Are you sure you want to vote Obama?

Posted by Dan Labbe on 01.30.2007

Thinking about voting for Barack Obama? How could you vote for a name like that?

So you want to vote for Barack Obama?

You've thought and thought and here we are, January 2007, and you've decided that if the elections were tomorrow, you would cast your ballot for the Democratic Senator from Illinois.

Sounds to me like you've really thought this out. You've done your research and you feel confident in your decision. Well, I've got some things that might just change your mind.

First off, his middle name is Hussein. That's right. Barack Obama has the same middle name as the dictator we just removed from power. If this isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. I'm sure Obama and his staff already have grand plans to build a presidential palace in the middle of Washington D.C. and start gassing the Kurds. You can run, Barack, but you can't hide. Your middle name gives it all away.

Fact: My middle name is John, so that means that I am as great a musician as John Lennon. That's just science, folks.

Need more?

Let's take a look at another part of Obama's name: his last name. That's right. Barack Obama is just one row down and three keys right of being Barack Osama, and we all know what that means: He clearly sympathizes with terrorists. Think of the message we'll be sending to the terrorists. More importantly, think of the message we'll be sending to our friends in Iraq. We're so dedicated to eradicating terror from the Middle East that we elected a guy whose name is pretty much Osama bin Laden. That's not the message I want to be associated with.

Still not convinced? Well, chew on this. There are reports that Barack Obama's father may have been a Muslim! The horror! But who am I to tell you not to vote for a candidate because he's a Muslim? Go ahead and cast your vote for him. But make sure on your way home you buy a head veil and a copy of the Koran. Face it, folks. A vote for Barack is a vote for Allah.

I hear what you're saying. "I actually don't think he's a Muslim anyway. I read somewhere he was a Christian," and "This is America. He's free to practice whatever religion he wants." In theory, yes. In practice, I guess, as long as I don't have to hear about it. But the only religion I want in my politics is the one that believes in God.

"Well," you say, "I'm still voting for Barack Obama.

Fair enough. In fact, I'm sure you feel comfortable in your decision. Until I tell you that, according to a column by right-wing pundit Debbie Schlussel (who I'm sure is a fair and reliable source) that was quoted on the website mediamatters.org, Obama's mother's second husband was "an Indonesian man" and "most likely a Muslim."

Clearly three things can be garnered from these items. First, Obama comes from a broken home. Sounds to me like just the candidate that will come into the White House and from day one will start tearing family values apart, one by one. In fact, he'll probably pass a bill making divorce mandatory.

Second is that whole Muslim thing.

Third, his stepfather was Indonesian.

Do you know what that means, fellow citizens? It means that Obama clearly sympathizes with foreigners. Obviously he'll want to hold America to some kind of crazy world standard, not doing things because some Euro country says it's not ethical or that we're rushing to judgment.

Maybe President Bush was wrong about Iraq and should have listened to the U.N. And sure, maybe it cost us a few thousand American lives. But President Bush acted. He didn't wait to see what a bunch of non-English speaking non-Americans had to say about our decision to invade Iraq. No, he made a decision and he stuck with it, even though all evidence pointed towards it being wrong.

Now that's leadership.

Meanwhile, Barrack Hussein Obama (or is it Hussein Osama bin Laden?) has the gumption to sit here and question our President's decision while our young men and women are fighting the enemy. I'll bet one day when we're victorious, they'll find a wall in some terrorist leader's cave covered in newspaper clippings of quotes from people just like Saddam Hussein Obama, quotes that kept him going even in his darkest hours when he was seriously considering surrendering.

In fact, I think it's safe to say that's a fact.

Look, ultimately the decision is up to you, the voter. You could base your decision on facts. You could base your decision on what a candidate says or does. You could even—and I know this sounds extreme—you could base your vote on what a candidate stands for, his beliefs and his platforms, his desire to make America a better place for you and your family.

Or you could look at a candidate's name and make up your mind based on that.

I think you know where I stand.

Colbert takes on O'Reilly

You don't know this about me yet (at least until you read this next part), but I hate Bill O'Reilly. He's currently second on my list of most hated pundits. First, or course, is Sean Hannity.

So it was great to see Stephen Colbert not only appear on O'Reilly's show, but also the other way around. Colbert took a few underhanded shots at O'Reilly, at one point telling O'Reilly that Jon Stewart was a sexual predator and saying, "but you wouldn't know anything about that."

It was good stuff.