Quick ‘n’ Dirty Music News: 09.19.08

Posted by Mitch Michaels on 09.19.2008

The Quick N Dirty gets a real live FEMALE co-host as Mitch and Brittany talk Madonna and Guy Ritchie's sex life, NKOTB, TRL, Billboard’s Top 10 All-Time singles, why Slipknot hates new music, R. Kelly and underage girls, Britney news, the Alicia Keys/Swizz Beatz Love Triangle and more, plus chart news and Katharine McPhee is our Piece of the Week!

And we're back.

Thanks to all you fine readers who have waited patiently over the last couple of weeks as the Quick ‘n' Dirty got its shit together. I'd blame school work, but I'm 28 years old. How about we just blame it on the rain? It works for gas prices.

TOPICAL!

Anyway, after a couple of weeks of fuck all, the QnD is back and with a BIG change. You see, as the 411 Music editor, I know you're constantly needing to evolve. For proof, just check out this week's Mosh Pit. But the QnD has done more than evolve – it's gained two X chromosomes.

That's right kids. Beginning today, the Friday Flagship begins an era of female perspective, as we welcome our new co-host Brittany.

Treat her kindly. Or not. She can take it. She reviewed that New Kids On The Block CD. She doesn't mind pain.

So without further adieu, let's get to it.

It's quick, it's dirty, it's news.



STAND BY…FOR NEWS!

All news items are from 411 Music's newswire:

Brittany's Dirty News

Well, hello there! My name is Brittany and I will be your co-pilot on the quick and dirty adventure you are about to partake. Mitch asked for some well needed help so I charged him a couple of sexual favors and here I am!

Get ready for take off because it's gonna be quick, and very dirty.

Speaking of Quick 'n' Dirty, Guy Ritchie is a two-pump chump. That's right, not even a minute man, but a four second man.

"It's over in four seconds. Best type of sex that."

Now I am not surprised why Madonna keeps jumping on A-Rod's cock.

R. Kelly is back in the news acting a fool in a recent BET interview where I think he tries to sound like a retard just to throw people off, and make them believe he's not a pedophile who likes long walks on the beach and giving the most golden of showers.

I am not asking you to read the entire next paragraph but I urge you to do so because it is probably one of the best things I've read:

Toure: Let me ask you something real that millions of Americans are thinking about and wondering about you. Do you like teenage girls?

Kelly: When you say teenage, how old are we talking?

Toure: Girls who are teenagers.

Kelly: 19?

Toure: 19 and younger.

Kelly: I have some 19-year-old friends, but I don't like anybody illegal if that's what we're talking about, underage.

Toure: Some of the people who've worked with you have said there's an issue here. Your former manager has said publicly there's an issue of concern here. Your brother Carey has said there's an issue of concern here.

Kelly: Issue of concern? What do you mean when you say issue of concern?

Toure: They said that they're concerned that you like underage girls.

Kelly: Let me put it to you this way, man. It's unfortunate that people who don't work for me says that the people that do work for me don't say that, and the people who don't work for me were fired. If you have someone work for you and they're mad 'cause they're not working for you anymore and used to getting a certain amount of money or a certain amount of fame because they work for you, because you're famous, and all of a sudden they mess you around and you let them go -- anything that comes up about you, they're gonna run and say, "Yeah, he did that to me! I knew this, too, about him." But you really can't, you know -- I don't want you, I want my fans: Do not list to the people that was fired. Don't even listen to the people that was hired. Listen to the facts, and get into what you think and make your own opinion. If you're gonna have an opinion about me, have your own opinion of what you think about me. What you definitely don't do is go by somebody that was fired and mad and pissed off about you because they were fired.

Toure: But your brother Carey was not fired. He's your brother.

Kelly: He was fired.

Toure: But he's still your brother.

Kelly: Doesn't matter. He's still my brother, but if he's so my brother [then] why'd he get fired?

Toure: Why did he get fired?

Kelly: I can't get into that. ..



Fucking priceless.

DING DONG TRL IS DEAD!

After ten monotonous years of being on MTV they finally decide to kill whatever was left of "Total Request Live". I am really going to miss all of the tweens gleeking out their braces and onto the camera giving shoutouts to god knows who, then requesting the worst popular song on the radio at the time. It is going to be a real loss. Do these kids' parents know they aren't at school? Okay, I'm ranting.

I am just surprised, because I was pretty sure this show has been cancelled for a while now. But to be honest, even though Carson Daly wasn't on the show anymore for awhile, I really am going to miss seeing how coked out he was every day.



Pink is making a comeback with her new song "So What". Pink's motocross and tattoo shop owner ex-husband is in the video while she is signing about how much she hates him. Does anyone else think Pink is a bad ass? I would love to just sit and smoke a bowl with that chick. She is obviously cool enough to still talk to the ex and have him in her video. That's crazy. And ballsy.

No?

New Kids on the Block came out with a new album called The Block. After 20 years of forgotten fame, they come back and try to reclaim their title as cheesy boy band and are doing a pretty good job. The album made it nearly to the top of the charts and then people listened to it, and it plummeted as fast as it rose.

Sorry kids.


Mitch's Quick News

Corey Taylor from Slipknot says the music industry is in the shitter because the record labels hire crappy bands. Taylor remarked, "I don't buy new music 'cause it all sucks. Okay, there's a handful of bands that I buy, but other than that, I just buy old shit because old shit is good." Taylor then spent a few minutes telling the reporter about some good records to pick up.


While searching Corey Taylor, I found a picture of a hot chick named Simone Simons from a Dutch band called Epica. You're welcome.




Billboard released their Top 10 singles of all time, based on historical chart figures. "The Twist" by Chubby Checker was #1. "Macarena" was #5. "Macarena" was #5. "Macarena" was #5. Is that sinking in yet? Of all the songs ever released in the history of popular music, there are only FOUR FUCKING SONGS that people have liked more. I don't even have anything funny to say here. I'm flabbergasted.

When asked for comment, Rafael Ruíz of Los del Rio responded, "I guess people just love a good clave. Now, can I please take your order, sir? I'm closing tonight." Too bad those endorsement deals never worked out.


Fans who ponied up $125 for the box set edition of the new Metallica album in the UK were surprised to find that the box was missing the actual CD of the album. Oddly enough, the same thing happened with St. Anger, but no one complained.

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together, but not TOGETHER together, according to Pamela. Anderson says she's living with Tommy because she's busy building three new homes right now, including an eco-friendly place in the Middle East. Once those tits get over there, I give Muslimism another three years, tops.


Famous composer Andrew Lloyd Webber announced this weekend that he would be working diligently on a "Phantom Of The Opera" sequel, called "Love Never Dies". Hollywood has already optioned the rights, though the script got a punch-up treatment. Expect the film to hit theaters next Halloween.


Britney Spears reclaimed her crown as Most Searched Person for 2008. Paris Hilton beat her out last year. Personally, I've never searched for Britney, seeing as how she's force fed to us by every form of media out there.

Ahem.

Speaking of Britney, her new album, Circus, is due by Christmas. Ex-husband Kevin Federline also made news this week when he told Paris Hilton to stay away from Spears, not wanting his two children's mother to fall back into a party lifestyle. K-Fed was overheard saying, "You think I can raise these damn kids on Blackout alimony?!? We need a hit!"

Rumor has it that Alicia Keys is the cause of hip-hop producer Swizz Beatz' pending divorce. Swizz is currently married to R&B singer Mashonda. The way the gossip reads, it seems that Swizz and Mashonda were separated when Alicia Keys got in the picture. Sort of like what happened to Reba and Brock and Barbara Jean. Oh, did you guys watch "Reba"? Top show on the CW till the motherfuckers cancelled it. Forced it out just like SmackDown! Anyway, if Mashonda had kicked Swizz to the curb already, who can blame him for getting all up in that. But I'll let you guys decide. Here's a pictorial comparison.




Amy Winehouse' husband Black Fielder-Civil refused an early release from prison this week because he would be forced to live with his mother and be inside by 7 PM. Either this guy really hates his mom or really loves anal rape. You be the judge!

In an interview with BET this week, R. Kelly stated for the record that he does not like underage girls. He then disappeared into his recording studio for thirty minutes with the reporter's 15-year old daughter. The reporter commented, "Nah, it's fine. She's a big music fan. He said he was just going to lay down some vocals and….oh maaaan! R. Kelly got me again, didn't he?" Luckily, R. Kelly knew of a good home method for removing urine stains from a Jonas Brothers T-shirt.

The Who have put their anticipated covers album on hold because producer T-Bone Burnett is on tour with Robert Plant & Alison Krauss. So this Plant/Krauss thing has effectively fucked up TWO big classic rock reunions. And that video for "Gone, Gone, Gone" is God awful.

And finally, 50 Cent has come out and said that Eminem's new album will be amazing, despite the fact that it's yet to be recorded. At least, I think that's what he was talking about. It's kind of hard to understand him with all of the echo coming off the walls of Eminem's ass.

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MITCH'S TOP 10
1982

I come up with this new feature a while back where I'm going to be looking at my favorite albums and songs from each year, beginning with 1979, the year I was born.

It's pretty straight forward – I'll pick my Top 10 singles and Top 5 albums of that year. If I miss anything important, let me know!

(Oh, and for more 80's goodness, check out this week's Music Top 5.)

Mitch's Top 10 Singles Of 1982
1	Hank Williams Jr.	"A Country Boy Can Survive"
2	George Thorogood & The Destroyers	"Bad To The Bone"
3	Journey	"Don't Stop Believin'"
4	John Cougar	"Hurts So Good"
5	Willie Nelson	"Always On My Mind"
6	Joan Jett & The Blackhearts	"I Love Rock ‘n' Roll"
7	Conway Twitty	"Slow Hand"
8	Soft Cell	"Tainted Love"
9	Tommy Tutone	"867-5309/Jenny"
10	Ronnie Milsap	"Any Day Now"

Mitch's Top 5 Albums Of 1982
1	Misfits	Walk Among Us
2	Bruce Springsteen	Nebraska
3	Eagles	Greatest Hits, Volume 2
4	Michael Jackson	Thriller
5	Aerosmith	Rock In A Hard Place

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NEW RELEASES FOR SEPTEMBER 23, 2008

WHAT EVERYONE WILL BUY:

Pussycat Dolls - Doll Domination - This week seemed like a placeholder week for the Top 10 until the new PCD was announced. "When I Grow Up" is a Top 10 hit and there's a big tour planned for early '09. Despite some solid music being released Tuesday, PCD is really the only event.

WHAT WILL BE NUMBER ONE:
Well, this week's was an easy clincher: no matter what people say or even what the band does – Metallica ALWAYS sales. Death Magnetic moved nearly 500,000 copies in its first week to grab #1. (And it's really fucking good, as evidenced by our reviews). That number outdoes St. Anger, which is a rarity in today's market – topping your last album. Jessica Simpson's country debut landed at #4, but with only about half the sales of her last album. Some could pinpoint her turn to country music, but I say it's because she's not going through a divorce this time. That, and honestly – WHAT ARE JESSICA'S HIT SONGS??? LL Cool J also found a spot on the Top 10 at #9, with some disappointing sales (44k). I'm declaring this to be LL's last Top 10 spot.

As for this week, nothing should be able to beat Metallica, especially considering they were only three days in for last week. Buckcherry will no doubt score some Top 10 love for the first time in their career. Ne-Yo will be the biggest contender to the throne, but this record has been delayed so much I think people lost track. No #1 single yet, either. Same goes for Nelly. With Raphael Saadiq also threatening a Top 10 debut, it could be a big cleaning out week.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY:

There's always something worth buying in the New Release section. Here are my picks:

Kings Of Leon - Only By The Night - I am THIIIIS close to giving up on Kings Of Leon. They've got the buzz of a big name band, but no one actually buys their records. I bought Aha Shake Heartbreak and didn't care for it, but the stuff I heard from Because Of The Times has been solid. This'll be their make or break album, for me and perhaps the whole industry.

TV On The Radio - Dear Science - Return To Cookie Mountain was one of the most hailed albums of 2006, and "Wolf Like Me" was a great track. The early stuff I've heard from Science sounds like it won't disappoint. In fact, check that out our TV On The Radio contest and hear the new song for yourself.

Old Crow Medicine Show - Tennessee Pusher - Definitely interested. If you haven't heard OCMS, they're an amped up bluegrass band with a great live show. TN Pusher was produced by legendary classic rock producer Don Was, so it should sound spot on. Let's hope the capture the stage energy in the studio.

WHAT'S HOT ON THE DIAL?

Billboard has about a million charts, so each week I'm gonna round up the #1s from each format. That way, no matter WHAT station you flip to when not using your presets, you'll be aware of what you might hear. Newly crowned #1s are in bold:

CHART	SINGLE	WEEKS
POP
HOT 100	T.I. – "Whatever You Like"	5
HOT 100 AIRPLAY	Chris Brown – "Forever"	17
POP 100	Rihanna – "Disturbia"	14
POP 100 AIRPLAY	Chris Brown – "Forever"	21
MAINSTREAM TOP 40	Chris Brown – "Forever"	19
HOT SINGLES SALES	Metallica – "The Day That Never Comes"	1
BUBBLING UNDER HOT 100 SINGLES	Mario – "Music For Love"	10
DIGITAL
HOT DIGITAL SONGS	Pink – "So What"	3
HOT DIGITAL TRACKS	Pink – "So What"	3
HOT RINGTONES	Grupo Montez De Durango – "Adios Amor Te Vas"	86
R&B/HIP HOP
HOT R&B/HIP HOP AIRPLAY	Jazmine Sullivan – "Need U Bad"	18
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SONGS	Jazmine Sullivan – "Need U Bad"	20
HOT RAP TRACKS	T.I. – "Whatever You Like"	7
MAINSTREAM R&B/HIP-HOP	T.I. – "Whatever You Like"	7
HOT ADULT R&B AIRPLAY	Eric Benet – "You're The Only One"	19
RHYTHMIC TOP 40	Lil Wayne feat. T-Pain – "Got Money"	N/A
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SINGLES SALES	Cleer – "So Good"	5
COUNTRY
HOT COUNTRY SONGS	Jimmy Wayne – "Do You Believe Me Now"	25
ROCK
HOT MAINSTREAM ROCK TRACKS	Metallica – "The Day That Never Comes"	3
TRIPLE A	Counting Crows – "Come Around"	13
HOT MODERN ROCK TRACKS	Staind – "Believe"	11
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
HOT ADULT TOP 40 TRACKS	Coldplay – "Viva La Vida"	16
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY TRACKS	Leona Lewis – "Bleeding Love"	23
CHRISTIAN
HOT CHRISTIAN SONGS	Brandon Heath – "Give Me Your Eyes"	13
HOT CHRISTIAN ADULT CONTEMPORARY	MercyMe – "You Reign"	14
DANCE
HOT DANCE CLUB PLAY	Erin Hamilton – "Control Yourself"	12
HOT DANCE AIRPLAY	Rihanna – "Disturbia"	7
HOT DANCE SINGLES SALES	M.I.A. – "Paper Planes"	26
INTERNATIONAL
HOT LATIN SONGS	Luis Fonsi – "No Me Doy Por Vencido"	10
EUROPEAN HOT 100 SINGLES	Katy Perry – "I Kissed A Girl"	8
EURO DIGITAL SONGS	Katy Perry – "I Kissed A Girl"	8
CANADIAN HOT 100	Pink – "So What"	4
JAPAN HOT 100	Hanabi – "Mr. Children"	0
RECURRENTS
HOT 100 RECURRENT AIRPLAY	Sara Bareilles – "Love Song"	4
HOT SINGLES RECURRENTS	3 Doors Down – "It's Not My Time"	1
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENT AIRPLAY	Ne-Yo – "Closer"	1
HOT R&B/HIP HOP RECURRENTS	Ne-Yo – "Closer"	1
HOT COUNTRY RECURRENTS	Keith Anderson – "I Still Miss You"	1
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY RECURRENTS	Jordin Sparks – "Tatoo"	1

MUSICAL PIECE OF THE WEEK

Ex-American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee put on a lowcut dress and made news at Fashion Week this weekend. (Don't worry, the pics are here). See ladies, it's not hard to enter these hallowed halls. Just make a little effort to wear a little less. Here's a pictorial tribute to a girl we wouldn't mind writing a "Love Story" with. Katharine McPhee is our Quick ‘n' Dirty Piece Of The Week!













THE END

Hope you all had fun. Be sure to drop us a line on what you liked, didn't, etc.

Keep your ears to the ground.