Tim Johnson's Political One-Off

Posted by Tim Johnson on 04.27.2006

Depressed about gas? Read this and you still will be.



Normally, I'm not one to crack my own.

I also try not to shit where I eat.

Freedom of speech is guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution, and everyone has a right to their opinion.

Having said that, I just finished reading Joe Rivett's article on why you shouldn't complain about gas prices, and I'm surprised he doesn't fall down more.

You absolutely should be pissed off about the current state of affairs, and if you're not, you're probably wealthy, lazy, or both.

The following is a re-buff to a column you may, or may not have read here.

Joe Rivett claims the average car gets upwards of 25 miles a gallon. I'll take his word for it, though the estimation sounds a bit generous. But how about the average SUV, or the average pickup truck?

Those of us who live in snow covered terrain may be inclined to travel in these types of vehicles, due to the added safety features, and the durability to navigate in inclement weather. If Joe has Bills tickets, he's probably no stranger to poor road conditions. (Or disappointment)

In the summer of 2003, I was rolling around in my brand new Mustang GT. On dry pavement, it handled like a champ. On wet pavement, it was a thing of beauty. I could out-run most everything on the roadway, and nothing could slow me down.

That is until the first flake of snow hit the ground in early November, and the Stang performed like Bob Dole on Viagra placebos.

So, by the winter of 2004, I was rolling around in my brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee. And of course, that was a time when high end gas prices were in the mid $1.70's.

The trade off in giving up my turbo charged chick magnet, was being able to forge through several inches of snow without sliding sideways every eight seconds. The problem was, I actually lost gas mileage by getting the Jeep.

On average, I get 16.1 miles per gallon, and the tank holds roughly 18 gallons. Let's say I travel 50 miles a day for work alone.

That means I have to fill my tank every six days, if I use the Jeep for work purposes only. So, in theory, I'd have to gas up roughly 48 times a year.

In 2004 that would have cost me $1468, and now, at $2.94 a gallon, it's runs me $2540.

That's if, and only if, I use the vehicle for work purposes alone.

That's not a problem? That's no big deal?

According to Joe Rivett, it's not.

And furthermore, according to Joe Rivett, the only people who have "the right to bitch about gas prices" are truck drivers.

Well let me ask you this Joe; how do you think it's possible for you to buy your cheap beer, your Chinese takeout, your generic Fancy Feast, and your Blockbuster videos?

Do magic gnomes and fairies pump these items into your local retail shops overnight, while you sleep soundly in your bed dreaming of ways to cut down on the cost of living?

No. Truck drivers are on the road 24/7 bringing everything, everywhere. And when these trucking companies are faced with hundreds of thousands of dollars in additional gasoline expense, what do you think is going to happen to the price of retail?

Well, a 12 pack of Coors Light just went from $7.99 to $9.28 in the great state of Ohio, without an announced tax hike.

Coincidence?

Maybe in 2008, we should substitute beer with Listerine, eat only what we personally kill, feed the leftovers to our cats, and watch only the movies we can steal online.

That way, paying $5.50 for a Goddamn gallon of gas will still be, "no big deal."

I have no problem with conservation and cost cutting. In fact, I love the idea. I can't remember a time when I traveled less.

But should I deprive myself the opportunity to travel with family and friends because oil companies enjoy making $2000 a minute?

What the hell happened to this world?

In 1970, four kids were killed at Kent State University actively protesting the Vietnam War, and the invasion of Cambodia.

Ask yourself this; do you even know where Cambodia is? And furthermore would you give two fucks if we wiped it off the planet to make room for a Starbucks?

The last time we really seemed to care about anything was after 9/11. Not only because we were attacked at home, but because the gasoline companies began to gouge us. Hours after the attacks, the price of gas in some places jumped up to $2.10 a gallon, and we as a nation collectively shit our pants.

The President stepped right in and said that we, the people, will not tolerate such a thing.

Now, less than five years later, the same gallon of gas costs us $3.00 and IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

In fact, according to Joe Rivett, we can afford it and we should stop whining.

I've never been big on conspiracies.

Oswald shot Kennedy, man walked on the moon, our government did not orchestrate 9/11, the Tsunami, or Katrina, and O.J. and Robert Blake are guilty.

Plain and simple.

But think about this; in 1996, when 411mania.com debuted on the World Wide Web, many of us didn't have the capability to view it.

Back then, email and the internet were for college kids and the privileged.

Nowadays, you can take a shit in the middle of the woods while text messaging your MySpace buddies, and simultaneously download the new K-Fed album to your cell phone.

Yet we're still fueling our vehicles the way we did when Christ was a corporal?

I'm not a scientist, I just play one here on the website. But I'd have to imagine there is a better way to power up our engines. And the reason we're not doing it, is because a lot of people stand to lose a lot of money.

So what can you do in the meantime?

Maybe you should look into a hybrid car. Maybe you should write a letter to your congressman demanding accountability from your government. Maybe you should do what Joe Rivett suggests and cut back on the luxuries of life.

Personally, I am boycotting Marathon gas stations. They are almost always the most expensive, yet they're also the ones with the brand new digital signs, and the commercials on TV telling us they're, "our neighbors."

Yeah, the neighbors that come over and fuck our wives while we're at work.

If Marathon spent less money on advertising, I wouldn't have to pay them more money to not be stranded on the side of the road during rush hour.

But whatever you do, you should be pissed, you should bitch, and you should complain.

And the more you complain, the more likely it will be that someone will hear you.

Maybe they'll even listen.