Sex, News & Violins 12.20.07
Posted by Jamie Buttineau on 12.20.2007
Exams are over, the holidays are here, my computer is fixed, and my schedule is finally back to something resembling normalcy. And thus, columns for all! Radiohead brings rainbows and sunshine to all, Jens Lekman is Swedish, Kim Deal's other famous band returns, lookout for the Silver Jews and we find out what month trip hop will return. Also, trainwrecks, oh such glorious trainwrecks. Good to be back.
I…..LIVE!!!
Yes, I'm somehow still around. Hard to fathom I'm sure, but it is true. After three grueling, god awful, mind crunching weeks of exams, presentations, essays, assignments and various other exercises in tedium and annoyance, I'm free. Free I tells ya! And thus I have time to write a friggin' column.
Didn't hurt that my computer also went got itself some kind of virus last week which deleted half of all my music and just about every column I've written for this site including the one I toiled on last week. It was going to be a good one too, there was fireworks and candy and everything. But thankfully, a quick drop off to some overpriced professionals and I'm back in business.
So, let's get going with columny goodness! God bless us everyone!
Headlines!!
I'm a wee bit behind on the news, so consider this just a recap of all the stuff I deem relevant from within the last little while:
Nothing Says Christmas Like Spacey, Existential Alt. Rock
Radiohead has got themselves a whole tour planned out for the summer of 2008. So if you want to surprise your loved ones this season you couldn't do much better than grabbing some tickets ahead of time. Until you could get them a hat that made cookies and said swear words in Spanish. That would be a kickass gift as well.
Also, for the physical release of their formerly online only In Rainbows, it will not come in a jewel case. Rather it'll come in some kind of crazy paper product thingy. But, you'll get stickers! Yeah! Then all ya gots to do is find yourself a empty jewel case and decorate it with all the stickery delight that you please. Oh Radiohead, nothing is ever simple.
All I Need are tickets to one of these shows:
06-06 Dublin, Ireland - Malahide
06-07 Dublin, Ireland - Malahide
06-09 Paris, France - Bercy
06-10 Paris, France - Bercy
06-12 Barcelona, Spain - Parc del Fòrum
06-14 Nimes, France - Arenes
06-17 Milan, Italy - Civica Arena
06-18 Milan, Italy - Civica Arena
06-20 Neuhausen ob Eck, Germany - Southside Festival
06-22 Scheeßel, Germany - Hurricane Festival
06-24 London, England - Victoria Park
06-25 London, England - Victoria Park
06-27 Glasgow, Scotland - Glasgow Green
06-29 Manchester, England - Lancashire County Cricket Club
07-01 Amsterdam, Netherlands - Westerpark
07-03 Roskilde, Denmark - Roskilde Festival
07-04-05 Werchter, Belgium - Rock Werchter Festival
07-06 Arras, France - Main Square Festival
07-08 Berlin, Germany - Wuhlheide
The Only Person Who Could Make A Cold Swedish Winter Sound Desirable
Seriously, how can you gleefully sing about winter? I have trapped in my house under several inches of snow for days now. The roads are so bad that even the snow plows don't want to drive on them. I haven't even seen the outside world in so long, I'm even sure it's there anymore. All I see is white…Nothing but white….For the love of god send help!!
In the meantime, Jens Lekman's latest and greatest album Night Falls Over Kortedala has kept me entertained. He's lined up dates for early next year and I would definitely recommend checking out his shows. I haven't gotten the privilege of going to see him, but the youtube videos I've seen indicate that he's fantastic live. Besides, he's a crazy Swede, what more reason do you need to go see him? Cooooome oooonnnn.
So much snow…The horror….The horror:
02-15 Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega
02-16 Berlin, Germany - Lido
02-18 Turin, Italy - El Barrio
02-19 Ravenna, Italy - Teatro Rasi
02-20 Geneva, Switzerland - PTR-Usine
02-21 St. Gallen, Switzerland - Palace
02-23 Munich, Germany - Atomic Café
02-24 Frankfurt, Germany - Mousonturm
02-25 Njimegen, Netherlands - Doornroosje
02-26 Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02-27 Paris, France - Nouveau Casino
02-28 Brussels, Belgium - AB Club
02-29 Antwerp, Belgium - Trix
03-01 Cologne, Germany - Gebäude 9
03-02 Hamburg, Germany - Molotow
05-09-11 Rye, England - Camber Sand Holiday Centre (ATP vs. Pitchfork) ^
05-16-18 Minehead, England - Butlin's Holiday Centre (Explosions in the Sky ATP)
^ with the Hold Steady, Of Montreal, Hot Chip, Man Man, Les Savy Fav, Black Lips, Caribou, Dirty Projectors, No Age, Los Campesinos!, Glass Candy, Deerhunter, A Place to Bury Strangers, Yeasayer, Redd Kross, Marissa Nadler, Sebadoh, Ween, Meat Puppets, the Black Angels, Fuck Buttons, Wooden Shjips, Pissed Jeans, Apse, Shit and Shine
Fuck Buttons? Pissed Jeans? Shit and Shine? When the hell did vulgar band names become the latest craze? Well if that's the case then I shall call my band…The Cuntacular Cuntesses! Yeah, that'll work.
Huh, For Some Reason I Didn't See That Reunion Coming
Despite her increased visibility due to the reunion tour of The Pixies, I never expected Kim Deal's other notable indie band The Breeders to return as well. Well apparently I have to work on my expectation skills as The Breeders are not only back, but they have a new album coming as well.
After a five year hiatus The Breeders make their return with Mountain Battles which will come out on April 7/8 in the UK and the US respectively. That's all the info I got on it but more stuff will probably come out later. I mean come on, it's the friggin' Breeders, Pitchfork will probably be splooging over this for a while.
In the meantime, here's an interview with Ms. Deal on that aforementioned website about the new Breeders album, the possible new Pixies album, and various other fun tidbits. Enjoy!
Hopefully They'll Have A Golden Hanukkah
Or is it Chanukkah? Meh, who cares.
The Silver Jews have released the tracklist for their next album Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea. No definite release date, however it is expected in late April. But when in late April? Nobody knows!
This album is supposed to be different from previous Silver Jews albums "in that the songs have more epic settings. They are faux-heroic. Or rather foe-heroic." Also: "the music is never hard rock. Every song has a function or meaning that you could sum up in a few words." Interesting.
Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea Tracklist:
01 What is Not But Could Be If
02 Aloysius, Bluegrass Drummer
03 Suffering Jukebox
04 My Pillow is the Threshold
05 Strange Victory, Strange Defeat
06 San Francisco B.C.
07 Open Field
08 Party Barge
09 Candy Jail
10 We Could Be Looking for the Same Thing
Trip Hop Is Back Baby!
Portishead will actually release that album they always say they're working on. I never believed them…Until now!
Now of course we don't have anything in the way of a release date or tracklist, but hey, at least we know that the album exists and will eventually someday come out. The closest thing to a release date we got is…Well sometime in April apparently. What the hell is it with April and release dates all of a sudden?!
So there's that at least. No word on an album title either, although Alien was the rumoured title back in 2003. Eh, it'll just be nice to get my trippity hop on again.
RAPIDFIRE NEWS SMARTASSERY!!
Ah, so much to catch up on when it comes to crap news. Let's start with one of our special trainwreck updates. It's….
Rapidfire Amy Winehousery!
First let's jump on the new stuff. Most importantly of which would be the wondrous news that Winehouse has been arrested. Now to be fair I know this isn't that surprising. Hell I could probably write that every week and be right at least twice a month. However this arrest is a little interesting. Apparently Winehouse has been implicated in the bribery plot that her husband has been in jail since November over. Her husband allegedly tried to bribe a witness in his upcoming assault trial and now apparently Winehouse is being dragged into the affair. I don't know whether she did some bribing herself or it was her money that the husband tried to bribe the witness (quite possible), either way she's in jail for something that isn't drug related. Although to be fair the assault and battery probably happened while high as a kite so maybe that's not entirely true. If found guilty she could face life in prison….Although she is famous, so that's fairly unlikely.
The good news however is that Mrs. Winehouse doesn't have to worry about a long prison stay. The bad news is it's because she and her husband made a suicide pact just in case they are parted from each other by long prison stays. Hey, you know how you can tell if you're not in a healthy relationship? If you make suicide pacts.
Apparently things are so bad with Winehouse that her own father fears for her well being. What set Father Winehouse off? Well seeing his daughter hanging out with Pete Doherty of course. Can you blame the guy? I mean there is no bigger indication that you have a serious problem than if you're hanging around Pete Doherty. No good could possibly come of that.
But, in positive news, after telling her several times to go to rehab Amy has finally said yes yes yes….Right after she throws a huge pre-rehab party. Yes, that is right, before she goes to rehab she wants to drink, smoke, snort, inject and ingest as much as he humanly can. Hell, possibly as much as she inhumanly can. Dammit, this is more fun with Britney Spears, at least with her she's a hilarious trainwreck. But Winehouse is one of those uncomfortable trainwrecks, the kind you expect to walk onto a subway with a bomb strapped to their chest. Seriously, I would not want to be the person who has to clean up the mess made when she's all done. Yeesh.
Man, that stuff made me sad. I need something to make me feel better. How about…
Rapidfire Britney Spearsery
Ahhh, here we go. Much better.
Britney stole a lighter from a gas station….Wait a minute this is news? Seriously?
Also, she's not showing up to court dates which is pissing off K-Fed's lawyers. Well considering how bad she usually does at these court dates she'll probably be just as successful whether she shows up or not.
Also, rumour has it that she's been cast as the Virgin Mary which is probably part of "The Ironic Casting Cavalcade" which will also star Mel Gibson as a Rabbi and Pete Doherty as a respectable human being. Irony, yeah!
Britney also tried to schedule an appearance on American Idol, but they told her that she should try to get her life together first. That's right, American Idol, who will kiss the ass of every celebrity possible doesn't think it's right to exploit Britney Spears. It is not possible to fall any lower.
But just because she can't fall any lower doesn't mean her family can't! Because guess who's pregnant?! Jamie Lynn Spears, come on down, you're the next contestant on "White Trash Baby Career Suicide Supershow!" Yes, that's right, Britney's 16 year old sister is pregnant. With her 19 year old boyfriend's child. Her 19 year old boyfriend that she was living with. Wow, just, wow. I didn't know white trash was hereditary. Well, should make for some interesting developments on Zoey 101. Good thing no one actually watches that.
There is nothing that could possibly happen at this point that could shock me. Hey, how about next week Momma Spears loses a leg? How about K-Fed gets a degree in genetic engineering? How about Britney becomes a nun? How about she becomes a prostitute? How about she gets her own cartoon where she's a nun pretending to be a prostitute? The only thing that could possibly shock at that point is if she manages to clean up her act and become a decent human being. But really, how the hell are they going to run that in the tabloids? "Britney doesn't do something stupid this week! More on this shocking development inside!" Huh, you know what, I think that would actually work.
Let us move onto other matters that aren't quite as pathetic…Well, they are as pathetic, but not quite so.
Sammy Hagar is planning to host his own radio show. Because if David Lee Roth does it then he has to too. If David Lee Roth jumped off a bridge would you Sammy, would you?!
Destiny's Child is set to reform. Because Beyonce decided to give back to charity this year and she couldn't think of anyone better to help than the other two randoms in Destiny's Child. God bless her.
Recently the movie poster for the new Jessica Simpson movie Major Movie Star (I smell Oscar!) was released. However many people have noticed a striking resemblance between the poster and a GQ Magazine cover:
Normally I would complain more about such pathetic laziness, however these pictures do depict Jessica Simpson in a bikini top with her pants unzipped to reveal a thong bikini bottom. This not a time for sarcasm, this is a time to gape absent mindedly at the pretty picture. Excuse me for a moment…
Ok I'm back. Man, the Jedis will even feel that one.
Answer: 50 Cent playing a concert in Kosovo and not getting shot.
*BUZZ*
What is irony? I'll take Potent Potables for $600 Alex.
Tim McGraw and Dwight Yoakum are going to make a Christmas movie. Normally I would horrified by such an announcement, but it couldn't possibly be worse than any Christmas movie Tim Allen's done in the past 10 years, so what the hell go for it. Besides, Dwight Yoakum's a crazy motherfucker, he'll probably pistol whip Santa and eat a reindeer. I'd watch it.
Celine Dion played her last Vegas show this week. That's right people, it's safe to go back to Vegas. Tell your loved ones, the hard times are over.
Hey did you know that all the crazy ass vampire sounds in I Am Legend came from Mike Patton? Huh, crazy. It was a decent movie too, at least until all that hackneyed religion stuff. Apparently someone saw the ending of Signs and thought "hey, that's not lame at all!"
Noel Gallagher was so drunk when he met Jimmy Page that he doesn't remember meeting the rock legend. The thing is though, he's usually so drunk he doesn't remember a lot of thing. He doesn't remember his wedding day, he doesn't remember his first concert, he doesn't remember his first kiss, and I'm pretty he doesn't remember the entirety of the second grade. Dude discovered the sauce very early in life.
R. Kelly's publicist apparently quit after it was discovered that R. slept with his publicist's 19 year old daughter…Who he had known since she was 4….So remember kids, just because he sings well does not excuse the horrible horrible things that he does….Seriously, ewwwww.
Speaking of excessive alcohol consumption, Scott Weiland was charged with DUI. You can feel the shock spread out across the land!
Pete Doherty was punched by a drug dealer. Ah, Tuesdays at the Doherty home.
Apparently Scary Spice made moves on the other Spice Girls. Hmmm, I'm not gonna lie, some Spice Girl on Spice Girl gang banging would be pretty hot, as long as they leave Posh spice out. That chick freaks me out, people aren't supposed to look like ducks.
Can you tell which is which? I've lost track.
John Mayer apparently has gone from Jessica Simpson to…Ricki Lake. Hmmm, you know what, that's not that bad actually. I mean we've all had our weird attractions. I once had a thing for Queen Latifah. I admit it! We go through phases and I say we respect the man for going out and getting down with his freaky self. Good for you John, good for you. Now if you could just make some music that didn't bore the shit out of me I may actually like you.
Lindsay Lohan is said to be readying a new album. Well there's no way to make this news story any worse…Oh wait, 50 Cent may be involved? Well shit, that is worse. Why must you ruin all of my plans Fiddy, why?!
Apparently Ashlee Simpson's boyfriend resident Fallout Boy wuss Pete Wentz has been banned from the house for the holidays by her dad and manager Joe because of Wentz admitting some bisexual tendencies. Oh come on dude, he wore makeup, sang whiny ass songs about being sad and gelled his hair in ways that would make Final Fantasy characters jealous. But then he kisses one dude and that's the last straw? If I saw my daughter with a douchebag like that I would have done my best to break that shit up as quickly as possible. Besides, I always thought the whole thing with emo kids was that the bisexuality was an unspoken rule. It's just common sense Joe!
Journey has named a new lead singer. However they have yet to name a new reason to care.
And finally, the sad news that's built up.
First Ike Turner died on December 12 at the age of 76. His career spanned several decades in genres like blues, soul, funk and rock. Of course he's probably best known for beating up Tina Turner, which paints him as kind of a dick. So, rest in peace I suppose.
Rapper Pimp C of UGK died on December 4 at the age of 33. No word on how he died but I'm sure he died as crunk as he humanly could have been. Rest in peace big guy.
And finally, the lead singer of Quiet Riot Kevin Dubrow died on November 25 of a cocaine overdose at the age of 52. So sadly, this means we will never get the Quiet Riot comeback that we oh so deserved. Shame. Rest in peace.
Billboard Top 20
1. Josh Groban, Noel – Oh gee, Christmas at the top of the billboard charts. Oh, and he's a heartthrob who sings operatically? I could have closed my eyes and guessed this.
2. Alicia Keys, As I Am – Well at least there doesn't appear to be annoying as remotely annoying as "Fallin'" on here. Dear god that song is the bane of my existence.
3. The Eagles, Long Road Out Of Eden – I like how the album cover depicts a long and vast desert. It's the perfect way to sum up an Eagles album: as bland and uninteresting as a large mass of sand.
4. Various Artists, NOW 26 – We're almost at 30 people. Consider it a landmark of how far mankind has fallen in and out of love, with-a you, I I I never-Oh goddammit! Fuckin' Alicia Keys!
5. Miley Cyrus, Hanna Montana 2 Soundtrack/Meet Miley Cyrus – Why do we keep worshipping Cyrus offspring?! Why do we fall for this all the time?! Don't you people see the patterns!
6. Various Artists, High School Musical 2 Soundtrack – I wonder how much crack you would have to smoke to make this bearable?
7. Carrie Underwood, Carnival Ride – Sorry, Carrie Underwood is closed today due to maintenance and repairs. Feel free to take a ride on Fantastia Barrino though….Yeah I wouldn't either.
8. Garth Brooks, Ultimate Hits – WHERE IS CHRIS GAINES?!! DAMMIT GARTH I KNOW YOU HAVE HIM LOCKED UP IN THERE, LET HIM OUT GARTH! LET HIM OUT!
9. Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift – Taylor Swift is a woman?! Man, I learn something new everyday about this guy.
10. Blake Lewis, Audio Day Dream – Apparently this sucks, however it sucks in an unique and daring way as opposed to Jordin Sparks' album which just sucks in a generic and boring way. So, it's a start.
11. Mannheim Steamroller, Christmas Song – Another year, another Mannheim Steamroller Christmas album. Super.
12. Celine Dion, Taking Chances – For the love of all that is Christian, please go away.
13. Chris Brown, Exclusive – All can they cram so much douchebag into one package.
14. Rascal Flatts, Still Feels Good – I'm pretty sure I caught herpes by listening to a Rascal Flatts song. Don't know how, it's part of their evil magic I'm sure.
15. Jonas Brothers, Jonas Brothers – A strong argument for abortion.
16. Led Zeppelin, Mothership – Out of all the crap, it's nice to know that people still remember what good music sounds like.
17. Scarface, Made – Man, getting the rap name Scarface must have been tough. It's like trying to be the first guy to get "Keyser Soze" as a forum name or something.
18. Colbie Caillat, Coco – Still don't know, still don't care.
19. Sugarland, Enjoy The Ride – I'd rather have diabetes.
20. Various Artists, Hannah Montana Soundtrack – Because why have the second one if you don't have the first? I mean you need to know the backstory to understand the entire plot after all.
Important New Releases Of The Week….According To Me
Thought I'd catch up and check out the last few releases of the year. So let's see what I've missed over the last little while.
Ah, now this is more like it. Much better than that Kingdom Come garbage. Inspired by the movie American Gangster (which isn't that good but whatever) Jay-Z out some of his best work in years. It's nice to see the master back up to his A-game again, this is just great stuff. With this, Kanye, Ghostface Killah and Lupe's new albums this was a pretty decent year for rap.
The live show to end all live shows. I'm not sure I would call this a live album, it's more of a remix album that's been played in front of an audience. But the remixes here are amazing. Daft Punk has managed to find a way to take their most danceable songs and make them even more danceable. Hell they even managed to take some of the crappy songs from Human After All and turn them into dance rock anthems. The only downside to this album is that we're unable to see their giant rainbow pyramid of doom in action while this music plays on. Disappointing really.
Wow, this album really took me by surprise. I hadn't even heard of this until about a week ago but after hearing it I was quite blown away. Burial is some anonymous dubstep artist who creates really affecting dark moody music. Too be honest I had never even listened to any dubstep before, hell I didn't even know what dubstep was. But there is any other dubsteppers out there who could even compare to the work Burial has done here than I would gladly become a dubstep fan. Very high recommendation.
IT'S OVER
Let's wrap it up there for this week. I'll be back next week with my favorites videos of 2007. Who will be the best video of 2007? Ooooooohhhh the excitement is palpable! Catch ya later jingle bell rockers.
