Researchers Study Newlyweds: My Opinion

Posted by Mark Radulich on 12.28.2005

Now I'm not married yet but I think I know what it takes to stay in a marriage.

Now I'm not married yet but I think I know what it takes to stay in a marriage.

First off, in my (admittedly limited) experience, it appears to me that people get married for the wrong reasons. Some guys seem to "surrender," that is to say that they marry their girlfriends out of what one could describe as obligation. It's like you've been with this person forever and in some folk's minds, you owe them a ring for the time spent in the relationship. In addition, men tend to seek out comfortable situations and quite frankly, dating today sucks. They will stick with what they know, not out of passion but out of complacency.

Other's get married because when they were dating they got along real well and thought that their ability to co-exist would translate well into married life. In some cases they are right and in others they realize the other person is a complete psychopath.

These days many marriages are done shotgun style. Due to unwanted or unexpected pregnancies, there's a contingent of men out there trying to do right by the women they done knocked up by marrying them. Unfortunately, the magic many find in bed doesn't follow them anywhere else and a good number of those relationships go straight to hell.

My personal favorites though are the ones who get married very young, like high school sweethearts, and the girl states rather frequently, "I just want to get married and have babies." I wish those girls would kindly stop voting.

But seriously folks, these are the people that have good intentions and all but don't have the tools to keep a marriage together. They are young and though they have a lot of spirit, today's youth have no patience and less ability to communicate effectively. I deal with this on a constant basis. Half of the personality problems I'm dealing with at my job as a substance abuse counselor are the result of spoiling children to death. Now, imagine if you will two spoiled brats having to make adult decisions together and having to share the burden of adult responsibilities like paying rent. Scary isn't it.

Today's young couples tend to resemble something out "Lord of the Flies" including trying to run a fat kid off of a cliff.

In order to make a marriage work, you have to be able to listen to one another, even...especially when the other person is ranting like the Tasmanian devil. Every word out of their mouth could be an absolute lie but you as that person's partner have to give them that time or you'll never be able to move forward. Far too many people, both men and women alike are so caught up in trying to be "right" they lose sight of what's important in a relationship.

That elusive element my friends is sharing. You and your partner must both share your thoughts, your fears, your loves and your money. It doesn't work any other way. This is why you hear so many women complaining that their man doesn't share his feelings. He may want to but if he doesn't feel like he's going to be heard, why should he bother? It takes two people listening to make a new marriage work, in my humble opinion.

But here's what the article has to say:

Researchers at the University of Rochester want to survey 800 newlyweds in the U.S. and Canada in the hopes of finding out why some new marriages are so full of bliss and others are so full of battles.

Couples taking part in the study must be married for six months or less and have to submit to a 20-minute phone interview. Couples then take an online survey and complete another online survey each year for three more years.

The study has gathered about 200 couples so far and is looking to quadruple that number through ads in newspaper classified sections all over the country.

One U of R researcher tells the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle that getting along in a new marriage basically boils down to what we learned in kindergarten: be nice to each other.