Under the Scalpel 12.12.08: Ting Tings, T Pain & Ludacris, MGMT

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 12.12.2008

The Ting Tings prove that even terrible music can sell when Apple comes knocking, T Pain and Ludacris attempt to honor chopped and screwed music and MGMT finally get the recognition they deserve.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. For three free tracks that will rock your panties off, check out www.asimplecomplex.com

Ting Tings - Shut Up And Let Me Go
Gag Me With A Pom-Pom

Self-proclaimed vocalist Katie White, who was raised on a steady diet of Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys, describes her previous musical efforts as "bubblegum," and drummer Jules De Martino once wrote music even he describes as "dull, boring [and] droney."

Together, these self-admitted flops formed a band named the Ting Tings, a bad copy of bad 80's one-hit wonder new wave artists like The Waitresses ("I Know What Boys Like"), Toni Basil ("Mickey") and Tom Tom Club ("Genius of Love").

Luckily for them, retro happens to be the flavor of the month.

BBC News referred to the Ting Tings as "one of the most credible and critically-acclaimed groups on the indie scene," a title that seems hardly deserved – unless every ounce of talent on the indie scene has suddenly flown south for the winter.

Lyrically and tonally, listening to White's vocals is like overhearing a British cheerleader argue with her boyfriend on her cell phone. You can almost hear the smacking of gum between each line.

While De Martino insists "most of the album was recorded right next to a building site and every day there were like pneumatic drills and cranes, especially when Katie was doing her vocals," I stand by my assessment that her performance would still have left me with a headache, even if the drills hadn't been in there.

In a constant string of contradictions, she first declares, "Shut up and let me go," and then follows it with, "It's you that ought to be holding me." Then she announces, "This hurts, I tell you so," followed by, "This hurts, but I can't show." I can't stress enough the importance of proofreading. I will be suggesting to your guidance counselor that you take a leave of absence from the cheerleading team until your lyrics show improvement.

The stupidity doesn't stop there. "You're not adorable. I want something unignorable," and, "Your jeans were once so clean. I bet you changed your wardrobe since we met," are more tactical frivolity from an annoying, and fortunately departing, girlfriend that tickle the gag reflex with metallic pom-pom strings.

The song's repetitive chorus, "I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this" allows White's musical roots to really shine through, giving the song a "Tell me what you want, what you really, really want" feel.

Before joining forces with De Martino, White did not play any instruments. "She just picked up one of my old guitars and started playing," Jules told BBC News, "She'd never played a guitar before." And it shows.

The music is a blatant rip-off of "Good Times," a not-so-obscure song by the Disco/R&B band Chic that went to number one on Billboard's Hot 100 in 1979. To anybody who has a clue about music, "Shut Up And Let Me Go" is painfully unoriginal and predictable. However, many of today's teenagers will be easily duped into believing that this song's music is fresh and daring.

So how did this nonsense become so popular? Thank Apple.

"Shut Up And Let Me Go" ended up in one of Apple's many ultra-hip iPod commercials, today's express ticket to instant stardom. Here is undeniable evidence that success is not determined by how good your music is, but instead by who you know, who owes you a favor, and how much exposure to today's youth your song thereby receives.

De Martino explained to M Online, "Apple reps were there (at a performance). They approached us afterwards and seemed bowled over by the band. A week later we met up with them and rode bucking broncos in a New York bar where I damaged my fingers and had to drum the following night covered in plasters. I think they felt they owed us something."

The fact that this song went to number one on Billboard's Hot Dance Club Play chart says a lot about the sad state of affairs today's dance scene must be in. If nightclub DJs couldn't find a record to spin more than this one during the week ending Sept. 27, it's time to start shutting these clubs down.

The thought of several bimbos trying to dance to a stolen late 70's funk groove while a tone deaf cheerleader nags her boyfriend brings to mind the words of George Carlin, "Be yourself. Be proud. Be white. Be lame. And get the fuck off the dance floor."

T Pain & Ludacris – Chopped and Screwed
Good Idea Goes South

In "Chopped and Screwed," T-Pain and Ludacris tip their hats to the "chopped and screwed" music movement and its deceased originator, DJ Screw.

For those who don't know what the screwed sound is, it originated in the early 1990's in Houston when DJ Screw made mix tapes full of popular songs drastically slowed down. Each sound becomes elongated and dropped in pitch, giving the music a very fat, trippy vibe like playing a 45 at 33RPM or having a cassette deck eat your tape. Lyrics are inserted separately and empty spaces are filled by scratching sounds and repeating words, giving it a glitch feel.

If this sounds odd to you, you aren't alone. Even legendary hip-hop producer and rapper Dr. Dre said, "I was like, 'What is this? Is this a mistake?'" after his first listen.

While T's song is slow enough to mimic a chopped and screwed jam, it doesn't sound like screwed music – it just sounds screwed up. Instead of having the fat, trippy vibe of slow-spun vinyl, T's song sounds like a scuffed-up CD playing while somebody is punching the disc player.

Devout T Pain fans may insist he is advancing the screwed music movement with an ingenious avant-garde approach, but the bottom line is that what he did in this song sucks. "Now you've officially been chopped and screwed, screwed-screwed... You've officially been dance-dance screwed and ewed-ewed... screwed and-and screw-chop screw-screwed."

It sounds like T has the ability to sing well. Maybe if his vocals had been left alone for more than three seconds, we could have enjoyed his crooning. Instead his vocal tracks are so spliced and over-manipulated with pitch adjustment that he barely sounds human.

The song's lyrics are stupid on many levels. Not only are the examples of being 'chopped and screwed' totally absurd, but the whole concept applied to those words doesn't even work.

As far as the rest of the world is concerned, chopping a girl means "hooking up" and screwing her means "getting laid." T and Ludacris have decided to use the term "chopped and screwed" to mean getting shot down. That's a mighty big stretch. Fortunately for them, plenty of brainless sheep will insist that this is pure genius.

Each verse contains short stories like Run DMC's "You Be Illin'." Whereas Run DMC shouts "You Be Illin'" at the shithead who screams "Touchdown!" at a basketball game, and rightfully so, T tells a man in the VIP room of a strip club that he's "officially been chopped and screwed" by a stripper who asks him for money before cuddling up with him. Well, duh! That's like filling your cart with groceries and then being shocked when the cashier asks for a credit card.

Ludacris has his share of stupid lines too. He accuses a girl of not only being "out of her mind," but also "out of her spine." Have you ever made a big stretch to come up with a rhyme, and still fallen short? He then boasts that when he spanks a woman she'll be "praising the Lord like thank you, thank you, thank you Lord, I want to thank you, Jesus." I'm sure He really appreciates that.

The only reason I can fathom that this song has achieved chart success is through employing the same method most club jams are using to get popular lately – using a ton of slang. These days, if you put a butt-load of "shawty," "thug," "swagga," "chuch," "mami," and "holla" into your lyrics, you must know what you're talking about. It instantly relieves you of having to be clever or even make any sense.

T and Ludacris deserve kudos for trying to give props to the screwed music movement, but they get a big FAIL tag on what they actually produced. Sorry guys, but you be illin'. Lay off the purple drank.

MGMT - "Time To Pretend"
Retro Single Finally Gets Due Regard

As the year comes to a close and several terrible-yet-successful retro acts pat themselves on the back, I refuse to let 2008 end without mentioning an excellent one that, until recently, hasn't been given proper credit.

Although it did not enter Billboard's Hot 100, Time.com has recently listed MGMT's lead single, "Time To Pretend," as one of the top ten songs of 2008 and MTV Newsroom referred to it as "possibly the greatest single of the year."

"Time to Pretend" is a quirky-yet-catchy throwback, combining electronic rock with a trippy psychedelic vibe. An infectious lo-fi keyboard melody, overmodulated drums and wild, swirling sound effects come together brilliantly to create a danceable rock song worthy of multiple listens.

The song's sarcastic monologue ridiculing the stereotypical excess of rock stars "was meant to be taken as a joke," Ben Goldwasser, one of the band's two members, told Interview Magazine. On their website, www.whoismgmt.com, the band claims that "a joke (or a joke song) could be sad, profound, and funny at the same time," and this song successfully tackles all three elements.

Andrew VanWyngarden, lead vocalist of MGMT, takes several humorous jabs at the lifestyles of the rich and famous. "Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives. I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars. You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars."

His words are profound as our hero waves good-bye to the simple life, "I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms... I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home. I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone."

Sadness enters in as the song develops, "This is our decision, to live fast and die young... We'll choke on our vomit. That will be the end. We were fated to pretend."

Of course, as MGMT becomes more and more successful, irony starts to rear its ugly head. Reportedly, the models are flocking to the band backstage and VanWyngarden has been linked romantically with actress Kirsten Dunst – quite a leap for a duo that claims, "We couldn't even get dates in college."

Only time will tell if these lyrics will become a complete self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope not to read any band member obituaries that declare the cause of death as "choked on vomit" any time soon. But however their story turns out, be sure not to miss this incredible song.