The Singles Guy 02.04.09: IF U SEEK AMY?
Posted by Jacob Crogie on 02.04.2009
Wow...sexual innuendos abound in this edition with the latest from Britney being the inspiration for the Kickass 5...we also get a bunch of music from across the pond this week...but really..."If U Seek Amy"...is that the best they could come up with?
Well, I got nothing to put here so let's get right down to the biznas and the latest from the former Mrs. Kevin Federline.
Britney Spears- "If U Seek Amy"
Well, I decided I could not ignore this monstrosity any longer. This song is pure and simple crap using a crass and idiotic pun, which makes no sense whatsoever by the way, and building a song around it. I am just baffled by the idiocy of many parents...OH NO...IT SEEMS TO SOUND LIKE F-U-C-K ME! Let's change it to "If You See Amy"...because that really changes the meaning of the song...FUCK THIS AND FUCK THEM! The music behind this is catchy in a shitty way, its so poor that all the kids would love it...the lyrics are idiotic, if they had actually worked the main phrase into the chorus in a witty way, I wouldn't have a problem with it...but it makes no sense. Just in summation...Britney...I haven't wanted to fuck you since you were 16.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: "Love me hate me/Say what you want about me/But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to/If You Seek Amy" Does that make sense to anyone? Disgusting...
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 0/5...Britney...go to hell, do not pass go and do not collect the millions of dollars this song will rake in from idiotic 6th Graders...
The-Dream ft. Mariah Carey- "My Love"
Ugh...two of my least favorite artists on the same track...damn, can anybody else see where this is going? This track isn't my kind of jam, but the girls in the audience will probably be all over this. The-Dream cannot sing to save his life...and that is incredibly evident here. The music is elementary and generic as is the subject matter...we get it, you guys are so in love, like totally. Honestly, there isn't very much I can say about this song, it's not much of one to begin with.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: When I can finally stop listening to it...
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness:0.5/5
Baby Bash ft. Mario- "That's How I Go"
Well this should be equally awesome...a song about pimpin' them hos. Great...but honestly though as hard as I try, I cannot completely trash this track. Baby Bash can rap apparently...I was amazed at his flow in the verses. The song itself has some catchy synth and a nice back beat which anchor it firmly as a Lil' Jon produced track. The chorus starts well, but ends horribly and is a huge letdown when "That's How I Go" comes into play. The lyrics aren't that great and are pretty stock. Where this song shines is in the instrumentation and Baby Bash's tight flow. All and all, not a bad track...but not something I will be listening to alot.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The verses where Baby Bash actually doesn't suck.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 2/5
Gabriella Cilmi- "Sweet About Me"
To all the Europeans reading this column, this track is finally getting AMERICAN release, although it has been out across the pond since June. Let me just start by saying that this girl is 17...wow. I think I'm in love again, honestly, just listen to her voice it's just like Amy Winehouse's without all the crack and skankiness. I am a sucker for this kind of throwback pop, but her biggest obstacle is that she sounds exactly like Winehouse...without all the punch or artistic talent either...also no Mark Ronson...Apparently she "wrote" all these tracks with "help" from Xenomania...the group behind such amazing artists as Girls Aloud (?) and Sugababes (again...?) They are just seeking to jump on the latest trend in pop music, and that is blatantly evident in the lack of soul in this track. There is no feeling...and half the battle in this style is feeling...so I can only give half marks...
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Her voice...ditch these poser wannabes and start making good music.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 2.5/5
I am really developing a hate on for Universal...they keep this shit up and I'll put them on notice!
The Ting Tings- "That's Not My Name"
Same story as above essentially...it's British Invasion week apparently. Another sidenote, I listened to the album version...fuck radio edits, they are stoopid. Now I know some people on 411's music staff have issues with the apparently annoying Ting Tings...(I'm looking at you Ingoldsby...you dingleberry.) I find their kind of underground indie-pop catchy as hell. Although, the repetition in the chorus of this song is a tad annoying...Musically, the rhythms and chord progressions seem familiar and help the listener connect with the track. When Jules De Martino comes in, the song really takes off, he has a great voice and it really contrasts with Katie's at times overly annoying voice. Sure these guys still lack credibility, but I am a fan of this track and that is all that really matters.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The contrast between Jules and Katie in the second half of the song.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 4/5
Saving Abel- "18 Days"
Well here goes everything, this is their big follow up to the surprising mainstream hit "Addicted". I guess this is the direction they are going to go...its like 3 Doors Down meets Nickelback...and it sucks. Typical wussy rock ballad...oh no...inner turmoil...I feel your pain...jackass. Honestly, this song is lacking the balls that "Addicted" had and they just phone this one in. Honestly, it's a 3 Doors Down song...but not a good one...at all...Saving Abel you are officially on notice and your 15 minutes are almost up. Of course this song flew up the Billboard charts...you Americans buy the same generic shit over and over again.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Sell out bitches...I guess I should have known...when the "Addicted" radio edit was as lame as it was.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1.5/5
Tim McGraw- "Nothin' To Die For"
I hate music with a paternal message. Alot. Who are you to tell me that drinking and driving is bad, I forgot how awesome and amazing you are Tim...fuck this. This is a horrible song to begin with, crappy instrumentation and generic chord progressions. Then the lyrics kick in and I hate it even more, we get it...drinking and driving bad. Why the hell should you make money off of this? It's much the same as Dean Brody's "Brothers", you are exploiting horrible things to make money...I expected better from you...There is no real feeling in this track whatsoever it oversimplifies everything and avoids any kind of actual meaning.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: No.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 0.5/5
SONG OF THE WEEK!
Iglu & Hartly- "In This City"
So...another song that has been out in the UK forever is finally making its way to America...except this one is by an American band! This is amazing synth pop with catchy lyrics which is extremely well crafted by talented musicians. They remind me of a great Canadian band called Down With Webster...cheap plug obviously...but anyways, they fuse many styles here bringing alot of rock, rap and pop, mashing it together and producing pretty impressive results. I wanted so badly to hate this track like many other critics who are just shitting on their album but I was drawn in by its catchy charms and almost 80s-esque kitsch!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The fusion of multiple contrasting styles.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 4.5/5!
The Kickass Five Songs with Innuendo!
Following Britney's latest shit fest, let's look at actual witty innuendo!
5.Tom Waits- "Ice Cream Man"
Absolute classic from one of the best songwriters of all time...do I have to spell out the metaphor for you?
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Tom's voice...always amazing.
4.ZZ Top- "Pearl Necklace"
Well...if you don't get it...you can look it up...I'm not explaining this one.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: it's ZZ Top...what isn't epic?
3.The Bloodhound Gang- "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"
Incredibly witty from one of the most underrated bands out there...their satire is second to none.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: TOO...MUCH...INNUENDO...BRAIN...EXPLODE...
2.April Wine- "If You See Kay"
See...Canadians do it better...stupid Britney...My god April Wine kick ass!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: How good they are...and now they play small town fairs...wow.
1.Meat Loaf- "Paradise By The Dashboard Light"
The baseball part of this track is LEGENDARY!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: It's Meat Loaf...everything about him is epic.
So that's it for another week, be sure to tune in same time next week when we get all the latest and the greatest plus all the crap that everyone else likes...
