The Mosh Pit 1.02.09: Top Music Stories In 2009

Posted by Dan Haggerty on 01.02.2009

It’s time again for the Mosh Pit’s not so serious predictions for the biggest music stories of 2009. Check out Britney: Warrior Princess, Rob Zombie and Michael Jackson’s new movie, gangsta rap goes to Broadway and the full details on a Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne reunion!

Holy crap, it's hard to believe its 2009 already. I hope everyone has recovered from the big party kicking 2008 into the dust bin of history. Although, while the news and weather sucked I think it was a great year for music. If you missed it, I went through my picks for some of the best metal albums of 2008 last week, and I was quite pleased with a lot of music. Although, as usual the feature experienced some mixed results.

To lighten things up, I'm going to kick off the New Year in fashion by once again pulling out my crystal ball, which alarmingly resembles a bottle of Grey Goose, and piecing together some predictions for the biggest news to hit the music business. And this year, we have pictures!

But, it's become obvious that some people can't handle alternate opinions, or at best take a joke, so I need to add some disclaimers:


The Opinions Expressed In The Mosh Pit Are Just That - Opinions





The Opinions Expressed In The Mosh Pit Are Not The Opinions Of 411 or Management

(but they should be)





If You Can't Take a Joke – Exit Stage Left





If you are offended by things like this:






You might be in the wrong column


Are We Clear? Good. Then let's do this.












Before we get into the main feature, I need to address comments from the last two weeks and a few details on my Top Metal Albums of 2008 list:


Column On Poseurs

* To those who had a good laugh over the Posin/Poison bit in the comment section, that little bit of photoshop above was for you!

* To the person who commented on David Lee Roth. While his solo material left something to be desired, there are a few important things you need to be schooled on:

1. Yes the made for MTV pop songs DLR did were bad. However, those who delve into his catalog can find some really good deep cuts. Still, the hits… Yikes.

2. When you talk about Roth, you better clarify what you mean by it, because if you just drop a blanket statement on the subject then you're also including the time he fronted Van Halen. THAT, my friend, will not fly. Van Halen as a group were way up HERE and groups like poison were way _{DOWN HERE}. There were good hair bands (yes, I said it), but Poison wasn't one of them, and they certainly don't compare to a band like Van Halen who re-wrote the rules on hard rock.

Otherwise, thanks for reading and defending a band you like. I mean, if you like them then have fun and crank it up – That's what they are there for.


Top Metal Albums Of 2008 Column

Since there were so many posts, I'm just going to do some talking points. I doubt people would really be interested in reading me respond to all of them. If you have anything you would like to talk about, feel free to drop me a line.

* For those who commented on the albums they thought should be included, no matter if I agree of disagree, thanks for contributing. That was one of the points of doing this and I'm sure there were other readers who agreed with you.

* Judas Priest: Sorry, but it's not happening for me. I like quite a few of the tracks alone, but honestly I never feel like putting it in the player to slog through both discs. But I love Priest and I'm certainly glad that their album resonated with some of you.

* I had a copy of Guitar Hero mix of Death Magnetic on my laptop, but sadly it tanked several months ago. Maybe someone could hook a guy up. I'd be happy to trade something!

* No one mentioned Dragonforce. That should tell you something.

* Not a big fan of Soulfly or Slipknot. Although the later has a few fun tracks on it, the rest of the album was just average to me. If it's any consolation, I'm sure a few other writers in the zone would with you.

* I just picked up Gorjira, and thus haven't had it long enough to save a *real* opinion on it. Although my knee jerk reaction is that it shouldn't be in the Top 10 but maybe on one of the Top 5's… If I could figure out which one to put them on!

* Someone has the new Darkthrone, and I'm a sad panda. I ordered that along with the new box set of their early recordings and haven't gotten it yet. Someone will pay.

* Iced Earth was a huge disappointment this year. It just didn't sound like the epic conclusion to a story it took TWO albums to tell, and honestly the riffs were lame or borrowed from earlier albums. I could have gotten past that, maybe, but the whole thing also just came off fast without the heft. Plus I swear Schaffer didn't really change the album that much for Barlow. Not a terrible album, just average.

* I actually thought the new Trivium album was decent. But no way do I think it should make a list. The band still needs to get to wherever it is they're going with their sound in my opinion. The good news for Trivium fans is that I'm sure it'll make a few lists when we do the staff roundtable.

* In Flames might have released their best album in years, but that's not saying much.

* Bullet For My Valentine? Bwahahahahahahahaha…

* Guns N' Roses is hard rock, and frankly three-quarters of their new album isn't even that. I can see why people like it, but don't pass it off as either heavy or metal.

* Several people mentioned Gamma Bomb. I'm going to need to check them out.

* Someone mentioned Jex Thoth for the second week in a row. I'm intrigued… I'll be checking them out as well.

* Testify to the awesome that is Dismember!

* To those who thought that Metallica are not a metal band… What the fuck? I mean, I'm down with someone not liking their new album, or not even liking the band itself. But come on. If we had this conversation six to ten years ago, I would have agreed that the (then) current output wasn't metal. But… to say that they are currently not a metal band based on their first five albums and the new one, or their concert set list, is absolutely one of the dumbest things I've heard all year. Not liking something doesn't change what they are, or trust me I'd be booting a whole slew of bands (and styles) out of the metal family.

* I got an email from someone who also called me names and claimed Metallica was not a metal band, then gave me a link to a Dream Evil video to evidently "educate" me. Funny thing, first it was a song released on an album four years ago. Second, it wasn't even from the bands best album. Dream Evil is a fun band though. Sort of a Priest meets Manowar with one of the dudes from Accept on leads. But they're not better than Metallica (weighted average of both catalogs), or "more" metal, but honestly dude check out their first album. You'll be happy.

* To those who picked up some of the albums I mentioned – Thanks! That means a lot, and I hope you enjoy them. Feel free to let me know what you liked, didn't, or just let me know how it worked out. I love spreading the word on great music, so you made my year.

I think that is all the big points… If not, drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you.

Let's move on to the fun stuff!








TOP MUSIC STORIES OF 2009




Britney Spears Turns To Power Metal

Shortly into the New Year, Britney Spears' new album, Circus fades. After a few months the "Britney comeback" fad drops of the radar as she is unable to follow-up with a successful new single. Add in the continual problems she has had with people criticizing her live appearances and Spears' managers will work with her to hatch a bold new direction for her career.

First the decision will be made to reinvent her career again, since that is what generated so much press for the last release. Second, it's decided that since Britney's music is her image, she needs her image to "grow up" to keep up with her own age and the age of her fans. Britney however wants to keep it young, sexy, and current. A compromise will be reached, and she will now go from sexy-teen idol to sexy college kid idol.

Marketing polls show that World of Warcraft is the hot trend of that age group and of male audiences as well. Despite skepticism from people close to Britney, a desperate Spears decides to embrace the report and go for it. Management begins searching for music styles that are heavily produced to support Spears' singing style, are heavy on the imagery of WoW, and additionally provide more musicians to add depth to her live shows.

Britney Spears managers find their answer in Europe's symphonic power metal scene in groups like Blind Guardian and Rhapsody of Fire. The scene adds additional musicians, heavy production, and all the imagery of fantasy games like WoW. By the end of 2009, Spears will re-release Blackout as a power metal album, with heavy marketing to the World of Warcraft and Dungeons & Dragon's crowd.

Overnight Britney the Pop Princess will become:



Spears: Warrior Princess!






Rumors of action figures or a RPG are unsubstantiated at this time.





Michael Jackson Is Subject Of New Rob Zombie Film

Rob Zombie will bottom out with the sequel to Halloween, and will search for a new direction to his cult classic horror movies. Luck strikes when Michael Jackson files for bankruptcy and is court ordered to liquidate his assets. In a desperate attempt to pay his dept, Jackson agrees to working with Rob Zombie. Zombie gets investors to back the project when Jackson agrees to release his medical and plastic surgery records, and that in turn allows Jackson to pay substantial portions of his dept.

Ironically, and to the horror of industry insiders, Jackson's medical records reveal that 75% of his physical form has been replaced or surgically altered. The pop star is literally not the same physical person anymore. But the real shock comes when it is revealed that the rumored Elephant Man corpse legend is partially true, but only that it was a cover for the real body he's been dragging around all these years: His! Evidently Jackson has been keeping his original body parts on ice all these years as spares, which in part explains the pasty white coloration of his skin.

Armed with Michael Jackson's medical history and contractual participation, Zombie sets out to recreate the cult classic Night Of The Living Dead series, but this time involving Jackson's revealed medical secrets. Employing Lucas Studios the team is able to reconstruct and animate to film the 75% of Jackson's original body. The remains will be featured as a new modern zombie menace terrorizing Hollywood, consuming helpless actors. In this version, zombie Jackson will create an inhuman army by reanimating the corpses of those who have also had ridiculous amounts of plastic surgery. Look for cameos by Joan Rivers, Cher, Liza Mannelli, Sharon Osbourne, and Pamela Anderson's breasts.








MCs on Broadway

In a desperate bid to revitalize gangsta rap, major labels hatch a plan to reinvigorate the scene through hot new trends. The plan will be to take advantage of the mystery and mystique surrounding the East Coat/West Coast war of the 90's, and marry it to the hot new trend in Hollywood: High School Musical! Armed with high hopes and a dream to target new generations of tweens, the labels try to retell the story of 2Pac and the Notorious B.I.G. by recasting it into the classic golden era of the Hollywood Musical:








It's Sad Because It's True

With the success of the new Heaven and Hell (Dio era Sabbath reunion) album, Sharon Osbourne pulls the long awaited trigger on a full original Black Sabbath reunion. Team Osbourne smells money in a full tour, greatest hits release, and a box set. "We'll blow the Dio era out of the water!" she proudly announces to the press. Toni Iommi, however, talks to Ward and Geezer and everyone still agrees that if they are going to go full Sabbath reunion, then they're only going to go into the project to release what they can play live, trying to force a new album since Osbourne can't perform much of the original material. According to Geezer, "We don't want to play the save songs over and over again, so we need something new." Toni Iommi agrees, "We've been down this road before, and we have to be able to perform what we put on the store racks… Why else release something if you can't do it live?"

A battalion of lawyers latter and the reunion is on, and all four original Black Sabbath members enter the studio to record one new album, a greatest hits package, and a new box set. According to the agreement, there will be equal proceeds with each member getting credits and veto power over the content of each album, the greatest hits and box set will be released by years end, the new album is set for release in 2010, and the material presented on all albums must be agreed on all people and are to be played live on a Summer/Fall world tour. The agreement is finally reached when Sharon is granted royalties for giving her rights to promote the new material.

Sadly, things breakdown immediately in the studio; Osbourne and Iommi can't see eye-to-eye on any new material, Toni will want to go with a more traditional metal sound and Ozzy will want to make a radio hit and a ballad. Things come to a head when Ozzy finally learns he's been committed to sing all these songs live. An angry Ozzy yells, "Fuck that, I can't do some of those anymore! I ain't doing it." Ward and Geezer try to patch it together, "It's OK Oz, that's why we're here in the studio to make new material." Ozzy suggests they bring in Wylde to help record something more his style, and an angry Iommi suggests they bring in Bob Daisley instead… Resulting in Osbourne storming out of the sessions. A press release announces the reunion sessions have broken down and there will be no album.

Sharon immediately goes into damage control and reassures fans there will still be a best of album and a box set. A letter from her lawyers will remind Iommi that he's contractually obliged to release those albums. An angry Iommi fires back that it can only include material they will do live. For once, Sharon Osbourne gets completely caught in the middle as Ozzy will only perform certain songs live while Toni will veto any song that he can't perform live.

The massive cash haul the releases could generate prevails and after a second battalion of lawyers wrangle over the terms of the contract, it's agreed that Black Sabbath is forced to release the greatest hits package and box set despite the fact it will be limited by Ozzy's live performance. Sharon is committed to making the releases sell based on the Sabbath brand name and collectible extras.



First will be released Black Sabbath – The Ozzy Years








It will also get reissued in 2010 with new bonus content:







This will be followed by the much anticipated box set: Black Sabbath - Lords Of Darkness






A limited release of the box set will include:

* Original Lords of Darkness box set
* A ticket to register for a lottery to a get discounted ticket to Ozzfest
* A T-Shirt
* A Christmas card from the Osbournes



Finally, their will also be a limited edition vinyl version of the album released:









It's The Healthy Part Of A Heroes Breakfast

Sadly, the whole Black Sabbath debacle will leave Dio out in the cold as he's invested several years into the reunion. In a bid to earn some quick cash to fuel his own band again, he sells his name for marketing purposes. Dio quickly becomes a hot brand name in Europe and makes its way onto consumer products.







Well hell, I want some!







Random Pictures

Some of the best things to hit the column, or cross my way. Enjoy!


















Dedicated to those who think Metallica are not heavy metal

















OK everyone. We're officially calling it a new year. Hope you enjoyed yourself and next week we're back to brass tacks. Raise the horns and turn it up to 10!