Face Off 01.08.09: It's the Dance-Off-Athon Spectacular!

Posted by Michael Adler on 01.08.2009

This may be perhaps the greatest spectacle ever witnessed in the HISTORY of 411mania.





Mike begins the dance: Much like the spike in ice cream consumption and murder in the summer leads to the logical conclusion that ice cream induces a trance-like state of cold blooded rage leading to murder, one can conclude that the rise in popularity of dance-related shows on network television (Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You can Dance, Dance Now Bitch!, etc.) occurring at the same time as the economic collapse is the cause of the current meltdown. All of these shows are, of course, horrible, but I will embrace the general idea to make something awesome to talk about this week: The Dancing-Douche-Off-Athon Spectacular.

Participants will be graded out of 8 1/2 stars in each of three categories for a possible total of 25 stars, which would equate to a perfect dancing douche. These categories are:

Hilarity: Of course getting up on stage and dancing like a douche bag is embarrassing, but it must also be hilarious.

Form: How much of a douche are they making out of themselves on stage? Are they at least attempting to go along with the music?

Cringe Factor: How much does said dancing make the audience cringe?

Let's meet our contestants:

First up we have Scott Weiland. You may know him from Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver or one of his many..."interesting" solo projects. Let's go to the video.




(1:23 mark, falling into drums)

Hilarity: 8 1/3 stars. This is all for his inventing the stumble into the drum maneuver. This is clearly the greatest physical comedy since Buster Keaton was alive, and makes Jim Carey look like a paraplegic drunken uncle. Of course not to be outdone, his dry humping Slash during "Set me Free" is quite hysterical also.

Form: 5 stars. He's making quite a douche of himself on stage here, don't get me wrong: falling into the drums while your drummer's trying to play them? Huge douche form,vbut looking at his moves during "Set me Free"; what the hell is he doing? (Drugs.) He's smooth though.

Cringe Factor: 7 stars. Not completely cringe worthy-and you kind of want to see how he's going to dance next- but on the other hand he looks like an idiot up there sometimes. Yet, you can't avert your eyes. Much like most of his life, it's a train wreck. You need to watch. In addition, he loses a 1/3 of a star for making falling into the drums more hysterical than cringe worthy.

Total: 20 1/3 stars.

Next up we have Radiohead frontman, and sometimes solo artist, Thom Yorke. Let's follow his lead and take a squint at some of his work:






Hilarity: 4 1/6 stars. This is really only funny if you're the type of person who gets off on an epileptic in a China Shop, or if you enjoy Woody Allen's current movies where he casts people who are funny elsewhere, but doesn't bother to write them any funny lines for the film.

Form: 3 stars. What the hell is he doing up there? Holy crap, he's not even listening to the song...he's just...kind of flailing around randomly. It's a wonder he doesn't fall of the stage. The three stars are purely for looking like a douche-otherwise he's apparently listening to a completely different song than what the rest of the band is playing.

Cringe factor: 8 1/3 stars. Yorke gets the perfect score here. What brings the cringe factor up so much here is that, upon seeing them in concert, they'll do maybe ten, fifteen songs, really well, with nothing more odd than his high pitched voice and a little squint. And then bam! Douche flailing. All over the stage! When I saw them, I swear I called 911, and asked for an ambulance. Thom York is having a seizure. The dispatchers were not pleased and explained to me that it was perfectly normal. I don't see how that can be normal. It's terrifying.

Total: 15 1/2 stars

And finally, we'll take a look at some of Talking Heads' David Byrne's work:





Hilarity: 8 1/3 stars. David Byrne's always a blast to watch, and he's a little different than everyone on this list, as he knows he's being hysterical. Needless to say, he's making a bit of a douche bag of himself up on the stage, self-aware or not. Still, his flinches during the chorus of Life during Wartime are hysterical, and I laughed out loud when he started to jog around the stage. Props to his drunken stumble during Once in a Lifetime.

Form: 8 1/3 stars. Simply brilliant. He's being absolutely ridiculous on stage, yet it goes with the music perfectly. The other contestants should study his work carefully.

Cringe Factor: 2 stars. Sure, the first time you see Byrne perform, you might say what the hell is he doing? But, alas he's too self-aware to earn a high score in this category. It doesn't help him that the music's so good, you can put up with his antics.

Total 18 2/3 stars

Looks like Weiland's won this round.

We'll go to our other judge Randy for his scores, and then have closing arguments on the biggest dancing douche.

---

Randy joins the dance:This is one monumental Douche-Off. Here are my candidates.

First up is Cedric Bixler Zavala of The Mars Volta, a group of people who play instruments at the same time.





Hilarity: 4.5 stars. I mean, it's -pretty- silly. And his occasional Michael Jackson moves stand in stark contrast to the mostly humorless music behind him. But Yorke has him beat on pure spasticity, and Weiland has him beat on sheer outrageousness. Still, using the microphone as a broom is pretty stupid

Form: 5 stars. Totally disconnected with the music, but very connected with drugs. He has a little rhythm, but no flow.

Cringe Factor: 6 stars. The audience seems to eat it up, but it certainly makes me cringe. He can't quite get that extra cringe though because the movements are too disconnected. It has that car wreck factor associated with it.

Total: 16.5 stars. He -may- win on pure doucheiness, though



Remember, kids, moshing is for conformists. Do what Cedric says instead!

Next up is perhaps the most charismatic frontman of all time, the one and only amazing David Coverdale:

(best part is clearly the butt jiggle around 3:30)

(Particularly during the solo)

Hilarity: 5 stars. Coverdale's knee-bending bop move on the "Still of the Night" video must be seen to be believed. The fact that, during the solo, he TAKES OFF THE JACKET, before doing more of the move as if it's different, makes it all amazing. When he starts twirling the microphone stand like a stripper who had to dance for 4 minutes but ran out of moves after 30 seconds, you can't help but chuckle.

Form: 7 stars. Despite being nearly 90, he still moves perfectly with the music, and as silly as his dancing is, it fits.

Cringe Factor: 7.5 stars. The butt jiggle dance made my face melt. Unfortunately the camera was behind him, but we can only assume the mouth on his leathery, middle-aged face was horribly pursed with attitude.

Total: 22.5 stars.

Taking us home is the underrated 80's icon himself, Kip Winger.





Hilarity: 8 stars. Now THAT'S 80's hair band dancing. Basically, he has three moves, the sort of sideways glide (!), the KICK (!!), and...HE SPINS...WITH HIS BASS!

"Sir, we've found this great new act called Winger. The frontman, a nice Jewish boy named Kip, can SPIN...WITH HIS BASS!"

"How many rotations can he get in one shot?"

"Up to three, sir!"

"...

...

Sign this band!"

Form: 7 stars. His moves are fluid and always in time with the music. Though one wonders why he even brought his bass to the video shoot if he was going to barely play it. Also, as in concert, he actually -has to- play the bass AND sing, he can't spin live in concert. If he could, clearly this wouldn't be a contest.

Cringe Factor: 7 stars. Was he trying to set the world record for most spins during a single music video?

Total: 22 stars.

For me, it may be too close to call between Weiland, Coverdale, and Winger. The floor is yours, Adler.

---

Mike says you got served: Wow, how was I not aware of Winger's ode to statutory rape? And how is it that despite the song being about picking up women, I still somehow lost 75% of my heterosexuality watching this video? (not that there's anything wrong with that (although there is something wrong with taking up space that should be dedicated to original content with a 15 year old Seinfeld reference. (crap...how deep am I into the parenthesis...(three...no now that's four.)))) Regardless, after fifteen minutes in my room with a ding dong with a hole cut into it, my heterosexuality levels are back to optimum levels.

As for David Coverdale's butt jiggle...I think that was accidental. Clearly he had a wedgie he was taking care of. Unfortunately I'm going to have to disagree with your inclusion of those two eighties icons, as I wouldn't quite classify them as pure douchebags, so much as creepy old men. It was close with Kip though, because his arrogant sneer and his tendency to only have one hand on the bass at any time came dangerously close to really pissing me off.

Cedric: Couldn't agree more. I love Mars Volta's music, but hate their attitude. And, yes, Cedric waggles around on stage more than a spastic colon. And my God! The hair. So much hair waving around is causing air currents that affect the weather around the globe. Mars Volta cause El Nino! I mean seriously, they've got enough hair there to feed a small third world country (or Rhode Island) for a week. What's sadder, is that the band quit doing drugs a few years ago, yet his disconnect with the music could not be anymore complete.

So, after careful consideration I would eliminate Coverdale, Winger, and Byrne (it doesn't count if you're in on the joke.). Looking at our star totals, it looks like Weiland wins! In my book, he is the champion dancing douche! And he gets beaten up by his wife on occasion.

Your final winner?

---

Randy says you're reserved: How does 15 minutes with a hollow black object make you more heterosexual? You know, let's not even go there.

Point taken on Coverdale/Winger not quite being dancing douches, per se, but their influence on dancing douchery cannot be understated. Perhaps, in the future, we can do a column dedicated purely to "Most Bombastic and Embarassing 80's Dance Moves".

For pure douchtosity, Cedric has to be the winner. I mean, did you see when he told the crowd that they mosh because they "watch too much TV"? Really?

But this isn't about pure douchhood. This is about the only man with the dedication to express his douchedness no matter what the song, venue, or band he's playing with, the only man who will slither with the beat and dry hump the soloist at just the right moment. Clearly Scott Weiland is the winner.

Let's just take one moment to trace the evolution of his dancing douchery via a chronology of clips featuring Weiland on Letterman.



In this early clip from 1993, we see the Dancing Douche in his inchoate stages. The movements are ridiculous and embarrassing, but not quite fluid or particularly in time with the song. Not helping was that Weiland was still in his "chubby frat boy" phrase and not yet the lovable skinny heroine addict we know today.



In this clip from 1994, at about 1:30 we see Weiland starting to develop his trademark moves, but still looking like an awkward James Brown/Axl Rose hybrid. And, the heroin hasn't really hit yet.



1998. And...now the heroine has hit. At about a minute in the dancing douche is in full effect, and peaking. Fast forward to:



With Velvet Revolver. Clearly the Dancing Douche is past his peak, as his dancing has become a Mick Jagger-esque self parody. Somehow, this makes him a better Dancing Douche than ever.

No one has the dedication to Dancing Douchability that Scott Weiland has. He's a unanimous winner.

---

And there you have it! Scott Weiland is the first ever 411mania Dancing-Douche-Off-Athon Spectacular winner! Join us next week when we take dancing out of the equation and debate which is better: Massengill or Summer's Eve!