The Weekly Monitor 12.08.06
Posted by Matthew D.S. on 12.08.2006
I'll be SHOCKED and AWED if you read this !#$% article!
I sometimes hate the transit system in my city.
The turkeys (and generally they're not, but by GUM there's a few dandy turkeys amongst their ranks) ignore people desperately flailing their arms at them as they drive off and ignore said flailing people.
Including me.
Turkey number one.
Take tonight for example. Driver drives off from the station, lady waving. Ignores her. One might chuckle a bit, but still, one (i.e. me) still feels bad for the bird. Then I stop off at my old workplace before going home. I finish dealing with them and go out to find the bus sitting at the corner on a soon-to-be-changing red light.
CRIKEY. I run like a madman and WHAZOOM off it goes, to leave me rotting in -6 F weather for about TWENTY MINUTES waiting for the next damn cattle car - erm bus.
FORESHAME! And the worst part of all? It's not so DAMNED funny when it happens to you!
Look at him…EVIL PERSONIFIED.
…but perhaps not as evil as CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN MALLS MORE APT TO BE CALLED FREAKIN' FUDING FIDDLING ZOOS.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Anyway. Enough of that depressing transit and mall nonsense. Let's talk about things that EXPLODE and other various God-awful things! It's called: THE NEWS.
It would seem that a damn lightbulb finally has shone over the head of SOME enlightened gentlemen in Washington with the release of the Iraq Study Group Report.
Brace yourself Georgie Boy.
The report is unequivocally damaging to the Bush Team of Clownsters as it calls the situation in the shattered state "grave and deteriorating." Oh my, this coming right after the new Secretary of Offence (because the best defence is a great offence, isn't that right Larry Bird…I know he's reading!) said that the States was not winning the war in Iraq. BOOYAH!
Look at that little shit disturber…
The report outlines 79 recommendations that the States should undertake to try and recover the disaster that is ongoing on a daily basis.
The President welcomed the report but complained about its length.
DUBYA responded further by recommending his own recommendations. He hopes for the report to be made into either 1) a Weird Al Yankovic song, 2) a storybook written by Mick Foley, or 3) a feature Mel Gibson film. I personally hope for number one.
We're all pissed off Shia-ites leaving in a Sunni Paradise…or something or other. SIGH.
MOVING ON!
People in England (namely English people) were SHOCKED and AWED (*snort* remember that joke phrase? AHahah) after a freakin' tornado tore threw an area of London, causing damage and spilling God only KNOWS how many cups of tea. A flying scone is DANGEROUS people, let me tell you.
Police note that it's the hardest thing to blow through London since Dame Edna!
An angry Dame Edna rebuked me.
Screw you possum!
…no thanks.
The IRONY DEPARTMENT is rife with action tonight also as the Kebbi State (in Nigeria) Fishing Festival gets underway! Previous Festivals were a grand success and featured such fun as:
Fishing in chocolate milk!
And scratching one's nose!
However the festival hit a hitch this year after fishing was BANNED.
Hopefully the nose scratching will continue unabated.
Troubles continue (isn't the news bloody DEPRESSING?) in Asia with a more serious problem than a lack of fish, as the editor of Playboy in Indonesia is facing charges of publishing indecent material.
Can I come out now?
The magazine however contains no nudity. MORE IRONY. But this leads to a very important question. No nudity?
WHY BOTHER???????????????????????????
ZEN FOLKS, that's what you call ZEN.
More zen than that is, in other news, a woman who was letting out gas on a plane was caught lighting matches to try and mask the not-so-lovely odour, causing the flight to be grounded…
This is your Captain speaking…would the lady who is blowing major farts please cease, you are causing turbulence.
…which is awful, but not plain (get the pun HAHA PLAIN!) STUPID as a town in Pennsylvania that is considering making gun ownership compulsory…
Just the sort of person you want to OWN A FECKIN GUN.
…but at least we close with a happy story, as stripping has been judged an art form in Norway, and thus not subject to tax.
Truly plastic: the ultimate medium in art. And for giving skanks big tits.
STAY CURRENT