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Quick ‘n’ Dirty Music News: 04.04.08
Posted by Mitch Michaels on 04.04.2008



What the FUCK?!?!? It's time again, folks, for Mitch Michaels to bring you 411's Friday Flagship, the Quick ‘n' Dirty News.

Wrestlemania has come and gone, and I for one was happy with the big show. Finlay's flying bump was awesome and I loved Hornswoggle getting taken out by the trash can. Snoop Dogg proved to be one of the most entertaining celebrities to take part since Bob Uecker and we had some genuine surprises like Randy Orton holding on to the WWE Title and Big Show and Floyd Mayweather pulling out a fun little match.

So with ‘Mania 25 over a year away, there's no reason to cry, because we've got twelve months of PPVs and, most importantly, 52 fucking amazing QnD reports to keep you entertained. So let's get to it.

Oh wait, and if you haven't yet, hop on over here and check out the most awesome podcast in the known world – the very first 411 Music Podcast. We've got great songs and some awesome commentary and, fuck, at the very least you get to hear what we dickheads around the zone sound like.

Now, let's get to it.

It's quick. It's dirty. It's news.



STAND BY…FOR NEWS!

All news items are from 411 Music's newswire:

Mariah Puts The Beatles On Notice

Mariah Carey continued her move towards legendary status this week, as she grabbed her 18th #1 hit with "Touch My Body". The tally ends her longstanding tie with Elvis Presley, giving Carey the second most #1 singles by any artist in history. She's just two shy of tying the current title holders: The almighty Beatles.

With Mariah releasing a new album next month, it wouldn't be impossible for her to score that elusive pair of chart toppers, thusly tying her with the Beatles. But is Mariah truly on par with the most revered band in the history of the world? The QnD has decided to take an analytical look at the whole thing by comparing Mariah and the Fab Four's historic #1s. Since Mariah only has eighteen, we'll be ignoring The Beatles' "Long And Winding Road" and "Let It Be" - the band's last two #1 hits.



Mariah Carey's #1s vs. The Beatles' #1s


"Vision Of Love"
"I Want To Hold Your Hand"
While "Vision Of Love" was a gigantic success for a debut single, putting Mariah Carey on the map in the US, "I Want To Hold You Hand" has become the best known representation of the first stage of The Beatles' career and is their best selling single worldwide. "Vision Of Love" was about spirituality, faith and the realization of dreams. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" was about….yeah. Still, you can't deny the power of pop arrangements and mop tops.
- Winner: Beatles (1)
"Love Takes Time"
"She Loves You"

Both of these songs are about love, but while Mariah cautions to take things slow, The Beatles are informing a good friend that, yeah, you fucked up, but she wants you back. "Love Takes Time" doesn't really hold up today and is a bit too preachy for my tastes.
- Winner: Beatles (2)
"Someday"
"Can't Buy Me Love"
The newjack swing "Someday" was the first taste America got of Mariah's fun side. "Can't Buy Me Love" talked about how money can't by true happiness. "Someday" was amazing because it was Mariah's third consecutive #1 hit from her debut album. "Can't Buy Me Love" does that single one better, as it replaced "She Loves You" as #1 on the charts, which itself replaced "I Want To Hold Your Hand". You can't deny that kind of performance.
- Winner: Beatles (3)
"I Don't Wanna Cry"
"Love Me Do"
Mariah Carey's "I Don't Wanna Cry" is one of her least favorite singles, but it did make for four consecutive #1's and the first time an album had seen every single go to the top. "Love Me Do" actually dates back to the earliest days of the Beatles, though it didn't break out in the US until two years later. Even Mariah Carey agrees that her earliest hits sucked, and "Love Me Do", as the Beatles' first UK single, is iconic.
- Winner: Beatles (4)
"Emotions"
"A Hard Day's Night"
"Emotions" reached #1, making Mariah Carey the only artist to ever top the charts with their first five songs. It was produced by C+C Music Factory and was our first taste of Mariah Carey's high register. "A Hard Day's Night" is one of the few songs where Ringo Starr has been given any credit, as he thought up of the title during a particularly long recording session. Ringo vs. C+C Music Factory?
- Winner: Beatles (5)
"I'll Be There"
"I Feel Fine"
"I'll Be There" is a Jackson 5 cover, arranged last minute for Mariah Carey's "Unplugged" episode. Demand for the track was so great that her label released it as a single. "I Feel Fine" has a great riff, but it's hard pressed to be better than Mariah's signature take on this one.
- Winner: Mariah (1)
"Dreamlover"
"Eight Days A Week"
"Dreamlover" would be the first of many Mariah Carey hits to contain a sample. It was also her biggest hit to date back in 1994. "Eight Days A Week" was one of The Beatles' least favorite songs – they never even played it live. This one would be a push as far as popularity, but hell, even Bruce Springsteen liked "Dreamlover" enough to sample it.
- Winner: Mariah (2)
"Hero"
"Ticket To Ride"
"Hero" has been one of my favorite Mariah Carey songs since she performed it on the "Tribute to Heroes" post-9/11 telethon. It's such a gentle and uplifting tune, and Mariah's vocals are amazing. "Ticket To Ride" is a pretty heavy rock tune, which some cite as the beginning of The Beatles' trip into experimentation. Gonna have to go with the sentimental fav here.
- Winner: Mariah (3)
"Fantasy"
"Help!"
It's a shame for Mariah that her biggest single ever has to go against a song this iconic. Lennon claims that "Help!" was written as a cry against his sudden rise to fame and called it (and "Strawberry Fields Forever") his favorite song with the band. "Fantasy", despite debuting at #1 (a first for a female artist), just doesn't have that pedigree.
- Winner: Beatles (6)
"One Sweet Day"
"Yesterday"
Things are getting ugly now. "One Sweet Day" is the longest running #1 hit of any single ever, at 16 weeks. It also has the bonus star power of Boyz II Men. "Yesterday", on the other hand, is Paul McCartney's masterpiece and certified as the most covered song of all time. Personally, I like "Yesterday" better, but this one's just too close to call.
- Winner: Tie
"Always Be My Baby"
"We Can Work It Out"
"Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend." I agree. Besides, "Always Be My Baby" is easily the better track here, and pretty much defines Mariah Carey's enormous popularity in the 90's.
- Winner: Mariah (4)
"Honey"
"Paperback Writer"
With "Honey", Mariah gives us a famous video featuring her in stiletto heels, a bikini and a tight wetsuit. With "Paperback Writer", the Beatles tell us a "dirty story ‘bout a dirty man". No contest.
- Winner: Mariah (5)
"My All"
"Penny Lane"
"My All" was an OK single, but probably only reached #1 due to the success Carey was riding in 1997 more than its own merit. "Penny Lane", on the other hand, used horns and strings to create the Beatles' most gorgeous single to date.
- Winner: Beatles (7)
"Heartbreaker"
"All You Need Is Love"
"Heartbreaker" is a great summer record, with an appearance by Jay-Z making it one of Mariah's coolest cuts. It was also one of the first singles to incorporate the internet in its promotion. "All You Need Is Love", though…you just can't beat it. This is the Beatles summed up as a revolution.
- Winner: Beatles (8)
"Thank God I Found You"
"Hello Goodbye"
If this battle was a PPV, this would be the match where everyone went to the concession stand. Two of the weaker chart toppers by the artists, neither stayed at #1 for more than a week. The winner of this can be decided by merely who you like better, so I'm calling it a tie.
- Winner: Tie
"We Belong Together"
"Hey Jude"
If the last match-up was the piss break, then this one is the big squash. "We Belong Together" was Mariah's big comeback tune a few years ago, but "Hey Jude" is one of the greatest songs of all time.
- Winner: Beatles (9)
"Don't Forget About Us"
"Get Back"
"Don't Forget About Us" is the flipside of "We Belong Together". While the girl is crying in the former, this tune finds Mariah giving the big kiss off. "Get Back" would become the final song on the final Beatles album, making it forever their career's last bow. Even without the legacy, "Get Back", with its incomprehensible lyrics, is the better tune.
- Winner: Beatles (10)
"Touch My Body"
"Come Together"
"Touch My Body" has sexy lyrics and a sexy video. "Come Together" has Timothy Leary (Ronald Reagan's Presidential opposition) and walrus gumboot. ‘Nuff said.
- Winner: Mariah (6)

So, with a final tally of 10-6, I think The Beatles' legacy is safe. No way Mariah is coming out with the next "Let It Be".

F*ck Fur

Aretha Franklin's $19,000 tax bill will be paid by PETA if she promises never to wear fur again. Franklin - who was crowned Biggest Loser by the animal rights activists last month for her love of fur - is close to having her Michigan home repossessed unless she can come up with the money.

PETA have agreed to settle the bill if she agrees to their terms, which also includes handing over her collection of fur coats. In a letter to Aretha, PETA stated: "We would like to help you out by paying the approximately $19,000 in back taxes that you owe - if you'll agree to save animals from hideous suffering and death by promising never to wear fur again and donating your old furs to PETA. We are absolutely sincere in making this offer - we believe that you know in your heart that your fans will love you even more if you make a fur-free resolution. Our offer is a win-win situation. You get to keep your home, and animals get to keep their lives. We are rooting for you to please give animals the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that they deserve by giving up fur."


Fucking PETA. Seriously, does ANYBODY enjoy their ridiculous antics? They were busy this week, too, as they publicly invited Britney Spears to become their "virtual receptionist", whatever the fuck that means, snidely saying that it was time for a new beginning after Brit's own personal problems. Hey PETA:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here's a question though – couldn't Aretha just auction off all of her expensive furs and raise the cash to pay off the government? I just find it hard to believe that Aretha is having trouble coming up with $19,000. Doesn't she get any residuals from "Respect"??

I hope Aretha doesn't play ball on this one, as there are plenty of other ways. But then again, it could be worse: this could lead to one of those naked PETA ads starring the Queen Of Soul. *Shudder*

Here's an image to fight that demon away:




Damn her politics, she's such a great piece of ass.

Velvet Revolver Unloads On Scott Weiland

It's been a hell of a week for Velvet Revolver, culminating in the obvious conclusion – Scott Weiland is no longer in the band. Weiland had been feuding with drummer Matt Sorum, who was put off by Scott's rejoining Stone Temple Pilots and putting off a VR tour for a silly thing like rehab. Weiland began to make public claims that VR would soon be no more, which had guitarist Slash laughing beneath his large stovepipe hat.

Slash hinted early in the week that there WOULD be a third Velvet Revolver album, even if Weiland wasn't involved. It didn't take long for this news to follow (on April Fools' Day, no less)

Rock supergroup Velvet Revolver has officially parted ways with frontman Scott Weiland following weeks of internal fighting between band members.

Guitarist Slash, drummer Matt Sorum, bassist Duff McKagan, and guitarist Dave Kushner sent out a press release with the news of Weiland's departure.

"This band is all about its fans and its music and Scott Weiland isn't 100% committed to either," said Slash in the press release. "Among other things, his increasingly erratic onstage behavior and personal problems have forced us to move on."

This all started about two weeks ago at a live concert in Glasgow when Weiland told the live crowd that fans were watching the "final tour" by the band. This led to fighting between Weiland and Sorum online, each trading blows with the other.

In a recent interview with Classic Rock magazine, Slash said about the internal fighting, "Obviously I'm very aware of everything that's going on. The only thing I can add to that is, in contrast to what Scott says, there will be a Velvet Revolver after this tour." When asked if Weiland would continue as the singer, Slash added with a chuckle, "I have no comment on that."


And you'd think that would be it. STP announced a barrage of summer tourdates this week (with plenty of festival stops) and Slash himself has joined in on Tom Morello's "Justice" Tour. Unfortunately, Weiland just couldn't help but have the last word:

Former Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland has released a statement to MTV News regarding his departure.

Weiland was kicked out of the band yesterday by the other four members of Velvet Revolver.

"After reading the comment by Duff, Matt, Dave and the illustrious 'Guitar Hero,' Saul Hudson, a.k.a. Slash, I find it humorous that the so-called four 'founding members' of Velvet Revolver, better known to themselves as 'the Project' before I officially named the band, would decide to move on without me after I had already claimed the group dead in the water on March 20 in Glasgow," Weiland said.

"In response to Slash's comment regarding my commitment [to the band], I have to say it is a blatant and tired excuse to cover up the truth. The truth of the matter is that the band had not gotten along on multiple levels for some time. On a musical level, there were moments of joy, inspiration, fun ... at times. But let's not forget the multiple trips to rehab every member of the band had taken (with the exception of one member — no need to mention his name).

"Personally speaking, I choose to look forward to the future and performing with a group of friends I have known my entire life, people who have always had my back," Weiland continued. "This also speaks to my commitment to my music and my fellow bandmates in (Stone Temple Pilots) and to the fans who I feel would much rather watch a group of musicians who enjoy being together as opposed to a handful of discontents who at one time used to call themselves a gang."

At the end of the press release, Weiland did wish his former bandmates the best of luck, saying, "Good hunting, lads — I think Sebastian Bach would be a fantastic choice."


Sebastian Bach probably just shit himself at the thought of that high profile gig. Sorry dude – I'm pretty sure it was a joke.

I believe that VR's press release did deserve a response from Scott, but now both parties just looked petty. And Scott – STP ALWAYS has had your back? What about the onstage fist fight that nearly erupted between you and Dean Deleon at STP's last show? Technically, he almost had your FRONT.

So now let the speculation on who will replace Weiland in VR begin. Chris Cornell perhaps? He's not doing anything lately. Too bad the lead singers for all the other popular broken up band's from the 90's are dead.

Then again…with Slash, Sorum and Duff needing a lead singer….there is the one guy who they used to work with…

Not gonna happen people.

Everything Else

Mos Def will be in that movie about Chess Records. The costume department better keep an eye on that guy.

(And if you got that reference CONGRATULATIONS for watching those Chappelle's Show commentaries)

Finger Eleven will perform on the Miss USA show. Wouldn't they have better suited their crowd by getting Clay Aiken?

Live Nation continues to slowly take over the world. This week, they signed huge deals with U2 and Jay-Z. Enjoy those expensive concert tickets music fans!

Speaking of Jay-Z, he may be getting married to Beyonce. The guy can have her mind and body, but the woman has no soul.

They're releasing a second Juno soundtrack. Ick. In related news, Kimya Dawson is going to work with Sesame Street. Look for her to win in an ugly contest over that purple thing with two heads.

And finally, Weezer's next album will be called Weezer. If the album art is blue or green, we're all fucked.

(* Thanks to the comment guy for that line! *)


NEW RELEASES FOR APRIL 8, 2008

WHAT EVERYONE WILL BUY:

Leona Lewis - Spirit - Originally, I would've said Gnarls Barkley's Odd Couple had this locked, but a couple of things happened. First (and most importantly), Gnarls Barkley released their album early, making it available in several different outlets weeks ahead of schedule. Then Leona Lewis went and scored herself a #1 single with "Bleeding Love", which was already a huge hit internationally. After a giant couple of release weeks, there's a hole here for a new star to slip through, and I look for Leona to score.

WHAT WILL BE NUMBER ONE:

First off – who the fuck is Day26??? That's rhetorical, of course. People keep underestimating Diddy, but the man continues to deliver, as just a couple of years ago we were left asking, "Who the fuck is Danity Kane???" I'm starting to think that Sean himself buys up all these albums just cause the charts look good on Bad Boy. Panic At The Disco, who I called for #1, had to settle for #2, and DK dropped all the way to #4, thanks to losing about 2/3rds of their sells. Guess Bad Boy ran out of free copies to give away. Counting Crows also debuted strong at #3, but their sales didn't match their last album. Too bad, too, as Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings is a much better record. The Raconteurs grabbed the #7 spot and hey, how could I have called that one – there was no hype. Literally, it was announced and then the next week there it was. Talk about balls. Amazing that this grabbed a Top 10 spot, but thus is the power of Jack White. That fucked up my B-52's return, as Funplex JUST missed the Top 10, hitting #11 because that damn Sara Bareilles record won't go away.

This week, we've got the mighty return of R.E.M., which is getting great reviews. And then there's the always solid George Strait. Based on buzz alone, I'm afraid Michael Stipe and boys are going to overtake King George and grab their first #1 since Monster. Muse should also find a place back in the Top 10, as their last LP broke them on US soil and shot to #10. And never count out Lil Wayne & Birdman, who should rack up with Happy Father's Day.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY:

There's always something worth buying in the New Release section. Here are my picks:

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! - It's definitely got my vote for coolest title. Will Nick Cave have gotten his rocking out of the way with Grinderman, or will that fervency spill over into this new Seeds set. Can't wait to find out.

P.O.D. - When Angels & Serpents Dance - Hopefully the return to their original line-up and a new label will reignite P.O.D.'s career. Nobody was doing the shit they were doing back when Satellite came out.

WHAT'S HOT ON THE DIAL?

Billboard has about a million charts, so each week I'm gonna round up the #1s from each format. That way, no matter WHAT station you flip to when not using your presets, you'll be aware of what you might hear. Newly crowned #1s are in bold:


CHARTSINGLEWEEKS
POP
HOT 100Mariah Carey – "Touch My Body"7
HOT 100 AIRPLAYChris Brown – "With You"17
POP 100Mariah Carey – "Touch My Body"7
POP 100 AIRPLAYChris Brown – "With You"15
HOT SINGLES SALESAnna Nalick – "Shine"1
BUBBLING UNDER HOT 100 SINGLESDavid Banner feat. Chris Brown – "Get Like Me"1
DIGITAL
HOT DIGITAL SONGSMariah Carey – "Touch My Body"1
HOT DIGITAL TRACKSMariah Carey – "Touch My Body"1
HOT RINGTONESGrupo Montez de Durango – "Adios Amor Te Vas"54
R&B/HIP HOP
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SONGSUsher feat. Young Jeezy – "Love In This Club"8
HOT R&B/HIP HOP AIRPLAYUsher feat. Young Jeezy – "Love In This Club"8
HOT ADULT R&B AIRPLAYKeyshia Cole – "I Remember"21
HOT RAP TRACKSWebbie, Lil' Phat & Lil' Boosie – "Independent"22
RHYTHMIC TOP 40Usher feat. Young Jeezy – "Love In This Club"N/A
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SINGLES SALESParis Houston feat. Kid Kutta – "Make It Bounce 4 Ya "4
COUNTRY
HOT COUNTRY SONGSTrace Adkins – "You're Gonna Miss Me"17
ROCK
HOT MODERN ROCK TRACKSFoo Fighters – "Long Road To Ruin"23
HOT MAINSTREAM ROCK TRACKSPuddle Of Mudd – "Psycho"26
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
HOT ADULT TOP 40 TRACKSSara Bareilles – "Love Song"33
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY TRACKSColbie Caillat – "Bubbly"35
CHRISTIAN
HOT CHRISTIAN SONGSMatthew West – "You Are Everything"25
HOT CHRISTIAN ADULT CONTEMPORARYMatthew West – "You Are Everything"25
DANCE
HOT DANCE CLUB PLAYErin Hamilton – "The Flame 08"10
HOT DANCE AIRPLAYBellatrax feat. Sophia May – "I Can't Help Myself"9
HOT DANCE SINGLES SALESMindless Self Indulgence – "Never Wanted To Dance"2
INTERNATIONAL
HOT LATIN SONGSFlex – "Te Quiero"21
EUROPEAN HOT 100 SINGLESLeona Lewis – "Bleeding Love"23
EURO DIGITAL SONGSEstelle feat. Kanye West – "American Boy"2
CANADIAN HOT 100Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake – "4 Minutes"2
RECURRENTS
HOT 100 RECURRENT AIRPLAYThree Days Grace – "Never Too Late"13
HOT SINGLES RECURRENTSThree Days Grace – "Never Too Late"15
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENT AIRPLAYKeyshia Cole introducing Amina – "Shoulda Let You Go"3
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENTSKeyshia Cole introducing Amina – "Shoulda Let You Go"3
HOT COUNTRY RECURRENTSBrad Paisley – "Letter To Me"5
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY RECURRENTSCeline Dion – "Taking Chances"2


MUSICAL PIECE OF THE WEEK

This past Tuesday was April Fools' Day, a day when people like to play fun and/or malicious pranks on friends and family, all in the name of…what? The month of April? Anyway, I pulled a my own little prank on you fine 411 readers, promising HOT outtakes from Jessica Simpson's recent Playboy shoot. You can check it out here.

(Oh, and be grateful I didn't go with Dan Haggerty's idea, which was scantily clad fat chicks – a great idea in theory, until you're the guy who has to troll the ‘net for said fat chick pics).

Anyway, later that day, we found out that poor Jessica was taken to the hospital due to a kidney infection. Don't worry, she's all better, though I wouldn't mind her letting me take her temperature…and that I mean put my penis in her mouth for two minutes until it reaches the same level as her internal temperature. Am I right? Huh?

Anyway, to cheer Jessica up and to make amends to my hottie-loving public, we once again make Jessica Simpson our Quick ‘n' Dirty Piece Of The Week!













THE END

Hope you all had fun. Be sure to drop me a line on what you liked, didn't, etc.

Keep your ears to the ground.






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