Under the Scalpel 1.15.09: The Worst 20 Songs To Pound My Eardrums in 2008 (Part 1)

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 01.15.2009

Worst Songs of 2008 including Christina Aguilera, Kanye West, Kid Rock, Metallica, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Staind, and, of course, Lil Wayne. Join me as I mercilessly deliver justice upon no-talent douchebags masquerading as musicians, vocalists and songwriters.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. For three free tracks that will rock your panties off, check out www.asimplecomplex.com

Over the last two weeks, I shared The Best 30 Songs To Pound My Eardrums in 2008.

This week I offer part one of the worst 20 songs that forced me to run to the nearest blackboard and drag my fingernails down it in an effort to block out the crap that these artists had the nerve to call music.

#20 Kid Rock – All Summer Long
How About A Little Effort Next Time?
Kid Rock (or more accurately, Kid Pop) has taken the lazy route to hitmaking one step further this year. In his 2000 single, "American Bad Ass," Rock rambled on about the bands he likes in bad karaoke style over Metallica's "Sad But True" (is there even such a thing as ‘good karaoke'?). Eight years later, Rock is now narrating over Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" about how hearing "Sweet Home Alabama" reminds him of a girl he fooled around with while listening to... "Sweet Home Alabama." In "All Summer Long," Rock combined "Sweet Home Alabama" with Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" in a way reminiscent of the billion internet mash-ups done by amateur DJ's trying to get noticed. Rather than listen to someone talk over a song he likes while telling you how much he likes the song, just listen to Lynyrd Skynrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" minus the stupid commentary.
Something better: Lynyrd Skynrd - Sweet Home Alabama

#19 Staind – Believe
Kings Of Wuss Rock Strike Again
Staind lost me years ago with "It's Been Awhile," one of the most boring and repetitive 'rock' songs ever written. Since then, it's been an endless string of mopey, ultra-introspective whining and lamenting that could lull the wildest toddler to sleep. "Believe" is no exception. "I sit alone and watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts. All I think about is you and so I cry myself to sleep… Believe in me." And to think these guys actually used to kinda rock with songs like "Suffocate," "Raw," and "Mudshovel." What a disgrace. Choose 10 Years instead.
Something better: 10 Years - Beautiful

#18 Kanye West & Lil Wayne – See You In My Nightmare
Go Emo Young West
I wanted to like Kanye West's attempt to do more with his art than babble on about "Drunk and hot girls" and "It's a celebration, bitches!" Unfortunately, in "See You In My Nightmare," there are too many tragic flaws to properly convey any real feeling of loss and suffering. Excessive autotuning, unnecessary bragging, and a laughable singing voice ruin West's attempt at creating a song that can be taken seriously. And it also doesn't help that Lil Wayne keeps jumping in like an idiot with mood-killing foolishness like, "You think your shit don't stink but you are Mrs. P-U." Listen to Atmosphere's "Fuck You Lucy" for true angry heartache. Read my full review of "See You In My Nightmare" here.
Something better: Atmosphere - Fuck You Lucy

#17 Metallica – The Day That Never Comes
More Disappointment From World's Biggest Metal Has-Beens
The lead single from Metallica's latest album should have been titled "The Return To Glory That Never Comes." After the Black Album, Metallica has repeatedly insisted that their "next album" would be a return to metal excellence. A string of broken promises has ensued ever since. If you went back in time to 1985 and played "The Day That Never Comes" for Cliff Burton, he'd probably punch you in the face. And rightly so. The first half of the song is just as boring as previous album's lead single, "St. Anger". The second half is a half-assed attempt to photocopy their 1980s sound. Listen to "Dyer's Eve" from ...And Justice For All instead and you will be immediately reminded of how good this band used to be, and realize how terrible they still are now.
Something better: Metallica - Dyer's Eve

#16 Christina Aguilera – Keeps Gettin' Better
Super Bitch Can Go Pound Sand
A stolen rhythm, silly noises, and masochistic lyrics comprise Christina Aguilera's awful new song for her 2008 Greatest Hits collection. According to this song, "Super Bitch" requires her man to accept her indulgences, antics and mistreatment without question because she has female sex apparatus. I, for one, don't agree that being female automatically grants diplomatic immunity. But if you think this is the case, go ahead and hit the club tonight with your clear heels, belly ring and tramp stamp displayed proudly. For the rest of us who like a dance song that's actually worth listening to, try Eminem and Nate Dogg's "Shake That" instead. Read my full review of "Keeps Gettin' Better" here.
Something better: Eminem & Nate Dogg - Shake That

#15 Nickelback – Gotta Be Somebody
Cock Rock Hit Needs Viagra
Poser-rock giants, Nickelback, returned with yet another mainstream rock ballad that is sure to get both your father and kid sister pumping their fists. "Gotta Be Somebody" bursts forth with the band's familiar homogenized sound, leaving their Russell Brand-chastising fans starry-eyed and their critics yawning. Lead Singer Chad Kroeger's voice cracks with a forced overwhelming emotion as he delivers the song's opening lines, "I wonder what it feels like to find... the one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough..." If you're looking for a well-sanitized power ballad for your daughter's purity ball, this song will work delightfully. But if you want hard rock with sack still attached, choose Black Stone Cherry. Read my full review of "Gotta Be Somebody" here.
Something better: Black Stone Cherry - Blind Man

#14 Flobots – Handlebars
Non Sequitur Lyrics Hit A New Low
I like the occasional stupid song from time to time, complete with a singer who really can't sing, and lyrics that are terrible yet still oddly entertaining. Sometimes these elements of rubbish magically come together in a strange mystical way and the song somehow ends up being great (see Mellow Gold by Beck). But this song is just plain awful. "I can tie a knot in a cherry stem. I can tell you about Leif Ericson. I know all the words to 'De Colores'. And I'm proud to be an American. Me and my friend saw a platypus. Me and my friend made a comic book." And it just goes on and on. "I can hand out a million vaccinations or let them all die in exasperation. Have 'em all healed of their lacerations. Have 'em all killed by assassination." There is no wit to be found here, just a rhyming dictionary and pure stupidity. Listen to Beck's "E-Pro" instead.
Something better: Beck - E-Pro

#13 Third Eye Blind – Non-Dairy Creamer
Not Funny Just Stupid
What's worse than a bad Weezer song? Answer: Third Eye Blind trying to sound like a bad Weezer song. "In regards to 'Non-Dairy Creamer,' indeed humor is the intent," Lead Singer/Songwriter Stephan Jenkins told stereogum.com. Stephan's attempt at humor is as follows, "Two gay guys got married... just a couple of queens... They brought marriage to an end and I found myself some culprits. It's two young gay Republicans." I've got one word for you, Steve: FAIL. Want a song that's actually funny? Try Weird Al's "White and Nerdy."
Something better: Weird Al - White and Nerdy

#12 Lil Wayne – Mrs. Officer
Lay Off The Hallucinogens
Having his tour bus stopped by Border Patrol last year perhaps served as Lil Wayne's inspiration for the lyrics to "Mrs. Officer", which tells the story of being seduced by a female cop and satisfying her so well that she moans like a police cruiser siren. "She put me in her car. She cut off her lights. She said I had the right to remain silent. Now I got her hollering, sounding like a siren." Bobby Valentino provides a tacky re-creation of the sound a swooning female cop supposedly makes when witness to a substantive penal offense. Please note for future reference that traveling on a tour bus loaded with 105 grams of marijuana, 41 grams of ecstasy and almost 29 grams of cocaine may lead to having bizarre fantasies and writing very stupid songs. For a female cop fantasy, stick with "Sir Psycho Sexy" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers instead.
Read my full review of "Mrs. Officer" here.
Something better: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Sir Psycho Sexy (Live)

#11 Soulja Boy – Donk
She's Got A What?
Soulja Boy is the king of superfluous lyrics. This kid has absolutely nothing worthwhile to say, and he insists on saying it a million times. I got a headache 20 seconds into his song, "Donk", which consists of the world's worst drum machine and a bunch of people shouting things like "shake some with it," "throw the towel in," "bend it, get it," and "she's got a donk" again and again and again. And worse, on first listen it sounds like everyone is shouting, "She's got a dong," which, left uncorrected, is bound to raise a few eyebrows at the clubs. Forget about Soulja Boy (or Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em as he likes to be called) and listen to some real rap, like Public Enemy's 2007 single "Black is Back," instead.
Something better: Public Enemy - Black Is Back

Next week, I will present the ten worst songs to trigger my gag reflex in 2008, including more from Soulja Boy, Nickelback, and, of course, Lil Wayne. Join me as I prove that the pen is mightier than the sword and mercilessly slaughter a pack of Wonder Bread gangsta wannabes, some neo-maxi-zoom-dweebies from Lancashire, a four man circle jerk, and plenty of no-talent bimbos.

For great justice.