Face Off 02.18.09: Wherein Mike and Randy Try to Fix Concerts

Posted by Michael Adler on 02.18.2009

What's wrong with seeing live music these days? Everything!

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Mike tells it like it is:Let's spew some venom this week and talk about why I hate going to concerts. In fairness there's some pluses to it, but there's also a lot of minuses. Basically the good thing about going to a concert is the music. If you go to see a great band you get to see great live music. Unfortunately that's where the plusses end. Maybe if Randy and I discuss this, things will improve.

I briefly touched on my boycott of Ticketmaster two columns ago, but the negative experiences start with them, so we can begin there. As I've said before, fuck them and fuck their "convenience" fee. It's not convenient, and I don't see where exactly they're losing money that they need the fee for online transactions. It seems to me it would be more expensive to buy them in person because Ticketmaster and the venue are paying the person to sell you the ticket. I also really hate having to navigate their goddamned website, selecting which artist to see, seeing if they have tickets and then I get presented with that wavy impossible to read stamp to prove that I'm a real person. It's really just one big hassle.

Now, as for the concert itself, the big detractor here is the crowd. As I understand it, under the Taliban in Afghanistan, if there was some sort of rare public gathering for entertainment, officials would walk around whacking people in the legs with sticks if they got too loud or obnoxious. (source The Kite Runner) I'm certainly not calling for anything like that; we live in America, and one of the great things about this country is that 98% of the time you can act stupidly with little or no consequence. (As a matter of fact, you can act stupidly and then blame others!) In any event, I'll let Randy enumerate on the problems with dancing white girls, but I'll go after my number one miscreant: the smoker. God, I hate smokers. I know we're talking about rock music here, and no rules, etc. But do they really, really need to smoke? Indoors? Cigarettes are certainly bad enough-second hand smoke and all. But somehow these idiots manage to really bring out the industrial strength pot that just absolutely manages to reek without the slightest possibility of a contact high. Dude, seriously, enjoy the music, and smoke pot in the comfort of your own home. On the flip side, I guess I should compliment at least one group of people that are awesome that you see every once in a while: The two fat white guys who get REALLY REALLY excited when a song they like comes on. They're high-fiving, hugging, and chest bumping. The hilarity overcomes the obnoxiousness.

Alright onto more scrooginess: I don't understand crowd reactions sometimes. First of all, there's usually a ridiculously long wait between bands at a concert while the bands sit backstage drinking apple martinis or something. I can understand there being some excitement when they finally take stage...but I don't think there should be any cheers. They haven't really done anything yet. Anyone can walk on stage really. I can walk on stage. You can walk on stage. I mean, I guess my quadriplegic uncle can't....if he forms a band and walks on stage, he gets a standing ovation. Otherwise, the band should need to do at least one song before they get so much as some applause. And what's the deal with singing along? I know music differs from other art in that it's more interactive, but it seems ridiculous to sing along with a band at a concert that I PAID FOR. I paid to see them sing. I don't want to pay 80 dollars to see MUSICIANS and then have to do the work for them. Also, we as humanity need to stop getting ridiculously excited because a band is aware of what town they're in. Again, this isn't terribly difficult to do. Whenever I go somewhere, I know where I am. I even know how to play an instrument! If I go somewhere, and announce that I am in fact in that place, I don't expect wild applause, and neither should a band. And let's face it, with today's modern technology, now more than ever it's easy to know where they are. People go wild when a band says the name of their town, but most bands keep a GPS taped to the back of their guitars, or if it's just a lead singer, to the back of the microphone. They're accurate to five meters without doing any work!

Alright I vented. Your likes and dislikes on going to concerts?

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So does Randy:Well, I won't bother addressing the "they don't have to pay someone to sell you the ticket" line of logic, because, clearly, setting up a website, including bandwidth, programming the site, and setting up a secure connection for transactions is obviously free and no stress on Ticketmaster whatsoever.

Anyway, I'm otherwise going to have to agree. Going to concerts just isn't that fun any more. My enjoyment of a concert is, unfortunately, perfectly correlated with the amount of stupid white people at the concert. I can't go to the White Stripes anymore because the last time I did, some fucking bitch in the row in front of me was dancing to it like it was Justin Timberlake. I can't see Nine Inch Nails anymore because the last time I did some dumbass stood up front and did the same hands-in-the-air bop to every single song. I can't even see Metallica anymore because the last time I did some douche was rocking back and forth to "Broken, Beaten, and Scarred" and the potheads in front of me high-fived and embraced because they started playing "Master of Puppets". "Master of Puppets"? At a Metallica show? No...fucking...way! And I can't go to metal shows, at all, anymore, because, well, have you seen those people? I've actually watched people sing along to Trivium. TRIVIUM! Pretty much, I can only go to Queensryche now.

That, and I'll echo Adler's observation on singing along. Why would you spend a hundred bucks on a ticket then scream so loud you can't hear the band? And I really like "You Got Another Thing Comin", but Judas Priest, we don't need ten minutes of the crowd singing the title line.

That, and fucking encores. I hate encores. "We want to play another song, but we want to make sure you miss your train." Thanks, Motorhead.

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More venom from Mike! You forgot the time we missed the train because of "Paradise City." Motorhead's encore was pretty awesome really. "Overkill's" a great song. You missed the real problem with encores though in that they're stupid. I've come to accept them, but the fact remains, the band walks off the stage, gives a half-hearted wave, while we the crowd, with full knowledge that they'll come back on for another song or two, still stand there and scream our heads off like mindless savages, all the while I die a little bit more inside every time it happens. Seriously, bands of the world, make an announcement: We need to get a cup of coffee, we'll be back in two minutes to play our two biggest hits that 90% of the crowd came here to see because they're too shallow and one dimensional as music fans to delve deeper than two songs into an album.

So we've complained enough: Let's have some solutions. Here's mine. Back when smoking was legal in doors we had smoking and non smoking sections. Guess what? Time for douche and non douche sections. Everyone who wants to mosh, get excited over "Master of Puppets" or "Sweet Caroline", or dance and smoke pot, goes to the douche section, while the rest of us can enjoy the concert. Failure to comply with such segregation results in being forced to attend a Scott Weiland solo concert.

It's probably all moot anyway, because the venues count on people being assholes-they make all their money in alcohol. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You're either going to be an annoying concert goer and thus more likely to drink alcohol, and become even more annoying-an infinite loop. Or you'll have to consume mass quantities of alcohol to deaden the effects of the surrounding assholes.

Any further solutions?

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Randy further solves things:I was going to suggest that concert goers be required to wear formal attire and sit in silence throughout the show, but your douche/non-douche section idea is a stroke of genius as well.

I've always avoided drinking at concerts because I hate having to pee while the concert going on, plus the drinks usually suck hard. I think the solution is to add a third section, which contains an open bar but has absolutely no rule of law whatsoever. All societal norms are on hold, and it is a total free-for-all. It has to be surrounded in a sound-proof section, but could be fun to watch while waiting for Axl Rose to take the stage.

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There you have it: Concerts are no longer any fun because of everyone else. Join us next week when we discuss two unrelated topics: How much fun it is to spread unfounded rumors, and the reunion of the original line up of Guns 'N' Roses for a world tour in the second half of 2009.