Under the Scalpel 1.29.09: Glasvegas, Britney Spears, 3OH!3

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 01.29.2009

Glasvegas sings about every parent's worst nightmare, Britney says "Alpha Kenny Buddy," and 3OH!3 somehow avoid an ass-kicking of biblical proportions.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. For three free tracks that will rock your panties off, check out www.asimplecomplex.com

Glasvegas - Flowers And Football Tops
Gruesome Murder Inspires Grim Ballad

"Flowers And Football Tops" was written about every parent's worst nightmare. The song was inspired by the gruesome 2004 murder of an innocent Scottish boy named Kriss David, a racially-motivated crime that prosecutors called "one of the worst and most appalling crimes of inhumanity against an effectively defenseless boy."

In March 2005, Imran "Baldy" Shahid set out on the streets of Glasgow, Scotland with four other Asian members of his gang to seek revenge against "white bastards" who had injured his pride the night before. Fifteen-year-old Kriss Donald was randomly abducted, stabbed thirteen times, doused in gasoline and set on fire simply because of the color of his skin and the fact that he was friendly with members of the gang who had attacked Shahid the night before.

After a jury put all five people involved behind bars, Donald's mother said, "Justice has been done. It is over." But not without making an impact on the frontman of a band from Glasgow named Glasvegas.

"Sometimes when you read things or see things on TV, you can't help but put yourself in the position of people's misfortune. That was on my mind when I heard about the murder of Kriss Donald," frontman James Allan told The Razz, "It's about a kid who never made it home."

The song's lyrics don't dwell on the macabre details of Donald's murder but instead relate the grief of a mother in mourning. The repeated use of the word "baby" makes it all the more sentimental.

"Baby, why you not home yet?
Baby, it's getting late.
I wish you would be home by now.
Door bell rings, just who could it be at this time?
Police on my left and right,
My son's not coming home tonight...
Baby, baby, baby, why you?"

The song ends with a modified version of words from "You Are My Sunshine" that tugs at the heartstrings, "I hope you noticed how much I loved you. How could they take my sunshine away?"

As for the song's title, it is a fairly safe assumption that visions of flowers sent to the family and the boy's football jersey on the television inspired the name. "They don't need to show flowers and football tops... My baby's gone."

Allan's heavy Scottish accent can make it somewhat difficult to understand the lyrics. But, for those who enjoy singers who enunciate with the interesting phonemes of their homeland, Allan's vocals will hold a peculiar appeal. His voice is somewhat reminiscent of early songs sung by U2's Bono in his younger days as he wailed away in "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and "New Year's Day."

The music is fairly noisy in a Sonic Youth and early Radiohead sort of way, especially toward the end. If the college-band 'wall of noise' sound turns you off, be sure instead to listen to the gripping acoustic version for a crystal clear rendition of this powerful song.

Originally released in 2007 as a b-side to their independently-released single "Daddy's Gone," the song was re-recorded for the band's debut full-length album released last September.

Rating: *** (3 out of 5)

Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Alpha Kenny Buddy

"If You Seek Amy," the randy third single from Britney Spears' latest album, Circus, is stirring up almost as much controversy as her personal life. Whereas Spears' music has most often been known for its flirtatious and teasing nature, this song comes right out and begs for a good pounding.

Let me spell it out for you.

Spoken aloud, the words "If You Seek Amy" reveal themselves to be a real knee-slapper – a homophonic phrasing of F, U, C, K, Me.

So funny we forgot to laugh.

The biggest problem with this juvenile gag is trying to make the phrase "If You Seek Amy" work in the same part of a sentence that is asking for a steamy roll in the hay.

Taken literally, the main chorus line, "All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to if you seek Amy" makes no sense. This track's songwriters, whom I envision as Beavis and Butthead incarnate, failed miserably at trying to shove this square peg of a phrase into the round hole of the song's lyrics (pardon the comparison). This leaves those unable to figure out the joke wondering what on Earth Spears is rambling on about.

The rest of the lyrics are simply filler about looking for a girl named Amy, such as, "So tell me if you've seen her. Let me know what she was wearing and what she was like, 'cause I've been waiting here forever. Let me know where she was going. I don't mind."

Apparently the same soccer moms that have been buying Spears' albums for their pre-teens, which include such wholesome lyrics as, "Get naked, take it off," were not prepared to hear this naughty word being spelled out from the mouths of babes.

"I was astonished and totally taken aback when I heard my five- and seven-year-old kids walking around the house singing F, U, C, K'," said a parent to Undercover News. "When I asked them what it was, they told me it was Britney Spears. I was horrified".

The media, it seems, is now caught in the middle of this controversy because the song was chosen as a single and is being pushed to radio outlets. "We have a responsibility to the public," said Patti Marshall of Cincinnati's Q102, "It's not about us. It's about the mom in the mini-van with her eight-year-old."

Due to the fact that some radio stations are reportedly altering the chorus line by either dropping the "K" or inserting a different name in place of "Amy" to satisfy angry parents and the outraged advocacy group, Parents Television Council, this single is beginning to see some airplay.

As for the song's music, it is unsurprisingly as juvenile as its lyrics. A "Naa Naa N'Naa Naa!" melody crafted for junior high school students is perfect for sticking your tongue out or thumbing your nose while wiggling your fingers at your arch nemesis from across the playground, but that's about it.

One listen and you'll agree – if you see Kay this song and its see you next Tuesday singer.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)

3OH!3 – "Don't Trust Me"
Goofy Caucasian Rappers Are Sexy?

As I look at the comments on 3OH!3's myspace page and see girl after girl refer to this band as "hot," "sexy," "rad," "cool," and so on, I yearn for someone to please explain to me how white rapping disco goofball-geeks have become so popular. And sexy.

Back in the day, if two envelope-white, hyperactive dweebs recorded themselves rapping corny jokes, with a flow comparable to Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok," over cheesy electronic beats, they'd get their asses kicked like a soccer ball with the school principal's picture drawn on it.

And if a video of them dancing around to that song in floral underwear surfaced, the ass-kicking would reach biblical proportions.

Apparently that's not how things work anymore. Welcome to 2009?

Ever since the Beastie Boys exploded onto the scene in 1986 with rock/rap crossover classics like "No Sleep Til Brooklyn" and fun, silly songs like "Girls" and "Brass Monkey", an endless stream of human saltines have since tried in vain to copy the magic of the monumental party-rap album Licensed to Ill.

Twenty-something years later, following in the footsteps of Vanilla Ice, Snow, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and a slew of other white rap acts with nothing new or important to say, we are being subjected to two new millennium party-rap dorks, collectively known as 3OH!3, named in honor of their Colorado area code.

These doofus MCs look like MGMT, act like Blink 182, write lyrics like Crazy Town, and sound like Maroon 5 after night of heavy drinking. Their song "Don't Trust Me," written about an under-21 girl at the bar trying to play with the big boys, has spent six weeks on the Billboard Hot 100.

"X's on the back of your hands,
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands,
And your setlist you stole off the stage,
Had red and purple lipstick all over the page."

The chorus is a tongue-in-cheek parody of boy bands that comes way too close for comfort. Its falsetto, "She wants to touch me, whoo-oo!" could easily be mistaken for a Backstreet Boys song if taken out of context. The only thing separating this song's hook from bands like N' Sync is the lyrical content, "Don't trust a ho. Never trust a ho."

The group's attempts at being clever might, at best, elicit an occasional chuckle. But, more often they inspire a rolling of the eyes. Such is the case with lines like, "Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him," and "Shoosh, girl. Shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."

Even though this song is danceable, silly and fairly unassuming, don't let these thug-wannabes fool you. Behind the pop success of "Don't Trust Me" is two loud-mouth homeboys, as evidenced in the video for another of their songs, Holler Til You Pass Out, where they represent the "303" like Colorado was planning to invade Compton tomorrow.

If you dig Wonder Bread spaz MCs dancing around in their undershorts with an "I'm the Man" gangsta attitude, proudly twist your cap crooked and add this track to the iPod Touch your mommy bought you for Christmas.

Like George Carlin said, "You da fucking honky!"

Rating: ** (2 out of 5)