The Weekly Monitor 12.30.05

Posted by Brandon Crow on 12.30.2005

Happy New Year from the Weekly Monitor!!



Ah, the true meaning of Christmas! Ain't our Lord just grand?




Mmmm...she's sexy, she's hot...she's Osama bin Laden's niece! What do you have to say for yourselves now, you unpatriotic, America-hating, terrorist sympathizers!




George W. Bush did not have a good 2005. His problems have gotten so huge that all but three Republican Senators have abandoned him.




With the help of his speechwriters, Bush composed a haiku lamenting 2005:

"Oh pretty White House
With trees barren and dry,
Two thousand five sucked!"




One thing's for sure...just one day after Christmas, these folks aren't in church praising God...




Demonstrating exactly how "bubble-fied" he truly is, President Bush made no mention of the wild grass fires in his home state of Texas until January 18, 2006.




"Mr. President! Please sir! We need the hose for the fire! Your naked pool party can wait!"




Man, another gorgeous girl...wouldn't you like to...GOTCHA AGAIN! It's still Osama's niece. Why do you hate America?




Holy Jesus! Parents, quick, cover your kids' eyes! Janet Jackson's bear is exposing himself!




2005 has also been a bad year for "The Arnold." This week, a soccer stadium in the town of Graz in his home country of Austria removed his name from the stadium's official name. First, you lose a speical election; then you lose your base; now you lose your countrymen...




2005 was also unkind to Indiana Pacers' forward Ron Artest.
(Crow's note: In a moment filled with tearful sadness, 411 Politics' very own "Indiana hometown boy," Jason Easley cried rivers while saying he felt "betrayed" by his hero.)




"Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy speaks to the news media after the funeral for his son, James Dungy, in Tampa, Florida. Officials say James Dungy, 18, committed suicide."
Or so goes the "official story" from the American CIA.




And the family tree continues to grow: another niece of Osama gets some TV time!




Bush's incompentent act had grown so tiresome that even his planted reporters would not touch him with a ten foot microphone pole.




"Hi Jenna, darling. It's your father...hello? Hello?"




Guess who just "came out of the closet" as a niece of Osama?




San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker and girlfriend Eva Langoria were arrested in Texas this past week. Looks like Parker has been hanging with Artest.
(Crow's note: Will 411's guru Ashish be the next to sob about betrayal?)




When asked what it was like to be a Democrat in Congress right now, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid held out his painful handful of scorpions.




Not to be outdone by his siblings, Osama's nephew took some glamour shots of his own.




Bush's 2006 New Year's Resolution: I swear to help the poor and downtrodden folks in America.




And in a related story, OJ Simpson renewed his resolution to find the real killers.




An angler in Lincoln, Nebraska pulled out a two-mouthed trout this week. Scientists quickly named it the "Johnus Kerryius."




Lastly, holiday sales did not meet projected levels this year. Guess what that means?




And Paris Hilton...Nope, hell No! Not even Osama would claim her to be family.