Sex, News & Violins 11.23.07

Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 11.23.2007

My Bloody Valentine wills the power of shoegaze, Lupe's new album isn't about a zombie gangsta sadly, and a bunch of little bits about Radiohead, The White Stripes, Silver Jews, Kanye, Regina Spektor and Sigur Ros. Read on true believer.

Wow, I was actually so busy with schoolwork that I forgot I had to write a column. Literally it was 2 o'clock on a Wednesday in the middle of writing an essay that I remembered "oh yeah, I still do that column thing." So I hobbled this thing together. That's my dedication to this column!...Well I suppose if I had real dedication I wouldn't be over 2 weeks late with this...Touché myself, touché.


Headlines!!

Gaze Upon Thy Sneakers

Oh it's on people, prepare to gaze at your feet once more! My Bloody Valentine has announced reunion shows, which is just fan-fucking-tastic. It's a good time to be Ian Wright, first a Radiohead appears out of nowhere, now this. If The National came to his house and gave him a cookie I'm pretty sure this would be his favourite year ever.

Unfortunately for us Yanks and Canucks all three of these reunion shows happen to occur in the UK. No word on if there will any other reunion shows or where they could happen or when they would happen. I don't think we'll get any dates here in North America but hopefully I'm mistaken. I guess it depends on whether or not both or at least one of their supposed new albums kick ass. Speaking of which, I thought we were supposed to get one of those this year? It's almost December and we haven't heard a peep about a release date. So I wouldn't be surprised if the album actually came out in early 2008.

For now, residents of the UK rejoice and head over to these kickass shows. Unless you happen to not be a My Bloody Valentine fan. In which case you're probably not human.

Can I gaze at my boots? Would that be acceptable?:

06-20 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-28 Manchester, England - Apollo
07-02 Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowland

Lupe Gone Loco?

Huh, so apparently The Cool won't be about a zombie gangsta like I had previously hypothesised, which disappoints me greatly. It will still however be a concept album of sorts featuring characters like Michael Young History, The Game (not the rapper, but "a male personification of a hustler's damaging influences…" So, yeah), and The Streets (again, not the rapper or grimer rather, but "a female embodiment of an urban area's corrupt allure…" So, yeah again). I imagine it will be about the dangers and evils of hip hop and urban culture….From a hip hop artist and a member of urban culture. Hmmm.

Also there will be a song taken from the perspective of a cheeseburger…Yeah that's right, you heard me. It's due out December 18, and well, it should be interesting if anything.

The Cool Tracklist:

01 Iesha Poem
02 Free Chilly
03 Go Go Gadget Flow
04 The Coolest
05 Superstar [ft. Mathew Santos]
06 Paris Tokyo
07 High Definition [ft. Snoop Dogg and Pooh Bear]
08 Little Weapons
09 Hip-Hop Saved My Life [ft. Nikki Jean]
10 Gold Watch
11 Street on Fire [ft. Matthew Santos]
12 Hello Goodbye
13 Gotta Eat
14 Dumb It Down [ft. Gemini and Graham Burris]
15 The Die [ft. Gemini]
16 Put You on Game
17 Fighters [ft. Matthew Santos]
18 Go Baby Go

And A Few Quickies

Regina Spektor passed out during a concert causing her to postpone her date in Atlanta on November 15 until December 5. Thankfully she seems to be fine so she can continue rocking people's socks off with her piano and Russianness.

Sigur Ros is apparently working on a new album with Flood. I bet it'll sound pretty.

The White Stripes will apparently work with Beck for some songs on her "Conquest" single. That could be potentially mind blowingly awesome.

Radiohead's In Rainbows has received a North American release date, and it will be on January 2 in 2008. If you like Radiohead but your intense fear of keyboards prevents you from using the internet, here's your chance to get their latest album.

The new Silver Jews album has a title. It'll be called Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea. And yeah that's basically all I heard about that one. That is all.

And finally, in sad news Kanye West's mother Donda West passed away at the age of 55. She was the inspiration for West and supported and worked with him in many of his endeavours. My condolences to the West family, rest in peace Donda.

If it's any consolation, one of the contributors to this story for the Associated Press was named Nekesa Mumbi Moody. That's kind of funny, I guess.


RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY!!

I find it amusing how I last wrote I maybe would have to make this part a regular part of the column as a joke. Because after two weeks the news about this chick just piles up. That's right, it's once again time for…

Rapidfire Britney Spearsery!

Oh where to begin.

Britney Spears apparently did have sex before marriage. Well stop the fucking presses. Her first time was apparently with a friend named Reg Jones when she was just 14. Maybe they met on the set of The Mickey Mouse Club? Or fucked on the set of The Mickey Mouse Club, one or the other.

Speaking of Mickey Mouse Club related fornication, when Spears and Justin Timberlake were dating they apparently danced the naked two step many times while the media falsely played up the innocence of their relationship. Gee, you mean two of the most popular teen stars with a penchant for singing about wanting to get laid or having gotten laid had sex while dating? Wow, my whole worldview has changed. Did anybody ever buy that crap? The only thing I'm really surprised about is that there wasn't a sextape. Because these days it seems like there's ALWAYS a sextape.

And shouldn't it be sex DVD by now? Get with the times Hollywood.

And now, onto the two products of Britney's sexual relations. Britney has now been forbidden from driving anywhere with her two kids after she was caught on tape showing Britney speeding through a red light with both children in the backseat. Man, you know what would be cool? If she wasn't really as stupid or sad as we all think, she's just incredibly evil. Like if one day she uses her money to construct a laser beam and blows up the moon so it'll explode into thousands of pieces that will rain down upon the Earth at incredible speeds. Britney the negligent mom, maddening and saddening. Britney the supervillain, awesome.

In more crazy Britney driving news, she ran over the foot of a paparazzo. The sad part? That's the second time she's run over a paparazzo's foot. The sadder part? It was the same paparazzo….Ok that last part isn't true but it would be so so great if it was.

And hey, you know how some celebrities go on fancy diets and starve themselves and go through exhaustive exercise regimens to lose weight and keep in shape? And then you know how other celebrities just go to plastic surgeons and get liposuction? Guess which one Britney is. If you guessed right, you get a cookie.

Britney is also missing drug tests, probably because she figures the first few tests with the lowest marks will be dropped. Then she can just focus on the big drug exam.

Britney can't even win with her current comeback attempt, otherwise known as that heavily produced piece of clap trap called her latest album. The video for the single "Do Something" is being banned by Louis Vuitton, as his products are featured heavily and he thinks that it will hurt his brand's image. So, it's finally happened, Britney advertising your product is now considered bad for business. Wow, that's amazing, I didn't think you could possibly even fall that far but Britney once again raises the bar for self destructing pop divas everywhere. You have a lot of ground to make up Amy Winehouse, but I think you might be able to catch up at the rate you're going.


And that's mostly everything Britney related. There may be more but I can only handle so much. Let's look at other things.

In a video posted on Youtube, in the middle of a performance Amy Winehouse to snort a line of cocaine right on stage. Look for yourself:



Hmm, I dunno. Either she snorted right on stage, or she just likes to smell her sleeve. I'm freaked out by either option really.

Apparently Madonna and Guy Ritchie no longer celebrate Christmas as they practice Kabbalah which doesn't recognize any Christian holidays. Says Guy Ritchie "We canceled Christmas two years ago in our household. Once we canceled it we stopped all the presents, and once we stopped all the presents we started enjoying ourselves more." Indeed, I'm sure the kids just love that. In fact you should just stop celebrating everything. I'm sure once you stop giving birthday presents and chocolate on Easter and hell even stop acknowledging anniversaries you'll all be happy as punch! Moron.

Also he said this at the premiere of the movie Fred Claus. Why the hell was Guy Ritchie at the premiere of Fred Claus?

Scott Weiland wants to write an autobiography. You think he'll talk about drugs? Naaaaah.

Simple Minds may make a new album. For those of you who know nothing about the 80's, they're the guys who made the song at the end of The Breakfast Club…Although if you knew nothing about the 80's then that wouldn't help you…Well they were a band who wrote one good song and now they're going to make a bad album. There, all you need to know.

Tommy Lee may or may not still be in Motley Crue. Could someone explain how that's news? That's like saying Bret Michaels may or may not still be in Poison. It's not news because nobody fucking cares!

Boy George was charged with false imprisonment after chaining a 28 year old male to the wall in his apartment...Well, that's a new one.

Apparently the members of Blink 182 aren't speaking to each other. At first I thought this was a good thing since it meant no more shitty crap punk from these morons. Then I realized that it meant that these morons would probably break off and form three different side projects that play similarly shitty music. I dunno about you, but I'd rather have one shitty band instead of three. Talk boys, save us from too much suck!

Jimmy Page after stating that there would only be one Led Zeppelin reunion show is now saying that just one show is selfish and that they may go on tour and hell, they might even do a new album. There's only one explanation for all this: what kind of crazy gambling debt have you gotten yourself into Mr. Page?

During an interview in India where an interview was trying to teach the rapper the Hindi word for "beautiful girl" (trying to teach Fiddy anything is usually your first mistake) he stood up, unzipped his pants and said "everyone around the world knows sign language. I am looking forward to coming to India. Every country I have been to, even if I don't speak the language, people know what I mean when I do this." And who says chivalry is dead?

Michael Jackson and Jamie Foxx are possibly creating their own American Idol style reality show. Oh there is so much potential hilarity/evil that could come out of this.

Courtney Love has decided to follow Radiohead and allow fans to pay whatever price they want for her new album. I think I would have go into integers for this one.

If you're a mathematician you got that joke. That's right, I write jokes for mathematicians now. They're actually a growing demographic.

Oasis had added Radiohead to their long list of things that they hate. Do you think they like anything? Do you think they even like each other?

Bon Jovi may run for governor in New Jersey. Well Kerri Ann will vote for him at least. Everybody else with common sense hopefully won't.

Tom Morello of Rage Against The Machine recently joined the writers who are part of this big ol' writer's strike outside FOX Headquarters and entertained while they picketed. That's actually really cool, maybe the awesomeness of this act will inspire everyone on both sides to come together and reach an agreement already so I can watch a new episode of Lost before 2009! Kee-rist!

Speaking of this infamous strike, SNL did a show that didn't air that featured Michael Cera as the host and Yo La Tengo as the musical guest. Figures the one SNL I would gone out of my way to catch ends up not being shown on TV. Damn you strike!


Billboard Top 20

1. Alicia Keys, As I Am – I wonder if there will be a song even remotely as annoying as "Fallin'" on here? That song was cute the first few times I heard it, after about the sixty-eighth time I wanted to strap dynamite to the piano and have her play "(Believe Me) If All Those Endearing Young Charms".

2. Josh Groban, Noel – Damn you Groban! Stop melting hearts you bastard!

3. Celine Dion, Taking Chances – Ironic since this is probably the same damn music she makes every time.

4. Various Artists, NOW 26 – Oy, these things just sneak up on you don't they? Shit.

5. Garth Brooks, The Ultimate Hits - And yet everyday we go without a greatest hits compilation for Chris Gaines the world grows a little colder.

6. The Eagles, Long Road Out Of Eden – Even the title makes me want to take a nap.

7. Led Zeppelin, Mothership – Not the best compilation but if you're just starting out in the world of Zeppelin then you could do worse.

8. Jay-Z, American Gangsta – Has been getting very strong reviews actually, apparently is miles above the last album he put out. I'm actually interested in it, I may try to check it out.

9. Carrie Underwood, Carnival Ride – So how many tickets do I need to ride Carrie Underwood?

10. Chris Brown, Exclusive – Every time I see this chode I wanna smack that goofy grin off his face.

11. Dane Cook, Rough Around The Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden – If there is justice in the world in 20 years time he'll wind up like Andrew Dice Clay.

12. The Killers, Sawdust – Eh, I like them but I never liked them enough to actually go ahead and track down any of their b-sides. Gotta pass on this one.

13. George Strait, 22 More Hits – Well, yippie skippie doo dah.

14. Various Soundtrack, High School Musical 2 – Is it possible to die from puberty? Because that would be an awesome way for these fuckers to die.

15. Miley Cyrus, Hanna Montana 2 Soundtrack/Meet Miley Cyrus – Parents I'm warning you right now, if you buy this for your children, you will get AIDS. I don't see how but trust me, the cosmos will correct this awful misdeed somehow.

16. Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift – Look! It got the blood stains out!

17. James Taylor, One Man Band – All I can picture is James Taylor running around the stage frantically trying to play guitar, drums, keyboards and various other instruments all at the same time. I enjoy this image, it amuses me.

18. Colbie Caillat, Coco – Cuckoo for crap.

19. Mannheim Steamroller, Christmas Song – Alright, Mannheim Steamroller is usually always fun for Christmas music. On a side note, doesn't Mannheim Steamroller sound like a good name for a wrestling move?

20. Reba McEntire, Reba Duets – I'm still reasonably sure she's some kind of muppet.


IT'S OVER!!

There, a quickie column done up just for you. Again, I apologize about the lateness of it, but real-a life-a, she is-a harsh-a mistress. A spicy meat-a-ball if-a you will. I will be back hopefully next week and if not the week after. And then once exams are done all should be back to normal. Until then my cheeky little monkeys, I bid you adieu.