Under the Scalpel 11.20.08: Nickelback, Jazmine Sullivan & Matt Nathanson

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 11.20.2008

Nickelback's cock rock needs a some Viagra, Jazmine Sullivan lets her man know she's pissed and Matt Nathanson pleads for some torrid make-up sex.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. For three free tracks that will rock your panties off, check out www.asimplecomplex.com

Nickelback – Gotta Be Somebody
Crossover Cock Rock Hit Needs Viagra

Poser-rock giants Nickelback have returned with yet another mainstream rock ballad that will get both your father and kid sister pumping their fists. Their new album's lead single, "Gotta Be Somebody," bursts forth with the band's familiar homogenized sound, leaving their Russell Brand-chastising fans starry-eyed and their critics yawning.

The track is four minutes of watered-down post-grunge created using the band's tried-and-true formula previously applied to earlier pop hits "Photograph," "If Everyone Cared," and "How You Remind Me." Producer Mutt Lange adds an old Def Leppard feel borrowed from such Aquanet-laced songs of yesteryear as "Armageddon It" and "Stand Up (Kick Love into Motion)."

The song delicately balances its loud-but-simplistic rock guitar hooks with light melodies and bland percussion. This allows the band to cash in with several different audiences, efficaciously registering on Billboard's Hot 100, Mainstream Rock Tracks, Modern Rock Tracks, and Adult Top 40 charts.

While reading the lyrics, I thought for a moment that I had accidentally clicked on a song written for Celine Dion. Lead Singer Chad Kroeger's voice cracks with a forced overwhelming emotion as he delivers the song's opening lines, "I wonder what it feels like to find... the one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough..."

As the song progresses, he starts to lay it on thick. "I'll be waiting for the real thing. I'll know it by the feeling," he moans, "I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end; until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with."

Chad wraps up this schmaltzy rock number by hinting at a potential happily-ever-after. "Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight… me standing here with you... the one that I'll spend forever with?"

Unsurprisingly, Chad chose not to include any useful information in this song, like how to effectively pass the time while waiting for that special someone to magically appear. He did however let Playboy Magazine in on his secret earlier this year. "I put my own dick in my mouth," Chad explained, "It was soft and required a lot of pulling."

Now that's the most rock and roll thing to roll off of this guy's tongue yet!

Nickelback's "Gotta Be Somebody" is heavily battered in sap, broiled in overproduction and served on a bed of cheese with plenty of saltpeter on top. If you're looking for a well-sanitized power ballad for your daughter's purity ball, this song will fit nicely between Bon Jovi and Lifehouse.

But if bands like 3 Doors Down, Default, and Theory of a Deadman make you want to wretch, then avoid exposure to this aural ipecac at all costs.

Jazmine Sullivan – Bust Your Windows
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

Author Geno Zanetti once wrote, "Defacing a man's ride is akin to raping his virgin daughter." When a man invests in a sweet ride, it becomes more than a mode of transportation. It is a status symbol, a fashion statement and a cherished companion. Seeing his car vandalized ignites a fury of negative emotions comparable to the shock of discovering your lover in bed with another partner.

This concept is the inspiration behind Jazmine Sullivan's second single, "Bust Your Windows". Sullivan, a graduate of the Philadelphia High School for Creative and Performing Arts, offers an urban version of Carrie Underwood's country anthem "Before He Cheats," detailing how her unfaithful man's vehicle paid the price for his selfish indiscretion.

"I bust the windows out your car after I saw you laying next to her," Sullivan informs her man, using an inner-city dialect that allows for bending the rules of grammar.

She is fully aware that she hasn't chosen the most prudent method for dealing with her suffering. "You'll probably say that it was juvenile," she admits. However, she makes it quite clear that she feels no remorse, "I'm glad I did it… I had to do something to make you hurt."

As for the damage toll, Sullivan lets her man off somewhat easy. Carrie Underwood's revenge included carving the leather seats, slashing the tires, keying the body and introducing the headlights to a Louisville Slugger. Sullivan simply took a crowbar to the windows and engraved her initials on the car's exterior. "You should feel lucky that that's all I did after five whole years of this bullshit," she declares.

Sullivan's lyrics are not clever or profound. Instead, they sound like an excerpt from a Dear John letter. A lyric like, "You broke my heart so I broke your car," is patently literal and sounds as if it were extracted from an irate teenager's diary. "Yeah, I did it. You should know it. I ain't sorry. You deserved it," is not particularly artistic verse either.

Her voice, however, gives good reason to love this song, fusing the power of Mariah Carey, the soul of Lauryn Hill and the attitude of Missy Elliot (one of the album's executive producers) into a brawny alto that is sensual, bold and elegant. I strongly suggest listening to this track to hear Sullivan's vocals, even if for nothing else.

Producer Salaam Remi (The Fugees, Amy Winehouse, Nas) provides an original composition consisting mainly of stringed instruments that gives this song an icy cool orchestral score that floats pleasantly on top of a sultry tango rhythm.

Despite the song's overly simple lyrics, Sullivan's incredible vocals emote heartache with powerful prowess and audacious attitude, and the music is captivating. Be sure to add this track to your pop music mix.

On a side note, for anyone who is disappointed that Sullivan isn't seen smashing car windows in the song's music video, head over to YouTube and watch the music video for En Vogue's song "Riddle" for pure sledgehammer satisfaction.

Matt Nathanson – Come On Get Higher
Melancholy Ballad Functions As Beguiling Aphrodisiac

After years of flying under the radar, Singer-songwriter Matt Nathanson has managed to get the attention of pop culture with his latest single, "Come On Get Higher," a bittersweet acoustic pop number that is capable of getting any warm-blooded female in the mood for a romantic reconciliation.

Through a clever use of lyrical tapestry, Matt expresses his tale of regret and loneliness using poetry that sounds clean enough to play while your grandmother is in the room. Yet his words can also be interpreted as an ardent plea for forgiveness – and torrid make-up sex.

For example, "I miss the sound of your voice – the loudest thing in my head" sounds fairly innocent initially. This could be easily construed as an explanation about how past conversations replay in his mind. However, if one instead envisions the lips of his former lover letting out noises of passion right next to his ear, the lyric takes on an entirely different meaning.

The song is full of lascivious innuendo. The song's alluring chorus, "Come on get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips," might be associated with the excitement of dancing and kissing. But, if theorizing that the singer is actually repeating words spoken once by his straddling lover, "Come on get higher," and "loosen my lips" paint a far more graphic picture, as does the "swing of your hips."

When the song reaches climax, so do Matt and his partner – depending on how you place punctuation. The casual listener will likely interpret the song's bridge as, "I see angels and devils and God. When you come on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Aaah." Perhaps it's just the pervert in me showing through, but I hear this line as, "I see angels and devils. And, God! When you come! ... Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! HOLD ON!! AHHHHHH!!"

Or maybe I just need a cold shower.

The song is memorable in that it contains an abundance of vivid, picturesque lyrics, such as "Pull me down hard and drown me in love," and "I taste the sparks on your tongue." Regrettably, Matt also includes a few overused clichés. Tired phrases like "If I could walk on water" and "make you believe, make you forget" come off sounding corny, as they are generally reserved for use in formulaic songs performed by corporately-owned boy bands.

The song's dulcet melody is tender and charming, able to provide any room with a warm and romantic atmosphere, but unfortunately it's hardly original. The song's primary melodic line is dangerously similar to the one heard in the Dave Matthews Band song "Crash into Me." However, unless you feel the songs are too parallel, chances are that if you like "Crash Into Me," you will enjoy "Come On Get Higher" as well.

So, if you want to play the hero tonight, extend a personal invitation to your past, present or potential future lover for an evening of soft swaying as this and other sentimental ditties play softly around your wine glasses. In the words of a popular Internet cartoon character known for typing with red boxing gloves, "You've got the potential here to get to first, second, and quite possibly even third base."

Now if y'all excuse me, I need to go fill a bathtub with some ice cubes.