The Weekly Monitor 07.07.06
Posted by Matthew D.S. on 07.07.2006
Today (or three days ago to be precise) we celebrate America…kinda.
[Scene opens to a crackling fire. Wooden oak paneling lines the walls, Mozart playing softly in the background. Several classical books are spotted sitting carefully arranged in a large ornate bookcase: Shakespeare, Homer, Keats, amongst others. The camera lens focuses into the flame and pulls back to find yours truly, enthroned in a large burgundy leatherback chair, wearing a smoking jacket that would make Hugh Heffner proud…erm, even though I don't smoke. I hold a large glass of, oh, brandy. Cause brandy's good. Brandy makes everything better.]
[I put down my magazine known as The Economist (i.e. magazine that kicks Time's ass) and smile at the camera, forgetting that it was even there.]
Matthew D.S.: Ah greetings my plebes. I did not even notice you! Tonight, I have a very brief message, in the form of an apology. We here at The Weekly Monitor lead a very redundant life, but even so, we tend to forget things. Anniversaries. Occasions. Bathing. But most importantly, [I point a finger], I forget birthdays.
[Slowly in the background, a new tune replaces Mozart. It is indeed, gasp, why, it's the Star Spangled Banner.]
D.S.: And a very important birthday just passed [slugs his French brandy] and I was negligent to even wish a "Happy Birthday" to the subject at hand. America. OH AMERICA!
D.S: HAPPY uh…*thinks* two hundred…fifty…no wait…*opens Windows calculator* 2006-1776=230. That's it. HAPPY TWO HUNDRED THIRTIETH to Uncle Sam and all you Yankee doodle dandies (and Dixie Chicks to ya'll SOUTHERNERS). You don't look a day over 229. And in honour of this auspicious anniversary, I present a retrospect to everything we in the world think of when we think "America"…ENJOY!
America: Covering the world's ass since 1945…
…while expanding its own rapidly…
…while watching crappy made US cars explode in NASCAR…
…or being bored out of their minds while attending baseball games…
…only to be aided by such luxury beverages as that displayed above…
…which perhaps fuels decisions to invade countries against the will of the international community…
…but in the end, America, you are the world's only superpower (for now), and so despite what people might think, you've brought a lot of freedom and economic wealth to the world. So to Dubya, who happened to meet our Prime Minister this week, and who just had a birthday himself, and to all of you south of the 49th parallel…screw the world, and I hope you all had a great 4th of July!
Oh, and incidentally, we in Canada just celebrated OUR independence day (for the most part, although we officially did not gain 100% independence till, get this, 1982) on July 1. To contrast our two nations, I present these two pictures which sums up the drives for freedom:
AMERICA'S QUEST FOR FREEDOM
CANADA'S…YEAH…*shuffles feet* *ahem*…SEARCH, or, erm, DEBATE…YEAH…for…SLIGHTLY MORE AUTONOMY…
If the world is getting impatient, sanctions may come to include shouting, no recess, and Iran being asked to sit in the corner for ten minutes for a time out. Then there'll be trouble.
Another naughty child includes one North Korea who again has antagonized the world by testing various missiles and may be on the verge of doing so again. This is a large no-no, and has upset many in the international community.
Dreaming of it hitting the house of that bitch of a mother in law he has.
While being bombed by some lunatic dictator is one thing, imagined being shot for watching the World Cup as occurred in Somalia. The African state has been in a, well, state of chaos for over a decade with no central government to oversee things. Strict laws not favourable to viewing television may have been the cause of the shooting of two innocent people watching the game.
You cheer for Italy and you DIE!
Too bad they can't outlaw, oh, DIVING *COUGH ITALY COUGH PORTUGAL*.
WANTED FOR DIVING (IN RED)
In European news, the European Central Bank has chosen to leave interest rates at 2.75%. That's all I got on Europe.
And finally in other news, a good friend of The Weekly Monitor, Kenneth "What's stealing a few million among friends" Lay just kicked the bucket…God rest his soul and God help his family…
There's no handcuffs where you're going old buddy! Only pitchforks!*sniff*
…ALTHOUGH, with the help of some witchcraft, we COULD turn things around…witchcraft, by the way, was just LEGALIZED (or perhaps decriminalized) in where else…no, not Los Angeles, but Zimbabwe…
Related to Samantha "Bewitched" Stevens? No. Related to the Boogieman? OH YES.
…which perhaps has already been done in Russia, seeing as Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken to kissing children's stomachs (well on one occasion) for whatever reason. The BBC quotes Mr. Putin as saying: "He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice." He added: "There is nothing behind it." Hmm. Wonder if he's a Michael Jackson fan…I really hope not.
STAY CURRENT