The 411 Music Top 5 05.06.08: Most Embarrassing Albums
Posted by Blake Lauderback on 05.06.2008
The Music Zone is back at work again. This time we clear out the proverbial skeletons in the closet as we painstakingly reveal the Top 5 Most Embarrassing Albums in our collections. You know you are curious!
Ladies and gents, welcome back to The Music Zone Top 5. Last week's edition was a smashing success, and I enjoyed the influx of lists that everyone sent in. The list turned out to be everything that I could have hoped for with so many people just talking about their favorite music and why they love it… truly a beautiful thing.
I hope that after reading last week that you feel as you know each of us a little better, because after reading your submissions, we certainly know you all better. I believe it is safe to say that each and every one of us has unique (and sometimes bizarre) taste in music.
As promised, we are going to continue on with the "getting to know each other" theme, which brings us to this week…
Our Top 5 Albums That We Are Embarrassed to Admit We Own
Everybody makes mistakes…
Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet…
These clichés are clichés because there is a great deal of truth to them. Every human being has screwed up at some point in his or her existence, and each and every one of us has something hidden that we aren't proud of.
This philosophy extends into the music world just as it does in any other. Well we at the Music Zone want to prove to the world that we have nothing to hide. To do so, we are going to open ourselves up and release some of the deepest, darkest secrets of our music-listening lives. There may be laughter, there may be rage, there could even be a hysterical music critic or two huddling in the fetal position in the corner sobbing softly by the time we are finished, who knows?
HONORABLE MENTION: None! For a man of musical taste finding five albums was a challenge…
5. Mingus Ah Um - by Charles Mingus - Yeah I sometimes like to crack out the Mingus. A bit of Bass led freeform Jazz is nothing to be embarrassed about… ah who am I kidding? This just proves that I am a complete and utter music boffin. No one of my age should have even heard of Charlie Mingus before, never mind own a record. I came to this realization when watching British sitcom ‘The Mighty Boosh', which features self proclaimed multi-instrumentalist and ‘Jazz-freak' Howard Moon, who of course name dropped the Mingus – that's the day I realized how sad I am (I already kind of knew).
4. Air Guitar II - by Various Artists - Oh the shame! The shame of owning a compilation album which was bought at Christmas! It actually has some good tracks on it, but I can't ever forgive myself for buying a seasonal compilation album. I feel sick.
3. Take Off Your Pants and Jacket - by Blink 182 - It's probably a good album to fans of pop-punk, but that is not me. Why did I buy this album? I can't possibly say. The moment you hear an adult man singing that he wants to "fuck a dog up the ass" is the day you realize civilization is crumbling hopelessly around you. This is probably the reason I'm now a Charlie Mingus listening freak.
2. New Found Glory – by New Found Glory - Who wouldn't be embarrassed to own this album, I was only a young lad, I was just getting into rock music and they seemed good at the time. Don't judge me! At least with the benefit of hindsight I have moved this album out of my collection and stored it in an ‘undisclosed location'. I'd sell the damn thing if I thought someone would buy it.
1. Anthology - by Alien Ant Farm - This is the very first album I bought, based purely on their cover of Michael Jackson's ‘Smooth Criminal'. God this is a bad album, nothing says ‘I know nothing about music' more than listening to AAF. After a few listens I confined this album to the aforementioned ‘undisclosed location', and it hasn't seen the light of day since. This is one of the few times I have admitted to owning this record, and I feel slightly violated to be perfectly honest.
5. The Slim Shady LP- by Eminem - It feels like forever ago that this album came out. It was ridiculously popular, and what I like to do with all things popular, I shunned it. When they began playing "My Name Is" on rock radio, I became so disgusted with the mainstream media that I stopped listening to the radio altogether. However, my brother picked up a bootleg copy of the CD, and he used to play it nonstop when my mother wasn't around. Unfortunately, I took a liking to songs like "Brain Damage", "My Fault", "Bad Meets Evil", etc. So, every once in a while when I'm in an angry mood, I'll put this CD and other Eminem discs, and I'll "rap" along with them. It's a guilty pleasure, kind of like Brazilian Fart Porn.
4. Back to Bedlam - by James Blunt - James Blunt has to have the most annoying voice out of any vocalist, in this modern era. Despite this, I underestimated how catchy and addicting "You're Beautiful" could be. I used to watch mtvU and leave it on in the background; the station liked to cycle the track as often as possible. It grew on me, and I wound up picking up the CD. I don't listen to it anymore because my ear drums simply cannot hear Blunt's high-pitched whine. So, it collects dust. Not unlike my weight bench.
3. Pretty. Odd. - by Panic! At the Disco - There is nothing I like about this album. It is a complete waste of digital space, for me. After falling completely in love with A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, I figured I'd immediately pick up Pretty. Odd.. Yeah, that was a huge fucking mistake. There is no redeemable track on this CD that made it worth listening to or buying. I am completely ashamed to own it; but as the saying goes, "You heard it; you can't uh-hear it." I can, however, stick the CD in my microwave and watch it spark.
2. Fancy Footwork - by Chromeo - I'll give you bonafied lovin'. Oh Oh Oh oh. Best CD you've probably never listened to. A co-worker turned me onto Chromeo, and I put this disc on whenever I feel the need to bust-a-move. I generally try to stay away from anything Canadian, since I hear interacting with it can give you diseases (not unlike prostitution), but Chromeo gets more play than some of my Rock discs.
1. The Little Mermaid Original Soundtrack- by Various Artists - Okay, I am a huge fucking Disney dork; I'll be the first one to admit it. I've been listening to this CD over and over the last few weeks, and it will never show up in my BSCA in my column. While I am ashamed of it, I am proud to admit that I know all the words to "Part of Your World" and "Under The Sea." I grew up watching this movie, and I still watch and sing along. Someone with my hard-ass exterior needs to keep this kind of information a secret. Whoops?
Patrick Robinson [The 37th Chamber, The Hip-Hop Herald, Reviewer]
5. Powerballin': by Chingy - How does one justify owning this album? The first line of defense is of course, the fact that somebody bought it for me as a birthday present. There will of course always be issues when relatives who you never see or speak to actually decide to buy you a present one year and obviously have no idea what to get you. Solution? Check out what's hot in their nearest CD store! As you'll end up seeing with my number 1 pick, there isn't even good production on this album to save it from being totally irritating. The only reason I still own it is because of some kind of completionist complex I have and I like to keep gifts, even if they're bad ones. And I've gotten a shoe polish kit for Christmas once.
4. Elephunk: by The Black Eyed Peas - Remember when the BEP used to be good? Yeah so do I. That's why when they came out in 2003 with their first album since 2000, I checked it out. This was also before I really used the Internet to preview music before it first came out, and before I realized that they had permanently added Fergie to their lineup. The result was a truly awful album, filled with cookie-cutter pop-tracks and Fergie, prancing around like a slut in every video except their first ("Where Is The Love?" is very different to most everything else on this album). These days the album spends its time tucked behind a stack of blank CDs and old floppy disks used to install Microsoft Office for Windows 3.1 (of which there are 20 of them).
3. Beg For Mercy: by G-Unit - Riding off the ridiculous success of Get Rich Or Die Tryin' 50 did what all good crew leaders do in hip-hop, and put his group on the map with this album. "Stunt 101" had (in my opinion) catchy production and hook and as my friend who got an advance copy off the Internet told me, the rest of the album did too. Back in 2003, I was heavily into the mainstream music with only splashes of alternate stuff here and there. Having matured my tastes, I can truly stand back and admire this album for being the steaming hot piece of garbage it actually is. When you've listened to producers like DJ Premier chop it up and people like The L.O.X. handle gangsta rap (mostly) well, this album really feels B-grade now.
2. Souljaboytellem.com: by Soulja Boy - What happens when you take a joke too far? Well somebody buys you this album and you start to rethink your boundaries of taking jokes too far. A friend bought me this recently after I showed him the instructional video for "Crank That" and we proceeded to make complete asses out of ourselves trying to do it for a laugh. Well the laugh proceeded and ended with me saying "how funny would it be to actually OWN the album!" Famous last words have never rang truer. Anyway, what's NOT to be embarrassed about with this album? The lead single is corny as hell, Soulja Boy is far from a competent rapper and the lyrical content ranges from repeated references to Sidekicks, Bapes and Superman-ing hoes.
1. Jackpot: by Chingy - Now I actually did buy this album myself, on the same day as the G-Unit album funnily enough. This is when lead singles and admittedly catchy party-orientated production leads to people being sucked in enough to buy the actual album. Considering it went Triple Platinum, I wasn't the only one, but the sting still hurts nevertheless. What does one do with an album of this caliber? Well, I tried to actually upload it into iTunes the other day (I had a really, REALLY strange and insane urge to listen to "Right Thurr" and rap along like an idiot…probably caused by Soulja Boy's presence in my room) and discovered the CD was horribly scratched and no longer works. Naturally, I gave up very fast trying to make it work and I do believe that it, along with the other 4 CDs on my list, are going to end up as birthday presents for one of my younger cousins. I figure, let him find out that there's GOOD hip-hop out there in the world by first listening to the stuff that's terrible.
Dan Marsicano [What The Hell Happened To…, News, Reviewer]
5. St. Anger - by Metallica - Even though I do find some decent qualities in the album, I am still ashamed of having it a part of my collection. Especially when the album is set up alongside my other Metallica albums, it's not even close. St. Anger is an album that you don't tell your friends about when you are talking about Metallica because if you do, you will be ridiculed for the rest of the conversation. Nobody wants that. St. Anger almost made me lose my faith in the band. Hopefully, their next album will renew my faith in the band.
4. Risk - by Megadeth - The title says it all. In 1999, Megadeth took a chance, specifically Dave Mustaine, and released a more commercial album. This commercial album would almost drive the band into obscurity and would be the last album with Marty Friedman. While Megadeth would come back with 2001's The World Needs a Hero, Risk almost destroyed the band. Personally, I'm glad I found it at a used record store for only $4.99. Any more than that and I would have cried after listening to it. Hell, I almost did cry at the waste of money.
3. Results May Vary - by Limp Bizkit - Limp Bizkit is a band that you either love or hate, or really fucking hate. I always enjoyed the band, for the fact that they were a guilty pleasure of mine. I still find myself cranking up Significant Other from time to time. With Results May Vary though, the band lost the best thing that they had going for them; guitarist Wes Borland. Mike Smith was a decent replacement, but not good enough. The songwriting suffered as a result, with Fred sounding tired, worn out, and boring, and the rest of the band following suit. It still sold well, but I think that was based on name value more than anything. The album is pretty bad and pretty much killed any credibility that the band had left.
2. Jock Jams Vol. 4 - by ESPN - Don't ask me when I got this album or why, but somehow, it's in my collection to this day. Whether it was because I was too lazy to sell it or because, in a crazy way, I still wanted it in my collection, Jock Jams Vol. 4 is there and it isn't going away anytime soon. When I was 11, the album was the shit, with all the cool hits of the time, like "Getting' Jiggy With It" and some other crappy rap songs. Now, I just let it collect dust, where it will stay until I am older and I tell my children that yes, we did listen to shit like this, and we enjoyed it.
1. Baby One More Time - by Britney Spears - It was a dark period in my life! I was 11. I didn't know good music from dog shit, and that is how Baby One More Time came into my possession. It can't even be labeled a guilty pleasure; the only thing I feel guilty about is that I liked this album at one point in my life. So yes, even a metal head like myself can admit to dipping into the candy coated pop of the late 90's. Don't worry though, no Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, at least not anymore. Oh god, I've said too much.
Dan Haggerty [Fact or Fiction, The Mosh Pit, News Reporter, Megalomaniac]
5. St. Anger - by Metallica - If you're into metal, you know what this means. Do I like it... Well no. I've been documented on my opinions for this huge bucket full of "What the fuck". But it also completes the collection, so I keep it around. Plus it has a certain charm, kind of a growing cult status as in so bad you just got to pull it out, marvel, and ask "What were they thinking?" Sort of like "Barbarella" for metalheads - So bad it could get its own cult following. Wow, I just compared St. Anger to B-Cult films. I think way too much about music.
4. - In a Metal Mood: No More Mister Nice Guy by Pat Boone - Oh man this is bad. This just isn't Pat Boone covering metal songs, but he reinterprets them into his style. You haven't lived until you have heard background singers going "Whoo-hoo" like a choo-choo train during "Crazy Train". Yes - This is THAT bad. I have yet to be able to finish this blasphemous thing, but yet the novelty keeps it around. Nothing terrorizes a fellow metal fan like popping this bad boy in so they can hear the 1950's lounge version of "Enter Sandman". Completely embarrassing, but yet just so bad it's almost cool.
Almost.
3. The Joshua Tree - by U2 - Why do I find this a bit embarrassing? Well, it's because I'm continually bashing Bono. I mean, I loath that asshat. Actually, people are usually amazed at the sheer number of CD's and records I own (well, me and the wife) that are from the 80's pop and alternative scene. Considering I listen to all kinds of metal, that just doesn't add up. Add to that it's U2 and I've literally called Bono the number one person I'd punch in the face (on the mega awesome music zone podcast!) and it's almost crazy I'd own a CD of theirs.
But separate the music from the band I always say, and I try to live that. This is a good album, but its very presence in my collection is mind boggling when you think about it.
2. Musical Soundtracks - I'm just going to make this a generic category, because it applies to a collection of actual records I own. This is referring to the big era of Hollywood musical productions for the bid screen. Movies like "Singin' In the Rain", " Oklahoma ", "Li'l Abner", "West Side Story", or "Guys and Dolls". Hell, I even have "Grease". These are an example of something you grow up with and just sort of keep with you as you go through life. I don't even play them anymore, more of a memory of a little pre-punter back in the day sitting around on Saturday afternoons watching a matinee with his parents. But the look from people, while Nile is blasting in the background I might add, who check out the records (that's vinyl folks!) I own and stumble upon "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" is priceless. Head cocked sideways, "WTF" expression… Embarrassing: Yes; but then again, I think I would rather chew off an arm then lose those memories. Besides, Gene Kelly owns today's pop stars. Own I say!
1. Gold - by ABBA - Oh god - It's cheesy, it's poppy, its dated, its... its... its ABBA. Yes, I the extreme elitist, the man with more albums containing corpsepaint than probably everyone on staff combined, has ABBA in the collection. It's just so damn catchy, it plays ear worms with your head until you play the damn hits! I could say the Swedes looked hot, or blame my parents, but the honest truth is that this is just infectious fun.
Didn't I say sometimes you have to sit back and have fun... Well that spells ABBA. Simple beats. Simple rhythms. Catchy choruses. It's almost cookie cutter in the way it approaches music as an art, because it doesn't pretend to be art. Maybe that's the secret; it's so simple it's honest. But what is totally embarrassing is that some of the albums on my list I can blame on being collectible, or I play it once in a while for nostalgia. But ABBA, sweet Iommi help me I like them. I've sought treatment, but rehab just doesn't work. I always have to go back to those damn catchy disco era pop beats and happy choruses... "Baby I'm still free, take a chance on me..."
Don't look at me that way - I was once like you!!! *sob*
HONORABLE MENTION: All David Bowie albums I have from the 80's and 90's that aren't Scary Monsters.
5. Wolfmother – by Wolfmother - Two years seems like so long ago. My love of all things Sabbath is probably to blame for my initial overexcitement towards this band. Their EP was good, but all the prog elements were lost under the watchful eye of a company producer. The way the band was pushed by its label, it was difficult to avoid this album in Australia, and it's been a long time since I've bothered to listen to it.
4. A Guide to Love, Loss and Desperation – by The Wombats - To be fair, I didn't purchase this album. It was imparted to me by a more perceptive friend. Initially I mistook them to be the far superior and completely dissimilar band The Format. A costly mistake. So much on this album infuriates me, with its sickening pandering to its preferred audience; armies of young wastes of space, bemoaning their lot in life. Here's a tip; pick a better mascot.
3. Take Off Your Pants & Jacket – by Blink 182 - At least I had enough insight to realize this was the last straw. By now, the only thing interesting about this band was a song about fucking a dog in the ass. And when I say interesting, I mean mildly comical. When sung with friends. In hindsight, it wasn't the best song to sing in public.
2. St. Anger – by Metallica - They fooled me something good. Perhaps it was blind admiration that led me to expect something great of Metallica's "comeback" album. Unfortunately all that transpired was a massive indication that Metallica stopped listening to the genre they named themselves after years ago. Every time I hear that damn Pepsi-can-underwater snare, violent shocks shoot through my brain. I wonder how they intend to follow this.
1. Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water – by Limp Bizkit - Not a surprise by any means, but if there's one album sitting in my collection that I'd be horrified for someone to stumble across, it's this. The last remnant of my early fascination with whatever was popular at the time, just looking at this album again made me queasy. To think that all I may have ever gotten out of this purchase was exposure to Method Man. And resentment. You can never forget resentment.
HONORABLE MENTION: None that I am prepared to share… I have been traumatized enough already!
5. Silver Side Up – by Nickelback - No one likes to admit that they were sucked into a fad, especially when the world wakes up one day and realizes that the fan was absolutely idiotic. Think of it this way, in the 70's, everyone and their dog got in on the pet rock phase, as evidenced by the millions and millions of dollars that the "inventor" of said rock raked in. Before long, the world came out of the fog and went "Hey! We are paying money for a stupid rock!" That is how I feel about Nickelback. I have come to terms with the fact that I was suckered in, but instead of dropping a buck or two on a painted rock, I purchased this CD for about $15. Now that we are a few years removed, I think I would rather own a pet rock or two.
4. Welcome Interstate Managers – by Fountains of Wayne - I can't believe that I fell for this album. Not only was the band a one hit wonder, but they were also a one hit wonder with gimmicky 80's sound. Still, somehow, I felt as though I should purchase this charming little disc, and I haven't forgiven myself since. I know for a fact that I have listened to the entire album once or twice, to give it a fair shake, but the music is so mindless and bland, I forget everything about as soon as it ends. Well, everything except freaking "Stacy's Mom."
3. Sugar Ray – by Sugar Ray - Peer pressure can be a horrible thing can't it? It has driven many to drink, do drugs, and be involved in gangs. In my case, it lead me to owning this little piece of crap. Many of my peers had fallen under the spell of the sickeningly sweet pop melodies of this "rock band," and that pesky teenage desire to fit in pushed me to check these guys out. After all, everyone else loved them, that must mean they are good right? Good lord was I wrong. I believe the last time I saw this album was right as I sailed it off of my apartment balcony like a Frisbee. Oddly enough, I am fairly sure I got more enjoyment out of it that way than when I actually listened to it.
2. The Great Divide – by Scott Stapp - Before you lose all faith in my taste in music forever, I beg you, please here me out. My wife and I were walking through the local mall one afternoon when we saw that the Sam Goody's music store was going out of business. Signs were posted saying that the most expensive album was something like five bucks. We hurried in to the store and jockeyed for position with everyone else frantically digging through the leftovers in hopes of finding a quality CD at a steal. I did find a few gems that day, and a couple of other clunkers, but with most of them costing about $2.50, why not give them a shot right? So over to the side there was a stack of albums that no one was looking at, and I was puzzled by this! I had to know why no one was checking out these CD's. Amidst all of the chaos, there sat about two dozen copies of Scott Stapp's solo CD. At first, I chuckled to myself, but then I started to feel bad for Stapp. After all, I didn't hate Creed as much as the next guy, and I thought that the band had gotten a bad wrap. So, after seeing that the price tag read $1.19, I decided to purchase this record.
At the unbelievably low cost of $1.19, I still felt as though I had been ripped off. No wonder no one would touch this disc, it was horrible!!! As time passed, I started to feel dirty that I even owned the thing, as though I had betrayed the forefathers of rock and roll by spending a dime on this heresy. I even tried giving it away to a friend of mine that was a Creed fanatic. (We try to love him in spite of his poor taste.) Of course, he already owned a copy. So now, I keep it hidden away, hoping to protect the world from it.
The moral of the story you ask? The moral is, purchasing music because you feel sorry for the artist is a poor idea. All it does is encourage the "artist" to continue making his or her "art," and you end up with a crappy CD.
1. Broadway Musicals - I must admit, this is a very hard one to share with the world. It is a different kind of embarrassed when compared to the rest of my list. I am not ashamed because the albums are not worthy to be owned and cherished, because quite the opposite is true. Rather I am just a little self conscious of the fact that as soon as a guy admits that he loves Musicals he is essentially giving up his manhood, at least in the eyes of the general public. After all, which musicals are okay for a macho guy to publicly admit liking? Sweeny Todd is okay, but only because it's got blood. Tommy is cool, because it was written by The Who and has lots of real rock stars in it. That pretty much ends the list.
There is so much more to the genre, so many more amazing musical moments that can be experienced. From the classics like Singing in the Rain and South Pacific to the more modern gems like The Producers and Spring Awakening, there are countless shows that are full to brim with amazing music that would put most popular music to shame.
So here I am, declaring my love for musical theater, judge me if you wish.
There you have it. We have bared our souls and secrets to you all. Are you happy now?!? Actually, I feel much better, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe we should start a support group together, especially for all of the guys that put St. Anger in their Top 5, which takes the prize for most mentions, which is not such a good thing this time around.
Now that we have set our demons free, feel free to do the same. I'd love to know what other albums embarrass their owners. (It helps me feel less alone in my errors.)
Join us back here again next week as our talented list of writers takes on another Top 5 list for you all. Next week we'll be checking in with our Top 5 Most Influential Albums.
The Little Mermaid Soundtrack? Britney Spears? BWAHAHAHA. I know you guys got a
Will Smith cd somewhere. No but really it took alot of guts to make this list
good shit guys. By the way all I had to hear was the single St. Anger to not
buy that piece of crap that Metallica made.
Posted By: JM (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 12:26 AM
o.k. i might be 8 beers into the night (and many more to come hopefully) but
fountains of wayne have never pretended to be something they are not...they are
simply a pop rock band, take it or leave it...that disc is great, wheather its
"hey julie" or "bright future in sales"...so that disc is
actually really good if you are into that stuff...there is no excuse for
britney spears however
Posted By: josh (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 12:53 AM
I identify the most with Dan "The Man" Marsicano. Back in the day i
had no satellite or computer. All i knew was what was on the radio. Needless to
say, i had lots of shit cassettes. From Backstreet to Kid Rock, i had it all.
when we switched to the "new" cd format i kept the shit train rollin
by buying Big Willy Style and some Eminem. I moved on to Hip Hop for about a
year. Got Satellite, discovered rock. Punk Rock for about 2 months, Nu Metal
for about 3 years. Got the internet, got into grunge. Never been happier.
By the way: Worst Album i've owned. The Silver Lining by Soul Asylum.
I guess liking that one song a while back is not a good enough reason to buy a
cd.
Posted By: steveo (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 02:40 AM
Dear God, Blake. Not even for 1.19 would I buy the Scott Stapp CD. My wife
loves Creed and I STILL wouldn't buy that CD.
Posted By: Frank (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 09:04 AM
james palm is gay i love all those albums excrpt4. A Guide to Love, Loss and
Desperation – by The Wombats
Posted By: xdas (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 03:50 PM
I'm not going to judge you but I'm not imbarrased to be a nickelback fan. Silver
Side up though isn't their best album, (I know Nickleback sucks, I like their
lyrics). Nickleback was at their prefabricated uninnovative best with "The
Long Road"
Posted By: Davy (Guest) on May 06, 2008 at 06:24 PM
Man, you shouldn't be embarrassed about owning The Slim Shady LP, that album is
awesome.
Posted By: paul (Guest) on May 07, 2008 at 12:53 AM
The Slim Shady LP was and still is the shit!!!!
Posted By: jabab (Guest) on May 07, 2008 at 02:58 AM
I prefer the Marshall Mathers LP over the Slim Shady album but there's nothing
embarrassing about the album itself necessarily, rather it's not the type of
music that Ben listens to anymore
Posted By: Patrick Robinson (Registered) on May 07, 2008 at 05:48 AM
charlamagne tha god has a youtube video with the Top 5 things to do with a
Chingy cd, get creative haha
Posted By: Guest#2837 (Guest) on May 08, 2008 at 12:21 PM
hahhaha I've seen that vid! But yeah...I'm not gonna be wiping my ass with a cd
anytime soon...I figure it'd hurt like hell
Posted By: Patrick Robinson (Registered) on May 10, 2008 at 08:22 PM
