Face Off 12.19.08: Wherein Mike and Randy Wonder What is up With Dream Theater and the Grammys

Posted by Michael Adler on 12.19.2008

Read on as we bring down a few sacred cows.

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Mike butts:This week there are two things that were inherently wrong and thus pissed me off.

First off, under the comments section of the top 5 most lyrical moments, one of our millions and millions of fans seemed to point out that that Dream Theater was left off.

What?

I think now would be a good time to do a quick Dream Theater deflation. Our misguided fan selected the Dream theater masterpiece, "Misunderstood"

"Playing a lion being led to a cage
I turn from surreal to seclusion
From love to disdain
From belief to delusion
From a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me"

I appreciate that someone went to the trouble of looking up Dream Theater lyrics for me. They're not lyrical, their insipid and boring. Those lines don't even make sense, as they're a mixed metaphor. I've sat down for hours, and still can't figure out how a lion being led to a cage would even begin to evince feelings of seclusion. This would also imply a free lion feels a sense of surreality? No.

But Michael, you all exclaim, it's not about the lyrics, it's about the musicianship! And to that I lend a certain half-hearted agreement; the members of the band know how to play. Their bassist, John Myung, is Asian, and minorities are always appreciated in Rock music. John Patrucci's pretty good, they have Jordan Rudess for keyboard wacky interludes, and despite insipid lyrics, Labrie can kind of sing.

So what went wrong? In a way, they're too polished. Despite all their skills, their songs result to bloated, overlong, progressive metal that doesn't really progress anything. "Octavarium", the song, (more like Crapvarium!) is a challenge to sit through at 24 minutes long. Scenes from a Memory is some kind of murder mystery, and I have yet to be able to sit through the whole thing, so I have no idea who did it. Their heavy stuff comes off as insincere, and their power ballads are so overpolished as to the point of becoming nauseatingly syrupy.

I saw them in concert once, and made it through about two and a half songs before boredom set in and I had to leave. I've never left any other concert before out of boredom once the music started. They actually lost me during the intro when the band members came out to "Thus Spoke Zathustra." Idiots.

Alright, second issue: What the fuck is wrong with the 2009 Grammy nominations. (http://content.grammy.com/grammy_awards/51st_show/list.aspx) This is probably beating a dead horse, as their awful EVERY year, but let's pick out a few really atrocious ones in the major categories.

Song of the Year: Adele's an Amy Winehouse knockoff, except with less talent. Amy Winehouse shouldn't be nominated, thus a less talented knock off doesn't deserve it. This slot should've went to "Better." Who the fuck is Leona Lewis, and why is something produced by Simon Cowell nominated? "Better" should've been nominated twice in this category. There's Coldplay also...um... a record breaking third nomination for the same song, "Better" as far as I can see so far. I guess Robert Plant/Allison Krauss and M.I.A. are ok.

Album of the Year: Oh god...why is LIl Wayne nominated? Why, why, why? Tha Carter III. What does that even mean?!?!? I'm going to kick that one off and wonder why Judas Priest's Nostradamus isn't here. Lil Wayne can barely form whole words. Ne-Yo>-Year of the Gentleman? More like year of the really crappy album. I'd be daring here, and kick this one off and throw on Death by Sexy, The Eagles of Death Metal's masterpiece.

Song of the Year: By now it's futile to even start wondering where the ad wizards who come up with the nominations came up with each choice, but I did noitce Jason Mraz is on here...how do you even pronounce that? Is that Jason Mr. Ass? Billy Gunn should sue. I also noticed "Love Song" by Sara Brailles is under there. I don't know who Sara Braille is, but I know the song, because whenever I pass by a radio it's being played...and it's AWFUL. Why wasn't "This I Love" nominated here? Axl should kick Sara Brailles ass.

Other oddities: Metallica's Death Magnetic got nominated for best Rock Album. Pretty sure that one was metal, even if the band's slightly diminished. It's a shame Jethro Tull didn't release anything this year so that Metallica could lose to them again. Still, under that category I'd give it to the Raconteurs who had the superior album this year.

If you look at the rock instrumental category, you'll notice NIN Ghosts I-IV # 34 got nominated...how'd they pick that one? My guess would be they put the numbers one through 36 in a hat, and picked one. 34 isn't the best one off of that album in any event. It's clearly #12. Regardless, I take a #2 on most of the Grammy nominations this year.

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Randy rebuts: I can't believe it but Michael Adler actually hit the nail on the head with Dream Theater. John Petrucci is an excellent guitar teacher, I have to say. Maybe someday someone can teach him to write a decent riff.
I'll bet I can look up the lyrics of a random Dream Theater song and they will be terrible.

Yeah, it worked.

"Is silence like a fever?"

See?

What the hell are the Grammys?

At any rate, Michael, you meant Heart On, not Death By Sexy. After a fairly terrible 2007 (looking at you, Chris Cornell and Velvet Revolver), the rock acts brought the goods in 2008. Four clear standouts:

EODM - Heart On
AC/DC - Black Ice
Metallica - Death Magnetic
G n' R - Chinese Democracy

Clealry all of the Grammys should revolve around extolling the virtues of those four albums. Let's review the highs and tragic flaws of each.

EODM - Fantastic, groovy, funny, super-well written. Josh Homme is THE modern day rock star, with Jesse Hughes being a formidable Robin to his Batman. No real tragic flaw, per se, aside from it being an album based entirely around being white and ironic.

AC/DC - Yup, it's an AC/DC album. "Rock n Roll Train", "Skies on Fire", "Smash n Grab", "Stormy May Day", "Rock n Roll Dream", and "Black Ice" are classics. The problem: the rest.

Death Magnetic: The plus: Metallica is back, with some killer, killer riffs. The minus: It sounds like an album full of riffs written separately that sound kinda good together.

G n' R: The man, the myth, and the legend. Whether or not it was -worth- 14 years of wait, it certainly sounds like it took 14 years to make, making it the year's most unique listening experience. That the album goes in so many different directions is an asset, not a defect; however, at the level of individual songs, sometimes Axl takes a left turn when playing it straight would have done much better (see the random cuts in "If the World", for example). And it could have used some more killer riffs.

So, they're all album of the year. Hooray for the consumer.

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Mike triple butts: Huh, well I'm dumbstruck. Agreement for the most part. Shit, what do I do? Give me a sec while I check the Face Off manual. I think there's something about this under trouble shooting in the back somewhere...let's see...

In the meantime, here's a game:

Identify the fake Dream Theater lyric:

A. Helpless hysteria A false sense of urgency Trapped in my phobia Possessed by anxiety
B. Sorrow drains me The pain of not knowing Which agony will be next
C.Our deeds have traveled far What we have been is what we are
D.
E. Drifting with the current This stream of life flows on

Alright, we're back. And it looks like somehow gmail mangled my transmission. I did in fact type Heart On in the original email, but it somehow reached Randy as Death by Sexy. Google does that with album titles sometimes. In any event, I fear Randy's vision of the Grammy's is not to be, as none of our selections got picked for the big awards. I take issue with a few of your extollations of the albums.

EODM- A clarification: It's about being white and ironic in Los Angeles.

AC/DC - It is an AC/DC album. I'd again clarify by what you mean when you say the rest, as I would say the rest also includes the songs you mentioned.

Death Magnetic - I again restate that Metallica are worthless at the Grammys unless they're losing to Jethro Tull. "Cyanide's" an awesome song though.

G n' R - Chinese Democracy-hhhmmm, full agreement again. Strange times. This definitely should've gotten some more recognition. Also it would be awesome if it got nominated for best album along with Heart On, there was a tie and Axl had to take the stage with the band he labeled "the pigeons of shit metal." It'd be the best grammy moment since Bono said, "Fuck" when they won for Zooropa.

Back to Randy for his final thoughts.

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Randy with the Quadruple Butt:The game is a trick, they're all real, obviously.

Clearly the time has come for EODM and Axl to reconcile and do an album together as the greatest supergroup of all time. A lot of things were said on both sides, that probably weren't meant. A lot of feelings were hurt. But clearly they're meant to be together. Eagles of Rose Metal? Guns n' Rotal? Roses of Death Gunses? Chinese Heart by Sexy? The possibilities are endless.

I guess a couple of other albums came out this year that were kinda OK. Opeth's Watershed was, in fact, a collection of songs with guitars, vocals, drum, keyboard, and bass. Occasional moments in the lazily-constructed songs revealed flashes of brilliance. Drive-By Truckers released Brighter Than Creation Dark, to make people hippie liberals feel better about themselves by liking something made by people from the south. There were some good songs, sure, but it was overall kind of dull and not as good as, say, Decoration Day.

Oh, and a band named Judas Priest did the most brilliant thing anyone ever did, ever, and released a double concept album about the life of Nostradamus. OK, so it doesn't -quite- reach Kilroy Was Here-level lunacy, but it's pretty ridiculous. Here's hoping they go through with the tour and do the whole album in what'll clearly be the most entertaining train wreck in music history.

So, album of the year goes to Kilroy Was Here.

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For those playing along at home, the answer to the Dream Theater game is B. Thanks for reading-as always feel free to email me any questions, comments, or death threats, and join us next week when we further discuss John Myung-Dream Theater's bassist, or nickname for my genitalia.