Adventures in Elysian Fields 09.12.07: Out On Parole (Time To Flip)
Posted by MSD on 09.12.2007
In what could possibly be MSD's LAST column ever we drop jewels, bash fools and crush your momma too. Celebrity Rap Superstar, Kid Rock VS. Tommy Lee, UFC 75, Foxy Brown meets OZ and important steps on how to pass a piss test. Step inside the cipher and breathe deep!
He reached for his pistol, but it was just a waste
Cuz my 9 millimeter was up against his face
He pulled his pistol anyway, and I filled him full of lead
But just before he fell to the ground, this is what I said…
* Boogie Down Productions - "9mm Goes Bang"
It's that season again. Hunting season.
Ashish put the call out for fresh blood and I'm the muthaphuckkin great white. Great white devourer with the gray-white powder. You see me come in the dance with a spliff of sensi. Down with the sound called MSD. If you want to join the team, boy you must see me. You can't sound like Blender or the punks at IP.
Lurking in the bowels of 411Music since the summer of '04, I'm like a muthaphuckkin grandfather to you. In the day of disposable art, microwavable newjacks and split second attention spans I've stood the test of time. To put it in perspective, most of these new applicants were probably still in Junior High when I started burning spliffs in the 411 lobby. So let me tell you one thing, with all seniority and sincerity – stay the fuck out my space.
You see I just came to express one thing. I am a teacher, while others are kings. If that's the title they earned, then it's well deserved. But without a crown, see I still burn. The King of 411Mania said "411 is a springboard to writing books and establishing yourself in the entertainment industry". I say 411Mania IS the muthaphuckkin board. Where else can you keep it underground in a place that sees more world wide hits than a BangBus tour? One of the few places left in the world that still exhibits independent thinking and definitely the last American bastion of anonymity. Whether its blasting International politics or trying to pick up underage girls (you sick fucks), this is the biggest stage of them all. The internet - a place where the written word travels at the speed of thought. And 411Mania is the king of the jungle.
This is coming from the only writer who keeps a pen name for felonious capers. The only guy on parole for delinquency. A long time ago I promised I would tell you why I hate you so much. Well now seems to be a good time as ever. My love/hate relationship with the internet boils down to simple jealousy issues. I envy you. I envy your time management and nifty new devices. I strive for the time like I struggle to make the next dime. I wish more than anything I could spend all day in front of the computer like the rest of you phuckkin scrams. Carefree. For most of my tenure here, I bootlegged it from public library to public library never stopping twice to sign a different alias. Now I finally got my own joint and a new pad, but I gotta work 80 hour weeks to keep it. If I had a mommy or a daddy paying my rent I'd be straight too. So keep the disposable columns you cut-n-paste from the main page, we keep it fresh like flowers at a wake. It's easy to come with a new piece every week when it only contains 10% original material. So take heed and study at the altars of those who actually write columns. They are the ones who should be truly celebrated. But above all else be UNIQUE. And punctual. But as is often the case here in ELYSIAN FIELDS, "punctuality" and "pothead" are complete oxymorons.
So here I am on probation cuz my bombs drop randomly. Even with all these new writers over the last three years, I still ain't seen one that can breathe the same air as me (*cough cough*). Talk about movies, play video games or recap every episode of Sienfield if you want. But get your damn hands off the mic that I'm choking. Cuz I got a stranglehold. You can cut-n-paste their names and column titles and still wouldn't spot a difference. But every ADVENTURE in ELYSIAN FIELDS is UNIQUE. Ain't nobody holding it down for Hip Hop on 411 like the muthaphuckkin MadStepDad. I got an army of bums with bombs and handguns. Ban me if you dare. Let it be quoted; so let it be smoked. That also goes for anybody else who wants to throw a hissy fit cuz I drop unexpectedly like bird shit (man up, bitches). Even if you're on my own team.
Which reminds me – fuck any G.O.A.T. list that doesn't include Hip Hop in its Top Twenty. If this is gonna be my last column, let it be heard. I don't care how far back your history of music goes. I don't care whether it's banging on rocks or listening to Bach. If you ain't got rap in the Top Twenty you do not have a Top Twenty list. Period.
Enough of the chest pounding, bring on the music.
ENLIGHTMENT FOR THE MASSES Why We Need CELEBRITY RAP SUPERSTAR
I'm a self styled Hip Hop purist. A hardcore connoisseur and mad archivist. Naturally you'd expect me to ruthlessly eviscerate such menial, trivial MTV pop fodder. A cheap contest show cash-in complete with weak premise, rehashed concepts and an E-List celebrity cast. Celebrity Rap Superstar is a total affront to any self respecting Hip Hop traditionalist. Yet I still love it.
I think Hip Hop needs a show like this. Beneath the gaudy, bright commercialized glare of the MTV spotlight lies a deeper overstanding. I remember when people said rap was a fad, and anybody could do it. "They're just talking over a beat!" they said. "I could do that shit! It takes no talent!" Well the Celebrity Rap Superstar cast has no talent. But they have clearly showed the world this is no "simple" art form! Rare are the chosen few who can master the art of MCing. It takes a great combination of things that the average man (or woman) cannot channel. Confidence, creativity, intelligence, rage. So while some will say this show is offensive to the dignity of Hip Hop, I say it's entertaining and informative. It makes you realize how personalized and individual (dare I say UNIQUE) this art form is. But most of all its high level of difficulty.
1st EPISODE RECAP contestants paired with 8 rap mentors, with songs already chosen for them to recite at the premier
Perez Hilton (Tone Loc) – "Right Thurr" by Chingy
Jamal Anderson (Redman) – "Big Things Poppin" by T.I.
Kendra Wilkinson (Too $hort) – "Candy" by Foxy Brown
Jason Wahler (Bubba Sparxxx) – "Ridin Dirty" by Chamillionaire WORST of the NIGHT
Shar Jackson (MC Lyte) – "Tambourine" Eve 2nd BEST of the NIGHT
Countess Vaughn (Warren G) – "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama
Sebastian Bach (Kurupt) – "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" by LL Cool J. BEST of the NIGHT
Efren Ramirez aka "Pedro" (Bizarre from D12) – "In da Club" by 50 Cent 2nd WORST of the NIGHT
2nd EPISODE RECAP 3 "safe performers" (one pick each from the judges at the end of last weeks show) perform first – one contestant will be eliminated and the final 4 will perform last. All songs chosen by the contestants
Sebastian Bach (Kurupt) – Dr. Dre's verse from "California Love" (over album version instrumental)
Shar Jackson (MC Lyte) – "My Name Is" by Eminem (complete with "I didn't know silicone could be so soft!" freestyle flair) BEST of the NIGHT
Perez Hilton (Tone Loc) – "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West
Countess Vaughn (Warren G) - "This is Why I'm Hot" by Mims
Kendra Wilkinson (Too $hort) – "Me Myself & I" by De La Soul(!!!)
Jason Wahler (Bubba Sparxxx) – "Goin Back To Cali" by LL Cool J, produced by Rick Rubin
Finally, Jamal Anderson the football player (with rap mentor Redman) is voted off. Too bad says Redman, cuz they had a big surprise planned for their performance tonight. But Jamal interrupts him to say he' STILL gonna make it rain – then tosses $1 bills into the crowd (who politely clap). Must have been planning to perform "Make It Rain" by Weezy and Fat Joe.
Efren Ramirez aka "Pedro" (Bizarre from D12) – "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill (last and WORST of the NIGHT)
CELEBRITY RAP SUPERSTAR MSD's final thoughts Kevin Hart hosts the show in the tradition of Ryan Seacrest (or Bill Bellamy on this season of Last Comic Standing). 8 minor celebrities were contracted and paired with 8 celebrity "rap mentors". While I hardly knew any of the actual "celebrities", I know the mentors very well. Old school veteran Tone Loc returns from exile, in one last gasp at cultural relevancy (along with da Brat and DMC who share judging duties). Bubba Sparxxx represents for the white rappers, MC Lyte for the ladies and Redman woofs it up for the smokers. Bizarre brings showercaps and Eminem references, while Too $hort, Kurupt and Warren G put it down for the Westside. Pretty cool list if you ask me.
On the first episode each celebrity was surprised by a song choice from the shows creators, and forced to memorize and perform it in front of a polite, MTV friendly crowd. Without exception, they all faltered. Each performance was short enough to be painless, while still being embarrassingly entertaining. Jason Wahler (one of the no name celebrities) completely mangles Chamillionaire's "Ridin Dirty", not remembering a single syllable and babbling in gibberish. Hugh Hefner was in the audience to watch his girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson (appropriately teamed with Too $hort, the phuckkin skank) bobble the words to Foxy Brown's "Candy". She looked cute as hell, and had a few hot stripper moves. But her voice was flat, annoying and completely without rhythm. The dude who rocked it the hardest was actually Skid Row alumni Sebastion Bach, not surprisingly. He teamed with Kurupt to bring us "Mama Said Knock You Out", and LL Cool J's rhymes meshed perfectly with Bach's rock-n-roll howl. K-Fed's black bitch Shar Jackson got live with Lyte as she spit a verse from Eve's "Tambourine". Line of the night goes to Da Brat who exclaimed "you're kids are watching at home saying "at least ONE of my parents can rap!". Internet nerd Perez Hilton and the guy who played "Pedro" in Napolean Dynamite were the worst of the night. The judges politely danced around this fact in every post performance summary, but they could have just easily said "you sound like a phuckkin parody of rap".
By eliminating Jamal Anderson first, it shows they refuse to take this show TOO seriously. Kind of like America's Got Talent' bizarre decision to push Shakira transsexuals and rhythm less Indian kids over far more talented acts. Of all the pseudo-celebrities, Jamal was the most realistic and natural – thus dangerous – of the cast (but still nowhere near even your most mundane garage rapper). So axing him makes sure the show is treated like the joke it is, and not a serious competition. Wahler staying on even after the Chamillionaire joke shows one of two things – MTV will force feed us their cross promotion by any means necessary – or there really IS three million phuckking retards pounding their phone pad to repeats of The Hills. I don't know what is worse. Anywayz, I'm picking Sebastian Bach or Shar Jackson as the winner. Either way, we've all learned a valuable lesson here – leave the rapping to the pros!
HOMIES HIT THE BIG SCREEN
Homies were all the fad with me and a few of my people years back. We used to fiend for those little 50 cent pieces like they were the last jum rock. I got burnt out after the PALERMOS and the trailer park trash set debuted. In my eyes they've only got progressively worse. But their creator stays on his hustle. The small figurines are now coming to life on the small screen in a new cartoon series set to debut on LATV. The network unveiled its fall lineup today and announced it will premiere The Homies Hip-Hop Show, which is based on the popular two-inch dolls. Each show will consist of eight to 10 sketches, with a music video. "Creator Dave Gonzales and LATV's Rick Najera take the home-boy neighborhood stereotype and turn it upside down and inside out," said Danny Crowe, president of LATV. "Like some rap lyrics and street art, there is more that meets the eye with these complex and provocative characters." The Homies Hip-Hop Show will air Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. The show will air in over 15 markets across the United States. The Homies have sold over 140 million figures worldwide. The characters will also invade the Nintendo DS, in the "Homie Rollerz" game, which is due in stores in November.
• Is Houston Alexander the future of the sport? Early appearances says yes. He's got the look of a murderous cage fighter and his brutal finish of Sakara proves the man is no joke.
• Mirko Cro Cop comes highly touted, but aside from a few PRIDE replays I've never seen the guy actually compete. Thus far in the UFC he is underwhelming and overrated. Kongo on the other hand, is another guy who looks dangerous and deadly just standing there. The better man won this fight.
• Cheap heat for the deaf guy, Matt Hamill. With "Born in the USA" by Springsteen for his theme song, and "American Made" emblazoned across his T-shirt, promoters wanted to make sure he got a FEW cheers going against the unanimous crowd favorite, TUF3 winner (and stuffy Brit) Michael Bisping.
• Surprisingly, Bisping became the underdog within minutes of the fight. Hamill pummeled, and trounced him unmercifully through most of the early rounds. But as is usually the story in Hamill's matches, he simply ran out of gas at the end and Bisping hung on for the split decision. Get Hamill some quality cardio and he'll be a beast.
• Main event goes the distance and neither man looks truly weak. Henderson could take this match as a win, even if it isn't official. Rampage winning by unanimous decision is like the WWE beating WCW's world champion – completely expected.
FOXY BROWN GETS THE LIL KIM TREATMENT
Foxy Brown was sentenced to one year in prison on September 7th for violating her probation. Brown, 28 (and already on probation for assaulting two employees at a Manhattan nail salon in 2004) was arrested on Aug. 14. She was charged with assaulting her Brooklyn neighbor with a Blackberry during a dispute over the volume of her car stereo in July.
According to the Associated Press, Judge Melissa Jackson cited several high profile incidents involving Foxy Brown, including an unauthorized trip to Florida that resulted in assault charges, an incident in Mahwah, New Jersey that resulted in an arrest and a number of traffic violations, a move to Mahwah, N.J. without permission and failure to report to probation officers. Judge Jackson also stated that Brown had dropped out of court-ordered anger management classes with a psychologist.
"I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to change," Brown told Judge Jackson in court. "I realize that's not where I want to be. It's humbled me in ways I never imagined." Judge Jackson was stern in her ruling, ordering the pregnant rapper to jail for a year. "I'm not going to give you any more chances," Judge Jackson said. "I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law." Brown is being held on Rikers Island, which also briefly housed female rapper Remy Ma in July.
WAR to SETTLE the SCORE
A real scuffle broke out in the crowd during the MTV awards ceremony on Sunday night. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, ex-husbands of Pamela Anderson Lee who also presented during the show, wound up duking it out in the audience..
Prior to the "Best New Act Award" which was won by Gym Class Heroes, Kid Rock allegedly punched Tommy Lee in the face. According to reports, Tommy Lee initiated the fight. "When Tommy stands up is when Kid hit him the first time with a backhand," producer Rich Nice told the Associated Press. "Then Tommy Lee looked like he was trying to get at him to aggressively retaliate and then Kid Rock hits Tommy Lee again -- bong. And then security grabs Tommy Lee in a headlock and pulls him off."
Foxx later cracked a joke to the crowd stating: "Stop all this white-on-white violence," while P Diddy took this opportunity to be a complete a wise ass. "It's not just hip hop artists that sometimes have problems, rock and roll artists, y'all sometimes have fights too. You got to stop the violence in rock n roll" he sarcastically stated. Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery after the show. This is the second incident between the two artists.
Tommy Lee was assaulted last year after bad mouthing Kid Rock during Eminem's Shady Bowl Super Party at the State Theatre in Detroit. "There was not one phuckkin word spoken about Kid Rock, D-12, Detroit-anyone for that matter," Tommy Lee told AllHipHop.com after the Feb. 2006 assault. "Shit, I was just chillin' and havin' a cool time. I love Detroit! All I can say to that phuck who sucker-punched me is: Karma kills those who can't kill themselves..."
Outro
MSD's TIPS TO PASS A PRE-EMPLOYMENT DRUG SCREEN WARNING! Applies only to non-federal urine tests
1) Obtain urine.
2) Package urine in ziplock zipper bag, folding the bag in three places to let the air out and twisting it into a knot.
3) Submerge the bag in a thermos filled with hot water. Do not let the urine and water mix, just keep the bag submerged to maintain its temperature.
4) At the drug screen location, remove the bag of urine and dry it off.
5) Place bag under your scrotum, line up the twisted part alongside your Johnson (KEY – make sure the urine bubble is facing DOWN and the twist tie is facing UP or else you'll have leakage).
6) If need be, discreetly pack a little push pin in one of your pockets.
7) Your pockets will be emptied, you may even be patted down. They may also lift your shirt. If you place the bag of urine as described it's practically impossible to differentiate it from your nut sack with a quick pat down.
8) In the bathroom, remove bag and pour contents in cup. If someone is watching use the push pin to subtly poke a hole in the pressurized urine bubble you created in Step #2.
9) Fill up cup.
10) Go smoke another blunt!
