Dirty Politics: The Investiture of the Disorder of Canada

Posted by Matthew D.S. on 01.04.2006

And the Winner is...

Anno domini 2006 (or for those of you still living in the age of Augustus Caesar, MMVI) is upon the world now and I hope this year will bring more blessings, more happiness, a fatter wallet, and wider smiles on all your faces.

Now the moment all of you have been waiting for: the presentation of the inaugural Disorder of Canada.

Now, I tried to get Governor General Michaëlle Jean to guest-star in this piece, but for whatever reason she kept insisting that some on-going election campaign was keeping her too busy. Election? Your guess is good as mine on that one, dear reader.

Undaunted, I decided that I myself, stalwart follower of all things political will present the decoration to the person who received the most votes in the very generous two week allotted period.

I present to you the votes and some quoted bits from said votes - all three of them:

From Christian: Conservative leader Stephen Harper, for: Lego-Hair, and being, "a big fuppin' eejit."

Hard to argue about the hair, that much I'll definitely concede.

From Nancy: Conservative leader Stephen Harper, for: "[being] fixated on running and winning an election on that issue [the sponsorship scandal] alone."

Harper certainly has been fixated on the sponsorship scandal, and whether he should be condemned for that or not, I suppose it's a matter of whether he's been over-fixated, which is what Nancy is suggesting. However, Harper is right in my estimation for keeping this in the fore-front of voter's minds, but thus far he hasn't simply run an anti-Liberal campaign based on the scandal, and has brought up Conservative policy initiatives that stand out. He may very well be running the best campaign out there *gasp*…did I just write that?

And finally, I present a vote and message from someone whom I have never met in person; for this, I thank you, Chris C.

Chris, who will be voting for the first time in his young life, nominated the entire Liberal Party of Canada, but despite his insisting that they could all share the Disorder of Canada like the Stanley Cup, I'll say that his de facto vote was for Prime Minister and Liberal Party Leader Paul Martin:

"I hating writing this because this upcomming [sic] election will be the first time I will Be eligible to vote and with how much I dislike Harper and think Layton is a pussy. I honestly don't know if I can vote for the Liberals. How many chances do we have to give them in order for them to stop fucking up. I started to Forgive them about the sponsorship scandal but now the insider trading scandle [sic]? What the hell it almost seems like they want to get kicked out. I think it's funny and horrible in a sense that they don't even wait for the first scandal to blow over before starting a new one."

Chris does present some very astute observations. As a Liberal, I too share his frustration with the sponsorship scandal and now this alleged insider trading scandal involving Finance Minister Ralph Goodale and changes to government income trust zzzzzzzzz…something or others. It is tantamount to a farce how the Liberals seem to mire themselves in one scandal after another. I do not know what it will take to clean-up those sordid individuals who allow these blemishes to occur repeatedly to the point of ad nausea; perhaps it will take a Conservative victory.

But would a Conservative government be any better? I somewhat doubt it.

Therefore fair readers after counting the votes, recounting them, checking them for hanging and pregnant chads, and consulting with Katherine Harris, the winner of the 2005 Disorder of Canada (DC*) is:

the Honourable Stephen Joseph Harper, DC*, PC, MP, MA, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.

On behalf of all of 411mania.com's staff, readers, and contributors, congratulations Stephen for being voted Canada's top political pariah for 2005.

Stephen was born in Toronto in 1959, which surprised me greatly when I found out, and not on some oil well in the middle of the Alberta hinterland. He was initially aligned with the Liberals in his youth, and then the Progressive Conservatives, and was a founding member of the Reform Party of Canada (Preston Manning, remember him?). He came to the forefront of the new Canadian Alliance Party and later the Conservative Party of Canada, which he now leads.

For a good bio of yours and my favourite Lego-haired politician, I recommend you check out wikipedia's article on him: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Harper

Well Harper old buddy, you're in the driver's seat now. This election is now yours to lose, not Paul Martin's. Recent opinion polls place the Conservatives and Liberals at a statistical tie, with some polls even placing the Tories ahead of the governing Liberals. Another Liberal scandal has erupted, and you've managed to stay on message so far, and forgoing any big gaffes by Tory associates, you should be able to stay on message right to January 23. Let's see if you can improve on your debate performances and show a little more emotion. If you do, you very well might find yourself transferring from the driver's seat to the Prime Minister's in the House of Commons.

If not, you'll be in the unemployment line. Take comfort though, you can always pawn your Disorder of Canada to Cashman at Oliver Jewellery.*


(*Sorry folks, you really have to be Canadian and from Toronto to get that joke, but I just can't resist! Happy New Year!)