[Paul Hollingsworth]
Honorable Mentions: Every Norwegian black/death metal band ever. This genre is completely bankrupt, in ideas and musicianship. We get it: you love Satan, hate God, and think you're modern day pagan Viking warriors or whatever. Stealing names from Tolkein, Norse mythology and adding Latin suffixes doesn't count as groundbreakingly clever, either.
5. Panic! At The Disco - The only time I would ever panic is at the disco if I found myself in one. It's not clever, especially now, when very few people even remember what discos were like. Unfortunately, I do remember and there's not a happy memory to be found.
4. Queensryche - I have a soft spot for a lot of 80s metal bands, and Queensryche was one of the few which didn't totally disappear at the dawn of grunge. But the name? The first time I heard it, back on their '84 debut, The Warning, I thought maybe they were some sort of Queen cover band. Also there's the whole Hitler situation, which sort of killed the whole 'reich' thing no matter how ungrammatically you spell it.
3. Limp Bizkit - My personal vision of hell is having to listen to this band for all eternity. Bad songs, inane lyrics, idiotic name…at least there's truth in the advertising. If you buy Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water at least you should be prepared for getting shat upon.
2. 50 Cent - While not technically a band, and barely a musician, 50 cent as a name isn't worth the paper it's printed on. I suppose if you say you're 50 cent, no one can really blame you for never getting their money's worth. I guess drink coasters which used to be 50 cent CDs are worth about two quarters.
1. Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin - Lots of indie band names are full of self-important smugness, but this band name really takes the cake. The music isn't so bad, but if you ever go to one of their concerts, would you tell all your friends, 'Yeah, I'm going to see Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin,' or would you instead say, 'yeah, I'm going to see S.S.L.U.B.Y," or simply, 'I'm going to see Yeltsin.?' The name is too drenched in hipster douche-baggery for its own good.
[Ric Switzer]
5. Rainbow Butt Monkeys - (Now Finger 11) - This former band name has cracked me up since the first time I read about it online, while doing research on Finger 11's album Greyest of Blue Skies. I've enclosed a music video of their song "Circles" for your viewing "pleasure". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0lVjky2roU
4.Bathtub Shitter - I'd like to go on record saying that I absolutely detest modern Grindcore, and Relapse Records Japanese quartet are one of the main reasons why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33mWJLxK_oE
3. Vampire Mooose - I absolutely LOVE this band but first picked up their album based solely on the hilarity of their name. Their drummer Eric Baudendistel had this to say on the bands moniker, "A Vampire Mooose is the meanest thing you could ever encounter." http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=30799478
2. Scary Kids Scaring Kids - The name alone makes me want to punch these "dudes" in their vaginas, not to mention the fact that their music has the appeal of a deep rectal itch. Listening to this band for too long may result in a craving to wear your sisters pants, a decrease in personal hygiene, and a desire to be romantic with a heroin addicted man named Clyde.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28HcOWKun-4
1. xShark Punchx - Yet again, another band (consisting entirely of 1 dude) that I absolutely adore, but does indeed have an incredibly stupid name. The great thing about SP is that the entire set up is to poke fun at the genre of tough guy hardcore, which is executed so brilliantly that they've become staples of many hardcore fans collections.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1jLf-FbaLA
[Aarón Mayagoitia]
5. Panic! At the Disco - Of all the obnoxious emo band names, this has got to be the most stupid. So what if there's panic at the disco? Get the fuck out and shut up already! This entry could've also fit if the list weren't about stupid names of bands but names of bands that are stupid.
4. Less Than Jake: More than Tom, not quite as much as Tony… Who cares? They really should've saved some time to think about a better name for their band instead of relying on a comparison with a spoiled dog.
3. Jimmy Eat World: This is what happens when toddlers are involved in the creative process of coming up with a band's name; it seems toddlers have been in the creative process of the band ever since.
2. Me First and The Gimme Gimmes: So stupid. It's not even cleverly stupid, it just is stupidly stupid. I know, they took the name from a children's book but, of all the children's books out there, why this one? Baby Beluga would've at least been catchy.
1. Gym Class Heroes: God… Is there such thing as a gym class hero? Does he wear a cape? Does he have dodge ball throwing powers? I don't know. Who comes up with this stuff? Oh! Right…
[Sandeep Murali]
Oh boy, is this easy or what!
5. Puddle of Mudd : Actually, this band doesn't belong in the list at all. An actual puddle of mud has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And neither does the band.
4. Weezer : I don't know about you, but every time I hear the word "Weezer", I think of a bunch of asthmatic patients gasping for dear breath. Maybe they are. I wouldn't know because I was never into the band. And the name played a major part in that.
3. Panic! at the disco : Forgive me if I'm wrong, for I know not where the exclamation lies. I am so sick and tired of this generation's lame attempts at showcasing themselves as overtly clever with words and panic! is the epitome of the phenomenon. Listen you silly little girls, the only thing you've succeeded in doing is showcasing yourselves as smarmy pricks to anyone over 16. Kudos on a job well done.
2. Limp Bizkit : Hey ma, look at us! We're too cool to spell properly! Well you know what? Unlike bands of a bygone era which used alternate spellings for their names, you don't have an iota of talent to back it up. So yeah... Fuck YOU and kindly die in a fire.
1. Fall Out Boy : Umm.. Fall out of what, exactly? The closet, perhaps? The only thing that's stupider than this band's name is the fact that they are thirty year old men who possesses the wardrobe of a twelve year old girl.
[Fred Richani]
5. A*Teens – I don't care if they were innocent teenagers doing ABBA covers. Their music sucked. I remember sitting through their God-awful music videos during Nickelodeon commercial breaks as a kid. The horror! Their name represents how much they suck too. Assuming the A stands for ASS because that's exactly what their music was. Okay, maybe they had a few original songs, but who pays to see kids sing songs from an old band that burns the ear drums?
Fred is reminded by his mother that their neighbor was blasting their rendition of "Dancing Queen" in his car……
Never mind, but their name is still unoriginal and bad in teen Pop-ness!
4. Hatebreed – I know metal is supposed to be dark and in some cases, evil, but damn. It is bad enough they scream most of their lyrics like they're giving birth, but calling your band HATEBREED? Why hate? Hatebreed sounds like it's a group of Nazis or something. I'm not asking them to become Lovebreed, yet their name should be badass and less radically-evil sounding. Why not the New Breed? Hate is bad, kids.
3. Hootie & The Blowfish - I bet these guys have heard so many perverted jokes about their name it's not even funny. Actually, it probably is. Honestly, I went to school with a guy name Hootie, who I called a blowfish every single day. He was not a happy camper. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Hootie & The Blowfish—name sucks.
2. PANIC! At The Disco – I don't know what I hate more—the band or their name. Why would people panic at a disco? Carlito Brigante' is not walking through that door. Unless those dudes ran into Plaxico Burress, I don't see why there would be much panic there. And who the hell goes to a disco anyway? It's all about the club, unless you're these fools.
1. Goatwhore – And my friends wonder why I can't stand death metal or whatever this group is supposedly known as (blackened death metal). Goatwhore. Their name is Goatwhore. They apparently played at Ozzfest. I guess to start my career as a death metal singer I'll have to find people that can play instruments, write angry lyrics, and sing like an angry Vince McMahon after doing a kilo of coke. Oh, and come up with a ridiculously obnoxious and awful band name….like Goatwhore!
[Jasper Jones]
Honorable Mentions
The Academy Is... - The academy is what? I don't like cliffhanging band names. The anticipation is too much!
Of Montreal - If I am not mistaken, none of the members of this band are actually form Montreal. If they're actually from Georgia, shouldn't their name be Of Georgia? Must not have sounded cool enough.
Shwayze - If you are going to have a name that sounds so much like Patrick Swayze's, you had better be one bad mo-fo. This dude is not.
Tupac Shakur - I know this is an old joke, but doesn't this sound like a lost Jewish holiday?
5. Harvey Danger - You may know these one-hit wonders from their 1998 hit "Flagpole Sitta". Their name makes them sound like a really bad professional wrestling jobber. There is nothing dangerous about a lead singer who looks like Drew Carey.
4. The Backstreet Boys - Calling themselves The Backstreet Boys makes it sound like they should be from some rough part of town. In reality they are a group of suburban white dudes from Florida. I'm glad their gone.
3. The Guess Who - They obviously couldn't call themselves The Who because that band was already around and well establish, so I suppose they went with the next best thing. It wouldn't be so bad if the name wasn't so confusing. When someone wants to know who sings "American Woman", it can get pretty confusing when you tell them The Guess Who. It turns into a "Whose on First" routine.
2. Crosby, Still, Nash, and Young / Emerson, Lake, and Palmer - "If you've been in an accident and need your money right now, call the law firm of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. We'll get you your money when you need it." Is my point clear?
1. The Naked Brothers Band - Nickelodeon has some balls for this one. Calling a group of pre-pubescent boys The Naked Brothers Band must send all the pedophiles out there into a frenzy. Be careful kids in the band. NAMBLA is on your trail!
[Michael Adler]
Honorable Mention: Ray Parker Jr. - Ray Parker Jr. wrote what is the greatest theme song for a movie ever, "Ghostbusters." To simply call himself Ray Parker Jr. rather than King Ray Parker Jr. or the Greatest Artist who ever lived Ray Parker Jr. is just plain stupid.
5. Usher - I know he's not technically a band, and its his real first name, but it doesn't work and its stupid given his genre of music. When I first heard about Usher, I thought for sure it was going to a heavy metal band of some sort and it would be awesome. But, alas, it was just some guy making the same insipid R & B that seems to be endemic in music today. Care to show me to my seat?
4. Oingo Boingo - Huh, according to Wikipedia Oingo Boingo used to be fronted by Danny Elfman. Admittedly, I had heard of these guys, but couldn't place their name to any particular song. When I learned what this week's top five topic was, they were the first name that popped into my head. It's an awful name that I feel silly saying and just sounds atrocious- it conjures images of two fat people with body odor problems making love on a water bed.
3. Vampire Weekend - Here's another entry that might be an ok name, but ends up in the bowels of stupidity for being in the wrong genre. I could see this working for a metal band, but Vampire Weekend are a sardonic, minimally skilled NY based band. Apparently their lead singer put out an amateur film by the same name. Still stupid, still misrepresentative of the bland sound they produce. Let's throw these guys to the vampires.
2. The Butthole Surfers - The band's not bad, but this name always rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed like they were trying too hard to be outrageous with this one. It doesn't work.
1. Toots and the Maytals - Nothing against these guys; I usually don't like Reggae, but I enjoy their work. Unfortunately their band name choice makes them sound like a porno production company. If it was just The Toots, or the Maytals it'd work...but together...porn. Sorry guys.
[Tom Santoro]
Honorable mentions: Goo Goo Dolls; The Dave Matthews Band; *NSync; Wham!; Dashboard Confessional; Trixter; Pearl Jam; Coldplay
5. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - They chose their name by blindfolding each other and picking random words they liked off of a wall. Lucky for them it wasn't Magenta Banana Penis Experience.
4. Stone Temple Pilots - Chosen because they thought the symbol for STP motor oil was cool, they decided to pick words that began with those letters. Guess that's what you get when you're on smack.
3. Hoobastank - Sounds dirty, right? The fact of the matter is that it is a word that means nothin', like looptid.
2. Limp Bizkit - Apparently, they are named after the sexual act of having a circle jerk around a biscuit/muffin/scone or other bready treat. The last guy to finish has to eat the biscuit complete with its vanilla drizzle. Apt name for a crap band.
1. BackStreet Boys - Are they tough guys who would beat you up in an alley? Drug dealers? Loiterers? Are they boys of questionable sexual orientation (not that there is anything wrong with that)? Not a very appropriate name for a group of good looking guys who are supposed to make girls swoon.
[Ian Parmenter]
5. The Police - Last I heard, impersonating a law enforcement officer was a crime. If someone on the street yelled out, "I need the police!" and I walked up them and said, "I'm in The Police," I could be arrested. Yet these guys get to say that all the time, and never get in trouble. That's just not right.
4. Cannibal Corpse - Corpses don't eat. They're corpses. If they're animated and somehow able to eat, they're not a corpse; they're a zombie. Cannibal Zombie would work. Cannibalized Corpse would work. This? Doesn't work.
3. The Lone Gunmen - I know this one's fictional, but at least the movie has the decency to point out the problem with it. "There are three of you. You're not exactly Lone."
2. Boyz II Men - Where did we start...using a Z instead of an S? Check. Using a roman numeral II instead of an Arabic numeral 2? Check. Name that can be interpreted as a group either made of, or singing to, NAMBLA members? Check. Pretentious and begging for someone with a decent understanding of the English language to explain what's wrong with it? Check.
1. Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Are you -trying- to get yourselves arrested? If your music was better, you might be able to get away with that name, but c'mon... that's like a rapper naming himself "Cop-Killing Heroin Dealer." On the one hand, it's asking for trouble; on the other, a desperate plea for attention.
[Chris Crowing]
5. Garbage - I just always thought that calling your band Garbage was just asking for bad reviews and puns and things - OK, I get the ironic comment on the disposable nature of pop etc. but it still strikes me as making your life harder. They're still amazingly great though...
4. Mr. Blobby - but you can't argue with a no.1 single can you? Oh, you can.....
3. Norbert Phallus and the Impregnatory Appendages - My cousin's one time only high school band. What a gloriously dumb, teacher baiting name!
2. Spastik Children - the name of various members Metallica's mid eighties punk side project. I had to put it in somewhere.
1. Every Scar Is A Victory - Some emo/metalcore band that gigs in Glasgow, the name just really offends me and strikes me as a clarion call for everything that is wrong with the emo scene.
[Brian Berry]
5. The Airborne Toxic Event - Their name makes me think I might be hearing a nu-metal band a la Mushroomhead or Slipknot. The picture painted by "Airborne Toxic Event" is extreme and a little frightening. Will this band's songs be about the nuclear apocalypse? Maybe they're even a dystopian grindcore band. NO! They're a band of fashionable hipster Los Angelites making mediocre, heart on their sleeve, Arcade Fire-lite, indie rock.
4. Kottonmouth Kings - This name reminds me of that guy you went to high school with who brags about smoking a 1/4 ounce of marijuana in one day...or those terrible novelty shirts that say "4:19-Got a minute?"...or an impractical, oversized 3 foot bong...or every Cheech & Chong movie except Up In Smoke...or Taco Bell's "4th meal" ad campaign...or a shitty, one-dimensional rap-rock band from Orange County whose entire discography concerns smoking weed. No, I get it. You like smoking grass. You like it so much you've christened yourself ruler of one of its side effects.
3. Tokyo Police Club - I thought they were a J-pop group but they're just another bland, cutesy, overrated indie-pop band from Canada.
2. She and Him - This is about as watered down a band name as you can get without being called The The (who are a good band, by the way). When buzz started gathering for She and Him this year, I thought I would be hearing something akin to Captain and Tenille or The Carpenters--solely based on the band name. At least those '70s easy listening juggernauts sang with a little heart. In reality, this is M. Ward and actress Zooey Deschanel's sterile ode to '50s & early '60s country and R&B. Easily, the most overrated critical favorite of 2008. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about how many yearend Top 10 lists this will end up on...and I'm dying at the hands of their boring ass name.
1. AIDS Wolf - This sounds like the name of a pretentious Montreal band making abrasive noise-rock that elitist assholes, who think it's clever or daring or funny to use the disease AIDS to shock people, listen to. Oh wait...it is!
[Taylor Martin]
Honorable mentions: Dragonforce, Scars on Broadway, Hinder, Eyehategod, HIM, Gay Witch Abortion (this isn't really a bad name, I just thought it was hilarious and wanted to post it)
5. Ben Folds Five - I love BF5 (and his solo albums, for that matter) but this is a name that makes no sense. The band was a trio and even Ben Folds himself has said that the name makes no sense and that "Ben Folds Five" was picked just because it sounded better than "Ben Folds Three".
4. Puddle of Mudd - This is an example of bands adding or subtracting (i.e. Staind) letters to words to make them look "cooler". BREAKING NEWS: It's not. Also, why not name the band "Mudd Puddle" or "Mudpuddle"? Why add an extra word? Why not just quit the whole music thing altogether? Then you won't have to worry about coming up with a stupid name to go along with your stupid music.
3. Hoobastank - Hoobastank? What the fuck does that even mean? It sounds like some kind of sea creature or something. Or an energy drink. Or some kind of deity. Whatever it means, it sucks.
2. Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts - This Australian band fronted by Russell Crowe has a pretty terrible name and some pretty terrible music to go with along with it. Luckily, TOFOG, as they are affectionately known by their 12 fans, has disbanded and Crowe has gone solo. Maybe that's not so lucky after all.
1. Limp Bizkit - This name could apply to the "Add/Subtract Rule" referenced in Puddle of Mudd's entry. But this one gets the #1 nod for what it actually means. Supposedly, "limp biscuit" is a game where a few guys jerk off onto a biscuit and the last one to ejaculate has to eat it. Not only is this extremely disgusting but it's pretty gay when you have to stand in a circle and watch your buddies fap. Oh, and Limp Bizkit is one of the worst bands ever.
[Dan Haggerty]
5. Goo Goo Dolls - My little nephew said this once when he pooped his diapers. He clapped his hands with glee, laughed, and was very proud of himself. The adults pointed and laughed with him, clapping along and trying get him to make the same noise again. It was a special moment when the family bonded together and had fun, so I can see why the band would immortalize that moment by naming themselves after my nephews first words.
4. The The - This was evidently a high brow and intellectual commentary on name conventions and the status-quo of the arts and croissant crowd. Huh? Sounds more like these post-punkers turned alternative were just being lazy. At least Hootie and the Blowfish or Toad the Wet Sprocket have a story or reference to their weird band names. These guys have no story or excuse, just a sad attempt to cover up 15 seconds of mental gas as intellectual clap-trap.
3. Limp Bizkit - Did these guys actually open themselves up to every sexual joke in the book? Why yes they did. It's like naming your kid "Les" or "Dick". I mean, who would do that to themselves? Legend has it the guys took their name from "limp biscuit", a game where people stand around a biscuit and masturbate on it. The last person to ejaculate onto the thing has to eat it. What? Why? Who? Who thought of that?! What the fucking Durst? Why would you want to be associated with that? Although, I have to admit, it at least represents the band well. That story making me feel gross inside which is similar to the effect the band's music has on me.
2. Anal Cunt - Yes, that is a real band. They are a grindcore outfit from Massachusetts, and created the name to intentionally do something that was "Offensive, dumb, and stupid..." That's a quote from Seth Putnam, the band leader. All I have to say is, he did a great job of it. I'm down with a little anti-establishment, but come on. When you're band has to go by AC or AxCx to get your shit out on the record rack or display, you've already shot the joke in the proverbial ass. Plus you have to wonder if putting the anus first was a Freudian slip. Just saying.
1. !!! - Yes, that is a band name. Evidently, these guys were sitting around watching The Gods Must Be Crazy (Don't ask - Trust me) and noticed that the clicking sounds of the bushmen language were represented on screen with a "!" in the subtitles. So... Evidently, they thought it would be cool to name their band after that. Yep, that's the whole story. So the million dollar questions is how fucking retarded to you have to be to name your band in such a way that no label or manager can possibly pronounce it? Or even better, how do you put that on a poster or sign? I mean, if I drove by my local concert hall and saw "!!!" on it I'd just assume someone fucked up. Actually, they did. It was just the band for creating a name that in no way can even be communicated long enough to get them some business. What makes it number one is it's the only name I know of that you can't find on Google. Idiots.
Alright, folks. Thanks for reading. Here's what you should do. Enter your list in the comment's section. You do not have to register to comment. Here's how your list should look:Honorable Mentions: If you have any...
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1. Choice: Explanation of choice
