The Best Of The Midwest Monday News For 2005

Posted by Steven Bellah on 12.26.2005

This is what happens when your column is due the day after Christmas.

Well, I am writing this on Christmas evening, in preparation for it's posting on MONDAY, the 26th. After all, this is the Midwest MONDAY News, right?

To be completely honest (as I alluded to last week), I really have no time (or desire) to sit down and type up another 4,000-word epic for all of you. Not after Christmas with 4 different families over the last 2 days which allowed me about 2 hours of total sleep. Sorry, not today. Having a 1 year old is the most wonderful thing in the world, until you realize all 304349 members of your family want to see her on Christmas. Whew.

With that said, I present the BEST of the Midwest Monday News for 2005, or at least what I thought was the best parts. Yes, it is the equivalent of a Simpsons Clip Show, and if you are a die-hard reader (all 3 of you, including me), you won't get much out of it. But I will add my perspective on things NOW, after each "classic" news bit.

With that said, let’s travel back to my very first piece of my very first report here on 411. A report on a former WWF World Champion, the ****Vince McMahon mode ON**** ULLLLLLLTIMATE WARRRRRRRIOR! From the April 11th report:




"Queering Don't Make the World Work."

I spent all week looking for something interesting, something memorable to start out my first ever report here at 411. Of course, I'm about 2 weeks too late to jump on the Terri Schiavo train, but I wouldn't want to do that anyway. That's one name and face I have no problem ever seeing again. Then there was the Pope--who I WILL speak about later--somewhat.

But what could I open with--who, or what, is so extraordinary that I couldn't ignore it?

Enter the man formerly known as Jim Hellwig.

Former WWF champion the Ultimate Warrior spoke at a campus Republican led event at the University of Connecticut last Tuesday, April 5th. For those of you who have no idea who he is, The Warrior (whose real name was Jim Hellwig--notice I say WAS) was a major WWF superstar in the late 80's and early 90's. His peak came at Wrestlemania VI in 1990, when he cleanly defeated Hulk Hogan to become WWF World Champion. Several years later, a falling out with Vince McMahon led to his exit from the WWF, and other than a short stint in rival WCW in 1998, he had almost been invisible to the public eye, except for occasional big worded rants on his website

In order to copyright the wrestling character he claims to own and have created, Hellwig legally changed his name to "Warrior" sometime in the mid 1990's. Yes, you read that right. When this man writes a check at the grocery store, he legally signs it "Warrior". That alone should give away what type of mental capacity this man is in. Warrior is married to his wife Dana, with two daughters, named (again, not a joke) Indiana and Mattigan. He resides in New Mexico, where rumors pop up often about his possible return to wrestling.

I followed Warrior's career when I was a kid, and he was one of my favorite wrestlers, despite his lack of any wrestling knowledge, other than how to do a clothesline and a shoulder block. His postings at his website have become something of an event. It usually goes like this:

1: Warrior posts a 8,000 word rant on his website.
2: All the major wrestling websites pick up on this, and report it.
3: Wrestling fans read the rant, then post endlessly on message boards about how crazy the Warrior is--most of them negative.

Well, how does this all tie into politics, you ask?

Well, most of Warrior's postings have dealt with his anger towards Vince McMahon, or his lame attempts to use big words to pass off as, he calls it, "Warrior Wisdom". However, with the death of Ronald Reagan last year, suddenly we began to see a new side of the man who used to be Jim--a sharp, right wing conservative.

How right winged was he? Well, we certainly found out this week.

Warrior has crossed over from web host to public speaker, with interesting results. Now, I don't know whose idea it was to book Warrior at UConn, located in the very "blue" northeast, but it sure was interesting. There is a video of this entire episode that I watched in preparation for this report. I honestly don't remember where I downloaded it from, but if you REALLY want to watch it, I'm sure you can easily find it.

But I'm not so sure you would WANT to watch this.

After a 5 minute long intro video, complete with footage of Warrior tearing up an American flag (from the 1991 WWF Royal Rumble) and several different angles of his victory over Hulk Hogan (what a shock), Warrior made his entrance--to his theme music, no less. But instead of running down the aisle wearing his usual neon trunks and armbands, he simply walked out a door in a suit. He looked NOTHING like the wrestler I once watched every weekend. His hair was short and graying, and there was no face paint. Remember when Michael Moore showed up on Jay Leno right after the election last November, clean shaven, dressed in a suit and tie? It was kind of like that.

After jokingly asking if there were any wrestling fans in attendance (to a big ovation), he began talking--which is where this entire event should have stopped. But, of course, it didn't.

I won't go into great detail about everything Warrior said, since I've already said too much, but you can read a news report here.

Warrior was on a rampage. In 1989, that would mean he was going to kick Ravishing Rick Rude's ass. But now, it means turning into the complete definition of a bigot. When an Iranian student challenged his views, Warrior told him to "Get a towel." When he claimed that homosexuals are not on the same level as heterosexuals, a girl exclaimed "Oh my God!" Warrior's response? "Don't have an orgasm on me, honey."

It gets better. When an apparent gay student started yelling at him, Warrior yelled back "I can't hear you with that thing in your mouth!" This man IDOLIZES Ronnie Reagan? I really, really hope he gets a radio show or something. Or maybe he can do an arena tour like Benny Hinn. As one person put it, he'd be "the Metallica of giving speeches".

However, on the other side--apparently UConn has a extreme liberal group of students who have moved out of their dorms and into tents somewhere on campus, a place now called "Tent City". Their reasoning? What do you think? Duh? They're protesting the war in Iraq! Now, I'm against the war too, but you won't see me living in a tent anytime soon. What does that accomplish, other than making you smell bad? Oh well. I guess we're supposed to take these people more seriously because they live like Boy Scouts.

Anyway, back to the Warrior's speech. These "Tent City" kids show up at the speech (since it's a Republican event) and proceed to hurl insults and scream at the Warrior every time he makes a right wing comment. It got to the point where officers were brought in, and the event almost was shut down.

Now, all reporting aside, here's my thoughts:

Obviously, almost everything that Warrior said was terrible, and frankly, I don't feel like repeating any more of it. Yes, I'm sure there is someone out there who agrees with that man, and if you do, I don't want to hear from you. After the event, the Republican committee issued a press release apologizing for Warrior's comments--damage control. In my opinion, they got exactly what they deserved for asking a lunatic like Warrior to speak at their college. What did they expect? Did they even READ any of his rambling posts on his website? The first account of this incident I read was the "Warrior Attacks" link that I referenced above. Without reading one word of the story, I already knew what had happened. I already knew what kind of person Warrior was, without having to call him up and ask. Well, these students who asked a former wrestler to speak got much more than what they wanted, and now have to deal with the consequences.

I'm sure the former Mr. Hellwig is too busy preparing his next rambling, hate filled speech, but if he ever sees this, I have this to say: You claim to love your country, and say that you are telling the "Real Truth". Then why are you so angry? Why are you complaining? Stop worrying about us, and focus on yourself. I really, really hope Bill Maher or Sean Hannity--ANYONE--has you on their show. I can't wait to hear the backlash. And you know you aren't right, Jim. You know that without Vince McMahon putting you on TV back in 1988, no one would even be talking about you right now. But that's fine. Have fun back at your little New Mexico compound. If you ever need more face paint, give me a call.

A New Perspective----Well, not much has changed for Mr. Warrior, but in September, the WWE released their version of the Warrior's saga, entitled "The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior." Considering the nutcase he has become, I'd say it's an accurate title. I thought it was interesting, but it felt very rushed, as many sound bytes were used more than once. Warrior, of course, posted a 10,000-word diatribe denouncing the whole thing and saying he was done with the WWE about a month before it came out, but true to form posted another rant refuting the whole thing after it came out.

Oh, and what about his speaking career? I can't remember any other noteworthy appearances after the UConn debacle, but he DID offer to debate the campus Republicans at his own expense.

UConn respectfully declined.



On to a story that made big news here in KC, from the April 25th edition:

On Golden Spit Pond

I don’t know how many of you have heard about this one, but it’s been the top story here in KC all week long. On Tuesday night, Jane Fonda was signing copies of her book “My Life, So Far” down at Unity Temple on the Plaza in Kansas City. The event, sponsored by Rainy Day Books, sold out weeks ago. Fonda received a standing ovation when she walked on stage, and after speaking, sat down to sign her book. This is where it gets interesting.

One of the requirements for attending a book signing like Fonda’s is to purchase her book in advance through Rainy Day. It acts like a ticket, and allows you to attend the entire event, and have your book signed. Well, Michael Smith, a Vietnam veteran, bought her book, attended the event, and waited in line for an hour and a half.

When he finally got to Fonda, he didn’t want her to sign the book. In fact, he spat on her. Not just saliva, but tobacco juice as well.


Then, he turned and ran away. He was caught and arrested right outside the front door and charged with disorderly conduct.

Smith said he was proud of the incident, and the 90-minute wait was “well worth it.” He obviously was angry with Fonda for her “Hanoi Jane” demonstration during the Vietnam War. There have been hundreds of e-mails, phone calls, and letters in wake of this incident. Some positive, some negative. Some have called Smith an American hero. Some have even offered to pay any legal fines or bills he might face. Others have spoken out against him, saying he’s a “coward” and that he made the entire city look bad.

What do I think? Wow, what an idiot. Really, if you don’t like someone, why buy his or her book and wait in line for 90 minutes? There are better ways to protest something or someone: DON’T GO. When Dubya made a campaign stop here in KC last August, I received a voicemail from his campaign headquarters, inviting me to a George W. Bush “Victory Party”. Well, I have no idea why Bush’s people would be calling me, since I, like, didn’t vote for him and have never supported him, but oh well. Maybe it was because I had just moved to a heavily Republican county that was 80% white. Perhaps it was because I was young. Nah, he’s not that smart. Well, to make a long story short, I didn’t go, because I didn’t care about him.

All Michael Smith did was sell more copies of Jane Fonda’s book. And what a great, brave veteran he is—as soon as he spat on her, he TURNED AND RAN AWAY. If he was so proud of what he did, and has no regrets, why did he run? Why didn’t he spit on her, give her the finger, and wait for the cops to rush in? Why couldn’t he take it like a man, instead of a coward?

The day after the incident, Fonda declined to press charges, and said she forgave Smith. Smith, on the other hand, was talking to anyone who would listen, professing his hate for Fonda, calling her a “traitor”. Now, who came out looking better in all of this? The famous, Oscar winning actress who forgave her attacker, or the angry, middle aged veteran who turned and ran? Hmmmm…

It’s like I said in my very first column, It’s all right to be against something or someone. It’s all right to protest. But there are better ways of doing it. All Michael Smith did was make himself look bad. All of the “supporters” who said they would have done the same thing are cowards, just like Smith. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard and say you WOULD have done something, just to make yourself feel better. Well, here’s the truth from me—If I had the chance to spit in Bush’s face, or Ann Coulter’s, or Sean Hannity’s, I wouldn’t--because I wouldn’t even bother to be there in the first place. They aren’t worth my time.

A New Perspective----Well, all charges against Smith were eventually dropped, which I agree with. Our justice system is already full of meaningless cases. I received a couple of responses disagreeing with me, stating that Smith had a good reason to do what he did. I agree. But he could have handled it better. Instead, he just embarrassed himself.



Onto the May 16th Report, and one of my wonderful rants against the media:

We’re at TERROR ALERT ORANGE! Which means that something could happen somewhere at sometime”.

Well, we had our scare of the moment on Wednesday, as a pilot and his student pilot flew their plane into restricted airspace, causing an evacuation of the White House and Capital of 9/11 proportions. The terror level was raised to red for eight minutes—I thought that color-coded system went the way of the dodo with Tom Ridge, but I guess I was wrong.

Our fearless leader was on a bike ride at the time, so he narrowly missed being even more ridiculed by the Left for not doing his job during a time of crisis. Remember the elementary school in Florida? Could you imagine Michael Moore’s reaction when told that the president was out riding his bicycle instead of being at work when the terrorists attacked?

Well, all you Republicans don’t need to worry about that, as this incident was nothing more than pilot error. However, that didn’t stop every news station from breaking into the latest episode of “Passions” or “Guiding Light” to let us know that there was a slight chance that perhaps another attack that was somewhat like 9/11 was possible of happening. Of course, nothing was wrong, but damn, did they ever try to scare us.

I made fun of Michael Moore earlier, but “Bowling for Columbine” looks at this very issue—the ignorance of the media. It seems like news organizations are more convinced with shocking you than just giving the news. I don’t know how it is anywhere else in America, but here in Kansas City, almost every newscast starts out with “BREAKING NEWS!!” Well, it’s not usually urgent, breaking news, but a cheap ploy to keep you tuned to that particular station. Last Tuesday, one of the stations started out their 10 o’clock news with BREAKING NEWS that a minivan had almost hit a deer on I-435 and slammed into the guardrail. Urgent? Something you need to know? Important? Not really, but damn if I didn’t stay tuned in to see the entire newscast. Funny, I hit a deer with my car in the EXACT SAME spot 2 years ago, and there was no BREAKING NEWS on that. Perhaps it’s because it was at 1:00 in the morning—and well, there was no need to break in and let everyone know, since they were asleep.

Last Monday morning, a school bus crashed up near Liberty, Mo, killing the two cars it hit, and sending 23 children to the hospital. Terrible? Of course it was. But was just as bad was the 4 major networks here in KC trying to out-do each other. We got close ups of children being taken away on stretchers, reporters RIGHT THERE at the scene, and of course, interviews and phone calls from hysterical parents trying to find out if their children were alright. I can’t imagine the switchboard at KMBC or whatever news station took these calls. “Hey, put her on the air! This will be great for ratings! Um, ma’am, we’re going to find out about you’re son—why don’t you go on the air? That might speed up the process.”

A Los Angeles news station showed a high-speed chase, a pretty common occurrence since, yep, it gets GREAT RATINGS!!—but it backfired this time, as the helicopter camera caught the police shooting the suspect to death, live on television.

Somewhere, a depressed 14-year-old put down his Marilyn Manson CD and thought what he just watched was awesome. Man, I sounded like such a Republican just then. Shades of Budd Dwyer’s on air suicide came to mind as I read that story.

There has been a great 411Assholes article about this very subject, so I won’t talk too much about something you’ve hopefully already read about, but I’ll repeat something I said in a past report: Take a sheet of paper and make two columns, one positive, one negative. Watch the 10:00 (of 11:00 for some of you) news for one week, or one night if you can. Every time a positive story/news bit is mentioned, make a tally mark. Do the same for each negative story. You’ll be amazed at how much the negatives outweigh the positives. That’s what the news does now, in my opinion—shock and scare you, so you’ll lock your doors at night and buy more guns. I don’t think those news executives are purposely trying to make Americans fear each other, but they realize that reporting positive news is boring. No one wants to hear about the dog saving its owner from falling off a cliff. No, it’s cooler to talk about shootings, about rapists, terrorists, and the daughter who let her mother sit in her own shit for 3 months.

The news media sucks. Especially FOX News, but that’s an entire different subject (see “Outfoxed”). How do you deal with this? Well, to quote Tool/A Perfect Circle vocalist Maynard James Keenan, “Turn off your TV. Go do something.”

And as I finished typing this report, the 9:00 news came on here in KC. What was the top story? A teen girl who died in a car crash, complete with close ups of the car and interviews with crying friends. The next segment? The weather—complete with a lead in about tornadoes, since they happen around here all the time or something, and could KILL YOU!! Anyone else annoyed by all this? Why is it whenever someone is shot (especially in a black neighborhood), the news van speeds to the scene? Anyone else pissed?

Oh well, I’m ranting and raving, so I’ll stop.

A New Perspective----Nothing really to add. I still feel the same way. I'm sure you all know I work in retail, and it pisses me off how every day after Thanksgiving we hear news reports about how people got into fights and were trampled while shopping. Did that really happen? Yes, but the media is very selective on what to report. The Target where I work was busy (duh), but very civilized. It's not as bad as they make it out to be.



Here is my favorite bit of writing I've done here at 411. From July 25th:

Killing cops: All Right. Pixilated Titties: Very Bad.

Give me a break. “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” was pulled from shelves this week when it was discovered that you can download a modification that **Gasp!** allows you to have sex with a woman in the game. Like the topic title suggests, it’s ok to blow a police officer’s head off with a sniper rifle, but naked women are just bad.

This all goes back to the Janet Jackson Super Bowl Fiasco®, when a exposed breast caused more uproar than dead bodies being autopsied on “CSI”, Dennis Franz’s bare ass on “NYPD Blue”, and news footage of someone getting blown up. Seriously, the 10 o’clock news has more violence than GTA, but it’s ok, because we’re being informed.

I love how parents are suddenly outraged about a game like San Andreas being available because of this “Hot Coffee” mod, when it had been on the shelves since October. Again, you can kill cops. You can pick up a hooker, have audible (but hidden) sex with her (while refilling your health), then kill her and run her over with your car. You can forcibly remove anyone from any car and steal it, and drive away without incident. The game is full of every profane word in the English language. Yet, all of that was acceptable until Hillary Clinton found out that there was a naked woman in the game.

Now, I’m not affected by the rating change this game will eventually get, since I’m 23 years old. But what fascinates me is how people believe that a game like this will turn a child into a psychotic killer. Last time I checked, it was humanly impossible to carry an Uzi, Chainsaw, 99 Grenades, Rocket Launcher, Sniper Rifle, Can of Spray Paint, Sawed Off Shotgun, 50 Molotov Cocktails, and a pair of brass knuckles with you AT THE SAME TIME. It is not possible to run to an intersection, open someone’s car door, pull them out, then jump in and drive away freely. It is not possible to survive being shot 988 times by a S.W.A.T. team.

Grand Theft Auto is a VIDEOGAME. A very unrealistic videogame. Yes, you can shoot a police officer in real life, but 98% of us know that if we do, we won’t get “BUSTED!” and be back out on the street 5 seconds later. Any child or teenager who kills someone, or steals a car—and says Grand Theft Auto made them do it is an idiot. They are also very smart—the parents blame the game, not the kid. When Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris shot up Columbine High School, everyone wanted to blame Marilyn Manson and Doom. Of course, Eric Harris was building pipe bombs in his garage while getting tech-9’s getting delivered by FedEx, but of course it’s all because Marilyn Manson told him to do it. It couldn’t possibly be the parent’s fault, could it?

Side note: Have you ever noticed how anytime there is a news story about “violent videogames”, they always show some kid playing Doom? Not the newest one, the original, Windows 3.1 looking version. It’s always either Doom or the original Mortal Kombat. Apparently, the news media still thinks it’s 1992.

Since I’m 23, it’s really irritating to me when a parent of a 12 year old is speaking out against GTA, Eminem, Marilyn Manson, etc. Um, excuse me Mrs. Wannabe Mother of the Year, it plainly says on the package “Explicit Content”. It’s YOUR job to make sure little Tanner doesn’t get his little hands on it. GTA is (well, was) a MATURE rated game for people 17 years or older. Don’t try and outlaw a game/CD/show that I, an adult, can enjoy—just because you don’t want your kid to be exposed to it. Just don’t let them. It’s actually pretty easy if you try.

A New Perspective----Well, San Andreas has been re-released without the sex, but the anger is still there. Ever since the Janet Jackson fiasco, everyone is all censor crazy. I like that bit of writing above because it still is exactly what I wanted to say, and it is still how I feel, so I have nothing more to add.




My Take on Gay Marriage:


I have gay friends. They are not evil. They do not spit fire when they talk, nor do they cause people they touch to drop dead. However, if you were to listen to Pat Robertson or 75% of the Christians in this country, it is a sin to be a homosexual and anyone who chooses that lifestyle will burn in hell unless they repent their “sins”. Well, the God that I worship loves EVERYONE and cares for EVERYONE, no matter what lifestyle they choose. My God loves drug addicts. My God loves people on welfare. My God loves black people, Asians, Jews, Muslims, and every type of religion and race. And, most importantly, my God loves homosexuals.

The Bible is the greatest book ever created, but it’s also one of the most misused items in the history of the world. People take every single word LITERALLY in that book, and that’s not what it is for. The Bible is there for you to read, gather inspiration, and use it the way YOU feel. I know I don’t see the Bible the same way as my parents do, because I was born into a different world then them.

Someone who hates homosexuals because that is how God is supposed to feel is using God, the Bible, and Religion as a crutch to spew their own beliefs. I don’t think it’s any different than people who blow themselves up on crowded buses because they think God wants that as well. If you don’t like homosexuals, as much as I disagree with you, fine. It’s your opinion, and you have the right to feel that way. But don’t try and change the constitution to suit what YOU think is right, and use “God” as a reason why. Not everyone believes in the same God that you do. I don’t. My God loves everyone.

A New Perspective----My parents were disappointed that I did not go to Christmas Eve service this year at their church. The reason why I haven't been to a church in 3 years has nothing to do with my faith. I believe in God. I read the Bible. I pray almost every day. I do not go to church because of the backlash that they have against gays, and how political they have become in recent years. Not all churches are like that, but most are. God would not be happy with 85% of the churches out there right now, and that's why I won't go anywhere near one.



I never thought I was a psychic, but.....from October 17th:


Harriet Myers is a red herring. A MacGuffin. A mirage. She is only being nominated so that everyone will hate her and she can then withdrawal her nomination, opening the door for Bush to nominate the most Right Wing candidate possible. Then the congressional Republicans will say, “Just confirm this new nominee. We’ve already lost the last one. Do it for the comfort of the country.”

A New Perspective----Well, that sure didn't happen, did it?


With that said, thanks everyone for a great 2005! Next week, I look at 2006.