Anti-Masturbation Senate Candidate Captures Conservative Hearts

Posted by Enrique on 09.22.2010

Dirty sexy politics



And here I thought Alvin Greene would be this year's most heartwarming political candidate. The Republicans have countered with Delaware's Christine O'Donnell, who last week won a surprising primary to be the GOP's nominee for the U.S. Senate. While Mr. Greene has been indicted for showing pornography to an adult woman (apparently that's illegal in South Carolina), Ms. O'Donnell has gone on record opposing masturbation. As you may be aware, the subject of masturbation has been insufficiently addressed by our elected officials.

Other than Clinton, obviously. *rimshot*

Anyway, this O'Donnell seems like an interesting lady, and she's the rightwing's current crush. For all this talk about masturbation, where does she stand on the pressing issues facing America today? For our story this week, let's get to know Christine O'Donnell and make a lot of silly masturbation jokes.

The story so far…


Thank you for not touching yourself!

One might argue there are more important issues facing the voters of Delaware than what a candidate said many years ago about America's other favorite pastime. One could alternately argue voters don't always let important issues unduly influence their collective judgment. Factors like a candidate's physical attractiveness, height, weight, etc. play a significant role, and silly things like where a candidate went to church for 20 years or what he/she thinks about masturbation all fall under the umbrella of "character."

And O'Donnell certainly seems like a character. In her youth, she participated in some MTV show about abstinence and basically said masturbation is sinful. Well, of course it is – the only things worth doing in life are sinful. But a precious young O'Donnell went on camera in the 90's and proclaimed her opposition to one of the most popular activities among teenagers worldwide.



With all due respect, if there are two groups of people who lack important knowledge about masturbation, it's devout Christians and women. Regardless, I imagine convincing teenage boys to quit masturbating would be a hard difficult task. I'm sure O'Donnell meant well, but her pious attitude about the only game that never gets boring suggests an extremely conservative mentality that Delaware voters may find off-putting. Personally, I can't abide anyone who doesn't respect the act of masturbation – it's the only thing that separates us from animals, for god's sake.

But that was a long time ago. Hopefully, O'Donnell's faith has matured since then. And in fact, according to several MSM reports, she appears to hold a mainstream conservative view on homosexuality:

Newly revealed comments from 2006 show O'Donnell believed gays and lesbians suffer from an "identity disorder," putting her at odds with the American medical and psychological community and a majority of popular opinion.

"People are created in God's image. Homosexuality is an identity adopted through societal factors. It's an identity disorder," she told Wilmington News Journal reporter Victor Greto.

Oh, Christine. You seem so naïve and kinda sweet, I really want to like you.


I'm very excited about not masturbating!

None of that is to say she's not qualified to serve in the U.S. Senate. In fact, many right-leaning Americans must think she's exceedingly qualified – as of this writing, her official website says she's raised over $2.2 million since last week's primary victory. As long as we're at her website, let's have a look to see if there's anything embarrassing…

There's one section named Christine Counters where she answers "myths," such as "owes money to the IRS" and "did not get a college diploma." Right on, anyone who's an enemy of the IRS is a friend of middle America. She even posts the relevant documentation, which you have to admit is courteous for a politician. O'Donnell's birth certificate is not posted, for those keeping score at home.

One thing that's really endearing is Why Christine, which is her "on the issues" page. You'll be pleased to know O'Donnell's positions can be summarized in a mere 266 words. (I copied-and-pasted it and everything.) Here's half of it:

Energy: Supports a market-based approach to energy solutions that will keep competition high and energy prices low.

Values: Believes our country was founded on core values of faith, family and freedom and will fight to defend those values. Will always fight for maximum choice for parents about where to educate their kids, including private, parochial and charter schools or in the home.

Spending: Believes unrestrained government spending is eroding our freedom, destroying our economy and ceding our sovereignty to foreign debt- holders like China.

Accountability: Denounces corrupt pork-barrel politics, including earmarks, and will fight for increased transparency and performance information for every Federal program.

Short, to the point – we'd be lucky if all politicians were so lacking in ambition. I like the way she threw "like China" in there to let us know she's been reading up on this shit. And I think we can all agree not enough politicians are in favor of accountability. Furthermore, O'Donnell supports a "market-based approach to energy solutions." Spiffy. After spending less than a minute reading, I'm so excited about Christine's thoughtful and nuanced political philosophy I could almost masturbate.


No, please don't!

Despite her refreshing lack of political objectives, O'Donnell is facing an uphill battle. Sure, the usual conservative opinion-makers love her unconditionally, but early polling by Fox News shows her trailing Democrat Chris Coons by 15 points. Though I admire her unwillingness to make empty promises or advocate anything at all, a majority of voters don't seem to take O'Donnell seriously right now. She has her work cut out for her if she wishes to change that mindset in a few weeks.

But never mind that – what of masturbation? I think we can all agree that's the real issue here. Is there a candidate in America we can assume will be a strong proponent of masturbation if elected?


Naturally

Too bad he's a long shot. (Ahem.)