Help Stamp Out Infidelity – Have Sex with Your Husband

Posted by Enrique on 07.02.2009

Blaming the victim



The tawdry tale of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentine paramour has reignited the usual schadenfreude-licious public discourse that inevitably follows the adulterous downfall of a sanctimonious politician. All patriotic Americans seem to agree when an elected official cheats on his wife, he's both a fool and a disgrace. In Sanford's case, there's some debate as to whether he should be given some leeway, inasmuch as he may be genuinely "in love" with his South American mistress – as opposed to the likes of Eliot Spitzer, who merely had loveless intercourse with a high-priced callgirl.

Very few Americans are assigning any blame to Sanford's wife, who is portrayed as an innocent bystander to the unraveling of her own marriage. Fair enough, but when asking ourselves "How could Sanford have been so stupid?" maybe we shouldn't be so quick to dismiss a perfectly reasonable explanation – his wife probably wasn't putting out. As we all know, lack of sex can lead married men to recklessness. In this era of gender equality, isn't it about time women started taking some responsibility for driving their husbands to adultery?

The story so far…

After the Sanford affair was revealed, many people scoured the internet to find a photo of his objet d'fornication, presumably to see what a girl worth ending your career and marriage over looks like. Based on the available evidence, I'm sure she's a delightful person, especially if you're attracted to healthy eyebrows. Sanford immediately resigned his role with the Republican Governors Association, and a majority of South Carolinians don't want him to stop there. It's safe to say Sanford's untoward dalliance has substantially altered his career arc.

When a politician is involved in this type of sex scandal, the MSM typically doesn't make excuses for him. But for some reason, there has been a "true love" meme developing over the last week, raising the question – Is it less appalling for a man to commit adultery out of love rather than simple libido? According to this piece of news analysis from the Associated Press, the answer is maybe:

Could the "love factor" ultimately play a role in helping get this governor the forgiveness he seeks?

To family therapist Elana Katz, the fact that Sanford displays passion, be it true love or mere infatuation, doesn't make his behavior more excusable or forgivable. But it might make it more explainable.

"All those things they say about love being blind — well, it's true, love changes us chemically," says Katz, who counsels couples and families at New York's Ackerman Institute. "People get into complicated situations. The sad part is that when there's no one to talk to about it, you can really lose your way even more. The secrecy adds a whole level of confusion."

Still, says Katz, "it's his wife and his family who will ultimately decide if he is forgivable."

It's certainly generous (and sort of bizarre) for the AP to give Sanford such wide latitude, especially since he's not a Democrat. But if the general public is expected to overtly sympathize with Sanford, that's a tall order. As columnist Steve Chapman notes, a recent Gallup poll found 92% of Americans say adultery is "morally wrong," compared to 40% who think premarital sex is immoral. All decent people seem to agree that cheating on one's spouse is very, very naughty.

With all due respect, it can't be that simple. I'm not married myself, but I know several married men, and I can't help but notice none of them complain about their wives' limitless sexual appetites. In fact, it's pretty much common knowledge that married women stop putting out after they have children. My impression is the vast majority of married men find themselves in the unenviable position of having to constantly beg their wives for sex, only to have their requests repeatedly denied. And yet over 90% of Americans think adultery is immoral? Methinks a lot of married men tell pollsters what they think they want to hear. Or maybe they say adultery is immoral because they think they could never get away with it.

Obviously I have no way of knowing how often Jenny Sanford permitted her husband to make love to her. I do know the Sanfords have four children, which by my calculations means they haven't had sex since the Mesozoic Era. And while I realize it may be in poor taste to speculate on the intimate affairs of people I've never met, someone needs to stand up for men whose wives' emotional cruelty drives them to infidelity. Perhaps Jenny Sanford isn't a willfully malicious person, but let's uncharitably analyze some of her recent comments on the affair:

"His career is not a concern of mine," she told reporters as she departed the family's vacation home in Sullivan's Island, South Carolina. "He's going to have to worry about that. I'm worried about my family and the character of my children." […]

"I don't know if he'll be with me, but I'm going to do my best to work on my marriage because I believe in marriage. I believe in raising good kids is the most important thing in the world," she said.

I have no doubt Jenny Sanford thinks raising good kids is important, and that may be the problem. Many married women seem to think being a good mother is more important than being an attentive spouse. I've heard married men describe how they feel they have to compete with their own children for their wives' affection – a heartbreaking situation that could be cured with regular doses of inoffensive marital relations. And yet many married women behave as if being a good mother and having sex once a week are irreconcilable lifestyle choices. It doesn't have to be this way.

While there are some licentious men who are always on the make, my guess is most married fellows are decent guys who just want to make their wives happy – not out of fear of reprisal, but out of genuine affection. So when these generally decent men are repeatedly refused sex, it makes them despondent, and thus more likely to engage in destructive behavior. Ms. Sanford's sense of betrayal may be well founded, but it wouldn't exactly be wild speculation to assume she just maybe made the same choices many married women do, and those choices just maybe contributed to the sordid affair before us.

Instead of asking "Why would anyone be so stupid?", perhaps a better question is "How could this have been avoided?" I would respectfully suggest in many cases adultery could be easily prevented by married women making a better effort to love, honor, and cherish their husbands. Married men won't fall in love with other women if their wives love them, and regular sex is the only way to demonstrate that. If women want to keep their husbands honest, it's not complicated – just sleep with them. Even if you're not in the mood, even if you don't think he "deserves" it. If you don't, then don't bother being outraged when he looks elsewhere for a soul mate.

In fact, if any married women are reading this, go get your husband right now and ravish him. The quality of your marriage will immediately improve, I assure you. If nothing else, do it for the children.