Quick ‘n’ Dirty Music News 01.04.07
Posted by Mitch Michaels on 01.04.2008
Is Britney retarded?, marriage counseling for Amy Winehouse, Billy Joel’s a douche, Lily Allen & British vs. American Fashion, Paul McCartney’s near death experience, Ne-Yo vs. R. Kelly, Radiohead ad nauseum, Bon Jovi’s side gig, James Brown still having legal problems, plus album previews, chart news and Gwen Stefani is our Piece Of The Week!
What the fuck?!?! It's a new year and welcome, fine reader, to the very first Quick ‘n' Dirty Music News of 2008. If you're like me, you're begrudgingly sitting at work and wondering why the hell you didn't get more time off for Christmas. I mean, seriously, we're supposed to work FOUR days the week after? What the hell?
Luckily, though, you seem to have found your way to a PC with an unfiltered internet connection and, after checking your email of course, you've logged onto the best motherfucking independent entertainment site on the ‘net, 411mania. And what better to read than the music zone's flagship column!
Anyway, we're back on all cylinders after phoning it in over the holidays. Hope you enjoyed all the hot chicks last week, by the way. So let's get to this.
New year, same old Britney Spears news. After a fairly quiet holiday season (other than fucking some random photographer), Britney kicked off 2008 by missing her scheduled court deposition in her ongoing custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Again.
If you'll recall, Brit no-showed the same court appearance a month ago, calling in an hour late to let the court know she was not feeling well. Of course, she was photographed later that evening looking like she was feeling just fine. Hey, hangovers don't last forever!
Anyway, Britney didn't even bother phoning in an excuse this time. Even worse, video has surfaced online of her driving around aimlessly during the time she should have been in court.
With an L.A. court system that seems to be riding the new fad of "throw celebrities in jail for a bit", I'm really surprised Britney hasn't been held in contempt of court because of this shit. In fact, let's talk a little about contempt of court.
Contempt of court is a court ruling which, in the context of a court trial or hearing, deems an individual as holding contempt for the court, its process, and its invested powers. A finding of contempt of court may result from a failure to obey a lawful order of a court, showing disrespect for the judge, disruption of the proceedings through poor behavior, or publication of material deemed likely to jeopardize a fair trial. To prove contempt, the prosecutor or complainant must prove the four elements of contempt. These are (1) existence of a lawful order, (2) the contemnor's knowledge of the order, (3) the contemnor's ability to comply, and (4) the contemnor's failure to comply.
Thanks Wikipedia.
Now, to me, Britney's latest missed court date pretty much matches those four elements. The thing is, since this is a civil suit, Britney would have to be tried for contempt of court first. If she was found guilty, she COULD be thrown in jail and held there to ensure that she makes the next deposition. On the other hand, she could also only be made to pay a fine, which she probably wouldn't even notice.
There's one obvious element here that everyone seems to be dancing around while dwelling on the details: either Britney Spears couldn't give a shit less about having custody of her kids, or she is unable to mentally grasp the logistics of this situation. I don't know what kind of mom Britney is, but I'm really starting to lean towards a lack of mental capacity. Is Britney Spears retarded? Someone needs to start shaking that family tree for a history of mental illness and handicaps.
Of course, it's more likely she's just a juvenile bitch that never had to grow up and believes the world revolves around her and her schedule.
Furthering this theory, Britney's legal team in the custody case filed papers to absolve their relationship the other day, saying that a breakdown in communication has left them unable to represent Spears and her interests. I guess Brit was having trouble making her appointments with them, too.
To be fair, Britney has actually been under the assumption that both her lawyers' offices and the courthouse were located within the Four Seasons.
The Sad World Of Amy Winehouse
Unfortunately, Amy Winehouse did not overdose during her big New Year's Eve bash. Instead, she seems poised to go ahead with her ONE WEEK Israeli rehab plan. However, in news that seems contradictory her "turning her life around" plan, Amy also plans on renewing her wedding vows with Blake Fielder-Civil before she leaves. Of course, since Blake is behind bars, they'll be renewing their vows in prison. I'll give you a moment to laugh at that.
Instead of poking fun at Amy's prison marriage, the QnD would like to offer some bits of advice on marrying someone who is behind bars from marriage specialists and authors Sheri & Bob Stritof.
Can a Marriage Survive a Prison Sentence?
According to the Aleph Institute, the divorce rate among couples where one spouse is incarcerated for one year or more is 85%. That doesn't leave many couples in this situation with much hope of making their marriage work.
Well, luckily, Amy & Blake are only two months in right now.
Judee Reeves wrote in 1994, "Families of inmates have been called the "hidden victims of crime" (Carlson & Cervera, 1992, p.5). When a crime is committed, there are victims other than the primary victim(s). These secondary victims include the families of the primary victim and another often overlooked group of victims -- family members of the person who has committed the crime. The families of inmates are often overlooked in research and in designing social programs, yet many suffer devastating consequences as a result of a loved one's incarceration."
I would have to disagree on this. Can anyone name the bartender that Blake beat the fuck out of and then tried to bribe? I believe that Amy Winehouse is the most public "hidden victim" in a while.
Some prisons host seminars for married prisoners and their spouses. Most of these one or two day programs focus on relationship enhancement, communication skills, dealing with conflict, and self awareness.
Oh, but I'm sure a 15-minute wedding ceremony will do the trick, too. Just as well as one week in rehab. Amy Winehouse is BUSY afterall!
So many of the spouses who are left at home suffer from feelings of being an outcast, guilt, shame, loneliness, financial hardship, and sexual frustration. Phoning can be expensive. There is even stress from the visiting room procedures that many prisons impose on families.
It's a sad reminder of how far she's fallen that the thought of a sexually frustrated Amy Winehouse really doesn't do anything for me.
No matter who you are, if you're having to renew your vows less than six months after your wedding, for whatever reason, your marriage is pretty much fucked.
Is Billy Joel Still Pretending To Be Beethoven?
Billy Joel will debut a new classical composition in January with the Philadelphia Orchestra. "Waltz No. 2 " is set to make its premier performance on January 26th. The piece will be part of the 151st anniversary of the Academy of Music.
Joel will also play a selection of his other songs. Blue Man Group and two classical musicians are also on the bill. Joel released an album of classical piano compositions called Fantasies and Delusions in 2001.
You know, until this news came out (and that story about his anti-war song from last month), I had completely forgotten that Billy Joel had retired. I mean, he still tours, right? And he still charges about $1500000 per ticket, right?
Let's see what Billy Joel has been up to since he "retired from writing pop music" in 1993:
• Divorced Christie Brinkley.
• Went to rehab for alcohol abuse. Twice.
• Formed the Long Island Boating Company.
• Crashed his car into a house. And a tree. And another car.
• Married a girl in her 20's.
• Played his "final solo show" in New York on New Year's Eve, 1999.
• Toured with Elton John a bunch.
• Released an album of classical music.
• Released three live albums.
• Released three compilation sets.
• Released the new single "All My Life".
• Released the anti-war song "Christmas In Fallujah", which he didn't sing on.
Pretty active for a retired guy. By the way, the average ticket price for a Billy Joel show is $178, according to StubHub.com. God, Billy Joel is a douche.
Lily Allen Is A Dirty Girl
Lily Allen, who is a spokesman for Braun's Satin haircare line, prefers her brunette hair when it hasn't been washed. Lily said: "My hair is naturally straight, but it looks longer when it is sleek. Sometimes I use a certain spray because I prefer it when my hair looks a bit dirty - like day-after hair."
Allen also revealed she will never move to the United States because US women are too "high-maintenance". Lily said: "You feel like a complete state in the US if you don't make an effort. I remember getting a manicure in New York and this lady who was having a forearm wax, which I'd never even heard of before, looked at me and said, 'You will need one soon.' I was like, 'No! What are you talking about?' They make you feel really bad about yourself unless you are completely pruned everywhere. I hate that modern way of thinking that you have to go to the gym 10 times a week, you can't eat this and you can't eat that and you should get a spray tan. All that preening makes you look worse anyway."
You know, fuck off Lily Allen. The fact that we Americans like our women groomed bothers you. Tell me there's anything sexier than a smooth, freshly shaven forearm.
And don't even get started about how high maintenance US women are over their UK counterparts. The only reason the fashionable limey women aren't out getting their assholes bleached is because they can't afford it after buying overpriced British clothing.
Devil In His Heart
It was revealed yesterday (January 1st) that Paul McCartney had secret heart surgery last fall.
McCartney, 65, had a coronary angioplasty at a private London hospital after seeing a Harley Street specialist at the London Clinic. The operation involves surgeons passing a small tube through the groin to the aorta. A tiny balloon at the tip of the tube is inflated to crush fatty deposits clogging the arteries, allowing blood to flow freely. A stent - a short wire mesh tube - is often left in the artery to keep it open.
The whole point of the operation is to help open up arteries to increase the flow of blood. McCartney recovered from this surgery in a secret London hospital and his spokeperson commented about the procedure, "It was a routine medical operation."
Yes, I know "Devil In Her Heart" was sung by George Harrison, but give me a break, he's already dead.
So Paul had some routine heart surgery. Getting old's a bitch, huh?
Luckily, the QnD got an exclusive interview with Sir Paul, who talks about a scary moment on the table when he was on the brink of death:
Paul: "It was scary, ya know? One minute, I'm lyin' there, havin' a dream about a one legged finger pie, and the next, I'm hearing a familiar voice saying, ‘Paul…Paul…come towards the carnival of light…and I look up and then there's John…with his familiar circle glasses and a big shining halo…and he's reaching out his arms for me…so I think to meself, well, I've had a good run…and I start floatin' up towards him…but then he gets this look about him that just gives me the abdabs…and he's reachin' for my throat…and I look over and there's George in a glass slaughterhouse, shoving a big ol' bloody steak into Linda's mouth…so I turn around and haul arse outta there!"
I guess it's true that, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
I Know There's A Matrix Joke Here
Ne-Yo and Compound Touring Inc. filed a suit on Monday against Rowe Entertainment Inc., the promoter of R. Kelly's "Double-Up" Tour, for firing the singer after two shows as the opening act for Kelly.
The suit alleges breach of contract and violation of the right of publicity. The source of the suit comes from Ne-Yo being dropped from the tour after only two shows because of contractual agreements not being met.
Ne-Yo believes that he was dropped from the tour because his set was getting better fan reception than R. Kelly's. "I believe it was because the first few reviews of the show, people were talking more about my set than his and I don't think he liked that too much," Ne-Yo said in a BET.com interview a few weeks ago.
According to the suit, Ne-Yo is owed $735,000 of the $785,000 he was to be paid for the 25 day tour. Compound Touring and Smith are seeking unspecified damages.
This was an interesting story that I just knew would blow up soon. I wouldn't put it past R. Kelly to get rid of Ne-Yo out of audience response jealousy. You can just ask Jay-Z if you wanna hear R. Kelly touring nightmare stories.
But you know, it could also be because, not only is Ne-Yo a young guy (in his 20's), but he's a pretty young LOOKING guy. Maybe there was some backstage competition over the R&B fans who were born in the 90's?
Radioheadache
Damn, Radiohead just hasn't stayed out of the news, have they? And after writing up our Year In Review for 411, I'm getting a little worn out on Radiohead news, so I'll keep this brief.
In Rainbows, which hit stores on January 1st, already looks poised to grab the #1 spot in the UK, with about 50,000 copies projected to move in the first week. Not bad for a CD that is already largely available.
In even stranger chart news, In Rainbows made its US chart debut this week at #157, despite the fact that its street date was the day after the chart wrapped up. The reason given was illegal early retail sales, which numbered around 9,000. So, wait a minute. Not only are these stores breaking the law and putting these albums out early, but they're REPORTING the numbers? What the fuck?
Luckily, that 9,000 probably won't make much difference in the chart position on Billboard next week, but it will still be tough for the band, as the Top 3 records moved around 200k apiece this week, well over the best sales week Radiohead has ever had.
Bad Medicine
According to Ticketnews.com, it appears that you can add Bon Jovi to the list of artists, like Van Halen, who scalp tickets to their own shows for hundreds, even thousands, of dollars above face value. The New Jersey-bred band, headed by heartthrob Jon Bon Jovi, is currently on tour supporting its top-selling album Lost Highway.
TicketNews discovered that within minutes of tickets going on sale this month on Ticketmaster.com for several Bon Jovi shows, tickets that had not been made available to the public originally were posted on Ticketmaster's TicketExchange website, often for exorbitant prices. Bon Jovi's current tour has been a top seller overall, but the band struggled a bit when it tried to sell out a ten-date residency at the new Prudential Center in their home state. Those shows eventually sold out.
I was ready to dump all over Bon Jovi when I read this news, but you know, it's kind of, sort of fair. I mean, scalpers are making WAY more per ticket than the band is, especially when it comes to a fairly hot selling act. Since there is absolutely NO WAY of stopping ticket scalping (a completely untrue statement in this digital age), Bon Jovi is taking a "if you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em stance".
But then again, do you ever see ticket scalpers living rock star lives? No fucking way. The money Bon Jovi has to be making on this deal is probably only a small drop in the bucket once their other profits are factored in.
Of course, this is people assuming Jon Bon Jovi is sitting at a computer posting ticket sales at 10:00 AM every Saturday, which is most likely far from true. Someone's making money in this deal, but my bet is that it's not someone who is anywhere near the stage.
Down With The Brown
The legal feud over the estate of James Brown is stalling the release of the soul legend's final recordings, his longtime adviser said. Brown cut an album in Los Angeles the summer before he died in December 2006, but the songs are not being released because of courtroom disputes about who should benefit from his legacy and music royalties, said attorney Buddy Dallas.
There are also between 50 and 60 other previously recorded songs in vaults, Dallas said. Brown's fourth son, Daryl, is one of five heirs trying to have their father's will voided because they say his former advisers, including Dallas, used undue influence to get the singer to create charitable trusts from which the advisers would profit.
Typical posthumous fighting by the usual subjects, raised to the nth degree because it's James Brown. Hell, they couldn't bury the guy for a month because of all the fighting. In fact…did they ever bury him?
I just looked it up. He died on December 25th and they finally buried him at a "temporary site" on March 10th. Unbelievable! Was his fucking body that important to the legal proceedings? What, was he being held for questioning?
Anyway, don't get too excited about a new James Brown album. The guy hadn't released a new studio album since 1998's mediocre I'm Back, and he hasn't released anything above average since 1979's The Original Disco Man.
NEW RELEASES FOR JANUARY 8, 2007
WHAT EVERYONE WILL BUY:
Juno: Music From The Motion Picture - The CD release front is still in its post-holiday dead period. Most everything being released this week is low profile, and the only thing I've heard any buzz at all over is the Juno soundtrack. It features a pretty cool mix of singers (Belle & Sebastian, Sonic Youth, Cat Power, Velvet Underground) and is about as cool as any other soundtrack out there right now.
WHAT WILL BE NUMBER ONE:
Well, it took a week of nothing new coming out, but I'm finally back to making good predictions. Just as I assumed, Mary J. Blige continued to sell hard in her second week and finally dumped Josh Groban from the #1 spot. Of course, it could be argues that it was the calendar that actually made people tired of buying Noel, but still, MJB had a good sales week. Alicia Keys also ascended to #2, as I expected. Josh Groban hung around a little better than I thought, still moving around 170,000 to grab the #3 spot. Nothing new debuted this week.
As for next week, the big debut (and only Top 10 debut) should be Radiohead's In Rainbows, which I've already discussed. Alicia Keys has been around for a little while, so I could see her losing steam, but I don't figure on Mary J. Blige going down to Radiohead. Still, a #2 isn't bad for In Rainbows (or, historically, for Radiohead), especially given that wacky release model.
WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY:
There's always something worth buying in the New Release section. Here are my picks:
Kate Nash - Made Of Bricks - A British pop singer/songwriter with indie sensibilities? Sounds like money to me.
Rhonda Vincent - Good Thing Going - It's hard to believe there are still people making real bluegrass, but Rhonda Vincent has really transcended the niche genre, bringing her own modern bent to the music. Nice cleavage on the album cover, too.
WHAT'S HOT ON THE DIAL?
Billboard has about a million charts, so each week I'm gonna round up the #1s from each format. That way, no matter WHAT station you flip to when not using your presets, you'll be aware of what you might hear. Newly crowned #1s are in bold:
CHART
SINGLE
WEEKS
POP
HOT 100
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low"
10
HOT 100 AIRPLAY
Alicia Keys – "No One"
17
POP 100
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low"
9
POP 100 AIRPLAY
Alicia Keys – "No One"
12
HOT SINGLES SALES
High School Musical 2 Cast – "What Time Is It"
25
BUBBLING UNDER HOT 100 SINGLES
Plain White T's – "Our Time Now"
2
DIGITAL
HOT DIGITAL SONGS
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low"
8
HOT DIGITAL TRACKS
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low (Album Version)"
8
HOT RINGTONES
Soulja Boy Tell'em – "Crank That (Soulja Boy)"
16
R&B/HIP HOP
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SONGS
Alicia Keys – "Like You'll Never See Me Again"
10
HOT R&B/HIP HOP AIRPLAY
Alicia Keys – "Like You'll Never See Me Again"
10
HOT ADULT R&B AIRPLAY
Alicia Keys – "No One"
18
HOT RAP TRACKS
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low"
15
RHYTHMIC TOP 40
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain – "Low"
N/A
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SINGLES SALES
Temar Underwood – "Inside Out"
42
COUNTRY
HOT COUNTRY SONGS
Taylor Swift – "Our Song"
20
ROCK
HOT MODERN ROCK TRACKS
Seether – "Fake It"
18
HOT MAINSTREAM ROCK TRACKS
Seether – "Fake It"
19
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
HOT ADULT TOP 40 TRACKS
Colby Caillat – "Bubbly"
26
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY TRACKS
Colby Caillat – "Bubbly"
22
CHRISTIAN
HOT CHRISTIAN SONGS
Casting Crowns – "East To West"
26
HOT CHRISTIAN ADULT CONTEMPORARY
MercyMe – "God With Us"
13
DANCE
HOT DANCE CLUB PLAY
Ono – "No, No, No"
14
HOT DANCE AIRPLAY
Plumb– "In My Arms"
15
HOT DANCE SINGLES SALES
Mindless Self Indulgence – "Straight To Video"
95
INTERNATIONAL
HOT LATIN SONGS
Juanes – "Me Enamora"
16
EUROPEAN HOT 100 SINGLES
Timbaland feat. OneRepublic – "Apologize"
10
EURO DIGITAL TRACKS
Timbaland feat. OneRepublic – "Apologize"
12
CANADIAN HOT 100
Timbaland feat. OneRepublic – "Apologize"
22
RECURRENTS
HOT 100 RECURRENT AIRPLAY
Justin Timberlake & Beyoncé – "Until The End Of Time"
1
HOT SINGLES RECURRENTS
Plain White T's – "Hey There Delilah"
5
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENT AIRPLAY
Beyoncé – "Get Me Bodied"
4
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENTS
Beyoncé – "Get Me Bodied"
4
HOT COUNTRY RECURRENTS
Carrie Underwood – "So Small"
2
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY RECURRENTS
Gwen Stefani feat. Akon – "The Sweet Escape"
1
MUSICAL PIECE OF THE WEEK
I was checking out the top singles of 2007 and, ya know, for pop bullshit, there were a lot of catchy songs to hit radio last year. Perhaps the catchiest, though, was thanks to former No Doubt songstress Gwen Stefani, who has now released two very stellar pop albums. That cut would, of course, be "The Sweet Escape", which featured everyone's favorite thug of the month Akon.
In honor of Gwen's singles success (and her insanely nice set of legs), we're naming her as our very first Quick ‘N' Dirty Piece Of The Week of 2008!
THE END
Hope you all had fun. Be sure to drop me a line on what you liked, didn't, etc.
