wanna say that there are other people who would be in contention for the biggest breakout star. Modest Mouse, Arcade Fire, The Shins, Feist and LCD Soundsystem have all had a pretty good year in terms of mainstream exposure and record sales, not to mention heaps and heaps of positive critical response. And Jordin Sparks and most of the other contestants on "American Idol" this season all had a good year, although they probably won't release albums until next year. So, going in terms of record sales, critical response and mainstream exposure I have to declare Amy Winehouse and her beehive of doom this year's biggest breakout star thus far. Besides, at least she's doing something unique…Even if she is basically just ripping off the Motown sound of the old days. But no one's using that sound right now anyway, so technically, it's unique.

Final Score: Perfect score! Six (for 6)! I now pronounce you Deniz & Jamie

Crazy week this week. Jamie wins points for mentioning "White & Nerdy", as well as making me laugh with the statement that Prince "will rock your face off." Still, he loses points for not wanting to jump on the "Kelly Clarkson is doomed" bandwagon I'm on lately. Deniz made me skin-crawlingly happy by talking about Prince's creepiness, but, dude, for somebody that hates James Blunt, you sure know a lot about him. (GAAAY!) That makes the winner, who else? MITCH FUCKING MICHAELS

Thanks to Jamie, Deniz and YOU, John Q. IWantAPrivatePrinceShow for dropping by this week. Be on the lookout for more Music Fact Or Fiction!