Under the Scalpel 1.22.09: The Worst 20 Songs To Pound My Eardrums in 2008 (Part 2)

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 01.22.2009

Worst Songs of 2008 part two including Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Ting Tings, and, of course, Lil Wayne. Join me as my hammer of justice flattens its last batch of no-talent douchebags masquerading as musicians, vocalists and songwriters.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. For three free tracks that will rock your panties off, check out www.asimplecomplex.com

This week I offer you part two (the first part can be found here.) of the worst 20 songs that drove me to jab freshly sharpened #2 pencils into my earholes to block out the horrific sounds that these artists had the nerve to call music.

#10 Lady Gaga – Poker Face
A Few Cards Short Of A Full Deck
When I reviewed Lady Gaga's second single, "Poker Face," it had yet to chart in America. I did predict, however, that although "it has yet to land on the US Billboard Hot 100... mainstream American pop culture will inevitably gobble this crap up like a Baconator at a trailer park association meeting." Sure enough, this song has spent the last four weeks stinking up the Hot 100 with its totally unoriginal music and terribly unclever double-entendres involving playing cards. The song reaches its ultimate stupidity with the line, "I won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, 'cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin." The idea of hiding the fact that you love someone by having sex with him really lets that skankiness shine through. And the lyric, "I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunnin'" paints a trashy picture only a true bimbo could appreciate. If you enjoy dumb double-entendres, disregard Christina Two and enjoy the much better "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" by Bloodhound Gang. Read my full review of "Poker Face" here.
Something better: Bloodhound Gang - Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

#9 Jay-Z & T.I. Featuring Kanye West & Lil Wayne – Swagga Like Us
Four Men Perform A Big Circle Jerk
"Swagga Like Us" is the work of four rappers who felt the need to spend nearly five and a half minutes informing the world that, when they are on a street corner, nobody else walks with more confidence. Loaded with boring arrogance and painful repetition, it includes a plethora of stupid lines, such as, "How [does] it feel to wake up and be the shit and the urine?" Overuse of a sample from "Paper Planes" by MIA (no less than an annoying 28 times) grates on the listener's nerves quickly. Stay away from this complete waste of time. Instead, check out a song featuring four people who got together and made a great rap song Eminem, Cashis, Lloyd Banks and 50 Cent). Read my full review of "Swagga Like Us" here.
Something better: Eminem, Cashis, Lloyd Banks & 50 Cent - You Don't Know

#8 Hollywood Undead – No. 5
Wonder Bread Gangsta Wannabes
Combining bad homemade Slipknot masks, boy band-style singing, childish Limp Bizkit lyrics, and goofy Insane Clown Posse rapping, Hollywood Undead makes Crazy Town look like Run DMC. In their failed attempt to recreate the greatness of the Beastie Boys album Licensed to Ill, these thug wannabes come off instead sounding like a bunch of horny 13 year olds. Not only are the rhymes terrible (pairing 'faggots' with 'Bob Saget', for example), but they also seem to be accidentally insulting themselves. "Take your girl to the sack and we'll take a nap," isn't much to brag about. And "You've got your beer [goggles] on and I'm gettin' ass," is basically an admission of being too ugly to get sober chicks. The music is the combination of bad drum machine percussion sounds with simple synth melodies that sound too close to Justin Timberlake's music to convey any amount of "bad boy" attitude. In my not-so-humble opinion, these boys need to suffer judgment as laid out in the song "Suburban Ranger" by Stuck Mojo, "I hereby sentence you, wigger, to 100 years confined to a chair, forced to watch episodes of the Andy Griffith Show, Hee Haw, and Lawrence Welk. No parole." Listen to MOD's song "Wigga" instead, a track that could serve as a band biography for this terribly untalented and unoriginal MySpace phenomenon.
Something better: MOD - Wigga

#7 Soulja Boy & Arab – Yahhh
How To Assault Your Fans
Can you think of a better way to treat your adoring fans than screaming YAHHH!! in their face and calling them a bitch? Evidently, Soulja Boy and Arab couldn't. According to this song, if you happen to cross paths with Soulja Boy and ask for an autograph, be prepared for him to crassly yell, "YAHHH, bitch, YAHHH!!" at you, or at least "Get up out my face, you shit-breath dummy." And if you encounter Arab and say, "I really like you, man," you may be greeted with, "Shut the fuck up, bitch!" or perhaps even, "Leave me alone ho before I have to knock your ass out." Success must be pretty rough. I hope when their careers are on the ropes and they're out begging radio stations to play their failing singles, some program director gets nose to nose with them and screams "YAHHH, bitch, YAHHH!!" Plus, just like Ice-T told him, Soulja Boy's music is "garbage." I must agree with Jeff Weiss of LA Weekly who wrote that "Yahhh" is a "legitimate attempt to dethrone 'My Humps'... as dumbest song ever recorded." Don't bother listening to these bad rappers complain about having fans, listen to Will Smith's "Wave 'Em Off" where he properly targets haters, not those who buy his music.
Something better: Will Smith - Wave 'Em Off

#6 Britney Spears – Womanizer
Getting Jerked Around By An Unfaithful, Gold-Digging Husband Inspires Stupid Song
When I reviewed Britney Spears' song "Womanizer" last year, I expected an army of Chris Crockers to beat down my door screaming "Leave Britney Alone!" Instead, the opposite happened. I was told that I went too easy on her. Apparently calling this song "a forgettable anthem for gum-chomping airheads" and using terms like "downright annoying" and "brainless piece of pop trash" was too kind. So, while it is safe to assume I will receive more criticism for not selecting it as #1, there is no doubt that this is one of the worst songs of 2008. Instead of this song, listen to the best song ever written about sleeping around – the 12 minute opus, "Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty of Infidelity" by Type O Negative. Read my full review of "Womanizer" here.
Something better: Type O Negative - Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty of Infidelity

#5 Ting Tings – Shut Up And Let Me Go
Gag Me With A Pom-Pom
The music in the Ting Tings song, "Shut Up And Let Me Go," is a blatant rip-off of "Good Times," a song by Disco/R&B band Chic. Meanwhile, the song's repetitive chorus, "I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this" makes White's musical roots ("Tell me what you want, what you really really want") painfully evident. This terrible song ended up in one of Apple's many ultra-hip iPod commercials, thereby providing undeniable evidence that success is no longer determined by how good your music is, but instead by how much exposure to today's youth your song receives. For a more in-depth assault on this terrible band, keep reading this article. For a much better breakup song, choose Blue October's "Hate Me" instead. Read my full review of "Shut Up And Let Me Go" here.
Something better: Blue October - Hate Me

#4 Nickelback – Something In Your Mouth
Put A Sock In It
It's pathetic enough when a hard rock band writes a song about dancing. But, it's inexcusable when a hard rock band writes a song about a girl who sucks her thumb while dancing. "You're ripping up the dance floor, honey... I love the way you dance with anybody and tease them all by sucking on your thumb… You look so much cuter with something in your mouth." Even though Lead Singer Chad Kroegar put his own something in his mouth, he's still one of the ugliest men in rock. And the music gets worse every album. If you want a rock song about a hot chick shaking her stuff, ignore Nickelback and go with Buck Cherry's "Crazy Bitch" instead.
Something better: Buck Cherry - Crazy Bitch

#3 Blackout Crew – Put A Donk on It
Nerdy Brits Narrate Their Own Song
In "Put A Donk On It," a group of British techno geeks are heard commenting about music… namely their own song. The crew's first neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, Cover, halts the song a few seconds into it to make a suggestion. "You know what you wanna do with that, mate," he says, "You wanna put a bangin' donk on it!" I can only assume that a "bangin' donk" is a repetitive, mind-numbing beat intended to give the listener a splitting headache, because that's exactly what happens next. Then, as Cover shouts out different genres, "Bassline... Electro... Techno," that element is added into the song briefly, causing him to repeatedly express his satisfaction with how things are going, complete with a thick Lancashire accent and dialect. "Yeah, it's sick, that... That is sick, that, mate... Ah, wicked... Yeah, that's sick..." Then, it gets worse – these "oop north" Wonder Bread lads have the nerve to begin rapping. "Phat as hell without cellulite and I look well sick in a UV light. Speakin' of sick, that's me on the mic and if you don't like it, get on your bike." Did I mention that they use the word "sick" a few times? Or maybe it's more like a thousand times. Coincidentally, that's how the song makes me feel. Don't torture yourself with this bollocks. For great electronica that rocks the mutt's nuts, Celldweller is the way to go.
Something better: Celldweller – The Last Firstborn

#2 Lil Wayne – A Milli
A New Song For Guantanamo Bay Detainees
After listening to this song for the first time, I sat dumbfounded for minute. I thought to myself, "I may have just heard the worst song in my entire life." I would liken the experience to when I used to share an apartment with a friend who wouldn't wake up when his alarm clock went off at 3AM, letting it ring incessantly (and very loudly) for half-an-hour before I had to finally break down, go pound on his door and scream, "Hey!" – at which point he would always yell back, "What?" (as if an air raid siren wasn't going off in his room.)

At the beginning of this track, a sample of someone saying "A Milli" begins repeating itself and it does not stop for the entire song. Percussion sounds (kick, snare and clap) rivaling the quality of a Casiotone keyboard from 1985 appear, only making matters worse. The only thing to save me from this Clockwork Orange style of torture was the hope that BET's 2008 Lyricist of the Year, Lil Wayne, could distract me with some clever rhymes or perhaps some witty banter. When Wayne began rapping, I soon realized that all hope was lost. "I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed... I be the shit, now you got loose bowels... You pop 'em 'cause we pop 'em like Orville Redenbacher."

By the time I was halfway through the song, I felt like I was being waterboarded. Had the military at the Guantanemo Bay Naval Base put aside the Pantera, Queen and Eminem and instead chosen this song for the detainees, confessions could have been collected as easily as winning lottery tickets.
Something better: ANYTHING. Well, with the exception of…

And the worst song of 2008 is
#1 Ting Tings – That's Not My Name
Rotten Apple

♫ Here's the story of a girl named Katie who was singing in a group named TKO. She liked bands like Backstreet Boys, and the Spice Girls. Her dad ran out of dough. ♫

♪ Here's the story of a man named Julesy who was busy with failed bands of his own. He wrote songs he called quite dull and boring for Wham! and TKO. ♪

♫ Til the one day when no-talent met no-talent. ♫

♪ And they recorded the song "That's Not My Name." ♪

♫ Now this song has somehow climbed the pop charts, ♫

♪ Makes ya want to put a gun up to your brain. ♪

♫ The Ting Tings Bunch, the Ting Tings Bunch. ♫

♪ The only hit that they deserve is a donkey punch. ♪

"That's Not My Name" is more than just an obvious rip-off of the already-horrible Toni Basil song, "Mickey." First, Lead Vocalist Katie White is completely tone deaf, singing like a cheerleader who has been doing whippits under the bleachers while dancing naked for the entire football team. And second, I could be more enlightened by a conversation with a drunk Britney Spears discussing time travel than anything this band has to offer lyrically.

Any time I start to hear "That's Not My Name," I pray for an ex-girlfriend to find me and begin to explain loudly, in the most colorful terms known to man, how much of a prick I am, simply in an effort to drown out White's voice.

For people to label this band as 'indie' pop is a hard, fast kick in the crotch to every struggling unsigned pop artist who has written good (and original) songs and has yet to be discovered. If you want to learn the truth about the Ting Tings, read this for an eye-opening exposé. Then, if you still feel like hearing a girl complain loudly (without annoying the living piss out of you) try the much better "Girl Anachronism" by Dresden Dolls instead.
Something better: Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism

Dishonorable Mentions (in alphabetical order):
Guns N Roses – Chinese Democracy Read my full review here.
Jonas Brothers – When You Look Me In The Eyes
Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl
Lil Wayne – Lollipop
Madonna & Justin Timberlake – 4 Minutes
Miley Cyrus – 7 Things
NKOTB & Ne-YO - Single
Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up
T Pain & Ludacris – Chopped and Screwed Read my full review here.
Teyana Taylor – Google Me
VIC – Get Silly

There were probably a lot of other terrible songs in 2008 that I never came in contact with. Feel free to share your horror stories in the comment section below so I can know which artists, and I use that term loosely, to avoid in 2009. Don't be shy. Talking about traumatic events has been proven to lessen the incident's power over the victim. Like a satisfying colon flush and wheatgrass enema, allow us to cleanse your soul from the bottom up.

Next week, the column returns to dissecting pop culture one song a time. So until then, as Mike from the Underworld Rock Show always says, "Keep your amps hot, your Jäger cold, and rock on."