Tiger Woods and the Ethics of Adultery

Posted by Enrique on 12.09.2009

Ain’t easy



Sometimes you'll hear serious journalists complain that Americans aren't sufficiently interested in important news stories. Many are offended at the trash the MSM is obligated to cover to satisfy the public's vulgar appetite for celebrity gossip. But the market wants what it wants, and there's nothing quite as tasty as the public spectacle of a famous athlete's matrimonial implosion.

The real question is, what lessons can we learn from Tiger Woods' betrayal of his marital vows? Oh hell, that's not the real question – the real question is how hot are these tarts and how many are there? For our story this week, let's have a look at why rich, powerful men make the foolish decision to get married, and contemplate the ethics of prostitution as compared to adultery. Plus, full frontal nudity.

The story so far…

I was kidding about the full frontal nudity, of course. At last count, the number of women rumored to have knocked boots with Woods is nine and counting. Were any of them worth ruining a marriage over? There's no accounting for taste, but here are a few of the more popular ones.


Rachel Uchitel, woman about town

Uchitel was the first horse out of the barn. She's the one who hired Gloria Allred. I've seen her described as a nightclub promoter and party girl. I think we can all agree if all women in their mid-30's held it together as well as Uchitel, the world would be a better place.


Jaimee Grubbs, cell phone owner

Grubbs was the recipient of that awkward voicemail featuring Woods gently begging her to change the outgoing message on her phone. I assume most married men would prefer to avoid situations where they have to tell someone, "My wife went through my phone and may be calling you." I think we can all agree none of us would expect someone named "Jaimee Grubbs" to be so hittable.


Kalika Moquin, influential person in Vegas nightlife, apparently

If I were a girl, and I looked that good in a string strap tank top, I'd wear string strap tank tops in the dead of winter. I think we can all agree if we were to have an illicit affair, it would be with someone named Kalika Moquin. Suck it, Jaimee Grubbs.

While it's fun to make light of Woods' concubine parade, there's a serious moral issue underlying this whole adulterous circumstance. Obviously, I'm not referring to Woods' betrayal of his wife. I'm referring to the mistress of a married celebrity profiting from her tawdry behavior. We can probably assume Grubbs didn't give away that voicemail for free. In cases of celebrity infidelity, it's common for the women to be compared to prostitutes. That's an unfair analogy, since prostitutes are much more likely to behave ethically. Ashley Dupre, the delightful call girl at the center of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer's downfall, has argued her alleged turpitude compares favorably to that of Wood's gold-digging lady friends:

"Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex -- all the while knowing he is married.

"And now they all can't wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids?

"And I was the hooker? At least I kept my mouth shut." [...]

"I'm often referred to as the 'woman who brought down the governor' -- excuse me, people, I didn't call the tabloids," Dupre said [in September].

This is precisely the reason many men in progressive states/nations where prostitution is legal prefer professionals to amateurs. As all men know, we all ultimately pay for sex, most often through time and attention, and sometimes that can be a dicey proposition. When sex for money is prohibited by law, men can't be sure that their investments will bear fruit, since there are no established guidelines for conduct. In the absence of such guidelines, the behavior of female sex amateurs can be wildly unpredictable and have dire consequences. Daily Beast columnist and former call girl Tracy Quan summarizes the hazards of seeking sexual favors from non-professional women:

If you expect a married man's mistress to have better manners or ethics than a prostitute, simply because her heart or libido are involved, think again. Those very elements—love and lust—do not always lead to classy, mature behavior. Having a businesslike agenda from the start seems cold, but it results in a warmer ending. [...]

[P]rostitutes rarely engage in the type of behavior that Tiger's mistresses are engaging in now. Those prostitutes who blackmail and expose their clients are generally shunned by their peers, and rightly so. Unless a client has behaved badly or violently, his privacy is usually respected. This is a line that separates professionals from amateurs.

Because prostitution in the United States operates in a black market, there is no transparency or standards. One way to avoid the type of embarrassing situation currently being experienced by the Woods family is to legalize prostitution, and permit consenting adults to seek the services of professionals if they so choose. Another solution might be for married women to actually put out for their husbands, but based on my research, that's not a realistic expectation. And even if it were, it's likely many married men would still step out on their wives. It's a biological fact men are more fertile than women for a longer portion of our lives, and thus we're compelled to seek out mating opportunities with more enthusiasm than the fair sex.

In Woods' case, the most painless solution was to never have gotten married in the first place. I don't mean to be obvious, but no man who attains a high level of wealth and/or power is going to be able to resist the consequent attention of women. It's better for everyone if those men remained bachelors. If the pursuit of fame and money is your goal, go the Derek Jeter route. Follow George Clooney's example (although he was married once, he seems to have learned his lesson). Resist the social pressure to marry just because that's what the little people do. If you don't, you'll end up having a very awkward press conference, or posting groveling apologies on your official web site, or experiencing the humiliation of every e-mail and phone message you left your inamorata being made public.

For many men of more modest sex appeal, marriage may be a sensible choice. But men of status should take the Woods lesson to heart – think twice before getting married. If you don't, we won't feel sorry for you when it blows up in your face. Unless your wife wasn't putting out, in which case we'll only pretend we don't feel sorry for you.