The SmarK RAW Rant – August 18 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – August 18, 2003

– Okay, first things first – ECW Press sent me an early copy of UFC veteran Jens Pulver’s autobiography, Little Evil. At only 180 pages, I blew through it in about 90 minutes, and it’s truly an impressive work of soul-baring from someone who I presume didn’t have much writing experience. If you’ve ever wondered what truly drives someone to beat the crap out of another guy in a controlled environment, this is a good start. “Little Evil” is a fascinating and slightly disturbing look inside the head of an Ultimate Fighting Champion. Comparisons to Eric Krauss’ “Brawl” (Krauss acted as co-author on the book) are inevitable, as both deal with the UFC in general, but Pulver’s book takes a much more personal approach, as he details his life leading up to the fight game. And it’s a truly a life that makes you realize what a tightrope he must have walked to make it intact to where he is today. The son of an alcoholic ex-jockey who beat his family mercilessly (the book opens with a pleasant anecdote about his father putting a shotgun into his mouth and threatening to execute him), Pulver was forced to overcome his personal demons several times over in order to make it through school and wrestling training and become a world-class fighter. Unfortunately, as with any true story, sometimes the details aren’t as glamorous as they are in the movies, and too many times in his life he was knocked back a step by his ingrained instincts towards fighting and drinking, which were both products of the abusive upbringing. In fact, this book is less about becoming a UFC fighter than it is about one poor kid who survived a hellacious childhood and fought back the only way he knew how – on the wrestling mats. There’s also no inspirational Hollywood moment where he gets revenge on the old man – he’s clearly been scarred and eternally left cowering in the corner, emotionally, by the treatment suffered at the hands of his father, and as I read the book I wondered more and more how he was able to resist the temptation to follow the same path. Especially given the path that his brother, Dustin, eventually chose (and believe me, I know all about THAT type of family situation from personal experience) and tried to convince him to take. The only real criticisms I can levy on the book is that he skips over a lot of details on stuff that would make for fascinating stories and provide more insight into himself (especially the period where he was failing out of college and started turning into his father), and the generally rushed tone of the book. I’d probably chalk that up to someone who’s never written anything on the scale of a book before, however. Also, UFC hardcores will probably be disappointed that much of the book is spent on his personal life and not the UFC itself.

Definitely putting a very human face on the sometimes cold world of UFC, “Little Evil” is an engrossing read that will leave you both cheering the eventual success of the Lightweight champion, and a little saddened at the person he became on the way there. Highly recommended when it’s released in October 2003, and you can pre-order from Amazon below.

– On a totally unrelated note, if you want to see the proper way to book an invasion angle and wrestling angle in general, check out Freddy v. Jason, where they keep both competitors strong, build up the match for an hour while providing motivation and backstory, and then pay it off with a violent and bloody 40 minutes of pure carnage that will satisfy anyone wondering what a fight between them would be like. No shit, judged on it’s own merits it’s a GOOD MOVIE. You read that right. Now I’m just waiting for the blowoff between Christina and Britney.

– Live from Grand Rapids, MO.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: The Highlight Reel kicks things off, as Jericho promises to shave Nash tonight and then win the title at Summerslam. I BELIEVE IN YOU, CHRIS! Even going .500 would be fine by me. Anyway, your guest is Shawn Michaels, who Jericho blames for costing him the title at Survivor Series. But he doesn’t have time to interview Shawn because he’s so busy, therefore Evolution will guest-host for him. Jesus, the poor guy even has to job to HHH on his own show. HHH drones on for a bit and the beatdown is on, but Big Daddy Bleach makes the save. Holy peroxide, Batman! And soon after, Goldberg makes his appearance and cleans house. But HHH dodges him and Goldberg spears Nash instead, obviously either legally blind or stupid, because HHH moved way before he even started.

– Meanwhile, Test tries sucking up to Stacy, because things will be different and he can change. Oh, and if that fails, he’ll treat her like the slut that she is. Ah, just like in the Harlequin romance novels.

– Women’s title: Molly Holly v. Trish Stratus. Molly works the arm to start but Trish slugs back to escape. Thesz Press gets two, but Molly comes back with a sideslam after a false start and the scariest botched shoulderbreaker I’ve ever seen, as she nearly drops Trish on her head ala the Owen Driver ’97. What is with the near-deaths in the women’s division lately? Trish comes back with the handstand rana and some chops. Spinebuster, but Gail Kim runs interference, and Trish whiffs on a high cross as a result. Molly gets two, and Kim comes in for the DQ at 2:35. Horrendous, rushed match with a terrible finish. -*

– Meanwhile, Austin makes Goldberg v. Orton and makes himself the special enforcer.

– Shane O Mac joins us to announce that the match with Bischoff is off because he’s gonna beat him so badly tonight that he won’t make it to the PPV. Yeah, he’s SUCH a badass. The guy who used to hang out with the Mean Street Posse. And he’s also got a gas can for Kane. How pathetic is Shane being booked in two high-profile feuds and treated like Steve Austin on roid rage? At least HHH is a WRESTLER, so you can make a flimsy defense of that sort of behavior.

– Meanwhile, Goldust wants to encourage the crazy side of Lance Storm, so he sends him into the women’s locker room. Oh, that’s not gonna end well.

– Live from Connecticut, it’s Linda…and she’s sitting at her desk! SMELL THE RATINGS!

– Test v. Scott Steiner. Test attacks to start, but gets chopped in the corner. Elbow and he stomps away on the mat, and, yes, more chopping. Belly to belly gets one. Test tries a clothesline but gets forearmed down by Steiner, and an elbow gets one as he pauses to do pushups. More chopping. Steiner charges and hits elbow, but Test misses the big boot and falls flat on his face. He plays at a knee injury, but no one buys it. They even make the “X” sign and call out the trainer, but it’s obviously an angle. Things drag on and on as Steiner stands around like a moron while Test limps off, and then recovers and boots Steiner for the pin at 4:49. JR is shocked, shocked, that Test would do such a thing. I’m shocked they’d do this stupid shit with the fake “real” injury time after time and then wonder why fans don’t believe a word of it. No one ever learns, and the next time a ref makes the “X” and the fans boo, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves. DUD So Test has Stacy again.

– La Resistance come out to harass a serviceman at ringside. Those CADS. They use their OUTRAGEOUS French accent against him and deny him a handshake, which draws out the Dudley Boyz. This is the lamest build for a tag title match since, well, the last one on RAW. And we get to enjoy the blowoff match at the PPV! Anyway, the Dudleyz salute the USA, I yawn…and then the solider turns on them and reveals himself to be a French sympathizer. It’s like the Trojan Rabbit or something. Hopefully he’s a decent wrestler so Grenier can go back to OVW where he belongs. That one did catch me off guard, I’ll give ‘em that. A good match would catch me even more off guard, but some miracles are too much to hope for.

– Meanwhile, it’s Linda again! Oh man, the ratings can’t take this stress! I feel them jumping to 7.0 as we speak!

– Hair v. Hair: Chris Jericho v. Kevin Nash. Nash elbows away in the corner to start and gets a backdrop. Gut wrench gets two. JR notes that Nash is like the Elimination Chamber – he’s got no heart and no conscious. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Jericho comes back off the top and gets caught in a choke, which gets two. Chris dropkicks the knee to take over and goes to work on it, but charges like an idiot and gets backdropped. I love how they build spots around Nash’s inability to move. Outside we go, as Jericho gets dropped on the railing, but Nash hits the post by mistake. Perhaps he mistook it for the guy who dyed his hair that silly blond. Jericho comes off the apron with a forearm and pounds away, and back in he goes up with a missile dropkick for two. Jericho pounds away and undoes a turnbuckle, but Nash rolls him up for two. Jericho dropkicks him down again and drops elbows for two. Running choke and Jericho keeps slugging away, but Nash won’t sell. Jericho charges and hits the post, and Nash clotheslines him for two. Sideslam gets two. Jericho gets a bad rollup for two. Another one gets two. He kicks the knee out again and then runs into a clothesline, which gets two for Nash. Nash charges and hits boot, and Jericho bulldogs him, and the Lionsault gets two. Sure, stand around and do nothing, kick out of the finisher, why not? Walls of Jericho, but Nash makes the crazy old man comeback and makes the ropes. Jericho protests, but walks into a Poochiebomb. That gets two. Big boot and another powerbomb, but Jericho goes low, and uses the Power of the Punch for the pin at 9:52. At least the right guy went over. If you ever want a textbook example of a guy forced to wrestle himself, this was it. Jericho literally did all the work while Nash spent the match standing around in the corner. ** Jericho butchers Nash’s poor hair in dramatic fashion and wears it like a toupee. I WON’T CRY. I promised myself that much.

– Earlier today, Roosevelt attempts to rescue a cat from the tree. He’s got the dramatic superhero banter down cold, I’ll give him that. While Hurricane fascinates the girl with tails of heroic deeds from the past, Rosey gets into a fight with the cat and ends up sending it flying into the street. Now THAT was funny, but they need to take the Family Guy approach and not zoom in on the background gag. Still, this was a billion times funnier than they’ve been lately. And hey, they’ve got Nova under contract if they need a third guy.

– Rodney Mack v. Rosey, Super Hero in Training. Mack stomps him down to start and chokes away. Hurricane and Long run interference, as Rosey hulks up with a samoan drop and the PALM STRIKE OF DEATH, setting up a corner splash and the spinning Rock Bottom that everyone seems to be using lately for the pin at 1:39. I hate to admit it, but they may have something here if they can market this properly, as a midcard comedy attraction ala Too Cool. DUD

– The Fountain of Charisma, Linda McMahon, informs us that her neck is in pain, but she won’t need surgery and Dr. Jho assures her that she can be back in the ring within 6-8 weeks to put herself over Kane in the blowoff match. Okay, I made that last part up. Anyway, Bischoff arrives at the door, being all smarmy and stuff, and gloats about Shane’s grand plan for tonight failing.

– We return with the thrilling conversation continuing, as Eric puts the moves on Linda and creeps her out. Three years later, he’s upset that Shane stole WCW from him. Hey, maybe you should have done something about it in, say, 2001, when people cared. He gets a reluctant kiss from her and wants to see the bedroom. But remember, they don’t do rape or murder. Although if they killed off Linda’s character it would probably help business. And lucky for Bischoff the cameraman has decided to stand there and let him get away with it.

– Intercontinental title: Christian v. Rob Van Dam. Swank blue tights for Christian tonight. And hey, maybe we’ll even get a decent match tonight. Christian grabs a headlock to start and overpowers RVD, but gets monkey-flipped. Christian pounds away in the corner, but Rob gets a leg lariat and grabs an armbar. He does his flippy-floppy charge, but misses and hits the post to put Christian in charge. A rollup gets two. Christian stomps away and works the arm, and a single-arm DDT gets two. Good selling job from RVD for once. Rob comes back with a high cross for two, but Christian kicks the arm again and cuts him off. They slug it out and Christian gets a gutbuster for two. Mental note: Two more people who don’t click in the ring. Rob comes back with the spinkick and another one for good measure, and Christian misses a charge and yet another spinkick gets two. Legdrop and Rolling Thunder, but it hits knees and Christian gets two. Christian blocks a monkey-flip, but the ref is bumped and Christian gets the inverted DDT and grabs chairs. He sets up a solo concerto, but misses and gets Van Daminated and frog splashed. Kane saunters in, of course, but Rob cuts him off and dropkicks a chair in his face. Kane fires back with the chair and carries Rob back to the dressing room for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 9:00 or so. That was quite the boring match with an equally predictable finish. *

– Summerslam hype video showing how weak the buildup for all the matches are.

– Meanwhile, Test makes Stacy dance for the Heat jobbers and Kane struggles with matches while trying to burn RVD alive. But he decides not to do it, because it’s not what he wants. Perhaps what he wants is better matches, ones that he can light. And why aren’t there ever any ringposts handy to ignite when you need a light?

– Randy Orton v. Goldberg. Steve Austin is YOUR special enforcer. HHH & Flair are doing color. If this isn’t over quick, it’s got major disaster written all over it. Thankfully, Goldberg has a dressing room this week. Goldberg tosses Orton around to start, but gets dropkicked and dumped with a clothesline. They brawl outside and Goldberg hits the stairs. Back in, Orton gets two. Goldberg selling = BAD IDEA. Goldberg selling for green quasi JTTS = HORRIBLE IDEA. Orton stomps away and hits the chinlock, but Goldberg snaps out of it and presses him, and gets a backdrop. Orton goes to the eyes, but the ref is bumped. Wow, a ref bumped with a special enforcer at ringside, that’s UNPRECEDENTED. Austin counts two as Goldberg powerslams him. Rolling legbar and now Flair runs in and pulls Austin out, earning himself a beating from Austin. He goes after Orton, who walks into a spear and Jackhammer at 5:03. Yup. Ѕ* Nash then comes in and turns on Goldberg, obviously upset about his new haircut. Hey, blame the Maxim Haircolor for Men, not Goldberg. Then Shawn superkicks HHH. SMELL THE TENSION. Jericho lays out Michaels with a chair for fun.

The Bottom Line:

Another craptacular episode of RAW, complete with a rape angle from the “We don’t do rape” company, an array of bad matches (in more ways than one!) and dumb finishes, and the usual lazy six-way brawl to end the show.

Rosey was pretty funny though, I’ll get ‘em that.