Sex, News & Violins 07.25.07
Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 07.25.2007
Swedish pop stars, super tours, forgotten fast food mascots, and DUIs! And the only place to get them all is in this here column.
Column # 59 baby! WHOO! Man, I can just churn these things out. So whose ready for their weekly dosage of hilarity?...Well, probably just the three of you who read this thing regularly.
No wait, I'm being told now…Yes….Yes, indeed, my readership has gone up to a staggering 4 people! Jamiemania is building up steam and ready to catch fire! HUZZAH!
Coming To You Live From A Series Of Tubes
James Brown, "Brother Rapp/Ain't It Funky Now"
Live from Paris, Texas. 1971
Man, I wish I had known sooner about the awesomeness of James Brown, then I could have seen him live before he died. This is just a badass performance, with James Brown getting down and funky with his bad self. If my legs had half the funkiness of James Brown's legs I would be set for life. The video is a little awful, but considering how this is a recording from the early 70's I think this is about as good as you could have hoped for. Check it out.
Ray Charles, "Ring Of Fire"
Live from The Johnny Cash Show, September 23, 1970.
The theme is apparently awesome deceased musicians. I also didn't realize that Johnny Cash had his own show once, the things you learn. This is Ray Charles performing a cover of Cash's song "Ring Of Fire", transforming it into a soulful R&B concoction. And as usual, he's awesome in all his fidgety piana-playin' glory.
Headlines!!
Oh Jens, You're So Swedish
God is probably a kickass barber.
Ah Jens Lekman, one of the many weird yet wonderful things that have come from Sweden. I'm not even sure how to classify his music. I guess the best description I can give is that he's like Beck if Beck was always mildy bummed and his music was even more eclectic if that's possible.
He's now getting ready to release his third album Night Falls Over Kortedala on September 5 in Scandinavia, and October 9 in North America. Tracklist time!
Night Falls Over Kortedala Tracklist:
01 And I Remember Every Kiss
02 Sipping On the Sweet Nectar
03 The Opposite of Hallelujah
04 A Postcard to Nina
05 Into Eternity
06 I'm Leaving You Because I Don't Love You
07 If I Could Cry (It Would Feel Like This)
08 Your Arms Around Me
09 Shirin
10 It Was a Strange Time in My Life
11 Kanske Ar Jag Kar I Dig
12 Friday Night at the Drive-In Bingo
He'll also have a single for the song "Friday Night At The Drive In Bingo" (they have drive in bingos?) out digitally on July 31. And if that isn't enough Lekman for ya, he'll also be on an EP of Arthur Russell covers called Four Songs By Arthur Russell, with Vera November (Verity Sussman of Electriclane), Taken By Trees (otherwise known as Victoria Bergsman, or perhaps even better known as the chick that sings in the Peter, Bjorn & John song "Young Folks"), and Joel Gibb. That comes out in August. As for a tour, there's not much in terms of a North American tour, but I would expect that change soonish.
08-13 Gothenburg, Sweden - Cafe Publik *
08-14 Varberg, Sweden - Majas *
08-17 Stockholm, Sweden - Tradgarden * (DJ set)
08-18 Arhus, Denmark - Pop Revo 07
08-20 Stockholm, Sweden - Stockholmsterassen !
09-14 Bergen, Norway - Phonofestivalen
09-15 Olso, Norway - John Dee
09-16 Salisbury, England - End of the Road Festival
11-02 Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium
* with Guy Blackman
! with Joel Gibb, Victoria Bergsman, Verity Sussman
Tidbit Of Coolness
The Arcade Fire/LCD Soundsystem supertour added one more date. It's on October 6 at Randall's Park in New York, New York. Apparently that is an unpleasant place. That is all.
Huh, surprisingly not a lot of news this week. Eh, it happens.
RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY!!
So, Lindsay Lohan got a DUI this week. At what point does a celebrity become a parody of themselves? Because getting a DUI after years of bad press as a party girl, having fellow celebrities tell her to smarten her act up (hell, Tina Fey did it on the air!), numerous car accidents and mishaps, and the fact that mere weeks ago she was photographed passed out in the front seat of a car whilst piss drunk. Oh yeah, and she just got out of rehab. For the 2nd time. Oh yeah, and she had cocaine in her possession. Oh yeah yeah, she also was driving on a suspended license. Seriously, is she trying to put me out of business?! The only way she could stoop lower is if she starting smoking crack, and I wouldn't rule that out. I'm telling you, it's going to be a close race between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Hilton (with Amy Winehouse as a dark horse to take it) to see who takes the award for "the Biggest Fuckup of 2007". The "Britney Spears of 2006" of 2007 if you weeeell.
Oh just for fun, how bout a mugshot?:
Ah Lindsay Lohan, if it wasn't for a talent scout what glorious white trash you could have been.
Speaking of Paris, she's apparently doing another album because she's still working under the illusion that she's a musician. Hopefully Prince will verbally bitch slap her credibility onstage again. Thank God for Prince.
In other Paris related news, in something that strangely completely slipped past my radar for some reason, the cover for the "Tarantula" single off of the latest Smashing Pumpkins album features Paris Hilton holding a blackberry in front of a mushroom cloud.
Yeah, that's the cover. Surreal. Corgan had this to say about the horrible horrible thing that this is:
Actually the original idea was we were gonna see if Lindsey, Britney and Paris would all shoot. But ultimately we decided that that was probably gonna be too prohibitive 'cause then you would get into, like, those girls fighting amongst each other. Paris I knew personally, and hung out with her a few times, and so I asked her. I said, 'Would you be willing to do this?' And God bless her, she came, she showed up at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, sat in the chair, got made up and shot her. So anybody who thinks that those aren't real photos, those are real. We took those photos.
So, either this is all an elaborate stunt done to drum up controversy for the Smashing Pumpkin's incredibly lackluster new album, which is stupid because even if it's meant to be ironic or satirical I doubt Smashing Pumpkins fans are going to want to buy a single with Paris' picture on it or Corgan is even more of a sellout then I had originally imagined, so much so that he's hanging out with Paris Hilton, eating caviar and laughing at the poor. Either way though, it just means that Billy Corgan is indeed a douchebag. You know where to send the hate mail.
Oh, and just to let you all know my stance on eating caviar and laughing at the poor, I am fully and firmly against it, unless I happen to be the one doing so. Those are the beliefs I was raised with.
And of course we need to talk about the possible dark house to win fuckup of the year, Amy Winehouse. What wonderful calamity did our favourite scary, alcoholic, self-mutilating, and most likely psychotic ladything do this week? Why she freaked the fuck out onstage at a gig in Cornwall, England. Let's see how good a freakout Amy can throw. Reports say that after two songs she dashed offstage, when she returned she began slapping herself in the face and hitting herself in the head with the microphone, then she forgot the lyrics to her songs and began mumbling random obscenities, then she spat on the crowd and to top off the night she dropped the mic halfway through her last song and walked off stage….I think it's officially ok to say that this bitch be crazy.
I personally expect her, in her next interview with whomever dare talk to her, to say that the whole incident was misconstrued, and that people just don't understand her and she's not there to please the public. Then she'll chop off her right hand, stab the interviewer in the eye with a homemade shiv, and say "I'm not here to be a beauty queen! I'm a singer! I write songs to express my hatred for my parents who I keep handcuffed in my basement! People live in my head and tell me to do things! I bath in the blood of kittens to keep the elves from stealing my shoes! I'm a haberdasher! GWAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!"
People want her to go into rehab or get psychiatric help but she seems to be in a constant state of denial. Which shouldn't surprise anyone really, she did write a song about people trying to send her to rehab and her saying no no no after all. The signs were there people!
Recently Kelly Clarkson issued an apology to Clive Davis over their brief feud and there it is ladies and gentlemen! The knockout punch is thrown! Clarkson is down for the count and your winner and still champeen, Cliiiiiiiiiiiive Daaaaaaavis. Well, it was a good fight, better luck next time Kelly.
Brooks & Dunn are making a new album. Something tells me that at least one of them will wear a cowboy hat on the album cover. It's just a hunch.
According to recent reports, Pete Doherty is in rehab and after breaking up with Kate Moss is homeless and living in caravans and garages…Yupp, that sounds about right actually.
Apparently Jennifer Lopez made a movie with her current husband Marc Anthony. Wow, if she didn't learn a lesson after Gigli, then she will never ever learn a lesson.
Also, JLo and MAn (hey, that's, actually not as ridiculous as I was hoping it would be. Huh, disappointing) may tour together in the fall. Months upon months spent on the road with Jennifer Lopez….If the marriage survives that then Marc is a very strong man.
Lil' Wayne was arrested on gun charges. Well there's nothing special about th…Wait, Ja Rule was arrested too! Hey, it's a twofer! Alright, that's a new one. Maybe next week we'll get three! Huh, it's almost like a game of jacks.
Apparently New Order is planning on continuing without the involvement of Peter Hook. Couldn't they just come with a new Nazi related band name like they did the last time one of their band members left ("left" being an understatement of course).
Korn may do a whole album of covers. This is giving me flashbacks to Limp Bizkit's "Faith" and "Behind Blue Eyes" covers. And by flashbacks I mean horrible seizures and night terrors that usually have me waking up with blood coming out of my ears.
Kanye West is going to release his album on the same day as 50 Cent's album, meaning the two rappers will be going head to head. Well, somebody's getting shot.
In surprisingly awesome news, the Emmy Awards have nominated the Justin Timberlake/Andy Samberg joint "Dick In A Box" for "Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics". I wonder how good of a president Timberlake will be…Oh yeah you laugh now, but wait a couple of years people, just a couple of years.
Robert Smith may collaborate with Ashlee Simpson. Why do older artists feel such a strong need to destroy every last shred of their credibility?
The Postal Service will most likely not have a new album out this year. Ben Gibbard enjoys making you sad.
Bryan Adams apparently doesn't have a US label. Ah, learned your lesson now didn't you?
Heather Mills has turned down Paul McCartney's divorce settlement of $41 million. Man, the sex must have been really horrible.
McDonalds is apparently planning on holding their own music festival. You may think that McDonalds wouldn't be able to throw a good music festival, but then, you have to take a look at their past work:
You give me Mac Tonight playing on a cloud in front of a giant clock and I'm buying whatever you're selling.
Mindy McCready was arrested on assault charges….Who?
Deryck Whibley (who spells "Derek" like that? Jackoff) the lead singer of Sum 41 was nearly deported back to Canada because of a song bashing President Bush. Of course, the song also included lyrics about blowing off the president's head, so he's lucky he's not in Guantanamo doing the naked two step with his fellow inmates.
It's nice to see us Canadians threatening the lives of world leaders though. I think it's a trend that should continue, makes us look tougher than usual. So watch out who ever is in charge of the Falkland Islands! Canada has its eyes on you!
Billboard Top 20
1. T.I., T.I. VS. T.I.P. – So many abbreviations. That is a gross overuse of the period T.I.!
2. The Smashing Pumpkins, Zeitgeist – Sigh, you win this round Corgan…You douchebag.
3. Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana 2 Soundtrack/Meet Miley Cyrus – Well it was nice of Billy Ray to sell his soul in order to help his daughter's career. It's not often these days you see a father willing to rot in hell so his daughter can be rich and famous. He's a good man.
4. Interpol, Our Love To Admire – I just got it so I've yet to really listen to it. Although the general consensus is that it's more of the same old same old from Banks and the gang. But we'll see I suppose.
5. Kelly Clarkson, My December – Eh, she's still selling records, so maybe Clive will be merciful…For now.
6. Bon Jovi, Lost Highway –
7. Linkin Park, Minutes To Midnight – My theory on this, is that people enjoy hurting their ears. It's the only logical explanation.
8. Fergie, The Dutchess – Further backing up my theory.
9. Amy Winehouse, Back To Black – You don't understand her! She drinks peppermint tea so William Hartnell doesn't rise from the grave! Her hair is made of Boron! She licks construction equipment for good luck! GWAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!
10. Spoon, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga – Always enjoy seeing a good album crack the list, although usually it's only for a brief moment. But it's nice while it lasts.
11. The White Stripes, Icky Thump – Still consistently churning out great albums.
12. Nickelback, All The Right Reasons – WHY THE HELL DOES THIS KEEP POPPING UP?!! Seriously, what is the fucking appeal here?! This stuff was old five years ago, and yet they keep putting out albums and people keep buying them! This stymies me! I am stymied!
13. Kelly Rowland, Ms. Kelly – Well, she's doing better than Farrah Franklin.
14. Brad Paisley, 5th Gear – Cars don't have five gears!....Or do they? Hell, I don't watch Nascar, you tell me.
15. Aly & AJ, Insomniatic – Hey, you know what could cure your insomnia? Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.
16. Maroon 5, It Won't Be Soon Before Long – I hate you Adam Levine, and no future cameos on a Kanye West album will ever change that.
17. T-Pain, Epiphany – An epiphany involves someone coming to an realization of something or reaching a point of enlightenment. I don't see anyone named T-Pain having an epiphany.
18. Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad – Umbrella-ella-ella is hella hella hella annoying.
19. Velvet Revolver, Libertad – Viva la Slash!
20. Various Artists, Hairspray Soundtrack – Sorry, give it all the positive reviews you want, it still has Travolta in drag. No sale.
Important New Releases Of The Week….According To Me
GYPSIES!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! The gypsy punks have released another album, and surprisingly it's actually quite good. Very good even, perhaps even better than Gypsy Punks Underdog World Strike, their breakout album. I had assumed they would simply release music that would seem like a retread of their past work, but instead they seem to have expanded on their insane gypsy sound and it's fantastic. They manage to combine punk, reggae, ska, and Russian folk music into one complete package that's definitely worth checking out. Go appease the gypsies and buy it today!
Support The Municipality!
Ian Wright likes The Wrens and doesn't know who Tonic is. And neither do I. Seriously, I hate to incur the wraith of Mitch Michaels who the crap are they?
Fact or Fiction has Ian Wright and Dan Marsicano fighting for the big prize. Seriously though, who the fuck is Tonic?
And of course, our Top 100 Albums List continues onward with 90-81. Fantastic.
