The Singles Guy 02.26.09: I Love College/FML! Edition
Posted by Jacob Crogie on 02.26.2009
Well...FML! We have a double edition of The Singles Guy this week due to some Internets Failure. This week Seether does Wham! HOLY HELL! We also get some Akon, some T.I. and Franz Ferdinand's latest with an amazing track from Asher Roth. Kickass 5 looks at party songs you would never think of playing. Come on in, you will be awestruck!
Well...due to some kind of internets fail I missed uploading a column last week and I know you are all holding your breath. So for this week, we get a Singles Guy first...A DOUBLE COLUMN! TOO MUCH? TOO BAD! YAYAYAYAYAY!
Also...it's almost my birthday...where is the love?
Jamie Foxx ft. T-Pain- "Blame It"
Yay! Autotune ftw! Honestly though, this song is total bullshit and will win the award for most unnecessary overuse of autotune. Jamie Foxx don't need no damn autotune, and when you throw in T-Pain everything is immediately worthless. What a waste of my semi-precious time. The song is about being drunk and hooking up...we have never heard that before have we? In the words of Steven Blaedow..."this is gay". I would have to agree wholeheartedly, please go die. When will this pathetic vocoder trend pass? Soon hopefully.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The sheer amount of autotune.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 0.5/5
Shontelle ft. Akon- "Stuck With Each Other"
I must confess to kind of hating Shontelle...honestly "T-Shirt" is a pathetic excuse for a song. However, this one has some promise right from the get go with a nice acoustic intro, something that you very rarely see in pop music and sure as hell don't expect from a track featuring Akon. Well, I did a little digging and now I see why this song is catchy as hell, it was crafted by Diane Warren one of the foremost pop writers of the past 20 years. This track is supposed to catch a huge break and be featured in "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and that alone may propel it to some kind of success. Honestly, the song is incredibly catchy with rather solid pop instrumentation from one of the best in the business. Watch out for this one, Diane Warren is almost infallible.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Nice poppy chord progression utilizing alot of acoustic instrumentation.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 3/5
DJ Felli Fel- "Feel It"
So, how can all these no name DJs land so many high-profile guest spots? They go for broke here attempting to create a big time club banger and what can I say other than they fail horribly. Well maybe not horribly...this song isn't a total waste of 4 minutes, there is just a few good moments with mostly filler. On this track, Sean Paul shows us all why he is sinking into the abyss, his work is predictable and his rhymes are kinda stupid. Musically it is below average...and why is Flo Rida wasting his time with this bullshit? Doesn't he have "Right Round" to promote? Dropping an N-Bomb does not make one hardcore...idiots.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The chorus, its pretty ok.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness:2/5
DJ Drama ft. Akon, Snoop Dogg & T.I.- "Day Dreaming"
This is basically the same story as above...except this guy at least has some cred. He is T.I.'s DJ so that has to count for something no? Another appearance from Akon this week, and he basically carries this track singing both the hook and providing his own verse to this club banger. Snoop and T.I. also make adequate appearances, but they aren't getting carried away or anything. Lyrically it is like "In Love With A Stripper" round II. This song isn't amazing by any stretch of the imagination but is a more then adequate dance track with a nice beat and will be getting some spins based on that.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Akon is carrying this bitch.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness:2/5
Utada- "Come Back To Me"
Japanese Pop FTW! So...she is basically the Asian Mariah Carey...and coming from me, that is the furthest thing from a compliment. Honestly, what a chick jam this crap is. Asians everywhere will be rejoicing! Honestly, the best part is the very, very random piano intro. Musically, its so stock it could have been sung by any one of the many artists in this vein who sound exactly the same. Lyrically, this track is just generic from intro to outro and not worth the amount of overproduction that went into making this shit fest. If you enjoy Mariah Carey you will love this track, I just couldn't be bothered.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Piano Intro.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1/5
Plies ft. Ashanti- "Want It, Need It"
Wow. This is pure virile shit. It has the sound and hook of some kind of love song, but when you get into the track its like...wow...friends with benefits...and this deserves a song? Plies is just a disgustingly bad rapper, and Ashanti's career has been over for a long time. This sure as hell isn't going to help at all, lyrically it attempts to be hot and sexual...but comes off as dirty and repulsive. That probably has more to do with the instrumentation then anything else, it sounds like something straight off of the pop charts but acts like "Candy Shop". What a waste of time.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: There isn't one.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 0.5/5
Rick Ross ft. John Legend- "Magnificent"
Let me guess...you are magnificent? Are you pimping them hos too? Wow...who called that one. Barely fifteen seconds in and already there is a pimping reference. I am so sick of rappers thinking this shit is actually good or original. Rap about something that matters, or at least make a catchy track. This is neither, it begs to be "Whatever You Like" but fails horribly. Not even worth dancing to, what the hell is John Legend thinking, doesn't he have better things to be doing?
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Pimping references...that's originality.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1/5
Seether- "Careless Whisper"
Whoa. Seether does Wham! THIS IS GONNA KICK ASS! SURPRISE! IT KICKS ASS! Honestly, I love novelty covers, I can't help it. Techno remixes or Rock covers are guilty pleasures for me and this one is pretty fucking awesome! "Careless Whisper" is an absolute classic and Seether just gave the track some balls here, I don't know if they were bored or what but they sure as hell chose a great course of action. Shaun Morgan is no George Michael, he adds his post-grunge growl to a heavy as hell performance from the rest of the guys with the desired results. I smell a number one, at least on the rock charts if not a surprise smash.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Seether...does...Wham...what else do I need to say?
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 4/5
The Trews- "I Can't Stop Laughing"
Time for some Canadian content from one of my personal favorites, The Trews. It's about losing your girlfriend and your life sucks, and in that moment, when it can't get any worse, what should you do? LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF! AND GET WASTED! I LOVE CANADA! You know a song is awesome when they throw in bagpipes, this song in general has an Eastern Canada feel to it. It's like Great Big Sea with more balls. What a great track to throw on after a shitty day and just drink your face off, I strongly recommend you all pick this one up. This one will fly up the Canadian Rock charts and I believe we have found the first smash hit of the year...at least in Canada...
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: FUCKING BAGPIPES!
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 4.5/5
Papa Roach- "Lifeline"
I know, this week is lame as shit. Trust me, I wish there was something way more exciting. This track lacks any of the energy that my favorite songs of theirs seems to have...such as "Want To Be Loved" and possibly "She Loves Me Not". This one just isn't worth the time, its some typical kind of love schlock rock which I couldn't be bothered with whatsoever. It's almost as if they decided to hand in their balls in exchange for some kind of mainstream success. Good luck with a shitty track like this, generic musically, lyrically and thematically. Get out of my house.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: I've got nothing.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1/5
12 Stones- "Broken Road"
These guys are actually pretty good once you get past the Christian wussy rock personas that they choose to maintain. The difference between this kind of rock and the kind perpetuated by Papa Roach and Nickelback...well...there really isn't one. Except for the fact that this is all 12 Stones does. They are not really posers...they just kind of exist. This song, for me anyways, lives within the same parameters. It just kind of exists, its a little bit better than Hinder but not by much. Same kind of music, same theme...a little itty bit more talent.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: When did rock lose its balls?
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1.5/5
New Found Glory- "Listen To Your Friends"
Finally, something I actually like. These guys are straight out of my junior high years, totally kickass in every way. They seem to be getting a little old to be singing about teen issues though. That's OK though, it still comes off as sincere and avoids the blandness that is evident in most of the teen punk out there today. These guys were part of the original movement which was born out of Blink. This song is just like most of the stuff that made them famous which is awesome and I can find nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It's good, but not amazing in any way.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Brings me back to elementary school.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 3.5/5
Franz Ferdinand- "No You Girls"
YAY! The 80s are cool again! I knew everyone would come around. This track is an excellent dance pop song anchored in a pretty awesome bass line. They are using this track in IPod commercials apparently which is only good news as it basically guarantees success. Look at Feist...and she is boring as shit. This track is just a good time jammed into a 4 minute song. Franz Ferdinand seems to have found their niche now, churning out amazing dance pop tracks with catchy hooks and toe-tapping rhythms, watch out for these guys to make a big splash in 2009.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Bass. It's all about the bass.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 4.5/5
Darius Rucker- "It Won't Be Like This For Long"
Time for our country interlude of the week. well...Hootie does country. I still haven't accepted that this happened. It's almost as sad as Jessica doing country but no...this is worse. I didn't like his huge smash hit...whatever the hell it was called...so sue me. There is just something about Darius Rucker that makes me think poser. Why is he going country? Apparently there is money in it now. This is your stereotypical country song about how things will always get better...or at least your kids will get older. Is it too much to ask for something new...something that I haven't heard before?
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: It's Darius Rucker...what the hell do you expect?
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1/5
Adam Gregory- "What It Takes"
This should suck rather epically, its a love ballad...and a shitty one at that. Adam Gregory used to be pretty good, now he is all growed up and churning out generic country ballads. Oh...did I mention he is Canadian so you have probably never heard anything he has ever recorded. Look up "The World Could Use A Cowboy", which is a much better song in comparison to this commercial sellout. It all becomes clear now, this album was released in America leading to a loss of soul and feeling. YAY MASS CONSUMPTION!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: The lack of feeling evident in this track.
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 1/5
SONG OF THE WEEK!
Asher Roth- "I Love College"
I love college too! YAY COLLEGE! Asher Roth blew me away with this track...a white-rap song...about white people things. Who would have thought? This has become my new anthem for life in general and basically reminds me of my life. Except I would like to go on record and say I do not smoke weed. Musically, Asher samples Weezer...is there anything more white? There are so many awesome moments in this song that...since last week...it has recieved 26 spins on my computer. It's the song that has to be played at any party, this song singlehandedly made my week. And for that Asher, you deserve song of the week honors!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: "Pass out at three / wake up at ten / go out to eat / then do it again"
The Arbitrary Rating of Goodness: 5/5! This song is my life.
The Kickass Five Underrated Party Tracks!
Well with Asher Roth's future smash this week, I thought I would look at my kickass 5 underrated party songs!
5.O-Zone- "Dragostea Din Tei"
Yes, the Numa Numa song ALWAYS gets a play on the weekend. Even if you can't pronounce the words, you sing along!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: NUMA NUMA!
4.David Lee Murphy- "Dust on The Bottle"
...I am from the country...this song is country...and begs to be sung along with...all that combined=party!
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: Drunk sing along chorus.
3.Great Big Sea- "The Night That Patty Murphy Died"
see above. Except times 10.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: You have to sing along...see how this list was put together.
2.Down With Webster- "Weekends"
Canadian content of the week right here. This track is awesome. These guys are awesome. This is a party.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: It's all about partying.
Video fail. Honestly...not posted anywhere.
1.Neil Diamond- "Sweet Caroline"
Don't believe me? Test it. Next time you and your buddies are tanked, throw this track on and watch the mayhem. If you dislike this song, you have no soul.
The Epic Moment of Insane Awesomeness: It's Neil Diamond, epically awesome.
So that's it for another week, be sure to tune in same time next week when we get all the latest and the greatest plus all the crap that everyone else likes...
Good column this week, Jacob. That Trews song is really great and I'd never heard of The Big Sea before. I'll definately be looking into them. All is well, except that Neil Diamond stuff. That is one evil, evil man.
Posted By: Jasper Jones (Registered) on February 27, 2009 at 12:54 AM
it's worthy of mention that the song 'no you girls' supposedly has music made from human bones in it.
"One day we were putting the percussion on No You Girls and we wanted something with a really dry clicky sound and a box of bones seemed to be the perfect thing.
"So Nick (guitarist Nick McCarthy) was clapping the skeleton's hands together, I had a clavicle rattling around in the hole of a pelvis bone, Dan (producer Dan Carey) was rattling some teeth in a little jar and Paul (drummer Paul Thomson) had two shoulder blades that he was clacking together."
