Face Off 01.02.09: Wherein Mike and Randy Finally Settle an Age-Old Argument

Posted by Michael Adler on 01.02.2009

We finally get to the bottom of what every music fan at one point or another has argued-who's better? Bruce or Billy. Read on.

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Mike marks: Recently, an argument broke out between Randy and I over who's better: Billy Joel or Bruce Springsteen, and I thought it couldn't possibly be a column idea. It's too esoteric, but then I realized that Springsteen has a new album coming out in January, and Billy Joel is going to be touring with Elton John in 2009. With this in mind, really, now more than ever is a great time to finally settle who's better: Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel.

To me the answer is obvious: Billy Joel is the superior performer. Billy Joel has the superior songwriting and instrumental abilities. That could be the quintessential Long Islander in me expressing its bias, as many of Joel's songs are undoubtedly Long Island. ("Captain Jack" being the one that pops into my mind.) The fact is Joel still talks like a Long Islander too. Springsteen, on the other hand, despite being a Jersey guy and having many of his songs associated with the sites and sounds of Jersey, has chosen to effect some sort of Midwestern accent reminiscent of Nebraska. Really, it's almost as obnoxious as Madonna's fake British accent. The very fact that his faking such a Midwestern accent causes me to compare him to Madonna is a demerit.

But what's really important when comparing the two is the music, and there Springsteen just can't hold a candle to Joel's songs. Far and away, "Piano Man" is one of the greatest songs ever written. It's in my top ten, and possibly my top five. In addition to that, he's got "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" which is an epic rivaling "Stairway to Heaven" Who knew so much was going on in an Italian Restaurant? What else? You've got the best history lesson ever written in "We Didn't Start the Fire.", and the "The Downeaster Alexa" is the greatest song ever written about lobster fishing. Let's not also forget Billy Joel is an amazing piano player.

Springsteen just can't compare. Sure he gave Courtney Cox her start in "Dancing in the Dark", and in all fairness, "I'm on Fire" is also one of my favorite songs, but putting any of his other stuff up against Billy Joel doesn't cut it. "Born in the U.S.A.", also an amazing song, pales in comparison to Billy Joel's best work, which elicits a much more visceral reaction from the listener. Billy Joel is just a better song writer.

And on a more frivolous note, let's face it, Billy Joel gets the better women. Bruce Springsteen married Patti Scialfa and gave her a token guitar playing job in his band. Billy Joel was married to Chirstie Brinkley, a supermodel, and dumped her when she got too old for a newer model, a Long Island News 12 reporter, who's also hot. He knows what he's doing, but to Bruce Springsteen's credit, he hasn't been in 12 car crashes.

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Randy remarks:Billy Joel crashes his car into houses. Bruce Springsteen has an awesome, rumbling, incoherent voice.

Springsteen is a man, Billy Joel is a pussy. Done.

Alright, I guess I should elaborate. For one thing, Springsteen doesn't fall into the traps of idiocy that Billy Joel often does (looking at you, "Big Shot"). And would someone please finally tell Joel that there were no steel mills in Allentown? Oye vey. How he gets the hotter chicks is a mystery.

On to the Boss then. First of all, he has the E Street band. Little Steven. Max Weinberg. And -the- icon of the 80s, Clarence Clemmons. His performance on the "Dancing in the Dark" video outshined Courtney Cox (and oh yeah, we have the Boss to thank for Courtney Cox!). And on the songs, Springsteen is unparalleled. I can't tell you how many times "No Surrender" has convinced me to keep going. "Born to Run" remands common ground for guidos from Jersey and trashy chicks from Long Island to this day. And who can forget when they found out that "Born in the U.S.A." isn't actually patriotic?

And, Springsteen continues to churn out quality material this day. "Radio Nowhere" proved that, when he wants to, Springsteen can sound just like Eddie Vedder. And "Lonesome Day" was so great he had to rewrite it as "The Rising."

Springsteen is a man playing guitar, Joel is a douche tapping lightly on a piano.

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Mike re-remarks:'ll start from the bottom and work my way up.

Joel is absolutely not a douche tapping light on a piano. He wails on those ivories like a drunken southern man telling his wife the way things should be. Going back to an earlier column, maybe Dream Theater would be a much better band if they replaced Jordan Rudess with Billy Joel; I would buy that album. Springsteen... is an average guitar player. "Radio Nowhere" was ok-you have a point that he makes quality music today, although "Last to Die" and "Gypsy Biker" are far better. I guess where Joel might achieve douchehood is that he chooses not to put out any more popular music, and on occasion puts out a classical piece. Christmas in Fallujah was decent though, although he let some random douche bag sing it...mysterious.

Springsteen does have the E street band...whom he can't be bothered to credit on any of his albums, which kind of brings him into the douchebag brotherhood. Little Steven is awesome, as is his radio show. Max Weinberg is single handedly responsible for Conan O'Brien's success. Clarence Clemmons laid the groundwork for black saxophone players in America. Yet despite this, they still can't touch Billy Joel's live performances, or any of his songs. Chirstie Brinkley in Uptown Girl kicks Courtney Cox's ass in "Dancing in the Dark." Let's also not forget that Bruce Springsteen copied the idea for his "I'm on Fire" video from "Uptown Girl."

"Big Shot" isn't idiotic-it's ironic and hip, long before douchebag hipster indie groups came along and ruined the idea. It features the humorous side of Billy Joel, something Springsteen seems to lack. The guy needs to lighten up. As for Allentown-I don't even know where that is.

And finally-crashing cars is fucking awesome. You can't call someone who crashes (six) cars a pussy. Every car Billy Joel crashes causes more hair to grow on his, and collectively America's chest.

QED, but I'll let you have the final word.

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Randy leaves the final mark:Alright, you've got a point about Billy Joel joining Dream Theater - despite the fact that they both suck, combining them would clearly create the greatest musical force ever.

For my money, Christie Brinkley in Uptown Girl doesn't compare to the 30 seconds of awkward dancing between the Boss and Courtney Cox in Dancing in the Dark. Did they have a fight before the filming or something? There's a palatable mile between them. A classic video moment. The Dancing video also shows that Springsteen's 80's dance moves are clearly superior to Joel's.

Joel's moving on to classical shows what's wrong with him - Joel's contempt for his own genre has always permeated his music. Springsteen merely expresses contempt for steel mill owners and evil governments, playing his guitar with pride. What the Boss lacks in a sense of humor, he makes up for with authenticity.

That, and Clarence Clemmons' clapping in the Dancing in the Dark video. Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMZVrvYjHgA

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Alright, Happy New Year to our millions of loyal readers. As always, feel free to email us with any questions, comments, or death threats, and join us next week when I reveal which rock star drunkenly urinated in my bushes over the holidays.