Face Off 02.12.09: Wherein Mike and Randy Jam about Jams

Posted by Michael Adler on 02.12.2009

Jam bands: Boring or awesome? Read on. Ok, they're really boring.

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Mike jams:Before we get to this week's main topic, I want to ask a small question: Would it be wrong to call Etta James the C-word? Loyal readers of face-off may be surprised to find out that I actually know who Etta James is. And for those not in the know Etta James did two things this weekend in one onstage rant:

1. Criticized Beyonce for the way she sang a song that Etta herself sings a lot, but did not actually originally perform.
2. Criticized the size of President Obama's ears.

Now of course Beyonce deserves to be criticized at every chance because every single song she puts out is worse than the last and she's made no impact on popular culture other than to take up space, but James' remarks still managed to come off as unnecessarily bitter. I think somebody's upset they didn't get invited to the inauguration. It seems that if Stevie Nicks can lower herself to appear in the "Bootylicious" video, Etta James can let Beyonce sing one of her songs that's not even really her song. The size of Obama's ears are beyond the scope of this column.

Alright, onto the main subject here: Attack of the Jam Bands. Phish are reuniting. The Dead (Grateful Dead -Jerry Garcia Corpse) are touring this year. And last but not least, actually most, Greg Allman thankfully has recovered from Hepatitus C so the that The Allman Brothers can do their ten show gig at the Beacon Theater this year. I'd like to proceed with a compliment sandwich for Jam Bands. For those who don't know that I'm ripping that off from an episode of Family Guy, it'll be two compliments with a criticism in the middle.

I can't really complain about the musicianship of any of the bands. Of course the Allman Brothers are one of the greatest bands to ever release an album, and one of the originators of Southern Rock. They're also the best practitioners of said sub genres, making other famous bands such as Lynard Skinnard look like Matchbox 20 in comparison. And let's not forget that "Rambling Man" is the number one song on my list of greatest songs ever. The Dead are another talented group of musicians who can go on without Garcia. I'm not a huge fan, but they're still acceptable. And Phish of course are really just The Grateful Dead Jr., but they wrote "Bouncing Around the Room" which is awesome.

Now my issue: Jamming is really fucking annoying. The fact is that most rock songs come in at a tidy five or six minutes long-they have a structure, and when executed correctly are very effective. Jamming interferes with this, and thus prevents me from seeing the Allman Brothers in concert, which pisses me off. I love "Whipping Post." The album cut is 5:20 of southern blues rock perfection. I do not love "Whipping Post" when it's brutally stretched to 20 minutes. 20 Minutes! That's a 400% increase in length. That's not extended; that's bloated. Furthermore, with Duane long gone, and Dickie Betts fired in 2000, they don't particularly have any guitar players I'm dying to see go for a ten minute solo. The argument can be extended to the Grateful Dead for something such as "Uncle John's Cabin", and Phish as well. Of course I never bothered to find out about any of their other material. Regardless, I will admit that I do not smoke marijuana, so this is perhaps a key component as to why I don't particularly want to see a jam band really jam, as the weed would make me complacent with being bored. As such, it's clearly a key component in the art of a Jam Band.

And now for another compliment: Phish and the Grateful Dead have inspired really awesome Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavors.(Ice Cream does make a person more liable to commit murder, but we'll put that aside for the time being.) Phish Food is Chocolate Ice Cream, Milk Chocolate fish shaped chips, and a marshmallow swirl. While Cherry Garcia is Cherry Ice Cream with Chocolate chips. Ben and Jerry sold out a long time ago, but both of these flavors are absolutely delicious and need to be eaten a full pint at a time. Let's not forget Dave Mathew's bands magic brownie flavor either That one was pretty great also. Your thoughts on ice cream and jam bands?

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Randy Jellies:Looks like we're going to have to have a good time agreeing with each other. Jam bands are pretty useless, although as a fellow non-pot smoker, we could just be a bunch of narcs. I can go for an extended solo or two when I go to a concert, but a twenty minute improv for every song? No thanks.

I suppose there are a few exceptions - Deep Purple being the only one that comes to mind. And then, a twenty minute version of "Space Truckin" sounds great, but try sitting through it. If it culminates with the destruction of guitars and amps, fine. Otherwise, one solo from guitar or keyboard is fine.

So, the Allman Brothers are clearly in the top five bands of all time, in no part due to their focus on tightly packed songs, but let's not forget the 20 minute jam on Eat a Peach. Does it really add much to their legacy? Nah.

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Mike rejams:Shit. It looks like we closed out the topic in just two exchanges. But in the interest of maintaining the column structure and filing space here's an idea kind of related to jamming...it's just jamming fists.

Not to make light of domestic abuse in any way or means, but Chris Brown, an artist I'm barely aware of and do not care about at all missed the Grammys, an awards show that I'm barely aware of and do not care about at all, because he allegedly assaulted Rihanna, an artist who's further off my cultural radar than Sam Cooke. He apparently beat the silent H our of her name.

This brings up the question: What if some other famous musicians got in a fight?

Let's take for example Fleetwood Mac: In this case we could have a hell of a battle royale. Everyone in that band dated everyone else at some point. I guess it would be a mixed tag with Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Nicks vs. Christine and John McVie with Mic Fleetwood as the referee. Probably wouldn't be a fair match. I think Christine Mcvie could take on all comers by herself. Lindsay Buckingham probably wouldn't stand a chance, even with Stevie Nicks in his corner. He seems so...delicate. Of course it's tough to tell if Mic Fleetwood would call it down the middle because he always looks so shifty playing drums with the rest of the band. The one thing that's for sure is that a Peter Greene run-in would be awesome.

The other showdown I'd really like to see would be a no-holds barred rumble between Bruce Springsteen and his wife Patti Scalfa. Actually, make it a lumberjack match with the E Street Band surrounding them ready to throw either one back in if they've had too much. (Scary how the wrestling references still come so easily even though I haven't watched regularly for two years.) Anyway, New Jersians really know how to tear shit up so that would be a hell of match. Springsteen's a little older now, but he can probably still throw shit down. And Scalfais a woman, but she's a red head so she's got some fire. It might go down to a draw.

Any rock star domestic incidents you'd like to see?

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Randy rejellies:Well, clearly, in the Fleetwood Mac rumble, Mick Fleetwood would do a run in, beat the shit out of John McVie and Lindsey Buckingham, and take Stevie and Christie right there in what would be a truly disturbing display.

Ian Gillan vs. Ritchie Blackmore is right up there with the fights that need to happen. If Gillan wins, Candace Night has to be his slave for a week, and if Blackmore wins, he gets to put out a respectable album. Of course, Blackmore has famously decried that Gillan is bigger than him so it wouldn't be a fair fight. I'm torn between then requiring that Gillan has one hand tied behind his back, or Blackmore gets three midgets dressed in Renaissance gear in his corner. Obviously we'd need to go for the latter. Blackmore should win, because he's an awesome guitarist.

Of course, the ultimate rock battle would be Eric Clapton vs. George Harrison Corpse with Pattie Boyd suspended above the ring in a steal cage, with the winner getting the honor of marrying her, treating her like crap, and divorcing a decade later. Though these two had always claimed to be friends, I suspect the confines of the ring would bring out all the deep-seeded hatred brewing for years. I pick Clapton after he nails Harrison with a blues solo.

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And there you have it: Another week, another column of Randy's Deep Purple reference going right over my head. I should probably pick up some of their stuff. I think we learned this week that jam bands are unnecessary and more rock stars should engage in fisticuffs. As always feel free to email questions, comments, and death threats, and join us next week when we discuss what the two fat guys from the Screaming Trees are having for dinner.