Face Off 12.24.08: Wherein Mike and Randy Torture Each Other

Posted by Michael Adler on 12.24.2008

What do Dave Mustaine's tears, Guantanamo Bay, and crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have in common? Read on to find out.


Waaaaaaaaah!

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Mike opens up: This week we'll be discussing torture and music, something anyone who's been forced to listen to a song they don't like can nod approvingly at. Interestingly enough the CIA has taken this idea to the next level and is using modern rock music to torture enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay and possibly other secret prisons. Of course, this led numerous musicians to get upset about it, foremost among them, professional protesters Rage Against the Machine. (one of the bands used to torture detainees.) Other names floated about as possibly torturers are Eminem, Nine Inch Nails, Bruce Springsteen, David Gray (who?), as well as the theme song from Barney and Friends.

A few questions arise. Is this actual torture? Are the artists whose music is being used right to complain? Could they be coming up with more efficient ways to use music as torture? What band would be the most torture to listen to?

First question. Is it torture? The manner in which it's implemented most definitely is. Reports say detainees have bags over their heads, while the music blasts almost 24/7. That's not nearly as bad as water boarding or bamboo picks under the fingernails, but apparently it's enough to drive people insane. This being said, it's understandable a few bands might get upset. Of course, if its political Tom Morello would probably get involved, so his input is almost moot by reason that he'll protest anything; they could be roasting s'mores with the detainees, and he'd complain that it was the generic store brand and not Kraft. But in all seriousness, seeing as how the use of torture by the U.S. has been a hot topic, and is widely condemned, it's reasonable for a band to be upset that its music would be party to a practice they condemn.

On the other hand, if we do accept that they're going to do it, I think the CIA could be doing a lot better job of it. Rage Against the Machine can be grating after a while, but they're a pretty decent band. Oddly enough, Drowning Pool fully endorse the use of their music for torture which is apt, since they're terrible and their music truly is torture. Why not throw some Evanescence in there? It's both torture to listen to and carries a message-that in the Western World, both men and women have the freedom to make really terrible music. How about some classics from Rob Thomas? Hearing him warble and attempt to get correct pitch for a couple of hours should be enough to break any man, no matter how determined. Bruce Springsteen probably shouldn't be classified as torture-I don't see why listening to him is so bad. The use of Nine Inch Nails? Good for getting the terrorist to hate themselves. Of course the risk there is they can start to block it out as they get lost in thought over why a 46 year old man is singing songs with the maturity level of a 16 year old. Now that I think about it, hearing the names their floating around- most of them aren't that torturous at all. Randy, your list of the worst bands for use as torture as well as any insights on the use of music as torture?

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Randy opens up a little more: Alright, so right off the bat, clearly Dream Theater would be the worst torture music. If they want it to be really bad, they'll make the prisoners watch a constant loop of Mike Portnoy drum solos. If they want it to be really, REALLY bad, they'll put the prisoners in a room with Portnoy and make them watch the solos live. That way, they'll have to endure the drum wankery AND Portnoy's B.O..

Seriously, if this works, fine. Who cares what Morello says? What is he going to do, bring world peace by making his guitar sound like a helicopter? And boo hoo to the artists. As long as the torturers are using originally album versions of the songs and not pirated MP3s, the artists have no right to complain.

Of course, the oddest aspect of this is the choice of music. Is Metallica and Rage really brutal enough to be torturous? Why aren't they using Death or Slayer or something really, really brutal? Stupid mainstream tastes of the government.

I think they should be forced to listen to concept albums like Kilroy Was Here and Operation: Mindcrime and not be released until they can summarize the plots properly.

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Mike opens up even slightly more: Excellent points.

It's funny-covering this particular topic, something has become readily apparent. Rockstars are crybabies. This can easily be seen if you watch Some Kind of Monster; Dave Mustaine throws a legendary tantrum, weeping on camera about being kicked out of Metallica. Peace Sells, but who's crying?

And you have Tom Morello leading the charge against music as torture, but as I've said Tom Morello will protest anything. I think it's safe to say if you looked back at his childhood, at some point he led the neighborhood children in a revolt against their mothers over the unjust use of crusts on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Other famous Tom Morello causes: Getting cop-killers out of jail and putting out acoustic folk albums under a fake name that sound like Springsteen on a lot of sedatives.

Back to torture-Randy has a point-the government's selection of music is weak at best, and completely incompetent at worst. I like rock and some metal to an extent, but I'd be willing to admit to anything after an hour of Slayer. And as for Death-I don't even know who that is. Now, as to the government using original album versions...that's a tougher call. As we all know, we're in a recession, and quite possibly the worst economic crisis since the Depression. It wouldn't surprise me if checking the CIA or NSA's internet logs (which really, we should be able to do since they've been doing it to us for the last eight years) we found numerous trips to Limewire.

How did the government come up with its music choices, incompitent as they are? It was probably made by some really old guy in the upper echelons of the intelligence community. He probably sent his assistants out to Best Buy or Walmart with instructions to buy that Metallica Band stuff his grandkids listen to. That would explain the mainstream nature of the music. Best thing to torture the terrorists to? I would go with Mars Volta's Amputecture. It's not even a word! Another excellent selection would be Mike Patton's a capella performance that can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPsXRiV6yo4&feature=PlayList&p=B9BA9CBC8A3266DD&playnext=1&index=39

I'll let Randy finish off with something pithy...

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Randy opens up so much, he's actually closing: Did Adler really spell incompetent "incompitent"? (Editor's (Adler's) note: Seriously? I would normally never use my hand of God in here, being the one to post these-I like to leave the opinions and reactions pristine, but I sure did correct about five spelling errors from Randy in this week's post alone. That's the pot calling the kettle African American! or the N word if the cookware is in a kitchen in the deep south somewhere.) Really? And he doesn't know who Death is? Whew.

Alright. Anyway, Mustaine claims those clips of him crying were taken out of context. In reality, what happened before he started crying was that they told him wrestling wasn't real.

The Patton thing should go in as torture-worthy. Is this an all-new criteria for music reviews?

Seriously, this is the long-awaited merger of rock and warfare that's been inevitable since Chuck Berry first performed "Maybelline". War is high-octane and high-testosterone - of course those involved in it are going to have rock n roll on the mind. It's a bold new era, indeed.

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Alright, readers, that closes out another week. Hope everyone has a good Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or Kwanzaa. As always feel free to email me with questions, comments, or death threats, and join us next week when we discuss Illegal Immigration: Are the hundreds of Mexican heavy metal bands spilling over our borders putting American bands like Lamb of God out of work?